Fatherhood Freestyle: Mamas, Are You Getting in the Way?

About two weeks ago, it was close to midnight and I was getting some food on my way home from the office. Because it was late, I was the only customer and while I waited a young man with a bandana over his face, busted in and robbed the spot. The young robber pressed the gun to my head and demanded that I “get down!” I continue to be shaped by that evening.

After that incident, a good friend suggested I spend some time with my daughter and really just love on her. My daughter had no idea what happened to me and I will not tell her until she is much older. No need to give her unnecessary anxiety. However, my friend encouraged me to really connect with my daughter, because although she had no idea what happened, she almost lost her Daddy.

So, I took the advice and that Friday, after my daughter’s half-day, I picked her up and told her, “Today is all about you Babe. Whatever you want to do, we’re gonna do.” And, we did. We spent a day filled with dad-n-daughter activities that eventually left us exhausted and ready to relax in front of the TV show of her choosing. There we were relaxing and watching T.V., when the doorbell rang.

After not having seen him for eight years, I was shocked to see my father standing at my doorstep. And, after having the gun at my head just a week earlier, this surprise visit added to my surreal experience and caused me to ask, “What is the Universe telling me?” I was not only surprised by this unexpected visit…I was confused.

I let him in. We talked. He met his granddaughter. He had met her when she was three, but she didn’t remember and I don’t think his memory was much better. Nonetheless, he stayed with us for a few days and then took the two-day journey back home.

It was in those three or four days that my Dad and I reconnected, While we did not dwell on the past or his extended absences in my life, we did touch on the topic. And, I learned some things about his perspective that I certainly did not know. While I may have disagreed with many of the decisions my father made while we were growing up, it turns out that he may have made a real effort to be a presence in our lives, and that perspective had never been shared with us. He explained the difficulties he encountered with my mother as he tried to have a presence in our lives. He told me of the times he would drive to our school and watch from outside the fence as my brother and I played at recess. He told me how he would “cry like a baby” while he watched us from a distance. I never knew this, and learning about it at age 38 gave me a new appreciation of my father. I am not taking a position on whether he should have or could have done more to be present in our lives, but I now know he did try and had the desire. I am also not taking a position on how difficult or easy my mother made it for my dad to have a place in our lives.

I simply learned an important lesson from listening to my Dad’s saga. This is a message for my sisters out there. I know you may be hurt. I know separation is hard. I know you may have been wronged by the father of your children. However, you still have a lot of influence over whether your child’s father is present or absent in that child’s life. I am by no means excusing any lack of self-responsibility; but, I have seen too many men making sincere attempts to have a place in their child’s life only to be thwarted by an embittered and hurt mother. I want to encourage you to get through your pain so that you can create a situation in which the father can stay present in the child’s life.

I have not reached a conclusion, but I wonder if my mother prevented my father from having more of a presence in my life. My father’s absence was a significant experience for me and one I spent a lot of time reflecting upon and absolutely ensuring would not be repeated. If your child can avoid the questions he or she may have because of an absent father, so much pain and confusion will be avoided. For your child’s sake, create an environment that allows the father to be involved with the child.

Jerry Maguire may have said it best, “Help me help you!” Help the father, help the child!

MamaSpeak: Etiquette Tips for Our Sons

I recently moved to Washington, D.C, and one of the nice things about being here is that I can listen to Steve Harvey in the morning. Steve is a funny guy. But along with his comedic flair comes a softer, gentler side that’s passionate about teaching young men to act like men and helping women make a love connection.

Last week Steve’s show sent 29-year-old “Lirpanla” on a date with 27-year-old “SELDOM1.” After the date they came back on the show to tell how it went. And you could tell by their tone that it didn’t go well.

Lirpanla called SELDOM1 immature and childish because he opened her car door and made her scoot over, so he could get in. And, then he didn’t walk on the side of the sidewalk closest to the street when they were walking to the restaurant. SELDOM1 called Lirpanla high-maintenance because he had never heard of a man walking around to get into a car after letting the woman in, nor did he know that a man should walk on the sidewalk closest to the street as the first line of defense, if anything happens to the woman.

At that point I did have some compassion for the man, and especially after I read an article in Sports Illustrated about Miami Hurricane’s coach, Randy Shannon, talking about taking etiquette classes at 17 to learn how to open a door for someone. I guess I just thought it was innate. Maybe that explains why I have friends who have never had a man open their car door. It could also explain why my children’s friends would come into my house, and my son would have to tell them to take their hats off They don’t know, because they’ve never been taught. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve dined in restaurants and seen teens wearing caps and hats, and the adults they’re with say not a word.

Some men consider opening doors and pulling out chairs outmoded. And some feminists find it offensive. But, chivalry is not dead. As a true Renaissance woman who knows what makes me a strong black woman, there are some things that will never go out of style, nor are they signs of weakness for me or my male companion:

• When going down stairs or an escalator, the man goes first. In case the lady trips, he can catch her.  When going up stairs or an escalator, the man follows for the same reason.
• When entering and exiting an elevator, the man holds the door open and lets the woman enter or exit first.
• When entering a building, the man opens the door for the woman so that she may enter first. (Except when entering the house. A man enters the house before his wife and kids.)
• When exiting a building, the man goes to the same side of the woman that the door hinge is on, reaches around her, pushes open the door and holds it while she exits.
• For revolving doors, let the lady enters first.  Gently get the door moving; step into the next “stall”, and continue pushing, so she doesn’t need to.
• When walking down the street, the man should be between the lady and the traffic.
• Always open a car door for a woman. After you open the door, walk around and get in. Don’t ask her to scoot over.
• Go to the door to get your date. Never sit in the car and honk your horn.  After a date, a man walks a lady to her door.
• If a woman drives to a man’s place, the man walks her to her car when she is ready to go, opens the door, and helps her get in.
• A man respects a woman’s boundaries. “No” means “no,” even if he thinks it’s probably “yes.”
• A man never calls a woman out of her name.
• A man never…E-V-E-R hits a woman.
• A man never tries to buy love, because he’ll never finish paying for it.
• A man ALWAYS pays for the first date.
• A man helps a lady with her suitcase.
• A man remove his hat upon entering a restaurant.
• A man pulls out the lady’s chair, and helps her get seated before he sits down.
• When the lady needs to go to the restroom, the man stands up and pulls out her chair.  When the lady returns from the restroom, the man stands up and pulls out her chair.

Mamas, we might not be able to teach our sons everything about becoming a man, but we can certainly join Steve in teaching them how to treat women.

WeParent Family, what do you think we should be teaching our sons?

WeParent Wednesday: Speak Your Mind!

If your relationship with your child’s other parent were a movie…which one would it be?

WeParent Wednesday: Speak Your Mind!

Baby Mama, Baby Daddy, single parent, co-parent, step-parent, bonus parent or just parent…

Does what we call our ourselves really matter?

Book Review: How to Survive and Win as a Co-Parent

One of my favorite resources as a family practice attorney is How to Survive and Win as A Co-Parent, written by Arline S. Kerman. Though this book was copyrighted in 2006, the content is as relevant to any co-parenting challenge you are facing right now–today. It is a resource guide for all parents: single, married, separated or divorced.

The object of this book is to guide those parents who want specific steps to successfully co-parent. It contains real stories which illustrate how the lives of parents and their children can be destroyed when parents are: (1) not motivated to co-parent and (2) not trained to implement a co-parenting agreement. This guide is written from Arline Kerman’s qualified view as an attorney, Doctor of Psychology and mother. With these credentials, her resource exhibits a full understanding of family dynamics.

The opening chapter questions why co-parenting is such a problem for some parents. It exposes some possible reasons that may already be familiar to you. After reviewing this situation for over 30 years, the author determines that there is no single answer to the problems of co-parenting. So, the book begins the journey of sharing cooperative strategies and a co-parenting plan, both designed to promote cooperation between parents, as well as, address and resolve those child-related issues that usually cause problems. Her theme is “Stop the war! Fighting is NEVER an option!“

The most practical portion is contained in Chapter Two, which gives a list of 24 Cooperative Strategies for Parents. A few of these are: (1) consult and confer with the other parent in a positive and non-confrontational manner; (2) admit when you are wrong; (3) realize that flexibility means reasonableness and not weakness. The author actually walks you through implementing each of the 24 strategies and explains to you why they are important to the well being of your child.

Because I am a firm believer that no parent should point the finger without taking an introspective look at oneself, I am tickled that this guide calls for self-evaluation. I am sure you will have big fun answering the questions set forth like: “Why should you admit to your mistakes when it relates to the care of the child?” The 30 questions force you to judge and determine whether you are an antagonist or protagonist in the parenting battle. Seeing you is sometimes difficult, yet very essential to the process of peace.

If parents want to modify their attitudes about each other and their attitudes toward better co-parenting and communication, this book is an excellent resource. There is so much more useful information that I simply encourage you to seek and find in the 356 pages. I will tell you that the back cover of the book contains a CD with treasured information that you do not want to continue without.

This book is available on Amazon.com or for purchase directly from Dr. Kerman. Dr. Kerman is also a co-founder of the Institute for Co-Parenting Resolution and author of Should You Really Seek Custody of Your Child?, Do you Really Want to be a Stepparent? and Sally Rose-A Teenage Casualty of a Custody Battle.

Battling Over Bitty Briefs…Ah, Co-Parenting

I remember the bad old days of kid-exchanges in friendly locations like the Waffle House parking lot. We’d start off with cordial greetings, but before long, we’d find our way into the downward spiraling discussion of what clothes I had packed. I often felt attacked, because what I had packed either didn’t meet his metro-Dad standards, or I’d forgotten some important item…like drawers.

The feelings I experienced in these situations were no different than the feelings I was having about the entire relationship. I felt like I was carrying more of the responsibility for caring for our child materially than I should have to. I felt unappreciated given that I was the one providing the clothes, caring for our child most of the time and then being expected to remember every little thing. I felt burdened by his apparent dependence on me. I felt pissed, because I rarely got all the gear back. And, I felt powerless to make him do anything differently including stopping by WalMart to buy a $10 shorts set or pack of socks. So, yes, we would argue about bitty briefs right there in the Waffle House parking lot.

Despite hating this frustrating and petty drama, still, for a long time, I would continue to pack the clothes and then complain about it to him and anyone else who would listen. And, subversively, I admit, I would purposely neglect to pack the tighty whities– which inevitably would lead to the very Waffle House incidents I claimed I wanted to avoid.

Then, after a good bit of self-reflection, I realized something mind-shattering and central to the changes I started to make in my response to this problem: My son’s father absolutely loooooves our son, and he will not allow our child to go hungry, naked or homeless. Somehow, he will make a way.

And, with that, I began the process of firing myself his self-appointed manager and started creating some boundaries around what I would be responsible for and what I wouldn’t.

Over time, I stopped sending clothes. When he would argue, I would calmly explain (while focusing on keeping my smile genuine and not taunting): “I can’t run my household smoothly without clothes. So, to make sure that I’m able to take good care of our child while he’s with me, I’m going to need to keep the clothing I’ve purchased here. And, I know you’re a great father and that you’ll make sure he’s taken care of at your house, too. It will make it easier for him knowing that he has the clothes he needs and likes at both places, and neither of us will have to worry about where things are.”

That was it.

At first he was pissed. I imagine it seemed that I was making some sort of power play. But, I remained consistent and soon after, our son had a brand new wardrobe courtesy of Daddy. Every once in a while, he would still ask me to send something over, and I did. It wasn’t always smooth, mostly because I would accuse him of holding a soccer uniform hostage only to find out that it was actually still in my hamper…but I’ll let him write that post.

Eventually, after some practicing, we’ve come to a point where the only clothes either of us sends to the other’s house are the ones on our child’s back. We have agreed upon a budget for this Fall/Winter clothing and plan to make that trip together taking great care to send an equal number of little boy briefs to each home. I can only imagine how our son suffered in those Waffle House parking lots (He now prefers to eat at IHOP) and what a difference our willingness to fight for a win-win-win solution has made in his life. It has certainly improved mine.

I want to tell you that there’s no guarantee that your child’s parent will grow into the parenting partner you want if you just focus on what you can do and make peace with what and whom you can’t control . But, I also want to tell you that it is so possible. I have experienced it in my own life, and I have witnessed transformation in relationships significantly more shattered than my own.

For me, the key was getting myself out of feeling victimized and stepping into my power where I could make choices and establish boundaries that left me standing without tearing down my son’s father. In that place, I find peace, even when we have conflict. That peace allows me to be a better partner, which invites him to do the same. And, most of the time, he accepts.

New Forum Discussion: Bringing Another Person into your Child’s Life?

Visit WeParent Connect to answer this question:  Just wondering what you all think about timing in regards to introducing a boyfriend/girlfriend to your child’s life? And should the other parent meet the bf/gf before your child does?

Co-Parenting Conflict is a Chronic Condition

When I first started on this WeParent journey, long before the site ever launched, I thought that effective co-parenting meant that there was never any drama, that through hard work, self-development, lots of prayer and meditation, you could transcend all that. I guess it was my version of the two-household white picket-fence fantasy.

And, so, I embarked on a long, enlightening quest for my best self, the one who would be the uber-parenting partner; the co-parenting supershero who could rise above the petty and not so petty to emerge ever peaceful, understanding and yet powerful. All the helplessness, victiminess, frustration, anger and resignation would all be behind me. I was taking this mission seriously.

And, I was setting myself up for failure and a whole lot of tears, because every time something came up that thwarted my pretty picture of co-parenting bliss, I found myself in the exact place I was trying to escape in the first place. My desire to transcend conflict, i.e., never experience it just wasn’t realistic.

Thus began the new quest to just minimize it, contain it, manage it and get over it as quickly as possible for the sake of my child and my own well being. Thank goodness, because just a couple weeks ago, my newfound super powers were tested.

My son’s father and I have come a long way in our partnership. Just how far was clear to me at our most recent planning meeting to finalize our son’s schedule for the year. It was a great meeting! I felt fully immersed in the very vision I had crafted of what a perfect meeting would feel like. We were making decisions together. We were discussing rather than arguing when we disagreed. He was actually looking at a calendar and using the online tool I’d been begging him to use for years. We were both on the same page, fully committed. It was all good. We had overcome!

But, just a week later, he called, frustrated and suggesting that we consider changing the schedule. The one he was proposing would involve more switches for our son and less extended parenting time for each of us. As soon as he even broached the subject of changing a schedule we just pinky-swore on and communicated to our son days earlier, a visceral response overtook my body. Seriously. I wanted to cry. Every story I had told myself about him being uncommitted to this process and being undependable and being immature…all those stories came back from the archives where I had put them to rest in exchange for stories about his being a loving father, an engaged parent and a steady partner. And, I wanted to fight. I wanted to prove my point, to make him see how wrong he was, what a bad parent he was. All of that was in me. And, in the tension we created in those few minutes, it was clearly there for him, too.

But, we have come too far to go all the way back there. It has taken too much. We both prefer the partner that we’ve found to the more-difficult-to-deal with caricatures we were parenting with before.

So, we acknowledged that we should resume the conversation later. And, during that brief time of retreat to our own corners, we each got to choose who we were going to be in this relationship. We chose partners. That meant that instead of dismissing his proposal, I committed to staying open to revisiting the schedule and not making him wrong for having an opinion different than my own. And, for him, it meant standing by the decision we made together long enough to effectively assess how it was working, not just for himself, but most important, for our son.

Based upon the last several check-ins, everyone is really happy with the schedule. But that isn’t the point. The moral of this story is that as we allow the conflict in our co-parenting relationships to guide us in growing ourselves, we may find that the conflict lessens. But, it doesn’t go away. It really is a chronic condition. If you chose to walk this journey, that’s part of the deal.

So, our mission is to get better at managing it and to deny it permission to run our families and our lives. In every moment of every conflict, each of us has a choice about who we will be, how we will respond and what really matters to us.

Being right about the schedule didn’t matter as much as knowing that my son’s father and I could have a conversation that would result in the best outcome for our child.

So, your turn…When have you found yourself in conflict with your child’s other parent and what choice did you make?

Back to School Checklist for the Single Parent

Yes, it is time to get our kids back on a school schedule. This article is a reminder for some, and a very important checklist for the new single parent. I have gathered a lot of suggestions from our SingleDad.com members who wanted to share their tips for getting prepared for the school year.

Clothes Inventory

Keeping an inventory of clothes between divorced parent’s households has its own unique challenges. Depending on the relationship status, it is perfectly normal to label your child’s clothes for the sake of inventory exchange. I would strongly recommend disclosing your reason for marking the clothes. Your goal is to make every effort to keep an open dialog. Offering a bi-weekly clothes exchange will help keep both household’s clothes inventory balanced and communication between all parties peaceful. Make sure your markings are distinct to you, but not embarrassing to your child.

Clothes Shopping

Depending on where you live and the late summer/early fall weather, it is smart to wait to buy school clothes after the school year starts. Most department stores and clothes retailers will offer additional discounts on school clothes after the school year has started. If you don’t mind a smaller selection of styles and sizes, waiting can pay off big with your wallet. In addition, keeping an eye on some of the discount stores such as Ross, Marshalls and TJ Max can also save you money. If you don’t mind sorting through the selection, I have found these stores can offer some huge savings on quality clothes at less than half the department store price. Another concept that has been gaining popularity is called a clothes exchange. These are organized events that your local church or a community group will sponsor. It is like a clothes-only garage sale. Most of the time no money is required, you just bring your kid’s clothes to offer in exchange. Finally, the thrift store has become the new “cool” place to exchange clothes. Check your local thrift stores to see if they will offer you exchange credits for clothes that you bring in that you can use to pay for new clothes from the shop.

Your Child’s  Sleep Schedule

The best advice our members can offer on this subject is to start early. You do not want to attempt to get your kids started on a proper sleep schedule the night before school starts. There is nothing worse than hearing about the whining, complaining and lack of attention that will happen at school from the lack of sleep. Furthermore, it is embarrassing to attending your first parent/teacher meeting and having the entire discussion about your child’s well being. Sleep is as important as food and water. If you are newly divorced, make sure you and your ex set a time for your child’s bedtime. It is recommended that your child gets 8 to 10 hours of sleep a night.

Emergency Contact and Health Insurance Information

For a variety of reasons, some single parents do not have the participation of the other parent in child’s daily school life. This is where it is especially important to have your emergency contact available and shared with another family member, friend, or relative. I have a “Gal Pals / Guy Pals” in place which are other friends of mine that I can rely on as back up for any emergency related to my children and school activities. Make sure your emergency contact has a copy of your health insurance information, family doctor’s name and phone number. Another important tip is to save this information on your cell phone but make sure this information is typed in backwards so the information will be harder to understand by anyone else but you if you ever lose the phone.

At the beginning of every school year, your child’s school will ask for all of your personal information and it is perfectly normal and important to disclose on the information packet that you are a single parent and if you are sharing custody or have sole custody. Make sure your school knows your status and how they can contact you. Don’t make assumptions; make sure your child’s teacher has your contact information as well. It is also perfectly normal to request a teacher’s contact information like an email address. This information gives you the opportunity to send an e-mail with all of your contact information directly to your teacher and gives both parties a direct method of communication. This is especially important if you are co-parenting. Staying up-to-date on homework and school activities through e-mail avoids any miscommunication between parties.

I hope these suggestions were helpful and that your Back to School routines will go as smoothly as possible. For more information on Single Parent advice and resources, go to www.singledad.com.

3 Words of Advice on Parenting from the “Other” House: Just do it!

I am the product of what was once described as a broken home, not an accurate label since something has to be whole before it can be broken.  My parents were never married; and for the first 9 years of my life, I had few if any thoughts of who or where my father was.  I remember a few questions which popped up when I compared the lives of my classmates to my own, but these questions were usually brushed off by my mother, and in truth, I wasn’t that interested in the answers.  And, when my father did make an appearance, it was more about seeing his old flame than his not-so-new son.

As I grew and became more observant and aware of my life and my mother’s past, I began to feel the void of not having this figure in my life.  Or, more accurately, I had this shadow figure in my life–the hint of a presence but nothing I could put my hands on.  In the interest of making this long story short, let’s just say that from the events and feelings I had about my upbringing and childhood, I made a commitment in my early teens that no child of mine would have to repeat my experience. There would be no absentee dad, occasional visits and less frequent presents.  I would be there to be the best parent that I could.  So, when my high school sweetheart and long-time girlfriend and I became pregnant, despite some flutters of doubt, getting married was not much of a question. I’d made my commitment in the midst of all those raging hormones and teen angst. What else could I do?

Twenty years and a few marriage counseling sessions later, we were divorced. The picture that I had dreaded and worked so hard not to have was realized in full color. My daughter and son were in one house, and I lived in another.

I made an effort to see them as often as time would allow. There was no schedule or regular pattern to be followed. I would drop by during the week after work, pick up my son, who was nine at the time, every weekend, take my daughter to the movies, and play chauffer on her dates.  I called and tried to be as strong a presence in their lives as I was when we all lived in the same house.  But as I’m sure many of you in my situation have discovered, that is an illusion as elusive as an oasis in the desert; in sight but out of reach.  And, while my ex and I weren’t involved in a battle royale of who’s the better parent, using the kids as chips or pawns, we were clearly not on the same page on several issues.

One of my biggest frustrations was the sharing of information, or lack thereof. As the custodial parent, my ex recieved all the conference notifications, permission slips, party invites, etc.  This hit me more than you might imagine, because prior to this I proudly bore the title of ‘Snack Dad’.  Every month, when the kids had to provide snacks to the class, I was the one spreading peanut butter on the rice cakes, making sure that everyone got seconds, making sure that the celery was well cleaned and that the various fillings, cheese, dressing and the old standby, peanut butter, fit neatly and looked appealing.  I was a hands-on dad being pushed, exiled and condemned to the sidelines.  And, I couldn’t seem to get her to understand how I wanted to be given a copy of everything!  It was the least she could do to allow me to still feel like a parent.  Despite my awareness of my feelings and real efforts to be the father I envisioned, I would feel the pain of competition for my kids’ affection or worse their acknowledgement of my existence and relevance to their lives.

But, as I learned to work through my feelings and continued to strive for some sort of balance, I achieved what I was looking for by just doing it… In a moment of clarity I finally realized that you can’t just want to be a parent–you have to actually do it! You are and never stop being a parent. It’s up to you to define what that looks like.  I didn’t just pick up my son on weekends because I could or should, but because I wanted to. And, when we were together, it was like we were home in that place of the past; we played, talked, ate and cried.  When I brought my daughter to a date or appointment, we spoke and discussed the same things we did in her bedroom or in our old living room.

Being out of the house is not the same as being in the house. But in, out or wherever, we are all still parents, for better or worse, and our kids reap the benefits or carry the burden of our actions. So, just do it!

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