Say “Yes” to “No”

I think most people would agree that each generation should be better than the previous.  As parents, I’m sure we all agree that we want to give our children a better life than we had.    Personally, I know I do.  Growing up, I was given a tremendous amount of love from my mom and siblings; however, we struggled financially.  Four children and a single mother was difficult.  What my mom was not able to give me materially, she gave me in discipline, drive, problem-solving and determination.  Therefore, when she wasn’t able to pay for college, I was able to get scholarships, loans and work for the rest.  I had the ability to work my way through college and law school.  There is no doubt that those were challenging times, and I do not want my daughter to have to experience the same thing.  However, those tough times developed character which has served me well as an adult. 

So…my predicament.  How do I instill a work ethic in my daughter without her having to struggle so much?  I assume I am not the only parent grappling with this issue. 

Well, I had the great pleasure of attending a lecture recently that provided me with some insight into this issue, and I thought I would share it with you.  Psychologist, David Walsh, presented a lecture at my daughter’s school about the benefits of learning to tell our children, “No!”   Here’s some of what I learned:

Our children are being raised in a culture in which fails to promote self-discipline.  With the advance of technology, there is an emphasis on more, fast, easy and fun.  Because more, fast, easy and fun run rampant, our children have to learn how to say, “no” to themselves.  There are numerous studies that show the ability to wait (self-discipline) is a predictor of success and happiness.  Some of you may have heard of the “marshmallow” study.  If not, look it up and check out the results. 

A study conducted in 2007 showed that 1 out of every 2 teachers leaves the profession by their fifth year.  The primary reason was children’s behavior!  Teachers are now passing students, and in some cases giving good grades, to students who just attend class and don’t misbehave!  Yikes!  It was discovered that many of our children are so used to video games and technological stimulation that when they get to class with a human teaching them, they are simply bored. 

Because things have become easy for children, they tend to throw their hands up when presented with a challenge.  So, we have to help them develop that self-discipline.  On this point, Dr.  Walsh asked a very direct question.  “How many times do you do things for your kids that they should be doing for themselves?”  I didn’t like my answer. 

He went on to talk about the development of the brain.  The last part of the brain to fully develop is the Prefrontal Cortex.  This is the part of the brain right behind the forehead and it controls reflection, impulse control, and consideration of consequences.  This is the part of the brain that says, “Stop, look and listen!”  Because this important function is not fully developed until the late teens, it is fundamentally important that we focus on developing these abilities in our children by encouraging the behavior we want to increase. 

He concluded his remarks by giving us 10 suggestions to help raise our children.

1. Learn how to say, “No!”
   
2. Support, don’t rescue.
   
3. Encourage, don’t coddle.
   
4. Give kids what they need, but not everything they want.
   
5. Back up teachers and schools.
   
6. Visit www.mediawise.org.
   
7. Have clear and high expectations.
   
8. Expect kids to do chores.
   
9. Set and enforce limits and consequences.
   
10. Expect kids to volunteer and help others.  

This was a very brief overview of a two-hour lecture on the subject.  I encourage you to research this more on your own and evaluate your own style of parenting and discipline.  I know I have, and I am learning how to say, “No!” 

If you would like to get the unfiltered information, visit Dr. Walsh’s website at www.sayyestono.org.

Love your children, love yourself!

Whitney Traylor is a professor, attorney, author and single father of an eleven year old daughter. In addition to sharing his insights through his book DAD Under Construction, Whitney travels the country motivating youth and parents to achieve new heights.

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