Allowing Room for Change

One major growth theme for me in my co-parenting relationship this past year was:  Allow room for the change you seek.  Now, the change I’m referring to is all about the change I’m seeking in the man who parents this child with me.  Typically, you’ll find me pondering self-growth and ways that my co-parenting and parenting experiences support it.  But, like most other unmarried but human mothers, I often fall into the spirit of wanting to do a little behavioral nip-tuck on a Baby Daddy now and again.

And, when that spirit hits me, I have a tendency to do one of two things.  The first is to pseudo-humbly deliver unsolicited self-help advice that I have collected from the tomes of New Age and self-help texts I’ve consumed.  The second is to skip the self-help part and to just start telling him how to do whatever it is the right way…Step. By.  Step.  OK. I get that that could be pretty annoying.  But, in my defense, the fact is that in the past he’s demonstrated some pretty clear patterns that I’m still attached to.  For example, in the olden days, many times his plans would change on a day he was supposed to have our child, and they would change at the last minute leaving me to rearrange my schedule to accommodate whatever “important” affair had suddenly come up.  It’s a simple thing, a rescheduling exercise, except for the frequency and complete lack of consideration for my own “important” affairs.  I would find myself feeling so many different ways every single time it happened.

There was the guilt from thinking that my feelings about the lack of consideration somehow meant that I didn’t want to take care of my child.  Well, frankly, there were times when I didn’t want to. At the time, I was the sole financial provider for our son and he spent most of his time with me.  Sometimes I needed a break, but the guilt was intense, nonetheless.

Then there was the anger resulting in blame, bad mouthing and not a few arguments.  But, ultimately, the worst feeling of all was helplessness; my sense of having to just accept the situation, having the value of my time and energy determined by him and not knowing whether or not I could depend on the schedule we’d set .  I hated it…feeling helpless over something so simple.  But, the emotions that a “not going to be able to…” call aroused in me were intense.

So, flash forward a couple of years, and we are on a set schedule, our time split almost evenly.  And, he is holding up his end reliably.  But, then…the call.  “…blah…blah…blah…something important…blah…blah…blah…need to reschedule.”  And, that’s all she wrote…anger, guilt, and helplessness; it all came back with the same intensity.  And, I told him about himself, what was wrong with his parenting, what was wrong with his partnering…

But, this time, he didn’t fight back.  Instead, he acknowledged my feelings then said, “I am not that man from five years ago…not even from last year.  I know I still have things to work on, but I have grown and I have changed and I have demonstrated that to you.  I need you to acknowledge it and to deal with me based upon who I am showing you I am today.”

And, I stopped fighting.  He was right.  I had determined the “truth” about him years ago—unreliable, undependable, inconsiderate, selfish.  Frankly, I guess I also had developed at least one truth about myself, as well, “I am the better parent, because I sacrifice myself for my child.”  It made dealing with his whim much easier; it allowed me to manage my own expectations and to address my feelings of guilt for wanting a Mommy respite once in a while.  They were truths that served me when I knew no other way to cope.  And, that’s fine.  But, I had neglected to leave room for growth, for the possibility that a twenty-six-year-old (his age when our son was born) could mature, could become a better father and a better parenting partner or that I might have more power than I was willing to assert.  My emotional blinders left no room for any new truths or refinement of the old ones.

But, when I finally took them off, I saw that he was right.  He damn sure wasn’t perfect, but he also wasn’t the same.  Things had actually changed a bit in the past year.  And, on several of the dimensions that mattered to me, by my standards, he was better.  The “not going to be able to…” call of today was in actuality very different from those of yore.  It was true that the tone these days was more apologetic and less presumptuous.  Perhaps it was safe to let him out of the box in which he’d been held hostage; maybe confining him to that little space wasn’t really serving me as much as I had believed.  He was different.

And, I was different. Somehow, somewhere, I had found my own power and released those feelings of helplessness.  And with his words, I recognized that some sort of co-parenting conflict post-traumatic disorder drove my response.  I remembered that I really did have choices that I had been exercising over the past year.  Sometimes my response was, “Not a problem.”  But, on other days it was more like, “Hmmmm.  That’s a tricky situation you’re in.  I already have plans…would change them if I could…What are you going to do?”  And, then, I would go paint my nails and luxuriate in the tub…guiltlessly.

So, for you…What “truths” are holding you or your child’s other parent hostage?  What change are you ready to make room for?

Get Connected. Be Supported. Join the Community!

Many of the resources we have found that speak to co-parenting focus on helping parents transition from one family format to a post-divorce/post-break-up structure. We have and continue to uncover great guidance for one of the most difficult to navigate events that may happen in many of our lives.

But, what happens after the transition? How do you find the support you need to manage the day-to-day reality of raising children between two households, interacting with your child’s other parent or mastering the art of family blending?

Consider participating in our online community, WeParent Connect. Through the community we hope to help people connect in ways that allow them to both find and create networks of support. Whether you’re just trying to stay on the track you’re on or to make changes in your parenting life and relationships, having other like-minded people there to listen, share, challenge and uplift you can make all the difference.

Here are a few things you should know:

• Signing up for our newsletter doesn’t automatically make you a member of the community.  You have to sign up for that separately by clicking on a link in this article or clicking on the “Join the Community” image in the right column of this website.
• Membership is free.
• You will make new friends, and I’ll be the first.  So, look for my invitation once you join.
• The community won’t be the same without you!

And, on WeParent Connect, you get to be the driver—of discussions, of groups, even of the look—as you share our thoughts, form groups around your interests or needs and post pictures of your families. We really are trying to build a positive space for the parents, by the parents.

So, we invite you to learn more about WeParent Connect, and then to make the leap and JOIN!

Say “Yes” to “No”

I think most people would agree that each generation should be better than the previous.  As parents, I’m sure we all agree that we want to give our children a better life than we had.    Personally, I know I do.  Growing up, I was given a tremendous amount of love from my mom and siblings; however, we struggled financially.  Four children and a single mother was difficult.  What my mom was not able to give me materially, she gave me in discipline, drive, problem-solving and determination.  Therefore, when she wasn’t able to pay for college, I was able to get scholarships, loans and work for the rest.  I had the ability to work my way through college and law school.  There is no doubt that those were challenging times, and I do not want my daughter to have to experience the same thing.  However, those tough times developed character which has served me well as an adult. 

So…my predicament.  How do I instill a work ethic in my daughter without her having to struggle so much?  I assume I am not the only parent grappling with this issue. 

Well, I had the great pleasure of attending a lecture recently that provided me with some insight into this issue, and I thought I would share it with you.  Psychologist, David Walsh, presented a lecture at my daughter’s school about the benefits of learning to tell our children, “No!”   Here’s some of what I learned:

Our children are being raised in a culture in which fails to promote self-discipline.  With the advance of technology, there is an emphasis on more, fast, easy and fun.  Because more, fast, easy and fun run rampant, our children have to learn how to say, “no” to themselves.  There are numerous studies that show the ability to wait (self-discipline) is a predictor of success and happiness.  Some of you may have heard of the “marshmallow” study.  If not, look it up and check out the results. 

A study conducted in 2007 showed that 1 out of every 2 teachers leaves the profession by their fifth year.  The primary reason was children’s behavior!  Teachers are now passing students, and in some cases giving good grades, to students who just attend class and don’t misbehave!  Yikes!  It was discovered that many of our children are so used to video games and technological stimulation that when they get to class with a human teaching them, they are simply bored. 

Because things have become easy for children, they tend to throw their hands up when presented with a challenge.  So, we have to help them develop that self-discipline.  On this point, Dr.  Walsh asked a very direct question.  “How many times do you do things for your kids that they should be doing for themselves?”  I didn’t like my answer. 

He went on to talk about the development of the brain.  The last part of the brain to fully develop is the Prefrontal Cortex.  This is the part of the brain right behind the forehead and it controls reflection, impulse control, and consideration of consequences.  This is the part of the brain that says, “Stop, look and listen!”  Because this important function is not fully developed until the late teens, it is fundamentally important that we focus on developing these abilities in our children by encouraging the behavior we want to increase. 

He concluded his remarks by giving us 10 suggestions to help raise our children.

1. Learn how to say, “No!”
   
2. Support, don’t rescue.
   
3. Encourage, don’t coddle.
   
4. Give kids what they need, but not everything they want.
   
5. Back up teachers and schools.
   
6. Visit www.mediawise.org.
   
7. Have clear and high expectations.
   
8. Expect kids to do chores.
   
9. Set and enforce limits and consequences.
   
10. Expect kids to volunteer and help others.  

This was a very brief overview of a two-hour lecture on the subject.  I encourage you to research this more on your own and evaluate your own style of parenting and discipline.  I know I have, and I am learning how to say, “No!” 

If you would like to get the unfiltered information, visit Dr. Walsh’s website at www.sayyestono.org.

Love your children, love yourself!

Defining Deadbeat…and Fatherhood: WeParent Talks to Lisa Carter

Father absence is an epidemic in the Black community.  We know this.  But, according to attorney, filmmaker, WeParent expert panelist, and founder of Seed in the Earth, Lisa L. Carter, there may be more to know about the causes.

WeParent had the opportunity to talk to Lisa about her organization, Seed in the Earth, and insights she gained while filming her documentary, A Fatherless Child:  Diary of Absence.

WP: Let’s just jump in! Tell us a little about Seed in the Earth, your organization, and the film, A Fatherless Child: A Diary of Absence…

Lisa: The film itself was designed really as a ministry tool. I’m a born-again Christian and in my search through asking God what the purpose of my life was, He gave me an assignment, which was to minister to fathers who were absent from their children’s lives and to help them to reconcile and restore broken relationships that existed between themselves and their children and the mothers of their children. And so when I got that assignment during my prayers, I actually got the vision for Seed in the Earth, a hand dropping a seed down and that seed floating down to this image of an earth, of a globe. The mission of Seed in the Earth is to educate people regarding the roles of fathers and to restore the honor in fatherhood.

At some point, a portion of the assignment was, “Okay, you need to make a film.” I didn’t know anything about film. I didn’t know anything about media. I happened to be talking to my best friend about it and pouring my heart out about this big task and how I didn’t know where to start. Well, low and behold, my friend actually has a media production company. Her name is Milicent Hunt, and she was very instrumental in helping me bring the film to pass as a ministry tool for Seed in the Earth.

WP: I haven’t found many documentaries that really focus on this subject. What insights did you gain through doing the film? Was there anything that surprised you, or did it just validate what you already knew about the issue of father absence?

Lisa: Well I’ll tell you that I went into the film with the perspective of being very balanced. I didn’t want to take a position in favor of mothers or in favor of fathers. My intention was to hear the voice of the children and how they feel about all of these conflicts that are going on between mothers and fathers.

One of the things I was really, really impacted by is the term “deadbeat.” What I learned is that we have used the term way too freely to describe a majority of absent fathers. Did you know that the real definition of “deadbeat” is an unrestricted parent who is treated equally, no restrictions, but who voluntarily chooses not to be a present or supportive parent in his/her child’s life? That’s the real definition. So, once I came to that understanding and started hearing people’s stories, I started comparing them to that definition. And, I started realizing that, you know, he’s not a deadbeat, because there are certain things about his situation that are restrictive. There are things about his situation that do not appear to be treating him as an equal parent.  I learned that our society has grown to use that term loosely without really listening to why fathers are not present.

WP: And, what about the children? What did you hear from them?

Lisa: Well, let me start by saying that the epidemic of fatherlessness has three voices and three perspectives. And, sometimes people don’t really realize that. Mother’s got a perspective; Father’s got a perspective; and the child’s got a perspective. And, despite the conflict between the mom and the dad, the child’s perspective is, “Listen, I just want us to get along. I don’t want you to trash each other.” Because, to them, when you have enough self-restraint to not do that, it communicates love toward them.

WP: Right.

Lisa: They don’t want to be in the middle, because when you dog out the other parent, you really dog out a part of your child. The bottom line is the more you talk badly about the absent parent, the more you defer your child’s wholeness. And, this is what they are saying. They’re saying, “Mom, whether you like it or not, part of me was created by Dad. When you make your negative feelings about him openly known to me over and over and over, you cause more bad things to fester in me than you realize. You cause me to feel rejected. You cause me to feel abandoned. You cause me to feel that a biological part of me is bad. You cause me to feel guilty for wanting to mend the relationship with the absent parent, and you just cause me to feel angry toward the world as a whole.”

WP: Some of the things you’re saying may be hard truths for people to accept. It’s much easier sometimes to only be the victim than to recognize how you may contribute to the issues. What types of reactions did you get from mothers?

Lisa: Mothers were very protective in not allowing their children to express themselves. At first I thought it was natural protectiveness, and some of it could have been that. But, much of it seemed like it was more about not wanting my child to let the whole world know that I say to them that your dad is a deadbeat; your dad’s no good. I didn’t get a whole lot of depth from the mothers, other than the anger about how much money he pumped into the child.

WP: Did you find that that was a primary justification? I mean sometimes the absence is just a pure fact of Daddy having made a decision. But, the point of what you’re saying is that sometimes mothers are restricting the relationship. So, is child support the primary reason?

Lisa: I hate to say this, but regardless of the reason the mother and father’s relationship was broken, the mothers seemed to use the money as a weapon. For example, they would articulate that they were angry, because the money a man spends on his child is representative of the quantity of love that he has for that child. That’s what they were expressing, but the more you talked to them and got the background of the relationship, a lot of times, it would come back to something emotional; some fight they had had; something that he had done like, “He hit me,” or, “He cheated on me.” So their tool is to get him for child support, but that wasn’t the real reason they were acting the way they were. Does that make sense?

WP: Yes. I definitely get it. But, one of the things I struggle with as I see more of this dynamic, sort out my own co-parenting relationship and talk about it through the website is that I also get it as a mother. I understand the pain and the frustration and the disappointment that we mothers feel.

Lisa: When you try to measure his worth, meaning his self-worth and whether or not he loves this child by money alone, that’s a kick to his ego and to his manhood.

WP: But, that’s how we’re socialized. It is how men tend to measure their worth and how we measure their worth. There’s really a need to for us to think more broadly about this, but it’s not necessarily how we’ve been raised. I was raised in a two-parent household, and I can remember my mother boiling things down to, “You’ve never wanted for anything. He’s a good provider.”

This is one of the reasons I really like the Role Identifier, the eight roles that fathers play, that you talk about in the film and on your website. It gives a comprehensive description of the part that father’s really play, or should play in their children’s lives. It seems simple, but it’s a good tool to challenge what can be narrowness on the part of mothers and fathers sometimes.

Lisa: I will say that the role of a father has not changed, but many fathers just don’t know what that role is anymore. So many fathers don’t really know what they are supposed to be doing. They don’t’ know that as the creator, they’ve created life and are a source of light for their children; that everything in your child’s development begins and ends with you. They don’t know that as a nourisher, they’re supposed to be there to meet that child’s physical, spiritual and emotional needs. Or, as a protector, they’re supposed to protect their children from negative influences, whether that be through television or radio or the way they dress or speak. They don’t know that it’s their job as a leader to be disciplined himself first, because leadership and influence over your children is part of his job. And, they can’t maintain that job through fear and domination. They need to understand that as a lover, they’re supposed to love their children even when they do bad things. They are supposed to love and care for them and let them know you are committed to them. Not just in your words, but in your actions.

The most important thing that fathers don’t know is that they are the redeemer. That means that you take back what’s been taken from you and in doing that, you have to judge your own wrong as a father. You have to correct the mistakes you’ve made with your children to the best of your ability. Then, you just have to step back into position and just keep on going. You teach your children about what you did wrong. You guide them on how to not make the same mistakes. And, if they do, you pick them up, you love them and you keep going.

WP: I like that provider/nourisher is just one aspect of how you define a father’s role. When I take that to heart, then I can start going down the list and see that, OK, maybe he’s lacking in this area, but there are five others…

Lisa: That he may be doing a wonderful job in. Or, that he may be stronger in the financial area. And, when you start balancing them out, you start to realize that maybe the money isn’t as important as I’ve made it in identifying his worth as a father. Because, if you ask the child, the money is not that important. It is only important to them when they don’t understand the other roles, because you keep telling them your dad doesn’t care about you; he hasn’t paid his child support. Then, they assess that their dad is worthless.

WP: One thing I want to clarify is that you are not saying that fathers don’t have a responsibility to provide. Right? The reality is that there are some true deadbeats out there.

Lisa: Oh, absolutely not. That’s just not the only role. That’s not the end all be all. By definition, there are some who are unrestricted, and they just voluntarily choose not to be a regular or supportive parent in their child’s life.

WP: So, what do you see as being needed to educate fathers who are unclear about the breadth of the role their children need them to play and to reposition them in their children’s lives along all of those different dimensions?

Lisa: My solution is just a small part of the big solution. My solution is just to be in your face with people; to make people interactive; to make them talk and hear each other. It’s not going to be fixed overnight, but just begin the process of dialoging and actually listening to the other person. It’s going to be up to you and the other parent to find the the solution to your situation. We have to be careful about coming up with these magic solutions for people, because relationships are very specific. The magic formula is that you have to sit and dialogue.

I’m sure there is lots of help in the community, but at the end of the day, change is not change until you change as an individual. So, we can look at organizations on a larger scale, but until you change what’s going on in your household, in your mind and in your actions, change is not change. You’ve got to realize that this realationship you have with your child and your child’s mother is not right. Identify what your part is and just start with the decision that you want to change. That’s the most important thing.

For more information on Seed in the Earth or to purchase the DVD of A Fatherless Child visit www.seedintheearth.org.

Official WeParent Challenge: Where the Bleep Are We Going?

The challenge has been issued!  In “Where the Bleep Are We Going?”, Talibah Mbonisi invited the WeParent community to not just consider, but to actually create a family vision statement…if you don’t already have one.  She’s not meeting you on the playground afterschool, but she will meet you in the Official WeParent Challenge forum on WeParent Connect.  And, if you visit the discussion, you’ll be able to download a tip sheet to help you get going.

Where the Bleep Are We Going?

**WARNING**:  Contains OFFICIAL WeParent CHALLENGE.  Read with courage.

I remember when I was a wee one, my grandfather would load my sister and me into the ginormous and very green Delta ’88 and take us for a ride.  A playful man, he’d get us over into some far-off part of Cleveland and then tell the two of us, barely tall enough to even see out the window let alone to know our lefts from our rights consistently, to tell him how to get home.   It could have been a game gone horribly wrong, except that he knew where we were going.  And, even though he had the high integrity to actually follow our directions most of the time, somehow we still arrived at our destination every time.

The moral:  Knowing where you’re headed, where you want to go will take you a long way to getting there, even when the directions aren’t clear and the ride is a little bumpy…or you’re courageous enough to let a pre-schooler and a toddler lead the way.

Co-parenting and parenting itself isn’t a whole lot different from those rides if I try really hard to craft a clever metaphor. We’re pulled in so many different directions between playing Mommy, Daddy, grown-up, parenting partner, parenting soloist and whatever other roles we own, that it’s often difficult to know which way to go.  Everyday, every moment, we are in the process of making choices, and Lord only knows if we’ve got our lefts and rights sorted out this time. At least in my little hurry-scurry-get-it-done-get-us-there parentdom, it’s questionable.

For some of us, I think that what makes the ride much less enjoyable than the Green Machine roadtrips I remember is that we really don’t know where we’re going.  We haven’t stopped long enough to get the vision clear.  We don’t really know what “home” is much less have a good sense of how to get there from here.

Having a family vision statement, a “destination”, if you will, for our families and for our parenting relationships can help.   It can serve as a guide for our decisions about which way to turn, what to do now, what to do next for us and for our children.  Whether we’re parenting alone or doing the co-parenting dance, the process of talking aloud with our children, with their other parent about what we want; learning what is important to them; figuring out how to blend it all together; and then crafting that into a conscious, collaborative vision that everyone can own, can put purpose back at the center of our families.  It can give us a place to find our way back to when we are lost.

Perhaps married parents do this all the time.  I wouldn’t know.  Haven’t been there.  But, I’ll wager the family townhouse that most of us haven’t.  I’ll go so far as to guess that most haven’t even considered it. 

Well, this post is all about challenging you to change that.  (Very OFFICIAL WeParent CHALLENGE begins here.)  If you don’t have one already and if, like me and mine, you and yours could stand a little help getting your bearings straight every now and again, I challenge you to try this.  Just try it.  Sit down with your family, with your co-parent, with yourself and talk about the ideal picture of your family.  Discuss your values and consider which ones you can all embrace.  Understand what makes each of you feel joy, satisfaction.  Then, write it down, refine it…and own it.

Anyone game for the challenge and/or willing to share their family vision statements, meet me in the WeParent Challenge Forum on WeParent Connect.

So…Does your family have a vision or mission statement already?  What impact has it had?  Will you share some tips with us?  If not, will you take on this WeParent Challenge and write one with your family?

What’s in a “Broken Home”?

I was born in 1969, to parents who were aspiring to live a revolutionary life.  For them, this simply meant working against and outside of “the system” as much as they possibly could.  They never married.  When I was two they split and decided to end a romance that had facilitated my arrival onto the planet.  By traditional standards I was a bastard child born out of wedlock to two young people who had never really considered marriage.  Some might say that I was the product of a “broken home,” or a home that never really existed.

Though my parents were young people they believed that there was indeed another way to live in the world.  They tried, as many did, “to be the change that they wished to see.”  Their politics and sense of radical purpose facilitated a tremendous distrust in the U.S. legal system.  So when they decided to go their separate ways they had to make some critical decisions about how I would be cared for.  Up until I was about four years old, they both continued to live in Los Angeles and juggle their parenting responsibilities between themselves and their networks of family and friends around the city.

Yet between four and five my Mother decided to relocate to Atlanta, Georgia so that she could work in factories and organize workers at “the point of production”.  My father had also decided to go south and assist Black farmers in Southwest Georgia in their fight to maintain sovereignty over their land.  I primarily lived with my Mother in Atlanta, but my Father would come up fairly regularly to spend time with me.  At one point he even moved in and lived in our basement temporarily.

Eventually my father left the South and returned to Los Angeles.  At some point during my early years they decided that I would live with each parent during alternating years.  There was no legal work or child support arrangements.  They lived by one simple rule.  Who ever had me took care of all of my expenses with the other parent contributing support whenever they saw fit.  My life was not perfect (whose is), but it was tremendously functional and emotionally tranquil.  I never heard or witnessed my parents argue when I was a child.  They often hugged when they greeted each other and emitted a deep since of sincerity and interest in the well being of the other person.  There was always laughter and humor in the room.  They never made me feel like I had to choose or side with one parent over the other.  In a word, they were principled when it came to me.

Unlike my parents, however, I chose to marry and begin a family in wedlock. My marriage lasted nearly seven years and we were fortunate to have two amazing children.  Though insurmountable challenges ended our marriage, I knew that new challenges lied ahead.  Fortunately, I had a sustainable model to turn to for direction; my “broken home.”

Words from the Wise: I Care About Her Kids…But Not More Than My Own

Dear WftW,

My girlfriend, who has an eleven-year-old daughter and a teenage son and I live together. My son is 7, and he stays with us part of the week.  We’ve been together for over a year now, and she still complains that I treat my son better than her kids.  I try to do for them, but she wants me to spend more 1-on-1 time with her daughter and to spend more money on them.  I care about both her kids and try to be a good example for them and to contribute to the household, but can’t really relate to her daughter, so it ends up that I spend more time with the both.  I contribute money, food, etc. to the household, I cook, take her daughter to school, stay on her son about his schoolwork, and I often pay for activities when all of us go out, but I’m barely making enough right now to do that and provide for my own child.

Despite my efforts, it seems that what I’m doing is not enough for her.  She wants me to be their father, and I’m not.  How do I make her understand that I care about them, but they’re not going to come before my own child?  I’m not sure where to go from here, because I’m not sure if I can ever satisfy her when it comes to her kids.

E., Atlanta

Dear E,

You are absolutely right in saying that though you care for your girlfriend’s children, your primary obligation is to your own child.

Now, because your household is combined and because you said you contribute to it monetarily, I suggest that you and your girlfriend draw up a budget. List your income and expenses, make cuts as needed, and be prepared to stick to it. This of course is easier said than done, especially in the current economic climate, but it’s necessary.

There are many benefits to having a budget, one being that in light of it, your girlfriend shouldn’t continue with her nebulous request for you to spend “more money” on her kids. Your budget should include any support you are paying to your child’s mother; any other expenses on his behalf; and your contributions to the household. Perhaps if your girlfriend can see that you are doing the best you can, she’ll back off of asking you to spend more when you don’t have more to spend. There’s an old saying: You can’t squeeze blood from a turnip.

All that said, though, I suspect that the deeper issue here really isn’t about money. Your girlfriend maybe doing a “prove your love” kind of thing, i.e., “If you really care about my kids, if you’re really committed to us, then you’ll do x.” I don’t know about you, E, but I hate those kinds of litmus tests. If you and your girlfriend are aiming to build a life together, that life should be built on mutual trust and understanding, and open communication about expectations and boundaries–not little tests.

Now you didn’t ask for advice in this regard, but I would like to add that being together a year, especially when there are children involved, is not really that long. In that short amount of time, you and your girlfriend are still getting to know each other, your quirks, your values—and then you throw kids and parenting styles and expectations into the mix. That’s a lot to try to nail down in a year’s time, and now you’re really doing the “trial by fire” thing.

So now you and your girlfriend owe it to yourselves—but most importantly to your kids—to backtrack and really do some relationship work. Your expectations of each other as partners and as parents need to be articulated, reasonable, and aligned. I highly recommend you check out the step-dating resources offered by the Step and Blended Family Institute, and share them with your girlfriend.

You are right to be concerned that your girlfriend wants you to be her children’s father (and I am assuming their father is not in their lives in any meaningful way). This is problematic on several levels. First, this approach teaches the children—especially her daughter—that men are somehow interchangeable. Second, it ignores whatever feelings and issues the children may have with regard to the real or essential absence of their father. In essence, your girlfriend is telling her children, “Get over your dad. Here’s a new guy.” Not a good idea.

Third, this approach teaches the children that close relationships can or should be forced and automatic. What if her children, particularly her daughter, doesn’t yet trust you fully? Even if you are a great guy and very trustworthy, this would be an entirely reasonable feeling on the children’s part to still be wary of you as they have only known you for about a year, and within that time you went from being a complete stranger to living with them. To try to force a bond between you and the children under those circumstances isn’t fair to you or to the children, nor is it beneficial to their emotional well-being and development.

Just as an aside—though an important one—I hope your girlfriend doesn’t make her accusations about how you treat her kids, in front of her kids. All of these issues are grown-up matters, and if they aren’t currently being discussed out of earshot of the kids, they really should be going forward.

The last line of your letter says it all, in my opinion. Your girlfriend may never be satisfied with your efforts. At this point, you haven’t given yourselves, or the children, enough time to build a bond based on trust and open communication. If your girlfriend continues to try and force this process along, she risks damaging her relationship with you, as well as failing to address some serious father issues that her children may have.

Then again, maybe the kids are dealing with their father’s absenteeism—but mom isn’t. If all of her pushing is really about her disappointment with or anger at her children’s father and what he has failed to do, she needs to deal with that, and stop making it about you.

All in all, the ball is in her court. Hopefully, she will be willing to hear your concerns and slow down the fast-moving train that is your household.

All the best to you and your family,

Deesha

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Are You Honoring Your Children’s Rights?

When we are in the heat of conflict with our co-parent, we sometimes have a tendency to make the relationship about us. Whether we are willing to admit it or not, so much of drama between mothers and fathers who are no longer together stems from the anger and hurt we experience when we feel disrespected, unappreciated or slighted. Certainly we care about our children, and certainly we may have some legitimate complaints; but, for many of us, if we get really real with ourselves, look-in-the-mirror-and-acknowlege-the-bump-on-your-nose honest, a major part of our beef is all about us.

But, the truth is, it can’t be. Sure, we deserve to be respected, appreciated and treated fairly. At the center of this, though, are our children. And, our decision to become parents makes this about them and what they deserve, too.

The Bill of Rights for Children of Divorce, written by M. Debra Gold, outlines several basic, but not always so simple to deliver, protections we owe our children. It provides an ideal to which we can all aspire as we navigate our way through the challenges and victories of raising our children together.

We encourage you to read it, print it and refer to it often:

Every child has the right to love and be loved by both parents.

Every child has the right to parents who respect the child’s relationship with the other parent.

Every child has the right to continuing care and guidance from both parents.

Every child has the right to parents who treat one another with integrity and respect.

Every child has the right to freely communicate with both parents in privacy.

Every child has the right to be free of their parents’ hostilities and conflicts.

Every child has the right to freedom from guilt or blame.

Every child has the right to parents who cooperate with one another when it comes to the children.

Every child has the right to be heard.

Every child has the right to live the life of a child throughout minority.

Every child has a right to a safe and secure environment in their parents’ custody.

Every child has the right to financial support from both parents.

Source: M. Debra Gold, Bill of Rights for Children of Divorce.

Collaborative Family Law Keeps You Out of Court

Yes.  We’re serious.  Maybe you’ve heard, but in case you haven’t, there is a relatively new trend in resolving family disputes called Collaborative Family Law (CFL).  Where traditional divorce litigation tends to be adversarial and focused on producing a winner and a loser, Collaborative Law is designed specifically to keep parties out of court and to reach consensus on a fair settlement.

One of the keys to the Collaborative process is that both parties and their attorneys agree not to go to court.  In fact, the attorneys agree that if either client does end up deciding to go to court, both attorneys will with withdraw requiring their clients to retain completely new representation.  This leaves clients with the option to go to court, if they determine that the process won’t work for them, but it motivates the attorneys to prevent that from happening by working toward an acceptable settlement.

Another element of CFL is the use of jointly hired neutral advisors such as financial management specialists, real estate agents, parenting/child behavior experts and divorce coaches.  While each client has the comfort of knowing that their legal rights are being protected by their individual attorneys, they also have the support of a team of experts whose role is to assess the impact of certain decisions and to propose solutions.  In a series of meetings between both parties, their attorneys and sometimes their chosen experts, clients cooperate to define an agreement that aligns with their priorities, interests, goals and needs.

But wait…there’s more.  In this cooperative framework, both parties also agree to:

• Act in their children’s best interests to minimize any negative impact that the situation could have on them.
• Be respectful to one another, stay constructive in their communication and to act in good faith.
• Disclose all relevant information to the other party and the Collaborative team, hide nothing that could be material to the negotiation and to refrain from using the other party’s mistakes against them.
• Maintain confidentiality

All this cooperation may sound a bit foreign, scary even, at a time when both parties may feel very vulnerable.  Still, practitioners suggest that likelihood of resolution extremely high through this process and that it can be shorter, less expensive and lower conflict process the traditional path.

Realistically, Collaborative Family Law may not be the answer for everyone.  Fundamentally, this process requires that both parties be more interested in and capable of trusting and working with rather than against the other party to get the results they’re seeking.  But, if you are willing and able, CFL can be an empowering and viable alternative to traditional litigation and a way to set your family up for greater co-parenting success in the future.

For more information, visit:

CollaborativeDivorce.net 
International Academy of Collaborative Professionals

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