Surrendering to What Is…and to What Ain’t

A couple years back I was fortunate enough to be given an opportunity to take a new teaching position in Kyoto, Japan, where I still live today.  When I got the news, I was so excited that I told all of my closest friends and family.  I also shared my new opportunity with my ex-wife and suggested that our kids could accompany me for a year and then begin alternating between the U.S. and Japan on an annual basis.  I was so hyped that I really believed that we would be able to put together a well balanced, year–on year–off living arrangement like my parents had done for me.  When I was growing up I lived with my mother for one year, and then with my father for a year.  This arrangement continued from elementary school until I began high school. My ex-wife was not in agreement, to say the least.  Needless to say, I was shocked and could not understand why we weren’t seeing eye-to-eye on the issue. 

You see, my ex and I had done what few couples have been able to do; we had orchestrated a harmonious no -contest divorce, shared custody of our children, lived around the corner from each other, and had put in place a system where our kids rotated between us on alternating Wednesdays.  This proved to work well for everyone involved.  So, it was within this context that I thought that we could put this idyllic show on the road—like across the Pacific.  Wrong!

In hindsight, I was quite naïve.  In an effort to gain some clarity I reached out to the women in my life for advice.  They knew that I meant well, and that I just wanted to share a once in a lifetime, enriching experience with my children. However, they believed that my decision could possibly be jarring for the kids or any other parent who was as devoted as my children’s mother.  But, I too, was devoted.  “What about me?” I decried.  Recognizing that I had a point, most of my friends and family advised that I revisit this idea with my ex-wife after I had settled down in Japan and we all had adjusted to the new arrangement. They offered that she would probably agree to such an arrangement once some time has passed and she’s able to fully appreciate the opportunity for what it is.

This was very hard for me to do, but I had no choice.  I was committed to maintaining a harmonious relationship with my ex and not disrupting my kids’ lives in a nasty custody battle or creating a negative situation in an attempt to have my way.  In sum, I did not want to spoil what we had created as loving parents, but I did want to continue fathering my children.  I wanted to know that there would be a time when I would be a full-time parent again.  I needed a comforting resolution for a situation that I created, in part for my kids.  So, I did what experience had taught me to do: I surrendered.

When you surrender to your reality you gain greater insight into what your reality actually is.  When you surrender your mind naturally slows down and you become poised to accept things as they are.  Acceptance always leads to greater peace and clarity even if what is before you is not to your liking.  This was certainly the case for me.  After I decided that my children would remain with their mother and that I would embark on my new journey to Japan without them, I then began to think creatively about how I would parent from abroad. 

Immediately, I began to learn about all of the latest computer technology that would allow me to stay in close contact with my kids.  I started looking closely at my schedule and the kids in an attempt to figure out what times would be available for us to see each other.  Because I had initiated this move I began to think about how I could adjust my finances to accommodate becoming a transnational father of sorts.  Airline tickets were going to have to take priority over other things.   It was not going to be easy, but I began to see the possibilities once I took a hard look at what was before me.

As I surrendered I began to think more meditatively about my children and what kind of relationship I wanted to develop with them.  One of my elders had told me some time ago that it is not the quantity of time that you spend with your children, but the quality.  Upon reflecting on that advice I immediately decided that I was going to become a more “present” parent and devote myself to engaging and listening to my kids more.  I knew that I wanted to make every moment special and become a more expanded person in the process.  Though, I am still holding out for the time when my kids can live with me in Japan for more than just four to six weeks in the summer, I am forever grateful that I surrendered to what was before me. The experience and opportunities that have emerged from this new arrangement have been more glorious than I could ever have imagined.     

Daddy Love: WeParent Talks to RJ Jaramillo of SingleDad.com

WeParent had the opportunity to chat with RJ Jaramillo founder of SingleDad.com, a parenting site where single fathers can go to find tips on everything from using a crockpot to building an effective co-parenting relationship with the ex.

WP: What was the inspiration for SingleDad?

RJ:  Before the website came along, after I got divorced in 1999, I kept notes on what I went through during my whole transition.  I used journals to keep my sanity during the tough times, but those journals became a resource for others. Around 2001, I became this 411, this information phone number for a lot of newly divorced guys that were struggling with their new life.  I would get these random calls, and they would go something like this:  “Hi RJ, my name is X.  You don’t know me, but I’m a friend of Y’s.  I’m newly divorced, and X told me to call you because I don’t know how to…”  I didn’t even know at the time that SingleDad was going to happen.

WP:  So, it sounds like SingleDad was literally a calling for you.

RJ:  Yes.  I don’t think it should be unusual to be an involved co-parent.  I don’t think it should be unusual to be a divorced single father and have a commitment towards parenting, and there’s a lot of great examples, but there weren’t any websites highlighting them.

All I saw out there for single fathers, was one extreme [or the other].  I saw either a completely religious right approach to everything, and you had to belong to that certain sect or that denomination to join.  And, then on the other side was “10 top secrets on how to date 20 women at one time. “

WP:  Funny!  It seems, too, that there’s another segment of sites that target dads who are in battle.  Custody.  Child support.

RJ:  Right.  Negativity.  Right.  Everything is a conflict.  I’m here to deliver a positive message on parenting and to address single parenting needs.

WP:  So, what are the top five issues emerging from the voices of the SingleDad community?  What are single dads talking about?

RJ:  The first category is parenting advice/family counseling advice.  First, and foremost, they are asking for parenting tips.  Number two, believe it or not, is dating advice or relationship advice.  It’s not just dating new women; it’s relationship advice on dealing with their ex.  The third is cooking.  The number four category is family law and then, financial advice.

WP:  Time to get personal.  Let’s talk about you and how you got here.  How long have you been a single dad and what was that transition like for you?

RJ: [After 10 years of marriage and one of separation], I couldn’t make a decision about whether to stay in or stay out. I give a lot of credit to my ex-wife who finally had the courage to say , “I’ve got some good news, and I’ve got some bad news.”   The bad news was, she filed for divorce, and we were going to end the relationship.  The good news was we were going to have a child. Here I was, third child coming, divorced and raising a newborn as a single dad.

I was a typical situation where you jump into the career world and make everything about  chasing the almighty dollar.  But, the reality is that’s gone over the course of one family law visit.  So, I had what really was an awakening, an opportunity to really evaluate where I was in my life. I look at it now as a very positive experience because it really made me think about where my life was going and how recklessly I had created it. The reality was all that stuff didn’t really matter.  What really mattered now was what am I going to do?  I’m going to learn how to be a committed father.  I’m going to learn how to raise a co-parenting family.

WP:  What advice do you give to other dads who are going through this?

RJ:  Seek some true counseling that’s really about thinking about and meditating on what’s most important in your life.  [It’s not about] just being right.   Try to understand the situation that you both fell into and take responsibility.  Unfortunately in family law court, we’re given the signs to just push things through, just push things through. I wish there was some type of timeout that was given in our family court system that just said, “Look, put everything aside for a second and give yourself a good deep breath and get some alone time, all parties away.”

WP:  Yes.  That’s great advice…for parents and for the family law system!

RJ:  I think that having that opportunity…I’m not saying it would have saved my relationship…but I think in terms of what we see and what we’re told in our society according to family laws, it’s about negotiating to win, not negotiating to find peace. 

Most guys that go through divorce don’t get the distinction between alone and lonely.  You’re never alone. You can feel lonely, but you’re never alone.  I think the other mantra that I remind my friends who go through this process, is it’s a transition.  This is one slice of a very large pie, and it’s only a fraction of time.  It’s a very small slice of this pie, which is called your life.

If you just think of the bigger picture, this whole big pie, you’re going to get through it.  It’s just that right now, it doesn’t feel good.  It’s unfamiliar territory.  You have to get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable once and awhile, and know that things will get better.  We’re trained to believe that the only way to get through things is to push.  If we just let go some of the time, they unravel, they unwind, they unhook themselves.

WP:  Powerful guidance, RJ.  So what was different for you about parenting as a single dad?  Co-parenting?

RJ:  Good question.  I took a journey to becoming a real, multi-tasking, multidimensional parent–cooking, cleaning, home management, homework, parent/teacher involvement, social  and school activitiess. I had to learn the simple things that we take for granted—learning how to hem pants, how to sew a button, how to master the crockpot and cooking healthy for my children.  I guess [I learned] the key word is maybe “giving”, not surrendering, but giving yourself to your child.

WP:  Right.  I think that’s potent, “…giving yourself to your children…”  this concept of really making it be about your child and letting that be a gateway to your own self-discovery.  I find that that’s often a more effective way of making changes in your co-parenting relationship, not through attacking the conflict head-on but rather through engaging more in your growth as a parent.

RJ:  I agree. And you don’t stop, because the change that kids bring to you always demands growth.

Be sure to check out SingleDad Diaries to see what’s next for RJ, two other single dads and their kids as they prepare to live together in the Single Dad House!  And, for more resources, advice and parenting tips for single fathers, visit SingleDad.com.

Teaching My Son about Violence

I was stunned when Chris Brown and Rihanna cancelled their Grammy appearance because one was in the hospital being treated for bruises from a domestic assault, while the other – her accused assailant – was being booked for beating the woman he loved. And in the days that followed, my emotions ran the gamut: sadness that Brown had already been tried and convicted in the trial of public opinion, befuddlement as to how a man could inflict bodily harm on a woman he loves, and confusion as to why so many people – men and women, young and old alike – felt like Rihanna brought the attack on herself.

Like most people, I saw this as a teachable moment for my daughters. As a woman who has never been hit by a man, I grapple with my understanding of how a love affair can go so wrong that a heated exchange of words can escalate to a point where someone – the man, the woman, or both – is left bloodied and bruised. My girls need to know that there is never an excuse or a reason for a man to hit a woman. And they should also know that that knife cuts both ways; they have a duty to keep their hands to themselves.

But no sooner than Brown could post bail and cause another media stir about a much-rumored reconciliation with Rihanna, Gospel megastar BeBe Winans was arrested for allegedly shoving his wife to the ground when he showed up at her house, and the two started arguing about custody issues. And, once again, the blogosphere was ablaze with comments that Winans’ wife must have made him do it. That’s when I realized that these incidents were teachable moments for my son, as well.

Girls can be dramatic

I’m a reformed drama queen. Just ask my three older brothers, and they will tell you about how I would get out of bed every morning and pick a fight, knowing they couldn’t hit me. I’m not talking about us having a physical fight; my tongue was my weapon of choice. And there was nothing I liked more than a fight, than another fight. So, even though my daddy had a strict rule against my brothers hitting their sister, at the very least I wanted them to return my verbal assaults. But, nooo, they ignored me. And that annoyed me. But as time went on, I was the one who gave in and eventually had to come up with other ways to get attention.

That’s the same thing I want my son to do. If he finds himself in a heated situation where he feels like he’s being pushed to the point of hitting a woman, I want him to let cooler heads prevail and walk away. That’s not the time to be prideful. I want to assure him that his pride will still be intact after he cools off.

Roughhousing can land you in jail

My son is a 6’3”, 325 pound man. He’s 18 now and was always a big kid. I had to constantly remind him that he couldn’t play with his classmates the same way that he played with his sisters. (They’re as rough as he is.) Now that he’s a grown man, I tell him that his size is already imposing, and that he really needs to be mindful when engaging in horseplay, because horseplay between adults is not child’s play. A simple shove or push can land him in jail.

Violence doesn’t equal strength

I think it’s unfortunate that so many young men define their manhood by violence. I will teach my son that hitting a woman – or a man for that matter – doesn’t make him a man. I think it’s really important that he understands that respecting women will make him a much stronger man. When he was younger, I used to tell him to impress me with his intelligence, not his stupidity, and that his mind is his strongest weapon. The same holds true for him now that he’s an adult. There’s nothing impressive about a man using physical violence to prove his strength. That’s stupid. He’ll get far more kudos and accolades by exercising self-control and self-restraint…And in doing so, he’ll also avoid a run-in with the law. 

Lisa Maria Carroll

Lisa Maria Carroll is a woman of courage, destiny and purpose who is sharing her insights through her blog, www.singlemomandmore.com.  This single mom of four adult children is hellbent on combating the single mom stereotypes portrayed by popular media. Moreover, she wants single moms to redefine how they see themselves. 

Facilitating a Co-Parenting Revolution

Be sure to check out CoParenting101.org‘s interview with WeParent founder, Talibah Mbonisi.  

Here’s an exercept:

CoParenting101.org had a wonderful opportunity to chat with Talibah shortly before WeParent’s official March 4th launch. Here are some other highlights from our conversation…

Talibah: I’ve said this to myself and to other mothers I know: You cannot have a child with someone after three months of knowing him, and then be mad when he turns out not to be your Prince Charming.  Well, you can, but the truth is,  we made choices, and somewhere along the way we have to own those choices,  shed our victim and claim our power.  That is my mantra to myself these days, and it has made a difference in my co-parenting relationship.

CoPa101: Some people can rise to the occasion of parenthood; others can’t or won’t.

Talibah: Very true.  You can stand between your child and serious harm, but you can’t shield him completely from the reality of who his father is.  Some people just aren’t going to be our vision of perfect parents.  But they may still have some purpose in their children’s lives, and we have to learn to be ok with that sometimes.

CoPa101:  We can’t confuse our hurt and pain and our disappointment in this person with the disappointment our kids may–or may not–feel.   Healing is so vital. We have to heal ourselves post-break-up for all the obvious reasons, but one really important reason is that we have to model healing and wholeness and cooperation for our children.

But let’s be frank: When someone has hurt you or disappointed you,  sometimes you want to do immature things, nasty things.   “I want you to hurt, because you hurt me.  And I don’t want you to be happy, because I’m not.  So, let me undermine your happy relationship with the kids.”  You want to get in your jabs,  but as a way of life, and in front of the kids and using the kids–that’s bad stuff.

Talibah: Pain will take you there, and many of us just don’t know how to allow ourselves to feel that pain but to also recognize it and move past it as part of the healing process.  We don’t have good ways to get those feelings out, except through our children and through drama.  And too often, our girlfriends (or guy friends) don’t call us on this behavior.

Read the entire interview