SingleDad’s 3 Top Tips for Communicating with Your Ex

Thanks to RJ of SingleDad.com for permission to post this article.

This past month, I have received several requests regarding Single Parent dating Advice. One of them caught my immediate attention, and it read something like this:

“I am dating a SingleDad and he communicates with his ex-wife too much, how do I stop him?”

I was interested in getting the rest of the story, so I made contact with the member to elaborate on what was going on in this relationship. For the sake of everyone’s privacy in this story, I’m going to call the girlfriend Mary, the single dad Mike, and the ex-wife Nancy.

So Mary’s telling me that she has been dating Mike for over two years now and she feels that her relationship is pretty committed and that Mike and she have the “two home exchange” going on pretty well. This is something where the Single Parent couple will stay at the other person’s house for the weekend and “exchange” destinations every other time when they have a “no kid” weekends. I find this romantic and it happens all the time in most Single Parent relationships. So as the relationship has grown over the two years, Mary just can’t shake the ongoing and frequent communication that Mike is having with Nancy.

I asked, “How frequent do they talk?” Mary explains, “at least 3 to 5 times a day”.  “About what?” I asked as I thought aloud. What bothers Mary is the fact that every time that Nancy calls, Mike purposely leaves the room and talks in whispers for hours to Nancy. “For hours?” I ask.

It appears that Mike will get a morning, afternoon, and an evening call from Nancy. What they talk about, nobody knows but them. What is certain is the type of behavior that Mike is showing every time Nancy calls is bothering Mary. This behavior is not sitting well with Mary for a couple of reasons. First, when Mary approached Mike about the frequency, there was immediate denial and the conversation was ended.  Nobody likes to be “called out” and maybe this is what happens when Mary inquires about Mike’s behavior. And second, maybe there is something to hide, or maybe not. What needs to be discussed is the “choice and consequence” to what’s going on between the couple and their lack of communication in their relationship. You can’t change a person’s choice; you can only let him know the consequences of their choices.

I asked Mary to write down the following advice and follow these three easy steps:

Step 1: Make sure to start this conversation with a “disclaimer”. I know this sounds funny, but most of us want to feel safe in a conversation before feeling attacked which results in taking on a defensive role. If you want results, try starting the conversation with, “I am not mad you, nobody’s right or wrong in this conversation, I just want to make sure that I am doing my part on having a discussion in the best possible way with you”… The choice is his now.  Does he feel important to change his choices? You have his attention, let’s go to the next step and see.

Step 2: Take ownership for how you feel. This sounds strange, but many times we are not “saying what we mean” under the duress of an argument. We often think we are explaining ourselves very clearly in the heat of the battle, when often, we’re not. Start a conversation this way, “Mike I am feeling uncomfortable, or I feel awkward when this happens and I don’t know how to talk about it and I need your help”… and it is best to wait, be patient for a reply instead of jumping into assumptions or interruptions. Allow Mike to “Visualize” what is going on for you as you walk him through the picture of what you see and feel.

Step 3: Give your results a realistic time frame. Most of the time, these past behaviors built up over time. And they are not going away overnight. In fact, it’s healthier to see the gradual change in a partner’s behavior than a “Cold Turkey” approach, (the rebound is much more severe).  It takes more effort to acknowledge the positive, so take a stand and show the courage with your partner that you notice even the little improvements in the relationship. Most of the time we fall into the gap of “negative reinforcement” and often talk about the glass half empty approach and point out what’s wrong instead of what’s right. Make every effort in pointing out the positive and you will see better lasting results.

I will keep you posted on their results. Please feel free to comment on this subject on our SingleDad Forum.

Support for Single Moms Raising Sons: Meet David Miller of Raising Him Alone

WeParent had the opportunity to to interview David Miller of the Raising Him Alone campaign which launched earlier this year.  Founded by David Miller and Matt Stevens, Raising Him Alone is dedicated to researching, designing, and implementing a campaign to support the social well being of single mothers raising boys. Through a series of intense community forums, workshops and support group initiatives, RHA seeks to increase access to resources in the areas of health and well being, educational support and advocacy, and financial literacy.  Read on to learn more…

WP: How was the Raising Him Alone Campaign born?

David: Based on our working over the past 15 years with young African American and Latino males. We began to realize that parental engagement was a key area that needed to be focused on. The vast majority of these young males were being raised exclusively by mothers and grandmothers.

WP: Why are you and Matt doing this?  What inspired you to take this on in such a big way?

David: While we are both responsible fathers who are vested in the lives of our families and children, we realize that too many boys are growing up without the family support needed to become successful.  And, if not us, then who?  We get tired of hearing excuses about what’s happening and what’s not happening in our community.  It is time for us to begin to connect the dots.  The lives of our children are at stake.

WP:  Often, I think that our daughters are forgotten when it comes to assessing the impact of father absence.  We forget that our daughters need their fathers, too, and that they often suffer deeply when Daddy isn’t there.  Why the specific focus on raising boys alone?

David: This is true.  Many times our daughters do not get the kind of attention that is needed.  I wrote a book several years ago focused on father/daughter relationships.  When you look at the data on young males, it is clear that we are losing too many boys to violence, incarceration and hopelessness.

WP:  You’ve got a wonderful website with a variety of resources for mothers like recommended reading, tips and your blog.  What other support does the campaign offer?

David: We provide monthly motivational messages to single mothers/grandmothers raising boys.  We also provide referrals to mothers/grandmothers raising boys.  We use our national contacts to try to connect these mothers/ grandmothers to services anywhere in the U.S.  It may take us a few days or weeks, but we have already connected over 3,000 families.

In the next few months we will be offering some on-line seminars as well for parents.  Through our Facebook page, Single Mothers Raising Boys, we are having some amazing discussions with mothers across the country.  Facebook has allowed us to extend these discussions to mothers abroad, too.

WP:  I know you’ve done a few workshops and resource fairs in Baltimore and Jersey.  Are you planning to bring them to other cities?  What other programs are in the works?

David: We are interested in hosting Raising Him Alone workshops in communities across the country.  We are interested in focusing specifically on working more closely with churches and community groups.  This information is critical to our survival, so we must find ways to better support single mothers and grandmothers, as well as, support the process of reconnecting fathers.

WP: Now, you also published a book as part of the launch.  What type of guidance will mothers find in it?

David: Raising Him Alone was released on May 4, 2009, in Brooklyn, NY (available at www.raisinghimalone.com).  The book focuses on strategies to support single mothers and grandmothers raising boys.  Many of the strategies in the book were based on a series of interviews and focus groups with a diverse group of mothers and grandmothers.  The book is a must-read for parents who need a balance in their life to support raising a boy to become a man.

WP:  What kind of response are you getting from mothers and children touched by the campaign so far?

David: The response has been overwhelming.  We have touched the lives of over 4,000 mothers and grandmothers since the launch of the campaign!  We have been able to connect many mothers and grandmothers to vital resources, as well as, help them think more critically about the needs of their sons.

WP:  What are the biggest themes or issues you’re uncovering as you talk to mothers about what type of support they really need and want?

David: Many mothers and grandmothers have contacted us, because they are being physically abused by their sons.  We have received an alarming number of emails and calls from parents who struggle with this issue.  We have connected many of these moms to social services and domestic violence agencies within their local area.

The issue of reconnecting dads is always an emotional subject.  Many of the mothers we have spoken to are bitter and are not willing to work on developing a healthy relationship with their son’s father.  In many of these cases, we have referred these mothers to counseling services within their local area.

WP:  And, what about fathers?  Does the campaign do outreach to engage them?  What are they saying about Raising Him Alone?

David: We are getting a lot of responses from fathers.  Many are seeking ways to get reconnected.  Within the next few weeks, we are launching a new website for fathers that focuses specifically on responsible fatherhood.  The men are in need of help.  Many have realized the mistakes they have made, but are interested in reconnecting with their family.

WP:  To wrap things up, what are the key thoughts you’d like to leave with the WeParent family?

David: We would like to partner with WeParent and other groups that are providing solutions for families.  We must move beyond the blame game and create models that strengthen families.

WP:  As the mother of a beautiful boy, I want to thank you for taking this on.  So often, single mothers are made wrong and blamed, however subtly or blatantly, for the condition of Black boys as a group in this country.  It becomes all about our failing.  This campaign really seems to recognize that most mothers are doing the best they can with what they have.  They don’t need blame, guilt, to be wrong.  They need substantive empowering support and upliftement.  So, thank you for offering that through the Raising Him Alone campaign.

To learn more, visit: www.raisinghimalone.com.