Talibah Mbonisi

Talibah Mbonisi, founder of WeParent, is a Marketer by trade, a problem solver by nature and a mother by grace.  She is also an unmarried co-parent navigating the path that will lead to a happy, healthy son, and a fulfilled, balanced Mama and Daddy.

Inspired by the challenges she and her son’s father experienced as they tried to sort through disagreements in their parenting relationship and by their determination not to give up on figuring it out, Talibah decided to try to build the type of resource she thought would support their efforts.  And, as she talked with other single, bonus and co-parents about her vision, it became clear that her family wasn’t the only one seeking this type of resource.  So began a mission to be part of a co-parenting “revolution”  through WeParent.

In addition to being the Chief Mom Officer of WeParent and Mama to her son, Talibah is a life coach and a blogger.

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Fanon Wilkins, Ph.D.

Fanon Che joined the planet when the 6 met 9 and the 7 saw its reflection in a pool of water wedged between concrete and opportunity in the City of Angels. When the screams dissipated and the boy was put on a scale, Pops, a 1965 Watts Rebellion alumnus, told the nurse that this one would be named Fanon Che-fah’show. Ms. Nurse asked Pha-who? and Pops reminded her that these were revolutionaries from Martinique and Argentina who grew restless in the face of imperialist domination and colonial exploitation. Six months after lil’ man hit the sand, Moms broke out to Cuba (VENCEREMOS!) to cut cane and increase her revolutionary resolve. Pops held it down, but when the smoke cleared, Pops and Moms agreed to split and lil’ man went South way before the ATL was full of Outkasts and the Good Died Mostly Over Bullsh@t. Now the Durdy had a lot going for it. Mom’s got her full Lenin on working at a shirt factory with the idea of organizing workers at the point of production. She even did a stint at the phone company climbing them tall ass poles and Standard Oil where she assisted in the mining and management of black gold. Meanwhile, bruh-man attended a liberation school where all of us lil’ freedom fighters chanted before each meal:  (Fist raised) “I WILL EAT ALL MY FOOD, TO GROW BIG AND STRONG, TO WORK IN THE STRUGGLE FOR AFRICAN PEOPLE”–Shonuff’. By second grade it was back to South Central, but by 8 the boy found himself up north in the East Bay riding dirt bikes and eating Lemonheads and Nowalaytas’ on the same streets that Huey, Bobby, and Elaine screamed All Power To The People. By 10 lil’ man was back with Moms in the Durdy and Pops moved to the Big Apple to help aspiring revolutionaries relocate to Tanzania to help build Ujamaa Socialism. When the time came to join Pops in Gotham, ya boy was more than a little scared of the city that never slept because Richard Pryor had told him that if a space ship landed in New York, a ni**&a would take his ship. But undeterred, ya boy found Kurtis Blow to be more inviting than menacing and Sugarhill Gang just brought a smile to his face. So back to South Central he went, telling tall tales about battles he had won and Emcees he had met while he and the fellaz pause-mixed Funkadelic basslines and imitated thier favorite New York Emcees. Now if there was ever a rolling stone, Pops was a restless boulder who thought that greener pastures could be found back in the Durdy. But thangs didn’t work as planned, so it was back to the 213 and somehow, with a little luck, wit, and parental direction (with the help of Moma Joyce), bruh-man managed to survive the infamous Los Angeles Police Department, the Bloods, the Crips, all of the Latino sets, the Los Angeles Unified School District, the Rapid Transit District (The Rough, Tough, and Dangerous) and the Crack scourge. So when Boogie Down Productions dropped Criminal Minded and Ray Charles told anti-apartheid activists to go to hell, ya boy entered the House only fit for a King and made it to the other side while Ice Cube poured out a lil’ something for his dead homies. Now we could end it here, but that would not be fair because somewhere along the way bruh-man actually began believing that he could obtain a Pee-H-Dee. Silly right, well the fool went for it and made a lot of bookies money. And guess what? When the 9 met the 7 and that same 9 saw its reflection in the dew drop that rolled to the tip of the lilly, bruh-man helped two babies into this world and named the girl child after the Brass Saint who wailed “A Love Supreme,” and took the boy’s name from the creolized lips of those who called the yard a “yaad” and said “Irie” when everythang was alright. So where is bruh-man you ask? Still on the move– living, writing and teaching at Doshisha University in Kyoto, Japan. Who knew? The Universe-fah’show:)

Deesha Philyaw

Deesha Philyaw is a Pittsburgh-based freelance writer whose publication credits include Essence, Bitch, and Wondertime magazines, and The Washington Post.  Deesha’s writing has been anthologized in Literary Mama: Reading for the Maternally Inclined (Seal Press), and Just Like a Girl: A Manifesta!(GirlChild Press). She is an adjunct professor in Chatham University’s Master’s of Professional Writing program, and she teaches adult writing classes at the Pittsburgh Center for the Arts.

In addition to freelancing and teaching, Deesha is the co-founder, along with her ex-husband, of CoParenting101.org, a resource for parents striving to raise their children together, cooperatively, after divorce or separation.  She also writes a monthly column at AntiRacistParent.com, a website for parents committed to raising children with an anti-racist outlook. Prior to these endeavors, for four years, Deesha wrote a monthly column that was in part based on her experiences as an adoptive mother, for LiteraryMama.com.

Deesha is the mother of two wonderful daughters, ages 5 and 10.  In her pre-mama, pre-writing life, Deesha worked briefly as a management consultant and as an elementary school teacher.

Real Families: Learn Co-Parenting 101 from Deesha Philyaw

Deesha Philyaw and Mike Thomas have been described as poster children for co-parenting.  Fortunately for the rest of us, these parenting partners aren’t being stingy with the lessons they’ve learned along their journey through divorce into co-parenting.  Motivated by the urging of those who saw their effective brand of together-parenting, the two share insights and advice through their blog, Co-Parenting 101 and are working on book that breaks down their strategies for successful co-parenting.

During a recent interview, WeParent had an opportunity to talk to Deesha about co-parenting challenges, possibilities and what makes this parenting partnership work.

 

WP:  On your site, you mention how you became the “poster children” for divorce among your friends.  What does that really look like?

Deesha: We vacation with the kids every summer.  We try to have dinner every now and then.  My boyfriend and I have had parties and cookouts, and Mike and his fiancé come over.  So, we are constantly in each other’s faces.  It was either get along or be miserable.

WP: OK.  Now, you know people are going to be wondering what’s really up!  In fact, in a recent post on CoParenting101, you talked about naysayers.  Why do you think it’s so difficult for people to believe that you can actually be friends, parenting partners and exes?

Deesha: We get a lot of people still asking if this is “normal.”  Usually, when people ask that kind of question, they are really asking, “Is this typical?”  And, sadly the answer is “no.”  They are also asking, “Is this really about the kids?  And, it is.  “Or do the two of you still have a thing for each other?”  And, for us, the answer to the latter question is also, “No.”  It shouldn’t be so hard for people to believe that exes can get along solely for the sake of their kids, with no other “hidden” motives.  But, that’s not typical.  Drama, hostility, and kids as pawns and casualties in the War Between the Exes—unfortunately, that’s typical.

WP:  So, how did you get there?  What is the magic formula, because it is so hard for so many.

Deesha: We are so atypical.  I feel like we cheated in some ways.  When he moved out, we agreed to the basics with the girls… the custody split, vacations, holidays, keeping things civil, our dating lives… but there was still a lot of pain and anger there…It didn’t happen instantly. Initially, we were just civil for the girls.  They never saw conflict between the two of us.  They never saw or heard it in the marriage either.  But, during the early days there were angry phone calls, ugly emails, and our not communicating well exacerbated things.  And, finally, about three years after our separation, we sat down and hashed some things out.

WP: So, you had a shared vision for how you were going to deal with your children. And, it sounds like you gave yourselves time and space to heal.

Deesha: Healing is so vital. We have to heal ourselves post-break-up for all the obvious reasons, but one really important reason is that we have to model healing and wholeness and cooperation for our children.

WP: And, what about the children?  You and your co-parent focused on keeping them out of the conflict. But, it is so not that way for many, many families.  Everybody ain’t able!

Deesha: Yes, we were always on the same page about the kids. That part, we were in sync about from day one. Conflict isn’t good for kids, so we knew we had to keep that at bay.  I think the reason some people don’t shield their kids from the conflict is: 1) they are simply out of control with anger;  2) they don’t care if the kids see the conflict, because “their Daddy needed to be told off!”  3) they want the kids to see the conflict to see what a terrible person Mommy is…”Kids need to know the truth!”  And that’s wrong on so many levels.  But you have no right to sabotage your child’s relationship with their parent.  They are two separate relationships, but people conflate them.  They think, “If Daddy disappointed and betrayed me, I’m going to teach you not to trust him.” Stuff like that. Toxic. And often it backfires.. And when it doesn’t backfire, the kid is alienated from a parent.

WP: But those kids grow up to be adults, and then some of them sort it out for themselves, see more of the truth, and others repeat the cycle…

Deesha: Right…Thank God kids are resilient. But for some, it becomes a terrible cycle.  Sometimes, I think people are victims of overly simplistic thinking, “If I want to break-up with you or divorce you, it’s because you are a bad person.” Sometimes two “good” people simply can’t make it work. But unfortunately, many feel the need to demonize their ex to justify the break up.

WP:  But, it is possible to move past that. You two did it!

Deesha: We slowly got comfortable with each other.  Not wanting to expose the kids to high conflict kept us on our good behavior.  But, then, in time, the tension dissipated.  We can get along now because the reasons we got divorced, the “couple” stuff is a non-issue.  We are free to be what we were in the beginning…friends.

WP:  And, now, you’re also co-authors and blogging partners!  So, tell us about CoParenting101.  I have found it to be a great resource.  The information is really helpful, and the advice is always so honest and on-point.  How was the site born?

Deesha: The idea for the book was Mike’s.  It preceded the website.  I figured the site could help us generate content for the book and help encourage other families in the process. Another reason we started CoParenting101.org was so people wouldn’t think co-parenting cooperatively was such an anomaly.

WP:  Since we’re putting all your business out here…The two of you are each involved in serious relationships which you’ve blogged about.  What impact has that had on your co-parenting relationship?  What role do they play?

Deesha: They play a big role…if only to have some extra folks to drive these kids around!

WP:  Amen!

Deesha: But seriously, I like the idea of bonus families instead of “step”, because there are extra people in your children’s lives who love them and care for them.  And it combats that negative connotation that comes with “stepmother”, for example. Wicked and such.  For us, I think the significant others were like a litmus test. We agreed when we separated that the kids would only meet the person we each felt was The One, as much as you can know that. We would not expose the girls to the potential revolving door of our dating lives.  So, part of that “vetting” process was learning if this person could jibe with our co-parenting arrangement. That has made a huge difference; a positive impact, to answer your question.  And, we trust each other’s choices because we each got to meet the person. We each took years to make the introduction! Now, that is truly atypical, but it worked for us.

WP: And, hopefully, more of us will find ways that work for us.  You’re living proof that there’s another way…that it’s possible. And, it’s helpful to know that it didn’t happen miraculously.  It’s something you had to work on.  It required some healing to achieve.  We have to allow for the process.  No overnight sensations in this co-parenting thing!  Thanks to you and Mike for creating Co-Parenting 101. It is such a necessary resource. This journey is a bumpy one, and it helps to have the type of support your site provides.  We’ll be snatching up the book, too, as soon as it hits the shelves!

Join the Adult Children of Divorce Group

 

All of us were children once, and our experiences impact how we parent and co-parent.  Join our Adult Children of Divorce/Separation group on WeParent Connect and share in the discussion, insights and healing.

Just My Baby Daddy: Does What We Call Ourselves Really Matter?

 

The fact that President Obama chose to identify himself as Black instead of Cablanasian, B-Rock or Michelle’s Babby Daddy mattered to African-American voters across this country.  Of course, he brought much more than a racial identity that many of us could identify with, but we contend that this label endeared him to us and influenced just how much Black folks in this country would embrace him.  And, in return, his rise and ultimate victory buoyed many of us to a new place of faithfulness, optimism and accountability.  The label he chose mattered.  And, when Fox News referred to the now First Lady as “Barack Obama’s Baby Mama,” outcries from the Black community suggested that that mattered, too.

We want to know what you think:  

Does what we call ourselves–baby mama, baby daddy, co-parent, single mother, bonus dad–really matter?  Does it influence how we are perceived?  Does that even matter?  And, more important, does it influence how we perceive ourselves?

And, for a little inspiration, check out this oldie but goodie:

Want to be a blogger or just look like one? Welcome to Co-Spectives where we post perspectives from our community members. Just email us at cospectives@weparent.com with a 500-800 word post on the latest Co-spectives topic, or blog about it on your WeParent Connect blog. We’ll select two posts and feature them here, in our newsletter and on WeParent Connect. 

Dr. Makungu Akinyela, Ph.D.

Dr. Makungu M. Akinyela, is a Marriage and Family therapist and a much sought after scholar / activist consultant on Black family life as well as an Associate Professor in the African American Studies Department at Georgia State University.  He is a co-founder of the Family Center of South DeKalb, a private practice family therapy center where he specializes in couple and relationship therapy. 

Dr. Akinyela is a Clinical member and an Approved Supervisor of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists and past chairperson of the Metro-Atlanta Chapter of the Georgia Association of Marriage and Family Therapists.  He has presented and lectured at numerous conferences both nationally and internationally in such places as Adelaide, Australia; Durban, South Africa; Toronto, Canada; Vancouver, BC; Montreal, Canada; Manchester, England, Havana, Cuba and Hong Kong.

Dr. Akinyela serves of the editorial advisory boards of the International Journal of Narrative Therapy and Community Work, the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy; and the Journal of Systemic Therapy.  Dr. Akinyela has written and published several journal articles, book chapters and commissioned monographs on issues related to Black families, mental health, African Centered family therapy and critical pedagogy.  

New Distance Parenting Group on WeParent Connect

Check out the Distance Parenting Connection group on WeParent Connect for tips, advice, information and support on how to be present, even though you’re away.

Just My Baby Daddy: Who Cares What We Call Ourselves?

Add your voice to the Co-spectives discussion about whether the labels we use to describe our parenting relationships really matter.  If you have a WeParent Connect blog, post about it.  And, if you don’t, why not start one today?

We’ll be selecting two posts to feature here on WeParent, as well as in our newsletter and on WeParent Connect.

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