3 Words of Advice on Parenting from the “Other” House: Just do it!
September 5, 2009 by TK Pierce
I am the product of what was once described as a broken home, not an accurate label since something has to be whole before it can be broken. My parents were never married; and for the first 9 years of my life, I had few if any thoughts of who or where my father was. I remember a few questions which popped up when I compared the lives of my classmates to my own, but these questions were usually brushed off by my mother, and in truth, I wasn’t that interested in the answers. And, when my father did make an appearance, it was more about seeing his old flame than his not-so-new son.
As I grew and became more observant and aware of my life and my mother’s past, I began to feel the void of not having this figure in my life. Or, more accurately, I had this shadow figure in my life–the hint of a presence but nothing I could put my hands on. In the interest of making this long story short, let’s just say that from the events and feelings I had about my upbringing and childhood, I made a commitment in my early teens that no child of mine would have to repeat my experience. There would be no absentee dad, occasional visits and less frequent presents. I would be there to be the best parent that I could. So, when my high school sweetheart and long-time girlfriend and I became pregnant, despite some flutters of doubt, getting married was not much of a question. I’d made my commitment in the midst of all those raging hormones and teen angst. What else could I do?
Twenty years and a few marriage counseling sessions later, we were divorced. The picture that I had dreaded and worked so hard not to have was realized in full color. My daughter and son were in one house, and I lived in another.
I made an effort to see them as often as time would allow. There was no schedule or regular pattern to be followed. I would drop by during the week after work, pick up my son, who was nine at the time, every weekend, take my daughter to the movies, and play chauffer on her dates. I called and tried to be as strong a presence in their lives as I was when we all lived in the same house. But as I’m sure many of you in my situation have discovered, that is an illusion as elusive as an oasis in the desert; in sight but out of reach. And, while my ex and I weren’t involved in a battle royale of who’s the better parent, using the kids as chips or pawns, we were clearly not on the same page on several issues.
One of my biggest frustrations was the sharing of information, or lack thereof. As the custodial parent, my ex recieved all the conference notifications, permission slips, party invites, etc. This hit me more than you might imagine, because prior to this I proudly bore the title of ‘Snack Dad’. Every month, when the kids had to provide snacks to the class, I was the one spreading peanut butter on the rice cakes, making sure that everyone got seconds, making sure that the celery was well cleaned and that the various fillings, cheese, dressing and the old standby, peanut butter, fit neatly and looked appealing. I was a hands-on dad being pushed, exiled and condemned to the sidelines. And, I couldn’t seem to get her to understand how I wanted to be given a copy of everything! It was the least she could do to allow me to still feel like a parent. Despite my awareness of my feelings and real efforts to be the father I envisioned, I would feel the pain of competition for my kids’ affection or worse their acknowledgement of my existence and relevance to their lives.
But, as I learned to work through my feelings and continued to strive for some sort of balance, I achieved what I was looking for by just doing it… In a moment of clarity I finally realized that you can’t just want to be a parent–you have to actually do it! You are and never stop being a parent. It’s up to you to define what that looks like. I didn’t just pick up my son on weekends because I could or should, but because I wanted to. And, when we were together, it was like we were home in that place of the past; we played, talked, ate and cried. When I brought my daughter to a date or appointment, we spoke and discussed the same things we did in her bedroom or in our old living room.
Being out of the house is not the same as being in the house. But in, out or wherever, we are all still parents, for better or worse, and our kids reap the benefits or carry the burden of our actions. So, just do it!
Fatherhood Freestyle: Mamas, Are You Getting in the Way?
Fatherhood Freestyle: Not Your Average Baby Daddy, Part I
Fatherhood Freestyle: My Story….Not My Father’s
Talibah Mbonisi on Sat, 5th Sep 2009 8:47 pm
Great piece! My frustration used to be that my son’s father didn’t seem to take much interest in all the “snack dad” stuff. I felt like it was all on me. Things have changed, though, and it’s refreshing to have him be more involved that way. I don’t know if he’ll ever stuff celery, but it does make a difference for our son to have him on party-planning committees and signing field trip permission slips!
Maribel Dorsey on Sun, 6th Sep 2009 5:26 am
I really enjoyed reading your article. It is so refreshing to read how some men really want to be a part of their children’s lives after a divorce. Unfortunatley, not all men feel the same way. When they divorce their wives, they divorce their children as well. I wish that more fathers would become more involved with their children and we wouldn’t have the statistics we have today with teen pregnancy, crime, drugs, abuse and neglect.
Alisha Williams on Mon, 7th Sep 2009 10:34 am
Great article! I had a range of emotions and feelings as I read this…sadness, frustration, realization, optimism, enlighten and finally joy. You really hit home for so many of with this article, and I commend you for writing it. I’m sure your daughter and son are much better individuals for you being the DAD that you are and more importantly for your “Just Do It” mentality.
Carolyn on Thu, 10th Sep 2009 6:53 pm
Love this article. I really felt a congruency to my own father here. I know he would have wanted to feel more involved. I’m sure he was frustrated that he wasn’t. But he never did anything about it! I’ve always related it this way – he was a good dad when it was easy to be, but when there were challenges to overcome (distance, visitation schedules, tension, etc of course nothing that really had to do directly with ME as his kid) he faded into the background.
I hope lots of divorced fathers read this post and think of taking action instead of simply being frustrated by their situation.
Alyssa on Fri, 11th Sep 2009 7:51 pm
Hello. My name is Alyssa. I’m 16 and a senior in high school. I’ve been through a lot of divorces (my family not me). For the kids, believe me it is super hard. But I feel like if the parents are both on the same page.
Here’s a link to a really great article on how to stay on the same page as the other parent. http://www.radicalparenting.com/2009/08/13/6-essential-compromises-for-divorced-parents/
I hope you check it out, I think it could really help make it easier on the kids, and easier on you. There would be a lot less confusion.
-Alyssa
RW on Fri, 18th Sep 2009 9:32 am
TK, your piece has helped me put some things in perspective as I struggle to find (actually take a hold of) my place in my son’s life. 500+ miles separates me from my son and I struggle with many issues, but the sharing of information piece is at the top of my list. I get the feeling I can’t just sit back and expect it to come to me!
Thanks bruh!
rw
TK on Fri, 18th Sep 2009 2:09 pm
Thanks for feedback, it helps to know that my message is being received and my experiences are helpful to some of you. To RW, a couple of suggestions; if at all possible get on the email list for you son’s school or organizations he’s a part of (sports or other clubs), then you can be in the loop without having to rely on anyone else. It’s a small step that can go a long way. Also make plans to attend some of the events in your sons’ life; games, awards, meetings. I know it won’t be easy, but the distance is a part of the relationship with your son, it doesn’t define it.
Orlinda on Mon, 23rd Nov 2009 12:59 pm
Great article. I have watched my husband make every effort to be present and involved in his kids’ school and after-school activities. His efforts are often thwarted by his kids’ mother, who will hide information and school hand-outs from him. She will pick and choose which things to share information with him about and when she’s having a bad day she will send nasty e-mails to him accusing him of being a bad dad for not attending something that she hid information from him about.
He has done what you suggest – get on the e-mail list for the school and after-school activities groups. Also, make sure the school has contact information for BOTH parents, and communicate with the teachers. You can respectfully let the teachers know that you often don’t get information from the other house (without sharing any details with them) and ask that they send an extra copy of information to you directly. It may seem like an inconvenience to the teachers, but usually they are happy to know that both homes want to be fully involved.
Talibah Mbonisi on Mon, 23rd Nov 2009 2:09 pm
Orlinda: Thanks for sharing! It is wonderful to hear about the proactive steps parents can take despite the barriers that sometimes serve as excuses. And, my experience has been similar in that our son’s school, piano teacher, coach have all been *very* willing and even proactive themselves in supporting our efforts to both be fully engaged in our child’s life.