The Golden Rule of Co-Parenting: Keep Kids Out of the Middle

The fact is:  Every relationship experiences conflict.  Co-parenting relationships are no exception.  But, the other fact, supported by research, is that how we manage that conflict may be the most significant determinant in our children’s ability to cope, heal and enjoy the experience of just being children.  Experts suggest that while the ideal scenario may be building a co-parenting partnership that is collaborative and consistent, more important is developing one in which conflict is managed effectively and children are kept out of the middle.

Easier said than done.  As parents, we bump heads over lots of things–schedules, parenting schedules, money, and more.  Couple that with the pain of a relationship that has ended and the conflict can become intensified…full-on drama even.

But, it is critical to remember that it is our conflict, not our children’s.  We made these decisions to be together and to not be together, and only we are responsible.  Putting our children in the center–whether it is by speaking negatively, even on the sly, about the other parent; undermining the other parent’s decisions or consequences; or worse outright battling–sets our kids up to have to choose between two people they love unconditionally.  Not fair.

In his book, “The Truth about Children and Divorce,” Dr. Robert Emery suggests that much of the intensity of our conflict comes from grief and anger that often masks that grief.  He offers these tips, with some added WeParent commentary, for harnessing that anger, so we can spare our children the worst of our separation and give them the best of their parents:

•    Resolve not to get sucked into his or her games. You know it when you see it, and you have a choice not to play.  Better to not engage than to end up kicking yourself for being suckered once again.
•    Refuse to fight with your ex. It takes two.  And, if you can hold out, eventually the other parent will get weary and give up.  Maybe that will open the window to a new and better strategy for communicating.
•    Keep your distance physically and emotionally. Co-parenting is the business of raising your children together.  Keep your communication business-like and brief.  And, if necessary, keep it virtual.
•    Pick your battles…and still refuse to fight. Is everything worth falling on sword?  Probably not, if it’s important, then discuss it, work it out, but don’t fight.
•    Around the kids, say nothing if you can’t say anything positive. Bottom line, for the sake of your kids, fake it.  Grin and bear it.  This too shall pass.
•    Face—and embrace—your hurt, your fears, your grief. Don’t let your anger “protect” you from really facing the sadness and grief you may be feeling about your relationship.  Deal with all the emotions, and allow yourself to truly heal.
•    Spend some time looking inward at how you can learn from all this pain, not just at how you have been wronged. It’s easy to place the blame elsewhere, but challenges like this allow us to see things we may need to face in ourselves.  And, although putting puppet strings on the other parent might be a fantasy, the only person we can truly control is us.  Take this opportunity to grow.
•    Try to find or make a place in your heart for the good stuff, happy memories, including the children you made together—and also for the sadness over what you have lost, what might have been but isn’t. If the only good thing you can think of is the kids, focus on your gratitude for that.  And, don’t be afraid to mourn your vision of what the relationship could have been.  Dealing with this will allow you to move on.

Ultimately, the goal is to allow ourselves to heal.  But, while we do that, these suggestions can help us shield our children from the grown folks’ business of sorting out their personal and parenting relationships.

WeParent is a community of parents and parent advisers striving to give our children one of the keys to a happy, healthy and fulfilled life…strong families. We are on a mission to support and uplift African-American mothers and fathers, like us, who are living apart but parenting TOGETHER.

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