Check Out “Drama Misty”

Don’t miss Drama Misty, the latest blog post from WeParent Connect member, Sara Shay Sullivan in which she poetically ponders the wonders of parenting a thirteen-year-old on the front side of womanhood.   Check out this excerpt:

Today Drama Misty decided for the third time in as many months that she’s, “never going to tell me anything again.” And after checking with Merriam-Webster for the definition of “never”, which for the record is synonymous with “tomorrow” in thirteen-speak, I realized we were headed to Act II, Scene 1 of the lifetime dramedy that is her life.  

Read the rest on WeParent Connect…

Who Are You Being Called to Become?

I remember the day I found out I was pregnant.  Oh!  The drama!  As I lay there bawling on my cousin’s Vegas bathroom floor, I felt like the world as I knew it had just ended.  My personal Armageddon.

Quickly though, after I recovered from the shock, I realized that this “tragedy” was, in fact, a miracle, a gift, a moment beckoning me to rise to a higher level.  This was a call for me to step into a role I hadn’t bothered to imagine yet, to become a person I hadn’t met yet, and to find within me a well of strength, faith, compassion and commitment I didn’t know existed in this body I wear.

Fast forward a few years, and, once again…drama.  My relationship with my son’s father ended, and any dream I’d had of the three of us doing the Cosby thing was shattered.  Fortunately, our drama was mild compared to many of the stories I hear.  But, we created drama nonetheless.  I acknowledge my unique contributions.  I played the blame game, the I’m-the better-parent game, the how-can-you-treat-me-this-way-game.  But, eventually, just like the Day of the Two Dip Sticks, I had to stop.  Press pause on the woe-is-me victim script I was reading to myself, look for the miracle, the gift in all of this and recognize that the beckoning was once again upon me.

See, I believe that these experiences we call “struggle” or “challenge” or “drama” are moments calling us to connect with the best in ourselves.  Our parenting partnerships or lack thereof are no exception.  We all have our stories when it comes to our challenges with “the other parent”.  That’s real.  Sometimes they mistreat us, take us for granted, shortchange us.  True.  But, we can’t change them.  That’s real, too. 

What we can do is trust that somewhere in the drama there is a voice asking us to claim these challenges as tools to transform ourselves or just to discover what is best in us.

These days, my son’s father and I still have bouts of our special brand of drama.  They are typically brief and even laughable sometimes—a five-minute dispute over who really has the soccer uniform or whether I told him the teacher conference was at 4 or 4:30.   But even then, every once in a while, when I want to poke him in the eye just for emphasis…I stop.  I imagine him one-eyed, and then I hear that voice hollering at me, “Who is this moment calling you to become?”  I answer…and his sight is spared.

I’m curious.  Do the challenges you experience in your parenting relationships ever lift you up instead of bring you down?  Who do you think you are being called to become?

Single Parents Dating After Divorce: Myths versus Reality

How do myths get started? They’re basically stories that take form as fact when they are repeated but rarely questioned by people who appear to have some authority on the subject. People make decisions and assess relationships based on myths and this can be frustrating, disappointing and even destructive. Expectations become skewed and distorted because people are influenced and guided by information that is not only untrue, but also sets ridiculous standards that are not based in reality. Myths are particularly prevalent and can be damaging when it comes to single parents dating with kids in the mix.The challenges of dating when you already have children, are countless.

The myths that couples experience in step-dating* are also not unlike the ones experienced in step-families. And, therefore, having good information, fact not fiction, about what you can and should expect, is even more important. Instead of the couple enjoying the luxury of concentrating solely on each other, they have to nurture their new relationship while balancing time with kids who may be transitioning between households. They have to figure out the relationship dynamics with the kids and be aware of the multiple missteps and pitfalls that can derail the new dating relationship. And most importantly, they have to understand that the success and sustainability of a new dating relationship is dependent on having realistic expectations, being flexible as the relationship evolves, being proactive about the challenges and understanding myth expectations versus reality.

(*step-dating:  a term used to describe couples who are dating with children in the mix. It can represent two single parents dating or a single parent dating someone who doesn’t have any children of their own.)

Some of the common myths that impact on single parents’ dating are:

1. Myth Expectation: We should love each other’s children as much as we love each other, and/or we should love our partner’s children as we would our own.

Reality: Just because dating single parents develop a close and loving relationship, it doesn’t mean that they will instantly or ever love each other’s children. Relationships take time, and when kids are less than impressed when a parent starts to date, this can slow the process of becoming close and connected. Over time, as friendship and trust grow, a deeper relationship may develop between a partner and the kids; but understand:  it can’t be manufactured just because the parents have great chemistry. Love for the kids may follow, and when it does it’s a huge bonus; but it should not be a condition for the adult relationship. In lieu of love, dating partners can care for the well-being of their partners’ children and have respect for what is in their best interests. This creates a much more solid foundation for the success of the relationship and the well-being of the children involved, than the perceived need for love.

2. Myth Expectation: We’ll be one big happy family, like the Brady Bunch, if we spend a lot of time together.

Reality: Kids need time to adjust to a new dating relationship and the worst thing is to throw them immediately or constantly into the mix. They may feel insecure, displaced or even threatened by the loss of time and attention because of a new love interest; so it’s important to spend time alone with them and maintain the security of consistency around their schedule at home. Slowly introduce a new partner and gradually spend time together, being aware of the child’s comfort level. There are distinct stages of development in transitioning into a new relationship and they are different for everyone; kids especially need to move slowly. Remember, they are not usually on the same emotional time table as the couple is

3. Myth Expectation: We need to be equal partners in co-parenting our kids.

Reality: The biological parent has the singular job of disciplining and the dating partner should act only as a friend, assuming the role of coach or mentor. It’s acceptable to emotionally support a dating partner in their parenting role, but taking an active part in disciplining a partner’s kids is guaranteed to inspire resistance in the child, and ultimately resentment between dating partners. It should be avoided at all costs. The issue of children and discipline should be discussed early on so there is no confusion about who is in the parental role. Most often people don’t talk about these issues and just hope things will go well; but this is a recipe for disaster and can create even more confusion for the child(ren) involved.

4. Myth Expectation: Our deep love for each other and devotion to the relationship will take care of any challenges we come up against.

Reality: Single parents dating with kids in the mix face a multitude of challenges on many different levels. Although it’s romantic to believe that problems and issues will work themselves out because of the power of love, the reality is that the more informed couples are, the more prepared they will be to deal with inevitable hiccups. Being aware of issues, understanding the reality of myths, knowing what to anticipate and how to take action is a more effective relationship insurance policy than depending solely on the magic of love. Love is undeniably an important aspect of any relationship, but awareness, acceptance, commitment and the willingness to take the time necessary to get to know each other and to begin to appreciate what is required in a relationship that involves children, are absolutely critical ingredients for success.

The Dating Myths that single parents and singles face when children are in the mix are just one aspect of dating after divorce. Having a reality check goes a long way towards debunking these and other myths and is an important first step in establishing more realistic expectations for your step dating relationships. As two people envision how they see things evolving over time and set realistic and developmentally appropriate expectations, they will be taking the first steps in creating happy, healthy and sustainable relationships that are good for everyone involved.

Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW is a Certified Stepfamily Coach and a Licensed Relationship Coach. She founded The Step and Blended Family Institute. Yvonne coaches step dating couples with children, offers Remarriage Preparation and coaches existing stepfamilies to achieve success. To learn more about how to safeguard your step-relationships or to find out more about the myths that threaten step dating relationships go to http://www.stepinstitute.ca.

Read more from Yvonne about step-dating at CoParenting101.org.

On Being Absent…

I was 22 when I became a father on the eve of my graduation from college.  The birth of our daughter was a mixed blessing, shrouded by uncertainty and disequilibrium: how was I going to afford myself, much less a baby without a career and no savings? After college graduation most people have a brief
incubatory period where they return home for a bit before making the next
power move: job interviews, applications to graduate school, and what have
you. I didn’t quite have this option. The thought of returning to my
family’s crowded two-bedroom apartment in White Plains, New York was beyond
unbearable. I needed a job fast. With a degree in English I had two available options: I could go directly to the Department of Education in New York City
and get a job readily, but it wasn’t likely that I would be able to afford
an apartment and utilities on my own in NYC. The next best option is the one
I took – I applied to Teach For America, a national teacher
recruitment organization that places teachers in historically hard-to-fill
teaching positions in urban and rural communities nationwide. I went to
Houston, Texas, the summer after my graduation to train with TFA. Then I began
teaching middle school in Baltimore, Maryland that Fall.  My daughter, just a
few months old, lived in New York with her mother.

Yes, I had made the
decision to be an absent father.

My daughter’s mother and I separated before she was born. We tried briefly
to rekindle our relationship for the sake of our child, but this was an act
of foolhardy aspiration at best. We barely knew each other, dated only a few
short months before we got pregnant and separated immediately after.

I never imagined that I would ever make the decision to separate from my
child’s mother, because I had been raised in a single parent home and had
vowed early on in my life to not repeat this pattern. My mother was the first born in a solid, Pentecostal marriage. I was determined to build a good life for myself, imbued with the values and commitment that I witnessed in my grandparents’ marriage. 

My father was absent my entire life. I knew him, saw him
often while I was growing up in a small village in Nassau Bahamas. I bore
his name, knew where he lived and knew all of his children–my half -brothers
and -sisters. One hot, Summer’s day in August, 1986, I saw my father’s truck
lazily crawling up a street where I was sauntering home after work. I was
twelve and worked as a “packing-boy” at a local grocery store. I hurriedly
crossed the street before his truck reached me, anticipating that he would
see me, stop his truck and maybe…. I didn’t need money, I just wanted …?

He didn’t stop. He drove right past me, leaving me behind in a cold cloud of despair, which quickly dissipated, with a violent surge of rage that took years to squelch. This single life event propelled me to excel in school and to pursue an upstanding life with inexorable tenacity. I aimed to recover my self-respect, to create a person in myself who was worthy of a
father’s love.

With this experience in my package, how could I then choose to take an absent role in my child’s life? I didn’t quite have an option. My daughter’s mother had flatly stated, “We come as a package deal. You can’t have one without the other.” She was embittered by the dissolve in our relationship and was determined  to make me pay. Immediately following my graduation, before I had even landed my first job, I was in family court establishing what my bi-weekly child support would be. When I arrived in Baltimore, Maryland, my very first paycheck reflected a 17-percent deduction for child support–and every check since. Although this presented a serious financial strain, it neither demoralized me nor keep me from legally pursuing my rights as a parent. 



My daughter is now 13 years old. We have a strong relationship that has survived some hardships– some of which I’ll share in the future. In the coming months I’ll continue to share some of the difficult decisions that I made, including being absent from my daughter’s life for months at a time. Ultimately, I hope to express one value–when parents separate, it is exceedingly important to put their children first, even if they don’t
particularly like each other. Everybody looses if one or both parents is unable to keep the focus on providing the best possible nurturance  they can for their child/ren.

The best part of my story is that despite our hardships, my daughter is emotionally and academically sound. She is my only child and I am exceedingly grateful that I had the good gumption to fight for my place in her life.

Words from the Wise: Too Much Drama from My Baby Mama

Dear Words from the Wise,

I am a father who tries to do right by his kids.  But, my baby mama makes it hard by constantly trying to control what I do with them, who I have them around, etc.  I’m no deadbeat.  I pay child support, I keep my word, but still all I get from her is drama…unnecessary drama…and I don’t even know where it’s coming from except that I was the one who ended the relationship.  One week things are cool and the next, she’s keeping them from me, because I let them stay up too late, or something minor in the scheme of things.  Honestly, I’m at the point where I am tired of all the drama, and sometimes it doesn’t feel worth it.  Maybe I should just wait til they’re older and then try to have the kind of relationship I want with them.  For now, I keep trying, but how do I deal with my frustration and anger with this woman, so I can keep up the good fight?  I love my kids, but the drama is just too much sometimes.

Sincerely,
D., Chicago

Dear Brother:

First of all thank you for writing, and thank you for your commitment to and love for your children.  You write that you only get drama from your children’s mother and that you “don’t know where it’s coming from.”  However, in the next sentence, it’s obvious that you have a pretty good idea where it might be coming from.  You don’t say what the relationship was with your children’s mother, whether you were married or not, however, since you talk about “kids” (more than one), you must have been together for at least a few years.  You say you are the one who ended the relationship and you hint that maybe this has something to do with the drama from your ex.  Without details from you we can only guess that she is:  1) Grieving the loss of love and security in an important relationship; or 2)  finding it difficult to let go of anger and resentment left over from whatever bad experiences she shared with you in the relationship before you left.  So whether it is because of grief or anger that you are having conflict over the children, it is clear that there are serious emotional blocks to the two of you being able to work together for the best interest of your children right now.  

There are several approaches you could take to this problem.  The worst thing to do would be to surrender your rights as a father and to “wait until they are older” to have a relationship with them.  The years of your disappearance would create too wide a river to get back across without damage to the memory of you for your children.  I strongly advise you to stay engaged with your children through all of this.  

I also suggest that you try to talk to your ex about the common love that you both share for the children.  Talk to her about your common hopes and your shared expectations for their safety, happiness and well-being.  Even though you both share in these things, your lives have taken different paths when she may have expected or hoped that you would be a family together.

Even though you are now apart, it might be wise if the two of you made a decision to find a family therapist who is willing to consult with you both to help you develop a co-parenting plan that will include more effectively both of your approaches and ideas for raising your children.  No differently than if you had remained together, you will both still need to learn to compromise and cooperate in raising your children.  And just as a couple who is together might need a counselor to help them get through times of negative communication, the two of you might benefit from the help of a therapist who is knowledgeable about the impact of conflicting emotions and life choices on the ability of two people to parent together.  Demonstrate your willingness to seek the best interest of your children to your ex by suggesting that you seek support from a professional who will help you both discover both your weaknesses as well as your strengths that can be brought into play for the best interest of your children.

All the best,

Dr. A

These words of wisdom were provided by WeParent expert panelist, Dr. Makungu Akinyela, Marriage and Family therapist.

Need advice?  Drop us a line through our Contact form.  If we feature your question, we’ll send you a WeParent t-shirt…and you’ll get some expert advice.

 

How to Be Present when You Aren’t There: Virtual Visitation Brings You Closer

Making sure you’re giving your children enough quality face time is difficult enough when you’re a parent living in the same home, but if you’re parenting from a distance, the challenge is even greater.  And, for children longing for the presence of a parent who is geographically too far to see live on a daily basis, the absence can be distressing.   While the ideal way to spend time with your child is in the physical realm, the realities of life, such as job relocations, marriage to a spouse living in another location, or the need to move to an area with a stronger support network, can all put significant physical distance between you and your child.  But, that doesn’t have to mean that emotional distance grows, too.  If you can’t beam yourself there, virtual visitation/parenting time is a great way to stay connected.

With the availability of free video chat services like Skype and GoogleTalk with video chat, for the cost of a video cam, you can hear and see your children from anywhere you can get an internet connection.  No, it’s not the same as being there, and it isn’t intended to replace live visits or justify moving away; but it is a simple, inexpensive way to move past the limitations of email, telephone and instant messaging to create a stronger and more consistent connection with your child.

What You Need to Get Started

In addition to a co-parent who is willing to support and facilitate the visits, the other ingredients for a complete set-up are:

• Computer 
• High-speed internet or broadband connection
• Webcam
• Headset/Microphone
• Video chat software

Services to Consider

There are several options for video chatting.  Here are a few worth considering:

Etendi Bridge (www.etendi.com)—This is a new service developed specifically for distance parenting.  In addition to video chat, Entendi Bridge includes games and an interactive whiteboard where you and your child can share in the fun.  There’s also a shared calendar.  And, you can leave recorded “Thinking of You” messages.  This is a subscription-based service, but they offer a free trial.

Gmail Voice and Video Chat(www.gmail.com/videochat)—All you need to get started with voice and video chat is a Gmail account from Google.  You’ll have to download the plug-in which only takes minutes.  From there, you can use instant messaging, voice-only or video to communicate with your child.  It’s simple, and even better…it’s free!

Skype (www.skype.com)–Skype is another free service that allows you to IM, talk or make video calls.  Their premium subscription service also allows you to call out to a land lines all over the world for a low monthly fee.  So, if you’re separated by oceans, or travel internationally, this might be a great option to give your kids phone access to you wherever you are.

While virtual visitation isn’t the only way to stay connected to your child when you can’t be with him or her, it is one of the richest ways to communicate in real-time. An excellent online resource for more information about this topic is The Virtual Visitation Portal, whose mission includes providing education and information about virtual visitation and how it can help parents stay in touch with their children. If you aren’t already doing it, consider talking to your co-parent about ways to incorporate this tool into your parenting plan.

Drop a comment below to share your thoughts and tips about distance parenting and virtual visitation. 

Mom’s House, Dad’s House

Mom’s House, Dad’s House:  Making Two Homes for Your Child  by Dr. Isolina Ricci is a classic co-parenting book.  Originally written in 1980, there is a revised edition available with some new content.  Although some critics of the book highlight its bias in primarily using examples where the mother has primary custody, this one is a great primer on everything you need to consider as you step into a co-parenting relationship.  It offers comprehensive, actionable guidance and solutions for setting up a two-household system that works for your kids.
Learn more or purchase Mom’s House, Dad’s House…

Spiritual Divorce: Divorce as a Catalyst for an Extraordinary Life

Spiritual Divorce by Debbie Ford is a guide to turning one of the most painful relationship experiences into an empowering transformation.  It offers a liberating perspective on the devastation that can come with the end of a relationship.  Through exercises, insightful questions and a spiritual approach to dealing with adversity, Spiritual Divorce can help shift your perspective in ways that leave you feeling empowered and healed.

Let us know what you think.

Learn more or purchase Spiritual Divorce…

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