Daddy Love: WeParent Talks to RJ Jaramillo of SingleDad.com

WeParent had the opportunity to chat with RJ Jaramillo founder of SingleDad.com, a parenting site where single fathers can go to find tips on everything from using a crockpot to building an effective co-parenting relationship with the ex.

WP: What was the inspiration for SingleDad?

RJ:  Before the website came along, after I got divorced in 1999, I kept notes on what I went through during my whole transition.  I used journals to keep my sanity during the tough times, but those journals became a resource for others. Around 2001, I became this 411, this information phone number for a lot of newly divorced guys that were struggling with their new life.  I would get these random calls, and they would go something like this:  “Hi RJ, my name is X.  You don’t know me, but I’m a friend of Y’s.  I’m newly divorced, and X told me to call you because I don’t know how to…”  I didn’t even know at the time that SingleDad was going to happen.

WP:  So, it sounds like SingleDad was literally a calling for you.

RJ:  Yes.  I don’t think it should be unusual to be an involved co-parent.  I don’t think it should be unusual to be a divorced single father and have a commitment towards parenting, and there’s a lot of great examples, but there weren’t any websites highlighting them.

All I saw out there for single fathers, was one extreme [or the other].  I saw either a completely religious right approach to everything, and you had to belong to that certain sect or that denomination to join.  And, then on the other side was “10 top secrets on how to date 20 women at one time. “

WP:  Funny!  It seems, too, that there’s another segment of sites that target dads who are in battle.  Custody.  Child support.

RJ:  Right.  Negativity.  Right.  Everything is a conflict.  I’m here to deliver a positive message on parenting and to address single parenting needs.

WP:  So, what are the top five issues emerging from the voices of the SingleDad community?  What are single dads talking about?

RJ:  The first category is parenting advice/family counseling advice.  First, and foremost, they are asking for parenting tips.  Number two, believe it or not, is dating advice or relationship advice.  It’s not just dating new women; it’s relationship advice on dealing with their ex.  The third is cooking.  The number four category is family law and then, financial advice.

WP:  Time to get personal.  Let’s talk about you and how you got here.  How long have you been a single dad and what was that transition like for you?

RJ: [After 10 years of marriage and one of separation], I couldn’t make a decision about whether to stay in or stay out. I give a lot of credit to my ex-wife who finally had the courage to say , “I’ve got some good news, and I’ve got some bad news.”   The bad news was, she filed for divorce, and we were going to end the relationship.  The good news was we were going to have a child. Here I was, third child coming, divorced and raising a newborn as a single dad.

I was a typical situation where you jump into the career world and make everything about  chasing the almighty dollar.  But, the reality is that’s gone over the course of one family law visit.  So, I had what really was an awakening, an opportunity to really evaluate where I was in my life. I look at it now as a very positive experience because it really made me think about where my life was going and how recklessly I had created it. The reality was all that stuff didn’t really matter.  What really mattered now was what am I going to do?  I’m going to learn how to be a committed father.  I’m going to learn how to raise a co-parenting family.

WP:  What advice do you give to other dads who are going through this?

RJ:  Seek some true counseling that’s really about thinking about and meditating on what’s most important in your life.  [It’s not about] just being right.   Try to understand the situation that you both fell into and take responsibility.  Unfortunately in family law court, we’re given the signs to just push things through, just push things through. I wish there was some type of timeout that was given in our family court system that just said, “Look, put everything aside for a second and give yourself a good deep breath and get some alone time, all parties away.”

WP:  Yes.  That’s great advice…for parents and for the family law system!

RJ:  I think that having that opportunity…I’m not saying it would have saved my relationship…but I think in terms of what we see and what we’re told in our society according to family laws, it’s about negotiating to win, not negotiating to find peace. 

Most guys that go through divorce don’t get the distinction between alone and lonely.  You’re never alone. You can feel lonely, but you’re never alone.  I think the other mantra that I remind my friends who go through this process, is it’s a transition.  This is one slice of a very large pie, and it’s only a fraction of time.  It’s a very small slice of this pie, which is called your life.

If you just think of the bigger picture, this whole big pie, you’re going to get through it.  It’s just that right now, it doesn’t feel good.  It’s unfamiliar territory.  You have to get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable once and awhile, and know that things will get better.  We’re trained to believe that the only way to get through things is to push.  If we just let go some of the time, they unravel, they unwind, they unhook themselves.

WP:  Powerful guidance, RJ.  So what was different for you about parenting as a single dad?  Co-parenting?

RJ:  Good question.  I took a journey to becoming a real, multi-tasking, multidimensional parent–cooking, cleaning, home management, homework, parent/teacher involvement, social  and school activitiess. I had to learn the simple things that we take for granted—learning how to hem pants, how to sew a button, how to master the crockpot and cooking healthy for my children.  I guess [I learned] the key word is maybe “giving”, not surrendering, but giving yourself to your child.

WP:  Right.  I think that’s potent, “…giving yourself to your children…”  this concept of really making it be about your child and letting that be a gateway to your own self-discovery.  I find that that’s often a more effective way of making changes in your co-parenting relationship, not through attacking the conflict head-on but rather through engaging more in your growth as a parent.

RJ:  I agree. And you don’t stop, because the change that kids bring to you always demands growth.

Be sure to check out SingleDad Diaries to see what’s next for RJ, two other single dads and their kids as they prepare to live together in the Single Dad House!  And, for more resources, advice and parenting tips for single fathers, visit SingleDad.com.

WeParent is a community of parents and parent advisers striving to give our children one of the keys to a happy, healthy and fulfilled life…strong families. We are on a mission to support and uplift African-American mothers and fathers, like us, who are living apart but parenting TOGETHER.

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