What’s in a “Broken Home”?
March 17, 2009 by Fanon Che Wilkins
I was born in 1969, to parents who were aspiring to live a revolutionary life. For them, this simply meant working against and outside of “the system” as much as they possibly could. They never married. When I was two they split and decided to end a romance that had facilitated my arrival onto the planet. By traditional standards I was a bastard child born out of wedlock to two young people who had never really considered marriage. Some might say that I was the product of a “broken home,” or a home that never really existed.
Though my parents were young people they believed that there was indeed another way to live in the world. They tried, as many did, “to be the change that they wished to see.” Their politics and sense of radical purpose facilitated a tremendous distrust in the U.S. legal system. So when they decided to go their separate ways they had to make some critical decisions about how I would be cared for. Up until I was about four years old, they both continued to live in Los Angeles and juggle their parenting responsibilities between themselves and their networks of family and friends around the city.
Yet between four and five my Mother decided to relocate to Atlanta, Georgia so that she could work in factories and organize workers at “the point of production”. My father had also decided to go south and assist Black farmers in Southwest Georgia in their fight to maintain sovereignty over their land. I primarily lived with my Mother in Atlanta, but my Father would come up fairly regularly to spend time with me. At one point he even moved in and lived in our basement temporarily.
Eventually my father left the South and returned to Los Angeles. At some point during my early years they decided that I would live with each parent during alternating years. There was no legal work or child support arrangements. They lived by one simple rule. Who ever had me took care of all of my expenses with the other parent contributing support whenever they saw fit. My life was not perfect (whose is), but it was tremendously functional and emotionally tranquil. I never heard or witnessed my parents argue when I was a child. They often hugged when they greeted each other and emitted a deep since of sincerity and interest in the well being of the other person. There was always laughter and humor in the room. They never made me feel like I had to choose or side with one parent over the other. In a word, they were principled when it came to me.
Unlike my parents, however, I chose to marry and begin a family in wedlock. My marriage lasted nearly seven years and we were fortunate to have two amazing children. Though insurmountable challenges ended our marriage, I knew that new challenges lied ahead. Fortunately, I had a sustainable model to turn to for direction; my “broken home.”
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MIchell L. Davis on Wed, 18th Mar 2009 6:28 am
Nice article. I think all parents whether inside or outside of the home should be more “principled” in their parenting, always asking themselves, “what is my behavior teaching my child?” or if more proactive, asking “how can I teach this [principle] to my child through my behavior.” Ultimately, it is always about love; demonstrating love to your child.
Talibah on Wed, 18th Mar 2009 1:36 pm
I agree. Great post. I really love how you challenge this notion of a broken home. I am certain that part of the challenge our children often face when our families don’t look like “norm” that apparently for Black people is not necessarily the “norm” anymore, is the sense of shame and “brokenness” that we sometimes impose as parents. Our own guilt, feelings of failure, etc. coupled with the societal judgement of our circumstances just make for a nasty little pill that we feed our children either consciously or subconsciourly, I think. So, thanks for challenging us to see something else.
Ken on Sat, 21st Mar 2009 2:14 pm
Very thoughtful. Thanks!
Jeremiah Jahi on Mon, 23rd Mar 2009 9:53 am
Wow! I found this article to be quite wonderful. The idea of your parents working together in what seems to be harmony is very inspiring. I can’t help but wonder if the ties to the “struggle,” helped them to see that doing what was good for you was bigger than just what happened between them. God said, to Jeremiah: “I knew you before you were born.” Which to me means he knew he was destined for a purpose. I say that to say that it appears your parents had that same idea in mind. They knew you would be something great, so let us not ruin greatness because of our situation.
If we can get more people to be that way today. Is it possible in such a market driven and market value system today? I guess time will tell.
I am glad that all is well for you brother and I hope you are doing the same for your kids.
Very nice story.
Peace, Love, and Respect
Lisa Maria Carroll on Mon, 25th May 2009 10:09 pm
Children would rather be from a broken home, than live in one (Dr. Phil). In order for us to be principled when it comes to our children, we must first be principled when it comes to ourselves.
Helen Brown on Thu, 27th Jan 2011 5:38 pm
WOW! I only wish more people could read your article, My niece came home to inform me that a teacher made a comment about her. she said my niece came from a broken home. Needless to say my niece was distraught.There has never been any drug, alcohol,or violence in our home. I just don’t understand why a teacher would be so cruel. I wonder what kind of home this teacher considers good enough.