Real Families: Learn Co-Parenting 101 from Deesha Philyaw

Deesha Philyaw and Mike Thomas have been described as poster children for co-parenting.  Fortunately for the rest of us, these parenting partners aren’t being stingy with the lessons they’ve learned along their journey through divorce into co-parenting.  Motivated by the urging of those who saw their effective brand of together-parenting, the two share insights and advice through their blog, Co-Parenting 101 and are working on book that breaks down their strategies for successful co-parenting.

During a recent interview, WeParent had an opportunity to talk to Deesha about co-parenting challenges, possibilities and what makes this parenting partnership work.

WP:  On your site, you mention how you became the “poster children” for divorce among your friends.  What does that really look like?

Deesha: We vacation with the kids every summer.  We try to have dinner every now and then.  My boyfriend and I have had parties and cookouts, and Mike and his fiancé come over.  So, we are constantly in each other’s faces.  It was either get along or be miserable.

WP: OK.  Now, you know people are going to be wondering what’s really up!  In fact, in a recent post on CoParenting101, you talked about naysayers.  Why do you think it’s so difficult for people to believe that you can actually be friends, parenting partners and exes?

Deesha: We get a lot of people still asking if this is “normal.”  Usually, when people ask that kind of question, they are really asking, “Is this typical?”  And, sadly the answer is “no.”  They are also asking, “Is this really about the kids?  And, it is.  “Or do the two of you still have a thing for each other?”  And, for us, the answer to the latter question is also, “No.”  It shouldn’t be so hard for people to believe that exes can get along solely for the sake of their kids, with no other “hidden” motives.  But, that’s not typical.  Drama, hostility, and kids as pawns and casualties in the War Between the Exes—unfortunately, that’s typical.

WP:  So, how did you get there?  What is the magic formula, because it is so hard for so many.

Deesha: We are so atypical.  I feel like we cheated in some ways.  When he moved out, we agreed to the basics with the girls… the custody split, vacations, holidays, keeping things civil, our dating lives… but there was still a lot of pain and anger there…It didn’t happen instantly. Initially, we were just civil for the girls.  They never saw conflict between the two of us.  They never saw or heard it in the marriage either.  But, during the early days there were angry phone calls, ugly emails, and our not communicating well exacerbated things.  And, finally, about three years after our separation, we sat down and hashed some things out.

WP: So, you had a shared vision for how you were going to deal with your children. And, it sounds like you gave yourselves time and space to heal.

Deesha: Healing is so vital. We have to heal ourselves post-break-up for all the obvious reasons, but one really important reason is that we have to model healing and wholeness and cooperation for our children.

WP: And, what about the children?  You and your co-parent focused on keeping them out of the conflict. But, it is so not that way for many, many families.  Everybody ain’t able!

Deesha: Yes, we were always on the same page about the kids. That part, we were in sync about from day one. Conflict isn’t good for kids, so we knew we had to keep that at bay.  I think the reason some people don’t shield their kids from the conflict is: 1) they are simply out of control with anger;  2) they don’t care if the kids see the conflict, because “their Daddy needed to be told off!”  3) they want the kids to see the conflict to see what a terrible person Mommy is…”Kids need to know the truth!”  And that’s wrong on so many levels.  But you have no right to sabotage your child’s relationship with their parent.  They are two separate relationships, but people conflate them.  They think, “If Daddy disappointed and betrayed me, I’m going to teach you not to trust him.” Stuff like that. Toxic. And often it backfires.. And when it doesn’t backfire, the kid is alienated from a parent.

WP: But those kids grow up to be adults, and then some of them sort it out for themselves, see more of the truth, and others repeat the cycle…

Deesha: Right…Thank God kids are resilient. But for some, it becomes a terrible cycle.  Sometimes, I think people are victims of overly simplistic thinking, “If I want to break-up with you or divorce you, it’s because you are a bad person.” Sometimes two “good” people simply can’t make it work. But unfortunately, many feel the need to demonize their ex to justify the break up.

WP:  But, it is possible to move past that. You two did it!

Deesha: We slowly got comfortable with each other.  Not wanting to expose the kids to high conflict kept us on our good behavior.  But, then, in time, the tension dissipated.  We can get along now because the reasons we got divorced, the “couple” stuff is a non-issue.  We are free to be what we were in the beginning…friends.

WP:  And, now, you’re also co-authors and blogging partners!  So, tell us about CoParenting101.  I have found it to be a great resource.  The information is really helpful, and the advice is always so honest and on-point.  How was the site born?

Deesha: The idea for the book was Mike’s.  It preceded the website.  I figured the site could help us generate content for the book and help encourage other families in the process. Another reason we started CoParenting101.org was so people wouldn’t think co-parenting cooperatively was such an anomaly.

WP:  Since we’re putting all your business out here…The two of you are each involved in serious relationships which you’ve blogged about.  What impact has that had on your co-parenting relationship?  What role do they play?

Deesha: They play a big role…if only to have some extra folks to drive these kids around!

WP:  Amen!

Deesha: But seriously, I like the idea of bonus families instead of “step”, because there are extra people in your children’s lives who love them and care for them.  And it combats that negative connotation that comes with “stepmother”, for example. Wicked and such.  For us, I think the significant others were like a litmus test. We agreed when we separated that the kids would only meet the person we each felt was The One, as much as you can know that. We would not expose the girls to the potential revolving door of our dating lives.  So, part of that “vetting” process was learning if this person could jibe with our co-parenting arrangement. That has made a huge difference; a positive impact, to answer your question.  And, we trust each other’s choices because we each got to meet the person. We each took years to make the introduction! Now, that is truly atypical, but it worked for us.

WP: And, hopefully, more of us will find ways that work for us.  You’re living proof that there’s another way…that it’s possible. And, it’s helpful to know that it didn’t happen miraculously.  It’s something you had to work on.  It required some healing to achieve.  We have to allow for the process.  No overnight sensations in this co-parenting thing!  Thanks to you and Mike for creating Co-Parenting 101. It is such a necessary resource. This journey is a bumpy one, and it helps to have the type of support your site provides.  We’ll be snatching up the book, too, as soon as it hits the shelves!

WeParent is a community of parents and parent advisers striving to give our children one of the keys to a happy, healthy and fulfilled life…strong families. We are on a mission to support and uplift African-American mothers and fathers, like us, who are living apart but parenting TOGETHER.

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