Words from the Wise: I Care About Her Kids…But Not More Than My Own

Dear WftW,

My girlfriend, who has an eleven-year-old daughter and a teenage son and I live together. My son is 7, and he stays with us part of the week.  We’ve been together for over a year now, and she still complains that I treat my son better than her kids.  I try to do for them, but she wants me to spend more 1-on-1 time with her daughter and to spend more money on them.  I care about both her kids and try to be a good example for them and to contribute to the household, but can’t really relate to her daughter, so it ends up that I spend more time with the both.  I contribute money, food, etc. to the household, I cook, take her daughter to school, stay on her son about his schoolwork, and I often pay for activities when all of us go out, but I’m barely making enough right now to do that and provide for my own child.

Despite my efforts, it seems that what I’m doing is not enough for her.  She wants me to be their father, and I’m not.  How do I make her understand that I care about them, but they’re not going to come before my own child?  I’m not sure where to go from here, because I’m not sure if I can ever satisfy her when it comes to her kids.

E., Atlanta

Dear E,

You are absolutely right in saying that though you care for your girlfriend’s children, your primary obligation is to your own child.

Now, because your household is combined and because you said you contribute to it monetarily, I suggest that you and your girlfriend draw up a budget. List your income and expenses, make cuts as needed, and be prepared to stick to it. This of course is easier said than done, especially in the current economic climate, but it’s necessary.

There are many benefits to having a budget, one being that in light of it, your girlfriend shouldn’t continue with her nebulous request for you to spend “more money” on her kids. Your budget should include any support you are paying to your child’s mother; any other expenses on his behalf; and your contributions to the household. Perhaps if your girlfriend can see that you are doing the best you can, she’ll back off of asking you to spend more when you don’t have more to spend. There’s an old saying: You can’t squeeze blood from a turnip.

All that said, though, I suspect that the deeper issue here really isn’t about money. Your girlfriend maybe doing a “prove your love” kind of thing, i.e., “If you really care about my kids, if you’re really committed to us, then you’ll do x.” I don’t know about you, E, but I hate those kinds of litmus tests. If you and your girlfriend are aiming to build a life together, that life should be built on mutual trust and understanding, and open communication about expectations and boundaries–not little tests.

Now you didn’t ask for advice in this regard, but I would like to add that being together a year, especially when there are children involved, is not really that long. In that short amount of time, you and your girlfriend are still getting to know each other, your quirks, your values—and then you throw kids and parenting styles and expectations into the mix. That’s a lot to try to nail down in a year’s time, and now you’re really doing the “trial by fire” thing.

So now you and your girlfriend owe it to yourselves—but most importantly to your kids—to backtrack and really do some relationship work. Your expectations of each other as partners and as parents need to be articulated, reasonable, and aligned. I highly recommend you check out the step-dating resources offered by the Step and Blended Family Institute, and share them with your girlfriend.

You are right to be concerned that your girlfriend wants you to be her children’s father (and I am assuming their father is not in their lives in any meaningful way). This is problematic on several levels. First, this approach teaches the children—especially her daughter—that men are somehow interchangeable. Second, it ignores whatever feelings and issues the children may have with regard to the real or essential absence of their father. In essence, your girlfriend is telling her children, “Get over your dad. Here’s a new guy.” Not a good idea.

Third, this approach teaches the children that close relationships can or should be forced and automatic. What if her children, particularly her daughter, doesn’t yet trust you fully? Even if you are a great guy and very trustworthy, this would be an entirely reasonable feeling on the children’s part to still be wary of you as they have only known you for about a year, and within that time you went from being a complete stranger to living with them. To try to force a bond between you and the children under those circumstances isn’t fair to you or to the children, nor is it beneficial to their emotional well-being and development.

Just as an aside—though an important one—I hope your girlfriend doesn’t make her accusations about how you treat her kids, in front of her kids. All of these issues are grown-up matters, and if they aren’t currently being discussed out of earshot of the kids, they really should be going forward.

The last line of your letter says it all, in my opinion. Your girlfriend may never be satisfied with your efforts. At this point, you haven’t given yourselves, or the children, enough time to build a bond based on trust and open communication. If your girlfriend continues to try and force this process along, she risks damaging her relationship with you, as well as failing to address some serious father issues that her children may have.

Then again, maybe the kids are dealing with their father’s absenteeism—but mom isn’t. If all of her pushing is really about her disappointment with or anger at her children’s father and what he has failed to do, she needs to deal with that, and stop making it about you.

All in all, the ball is in her court. Hopefully, she will be willing to hear your concerns and slow down the fast-moving train that is your household.

All the best to you and your family,

Deesha

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Deesha Philyaw is a Pittsburgh-based freelance writer whose publication credits include Essence, Bitch, and Wondertime magazines, and The Washington Post. In addition to freelancing and teaching, Deesha is the co-founder, along with her ex-husband, of CoParenting101.org, a resource for parents striving to raise their children together, cooperatively, after divorce or separation.

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