MamaSpeak: Sex and the Single Mom

I found the Sex and the Single Mom DVD while shopping on eBay a few years ago. I’ll admit that it was the title that caught my attention at first. And after reading the description, I decided it was worth the asking price.

The movie stars Gail O’Grady, who plays Jess Gladwell, a single mother who has to come to terms with her own hypocrisy when she carries on an out-of-wedlock affair while preaching celibacy to her teen daughter. It’s a realistic look at the natural desires and specific temptations faced by a divorced mother. The consequences are burdensome, and eventually cause a rift between Jess and her daughter.

By the end of the movie, Jess is pregnant with her married lover’s child, as he breaks off the relationship to return home to his wife for the sake of his children, with no knowledge of Jess’s pregnancy.

I watched the movie in awe that someone had taken what I thought was an original script of my life and transformed it into a beloved Lifetime movie. I had just ended a clandestine relationship with a married, but separated minister. And like Jess, I was alive, and my lover had done that. But, before long, I was questioning the double standard I was living, teaching my children one thing while living another. My message was loud and clear: Do as I say, not as I do. And the subliminal message was that it is okay to have sex and not be married as long as you don’t get caught.

There was no denying that I was a bible-toting, Jesus-loving, Christian woman who had abstained from any and all sexual activity for years. There was also no denying that I was a woman who craved the companionship and touch of a man, including sex. But while I was in my relationship, I asked myself what would I do if I got pregnant? How would I “spin it” for my children? How would I tweak my testimony for the church, and make it seem like God had ordained me to conceive a child with a married man of the cloth? Would my lover rush to a divorce court, get a docket number, and then hurry back to me for a shotgun wedding as a cover up?

I broke off the relationship when I realized there were more things wrong about it than right. I wanted to model a healthy, loving relationship before my children with a man who was all mine, because that’s the only way my parental advice would be effective.

A few years passed before I heard from my old flame again. He’d had a child, born during his marriage, with the mistress who followed me. While he explained to me how God revealed to him during our relationship that this woman would have his child, I lifted my hands towards heaven and thanked God that this Hagar testimony wasn’t mine; I’m glad I’m not part of the First-Lady’s Husband’s Baby Mama Club.

A few months ago I was hanging out in a forum on a popular social networking site when a woman asked for help on how to deal with her 14-year-old son. Apparently, he’d heard her and her boyfriend having sex and sent her a text message telling her so. My son is 19 now, and I don’t even want to imagine what he would think about me now if he had heard me having sex when he was 14. Her situation was a stark reminder of how single parents must exercise discretion while dating. Throwing caution to the wind may seem exciting in the heat of the moment with a mate. But it has its consequences when it comes to dealing with impressionable children. They are more discerning than we give them credit for, and can often see right through our hypocrisy.

WeParent family, what policies do you have in place when it comes to sex? Are you practicing what you’re teaching your children? Have you adopted a no sex in the home policy, or are you abstaining from sex altogether until you’re married? Are the rules different for single dads than they are for single moms?

When Co-Parenting Goes…Right: “The Step-Parent’s Dilemma”

Re-posted with permission from our friends at CoParenting101.

So,  you’ve gotten divorced.  Between you and your ex, things were, understandably, rough at the onset of the separation, a bit heated during the legal proceedings, and then still  awkward and raw once the ink was dry on your divorce decree.

Some time passed, a few months, a year, and life settled down into a routine ruled in large part by your custody calendar–the kids’ days and nights with you and your co-parent, weekends, holidays, special events.  In time and in the midst of the day-to-day-ness of parenting, you and your former spouse/partner establish a solid “working” relationship on behalf of your kids.  You communicate regularly; you’re flexible and agreeable.  Maybe, eventually, the two of  you even become…friendly.  Soon, you settle into a peaceful co-parenting co-existence.  You get along so well, friends and colleagues marvel.  Most importantly, your kids are happy and stable.  Then…

…you meet someone new.  After a reasonably long courtship and after the kids have adjusted, you decide that your Someone New is The One.  You marry.  You’re happy.  Your former spouse is happy for you–truly.  The kids adjust some more, as their connection with your new spouse evolves into a step-parent-step-child relationship, and that seems to be going well too.

Everything is fine.

Well, almost everything…

Read on to learn more about “The Step-Parent’s Dilemma”

Can a Father Get a Little Positive Reinforcement?

Like many of you, I often have my list of complaints about my son’s father.  But, the truth is, he ain’t all bad.  In fact, there are plenty of times when he’s actually pretty great.  In honor of that and of Father’s Day, I’m sharing a piece I wrote last year for another blog.

Yesterday a dear friend of mine told me that one of his colleagues, an Asian woman, upon learning that he was the father of three children, actually asked him–politely and with permission–if all of them had the same mother!  Yes, she was accusing him of being a Baby Daddy, and though she didn’t say it, it carried with it all of the stereotypical (and sometimes very real) connotations with which we are all too familiar.  Much to my surprise, he didn’t seem to be angry with her.  But, what he was angry about was the experience of never being seen as the hardworking, committed father and husband that he is.  He shared his really deep and clearly painful feelings about the invisibility of Black men who are committed, do or die, to being good parents to their children or good partners to their wives, girlfriends and co-parents.  And, I am so thankful, because…

The truth is, there is a lot wrong with our families.  We all know the part of our reality that Black in America captured much to the disappointment of many who had hoped for more.  But, there is a lot that is not wrong with our families, too; and even some that’s actually right with them.  And, the truth is that Mamas, our men are not perfect.  But, just like us in all of our imperfection, there are so so many of them who try, who get better for trying, who love us and our children to the best of their ability and who deserve to be acknowledged for that.  I can’t tell you how many times I have ranted to my son’s father about how he takes all the incredible things I do for our child for granted; how sometimes besides a little child support now and then, besides a little time for myself, besides a little more help, I just need him to tell me that I am a good mother, I just need that acknowleged.  I need it acknowleged, because the truth is, sometimes I forget; or sometimes I just need to be lifted up by someone who knows not just where I fall short, but also where I have stepped up, where I hold it down.  I need to know that even though I am not perfect, dammit I try really hard to do and be better.  Doesn’t that count for something?

But, the truth is, sometimes I also want to hear him say it, because I want to know, and I want him to know that I’m the better parent.  Of course, I don’t say that out loud and only admit it now, because I read A New Earth and am trying to better understand how my ego drives me.  And, this is one of those ways.  I want to know that I am better, and I want him to know that he is not enough, because it makes me feel better.  There…I’ve said it.  I’m not proud, but it’s true.  My motivations aren’t always pure.  I’m working on that.  But what it means is that maybe I am part of the problem without intending to be.  So, there…I said that, too.

Well, actually, I figured it out a couple months ago, but where it has led me is to a place where I better understand that, aha, sometimes despite his imperfection, he also needs to be acknowleged.  And, that it is not my place to judge which of us is better, but rather to focus on how to give our child the best of both of us.  My tendency, of course, is to focus on everything he doesn’t do, or doesn’t do well enough, or doesn’t do well enough by my standards.  It is a rare occasion when I will point out what he does do, what he does well, or, difficult to imagine, I know, what he even does better than I do.  My friend, the one with the curious Asian colleague, said that one of our used-to-be mutual friends told him once (and I’ve said it to my son’s father before, too) that we shouldn’t get credit for doing what we’re supposed to do.  But I’m with my friend..to hell with that!  Why not?  Don’t call it credit, if that doesn’t feel right, but how about just a little positive reinforcement?

I know men who, whether I agree or not, stay in unhappy marriages, because they want to be there every day for their children.  I know men who have taken care of their children when their children’s mothers left, only to have the mothers come back and wreak drama on their lives when they decided to step back in.  I know fathers who pay child support, tuition, and more on time, but still don’t have reasonable access to their children.  My point is that there are good Black fathers among us.  There are men who are struggling daily not to be that image that the term “Baby Daddy” may conjure up for some people.  But many find themselves struggling not only against the image but also against us.  Of course, there are a whole lot of raggedy men out there, but the ones who are trying deserve our support and our love…perhaps the ones who aren’t do, too, but this isn’t about them.

So, I just want to suggest that as Mamas we be honest with ourselves about whether we are missing opportunities to offer up a little positive reinforcement or a little more.  This isn’t about stroking his ego, it’s about providing a little encouragement, a loving nod to the effort to do better for our children.  I can only imagine how far a card on a day other than Father’s Day, or a quick email or just a little “Atta Boy” (but don’t call him “boy”) goes in motivating a Black man who is stepping up to step a little higher.

Yeah, I may sound a little Pollyniqua-Annaish, but there is another story to be told about being Black in America…and it is ours to write together.

What say you?

On the WeParent Bookshelf: Becoming the Mom I Wish I’d Had

Becoming the Mom I Wish I’d Had:  How to Heal Yourself and Your Family through HEART-based Parenting by Venus Taylor is a must read if you’re a parent interested in raising healthy, whole, resilient, self-aware children.  A family and relationship coach and founder of the Family Healing Institute, Venus walks us through simple but powerful steps and strategies for using our own experiences as children to guide us toward becoming the best parents we can be.  By sharing painful examples from her troubled relationship with her own mother, Venus shows us that healing is not only possible; it is critical to breaking cycles in our families.

The book is broken down into two sections.  The first, “Looking Back”, guides us through our own childhoods.  Again using her own story for illumination, the author gently encourages us to explore some of our happiest and most painful memories from childhood.  She then helps us uncover parenting wisdom and compassion for our children from those experiences.  By challenging us to view the world through the eyes of the children we once were, she offers a new way of thinking more empathetically about the needs of our own children.

In part two, “Looking Forward,” we are empowered with a set of principles and a toolkit for what Taylor calls HEART-based Parenting.  She offers this approach as a way to develop a stronger, loving and mutually respectful relationship with our children and as an alternative to what she refers to as POWER-based parenting.

Becoming the Mom I Wish I’d Had really is a wonderful guide for any mother who is ready to heal emotional wounds from her own childhood.  But, even more, it is a powerful resource for any parent seeking new strategies and tools for parenting their children more consciously.

The book is available at www.healmyfamily.com.

Shacking is Not Marriage…and I Am Not Divorced