Dear WftW,

My son’s father and I get along really well.  We have a visitation schedule that works well for both of us.  He’s very present and active in our child’s life, and when he is able (which had been fewer than five times in the past year-and-a-half), he gives me money or covers some of  the expenses of caring for our child.  Things aren’t perfect, but all-in-all, they are pretty good.  I’d like to have more financial support, but the other ways he helps really does make a difference.  Should I still file a child support order and get the courts involved in our lives?

Lisa
Atlanta, GA
 
 

Dear Lisa:

Let me congratulate you on the good working relationship that you have established with your son’s father. That is a major breakthrough in any conflict that you may have with a co-parent. Your question boils down to this:  Should I risk creating a bad relationship with my son’s father by bringing in a third party (court) and obtaining a child support order against him?

First, let me comfort you by saying that there is nothing wrong with your desire to have consistent contributory support from the father.  Support from both parents is a duty under the law of most, if not all, states.  Money is essential in taking care of the child’s daily necessities.  Additionally, it finances a quality of life for the child that is not always easy for a single parent to provide alone. Support from the other parent helps with additional activities such as tutoring, sports, band, camp.  There is no doubt that socialization and learning in these different activities develop a well-rounded child.

Second, let me encourage you by saying that you are wise to recognize that money is not the only valuable thing that develops a healthy child.  The consistent presence of a father in a child’s life is something that no amount of money could ever replace. So before you act, be sure to weigh the impact that any conflict between mom and dad will have upon the father child relationship.

My advice to you would be to complete a Financial Affidavit. You may find the form here.  Pay particular attention to the “Children’s Expenses” section of the form. It is simply a monthly accounting of your expenses for the child such as: food, clothing, medication, lunch money, daycare, after school care, tuition, school activities, grooming, sports, etc.  It would be a good idea to gather receipts, bank records and canceled checks to substantiate these expenses.

Establish a time and place to sit down with your child’s father and share with him the Financial Affidavit and Child’s Expenses.  This may require you both to disclose your incomes. Be sure to have this meeting out of the child’s presence. Do not have or share this discussion with the child and agree with your child’s father than neither of you will do so. Express to the father the importance of having a regular contribution from him so that you are able to meet the child’s needs.  Discuss with him what each of those expenses mean to the child’s daily and future development and well-being.  Allow him the opportunity to tell you whether he can contribute a specific amount, how much, when he will begin, how often and whether the payments will be weekly, biweekly or monthly.  Please allow him creative room to do other things, such as: (1) provide daycare, so you avoid the out-of-pocket expense; (2) pick the child up from school, so you avoid after school care; (3) add the child to his health plan; (4) spend a specific amount for the child’s clothing and shoes each season; (5) purchase specific grocery or other regular use items for the child on a monthly basis and deliver them to your home.  As you are discussing and developing your plan, keep in mind that your ultimate goal is to have the physical and emotional needs of your child met.

If you are able to reach an agreement that you both can live with, reduce it to an informal writing.  Keep in mind that your writing may not be enforceable in court.  But, prayerfully it will give the father a sense of commitment and accountability.  If your child’s father will not honor his agreement and will not give you a reasonable explanation regarding the neglect of his duty, then you have no choice but to resort to court intervention in obtaining a child support order.

Most states establish child support orders based upon the income and earning ability of both parents.  At this point, you will need to seek legal advice from an Attorney in your state. If you cannot afford an Attorney, you may contact the Office of Child Support Services in your State to explore the option of filing a URESA petition to establish support.  The Internet is always a good source of information. Educate yourself about your situation before seeking the advice of anyone.  Simply go to Google.com and type in “getting court order for child support”. Be sure to include your state name in the search.

Regardless of the route you take, continue to do all you can to promote a good co-parenting relationship.  This is ultimately in your child’s best interest.

To learn more about how a bad relationship between parents affects the well being of a child, go to www.seedintheearth.com and order the documentary: “A Fatherless Child-Diary of Absence”.  Sit and watch it as a family.

These words of wisdom were provided by WeParent expert panelist, Lisa L. Carter, Attorney at Law, State of Georgia.

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