Battling Over Bitty Briefs…Ah, Co-Parenting
September 22, 2009 by Talibah Mbonisi
I remember the bad old days of kid-exchanges in friendly locations like the Waffle House parking lot. We’d start off with cordial greetings, but before long, we’d find our way into the downward spiraling discussion of what clothes I had packed. I often felt attacked, because what I had packed either didn’t meet his metro-Dad standards, or I’d forgotten some important item…like drawers.
The feelings I experienced in these situations were no different than the feelings I was having about the entire relationship. I felt like I was carrying more of the responsibility for caring for our child materially than I should have to. I felt unappreciated given that I was the one providing the clothes, caring for our child most of the time and then being expected to remember every little thing. I felt burdened by his apparent dependence on me. I felt pissed, because I rarely got all the gear back. And, I felt powerless to make him do anything differently including stopping by WalMart to buy a $10 shorts set or pack of socks. So, yes, we would argue about bitty briefs right there in the Waffle House parking lot.
Despite hating this frustrating and petty drama, still, for a long time, I would continue to pack the clothes and then complain about it to him and anyone else who would listen. And, subversively, I admit, I would purposely neglect to pack the tighty whities– which inevitably would lead to the very Waffle House incidents I claimed I wanted to avoid.
Then, after a good bit of self-reflection, I realized something mind-shattering and central to the changes I started to make in my response to this problem: My son’s father absolutely loooooves our son, and he will not allow our child to go hungry, naked or homeless. Somehow, he will make a way.
And, with that, I began the process of firing myself his self-appointed manager and started creating some boundaries around what I would be responsible for and what I wouldn’t.
Over time, I stopped sending clothes. When he would argue, I would calmly explain (while focusing on keeping my smile genuine and not taunting): “I can’t run my household smoothly without clothes. So, to make sure that I’m able to take good care of our child while he’s with me, I’m going to need to keep the clothing I’ve purchased here. And, I know you’re a great father and that you’ll make sure he’s taken care of at your house, too. It will make it easier for him knowing that he has the clothes he needs and likes at both places, and neither of us will have to worry about where things are.”
That was it.
At first he was pissed. I imagine it seemed that I was making some sort of power play. But, I remained consistent and soon after, our son had a brand new wardrobe courtesy of Daddy. Every once in a while, he would still ask me to send something over, and I did. It wasn’t always smooth, mostly because I would accuse him of holding a soccer uniform hostage only to find out that it was actually still in my hamper…but I’ll let him write that post.
Eventually, after some practicing, we’ve come to a point where the only clothes either of us sends to the other’s house are the ones on our child’s back. We have agreed upon a budget for this Fall/Winter clothing and plan to make that trip together taking great care to send an equal number of little boy briefs to each home. I can only imagine how our son suffered in those Waffle House parking lots (He now prefers to eat at IHOP) and what a difference our willingness to fight for a win-win-win solution has made in his life. It has certainly improved mine.
I want to tell you that there’s no guarantee that your child’s parent will grow into the parenting partner you want if you just focus on what you can do and make peace with what and whom you can’t control . But, I also want to tell you that it is so possible. I have experienced it in my own life, and I have witnessed transformation in relationships significantly more shattered than my own.
For me, the key was getting myself out of feeling victimized and stepping into my power where I could make choices and establish boundaries that left me standing without tearing down my son’s father. In that place, I find peace, even when we have conflict. That peace allows me to be a better partner, which invites him to do the same. And, most of the time, he accepts.
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MamaSpeak: Is Co-Parenting Really Worth All the Effort?
Kathianne Williams on Tue, 22nd Sep 2009 7:00 pm
Great post Talibah. Sometimes we have to distance ourselves a bit from any conflict so we can hear the “mind-shattering” central issue.
Pam on Wed, 23rd Sep 2009 6:40 am
My children’s dad and I used to prefer Waffle House for our “knock-out, drag-out, me in my pajamas (outside of his car), pleading for child support payments promised” arguments!! We traded that fun in for what was in the best interest of all four of our kids… PEACE! It came from humility and to many, many friends and family, came at a surprise… but I’m so glad it came!
Talibah Mbonisi on Wed, 23rd Sep 2009 6:49 am
@Pam Thanks so much for adding your voice to the discussion. I’m surprised we didn’t bump into each other. LOL! It is so wonderful that you and your children’s father have been able to turn things around. There are those times, days, years, forevers when it seems like things will always be the way they are, but our Waffle House redemption stories prove that things really can be different. Thanks for sharing!
Talibah Mbonisi on Wed, 23rd Sep 2009 6:50 am
@Kathianne…Thanks for commenting! And, yes, distance and a little quiet is sometimes all we need to get the ball moving in a different direction.
Lisa Maria Carroll on Sat, 26th Sep 2009 11:40 am
The Waffle House parking lot? I commend you on that one. I have friends who exchange their children in parking lots and between third parties. I just would have had to be held in contempt, because I wouldn’t have gone for it.
Now as for the clothes, I feel you on that one. I never had that problem with my ex. But, I did have it when my kids spent the night with friends. Their clothes would mysteriously disappear, only to be seen on the backs of their friends later, after I’d asked the moms if they’d seen the items.
Donna on Sun, 21st Mar 2010 10:47 pm
? Does your co-parent pay child support? and then still have to buy clothes, too?
Talibah Mbonisi on Thu, 25th Mar 2010 8:13 am
@ Donna: No. We did not have a child support order opting instead to keep our family completely out of court and work things through ourselves. At the time I covered most of our son’s expenses. Today, because we split time equally, we don’t do child support but rather split expenses evenly in most cases. We meet on a regular basis to discuss upcoming expenses and then we either split them evenly or work out a plan for paying them based upon what each of us is able to do at that time. We have come a long way.
Donna on Thu, 25th Mar 2010 11:39 am
Thanks so much. At this time son is still having to pay child support but ex also asks him to buy lots of extras plus he chooses to buy clothes to keep at his house. (I guess he could just choose not to buy any). He was buying them anyway but he never got them back if he sent her home in them. He was buying them in the first place because she always sent her to him in ones that were dirty or not fit to wear. (well, not always; it wasn’t always this way; in fact, one of the things I liked about her was how clean and neat she used to keep her; I think that was to impress us at the beginning or else something has deteriorated). He knew she had better because her family buys her really nice stuff; I think they just didn’t want her wearing them our way. He actually doesn’t pay the child support to her, rather to the state since she gets a check from them for what was more that what he was paying until they just did their review (that they’re supposed to do every few years) since minimum wage went up so they raised it, making it the same as what she is getting, then they brought him back in (yes, he had arrearages) and raised it again to cover that (which I don’t have a problem with in theory) since he didn’t have any tax money this year they could take for it since he didn’t work any last year (not because he didn’t want to; the work he was doing just never materialized this past year – he was doing construction – a particular type – building pole-type buildings, mainly for farmers, who mainly had been building them with all that easy bank money that dried up and he lives in a very depressed economic area that just basically has no other jobs, others are laid off, too – and yes, I know he could move but he hates to leave his daughter and he thought things would pick up this year but he has begun to realize they may not and also he did make enough when he was working he was able to save enough to live on for a year after the work dried up while he kept thinking it would pick back up.