Words from the Wise: Too Much Drama from My Baby Mama

Dear Words from the Wise,

I am a father who tries to do right by his kids.  But, my baby mama makes it hard by constantly trying to control what I do with them, who I have them around, etc.  I’m no deadbeat.  I pay child support, I keep my word, but still all I get from her is drama…unnecessary drama…and I don’t even know where it’s coming from except that I was the one who ended the relationship.  One week things are cool and the next, she’s keeping them from me, because I let them stay up too late, or something minor in the scheme of things.  Honestly, I’m at the point where I am tired of all the drama, and sometimes it doesn’t feel worth it.  Maybe I should just wait til they’re older and then try to have the kind of relationship I want with them.  For now, I keep trying, but how do I deal with my frustration and anger with this woman, so I can keep up the good fight?  I love my kids, but the drama is just too much sometimes.

Sincerely,
D., Chicago

Dear Brother:

First of all thank you for writing, and thank you for your commitment to and love for your children.  You write that you only get drama from your children’s mother and that you “don’t know where it’s coming from.”  However, in the next sentence, it’s obvious that you have a pretty good idea where it might be coming from.  You don’t say what the relationship was with your children’s mother, whether you were married or not, however, since you talk about “kids” (more than one), you must have been together for at least a few years.  You say you are the one who ended the relationship and you hint that maybe this has something to do with the drama from your ex.  Without details from you we can only guess that she is:  1) Grieving the loss of love and security in an important relationship; or 2)  finding it difficult to let go of anger and resentment left over from whatever bad experiences she shared with you in the relationship before you left.  So whether it is because of grief or anger that you are having conflict over the children, it is clear that there are serious emotional blocks to the two of you being able to work together for the best interest of your children right now.  

There are several approaches you could take to this problem.  The worst thing to do would be to surrender your rights as a father and to “wait until they are older” to have a relationship with them.  The years of your disappearance would create too wide a river to get back across without damage to the memory of you for your children.  I strongly advise you to stay engaged with your children through all of this.  

I also suggest that you try to talk to your ex about the common love that you both share for the children.  Talk to her about your common hopes and your shared expectations for their safety, happiness and well-being.  Even though you both share in these things, your lives have taken different paths when she may have expected or hoped that you would be a family together.

Even though you are now apart, it might be wise if the two of you made a decision to find a family therapist who is willing to consult with you both to help you develop a co-parenting plan that will include more effectively both of your approaches and ideas for raising your children.  No differently than if you had remained together, you will both still need to learn to compromise and cooperate in raising your children.  And just as a couple who is together might need a counselor to help them get through times of negative communication, the two of you might benefit from the help of a therapist who is knowledgeable about the impact of conflicting emotions and life choices on the ability of two people to parent together.  Demonstrate your willingness to seek the best interest of your children to your ex by suggesting that you seek support from a professional who will help you both discover both your weaknesses as well as your strengths that can be brought into play for the best interest of your children.

All the best,

Dr. A

These words of wisdom were provided by WeParent expert panelist, Dr. Makungu Akinyela, Marriage and Family therapist.

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