Five Keys to Effective Co-Parenting
September 3, 2009 by Lisa L. Carter
Co-parenting can be one of the most difficult aspects of divorce or separation. The residual relationship pain and the challenge of parenting across two households leave too many families in the throes of drama. If I gave you a set of keys that would allow you to access peace in your co-parenting relationship, would you use them? Great! Let’s unlock a few doors that may have held you back.
1) Get rid of the term, “my kids”.
Do not use this phrase in disputing with the other parent. Children are not the personal property of either one of you. Regardless of whether you like each other, you must accept that you are co-creators with joint responsibility to guide your children as arrows in your quiver.
2) Don’t discount the other parent as being incapable of making a final decision regarding your child.
Be deeply honest with yourself. Do you fear you will lose power if you let the other parent make a final decision pertaining to “your” child? If the answer is, “yes,” recognize that your fear is leading you into selfish thinking. (Ouch–I know that hurt but take a big gulp and let’s keep learning.) The point is this: Lead your emotions; don’t let them lead you. Allowing the other parent to make a final decision (medical, educational, religious, etc.) does not minimize who you are. At the end of the day, you are still a parent to your child.
Your ability to control your emotions as it pertains to shared parenting has great benefits. First, it does wonders for the parental confidence of the other parent. Second, it gives that parent a personal connection to the child. (If this is another “Ouch” for you, remember Key #1.) It also allows that parent to exercise his or her wisdom as one who does not make decisions for the child on a daily basis. After all, you cannot expect strong and skilled parenting decisions, if you are not willing to allow the other parent to develop. Giving room to sometimes make final decisions is motivation for a parent’s involvement in the child’s life.
Yes! There is something in this for you, too, if you are the primary caretaker–comfort in knowing that in your absence, there is another parent who loves your child and takes seriously the job of making wise decisions.
3. Be accountable in your words and deeds to the other parent and to your child.
Let your “yes” be a “yes”, and your “no” be a “no”. Just do what you say you will do. If you cannot perform your word, then speak up about it. Give the other parent and your child, if age-appropriate, a truthful explanation of your intention and plans to make your word good. Failing to do so destroys your relationship with the other parent.
Even more damaging, it plants seeds in your child that carry wounds into adulthood. Those seeds are doubt and anger. Doubt is really a form of fear–fear that you will lose something or be taken advantage of if you believe another person’s word. So, as a defense mechanism, your child may adapt to doubting what people say in his or her daily life. Your child is then burdened with evaluating every person through the eyes of the “truth” or a “lie.” What a heavy burden to carry all because a parent repeatedly planted seeds of unaccountability.
4. Compliment the other parent for a change.
An important element of co-parenting involves encouraging one another to be a better parent. When one parent has done something well–just say it! It’s not complicated. It won’t kill you! And, the only thing it will cost you is a lot of your pride. After mastering this key, you will begin to see that your pride is really not that valuable considering the results you will reap. Acknowledging a simple thing goes such a long way toward nurturing a healthy relationship between parents. It is as simple as a custodial parent saying: “Thank you for calling the kids today. They love talking to you and it makes my day easier when they are happy.” Or a non-custodial parent saying: “I know every day with our son isn’t easy for you. You are really doing a good job. What can I do this week to help you?”
5. Make a quality decision to give your child every advantage in life.
In order to give your chid every advantage, allow them to benefit from the best that is within you. And, allow them to benefit from the best that is within their other parent. OK. Some of you are thinking, “All the best things are in me!” If that’s you, continue to meditate on and practice keys #1, #2 and #4!
Real Families: Meet My Co-Parent, Part 4
Co-Parenting Myths & Misconceptions
The Golden Rule of Co-Parenting: Keep Kids Out of the Middle
Timothy on Sat, 5th Sep 2009 10:11 am
Lisa,
These are some excellent co-parenting tips. It is truly important to remember that it wasn’t one person who made the child but two. The phrase “our kids” is important. I also like the speaking positively about the other parent. The kids will pick up on this and will help create a loving family even if it is in two different locations.
Arnold on Sat, 5th Sep 2009 9:26 pm
I can agree with what is said in spirit to this article. The five keys are how you treat people. But I want to see something about the context of situations. The five keys are out of sync with situations people face day to day in my opinion. I stress my opinion. We are assuming we are dealing with a mature adult. People break up and cant get past the parents disagreement. For example.
1. unemployed parents either one or both
2. chosen employment. Like Strippers, Drug dealers or Police officers.
3. Drug and Alcohol abuse.
4. Prior physical abuse sexual and otherwise.
5. Youth. Teenage parents.
6. Distance (Like in my situation)
If I take longer i can find more. Circumstances make things more difficult. But it is also asking people to be more mature first and set asise selfserving motives. Focus on raising your kids. We are assuming people want to do the right thing. You are asking people to change. I dont see that in the world we live in today. Some of my friends feel helpless in regards to thier children. Because they cannot get past the disagreements that caused the break up. The five keys become null and void then, regardless of fault.
Terrence on Mon, 7th Sep 2009 12:36 pm
In regards to the comments left by Arnold; I agree that some situations are beyond your control, but the message of the article is still valid. Being successful as a parent does not require the full consent and co-operation of the other parent. We all have to do the best with what we’re given, work with what we have and do the best WE can do for OUR kids. I acknowledge that the examples you raise are difficult and seemingly impossible to overcome. You can’t control the actions of others but you can continue to do the next ‘right’ thing.
TaRita on Tue, 8th Sep 2009 6:55 am
These are some interesting keys to co-parenting, and will probably work assuming that both parents get along with each other, but like Arnold stated you are assuming that we are dealing with “mature” adults. Although you can definitely be a successful parent w/out the cooperation of the other parent, I must disagree with Terrence and say that in order to effectively co-parent, there must definitely be cooperation from both parents. You can do all of these “positive” keys all day, but if you don’t have positive feedback, then these things cannot and will not work. I would like to see some keys that will work when the parents do not communicate well; when the father doesn’t send clothes back from the weekend visit; when the father doesn’t call when he’s going to be late picking up/bringing our daughter back; when it’s hard to get through to the other parent that it’s not about us anymore . . . only about our daughter! There’s only so much you can do when the other parent refuses to act mature. Be forever mindful that this is a 50yr old man that I’m referring to===not a 20 something child who may not know better??? Let’s have some tips for that–
Lisa L. Carter on Tue, 8th Sep 2009 11:38 am
Interesting feedback. My perspective is only a small part of the solution. Let us hear your solutions to the different circumstances you face. Please keep it coming.
chanda white on Fri, 11th Sep 2009 10:08 pm
The keys work regardless if the other person is being mature, civil, or acting “right”. You hold the keys and your behavior toward insensitive actions such as not sending clothes home, will determine if co-parenting becomes even more ineffective.
One thing I would like to reiterate- never say a negative about the other parent. Why? Because that “unfit, negative, hateful, spiteful,dumd, lazy, good for nothing” parent makes us half the genetics of the child(ren) involved. Furthermore, name calling is childish, and provides no healthy contribution to the parenting process.
Bottom line is that the only actions one controls is his/her own actions and reactions to another person.
good work.
Veronica Knox on Sat, 12th Sep 2009 11:17 am
The Five keys… are excellent rules to follow, but some of them are difficult when my ex was virtually an absentee farther three years prior to my divorce during our separation. I realize that this is not about me or my ex. It’s about our child and her emotional well being. So, I just do the right thing. I know right from wrong. I want my child to have the best possible relationship with her farther. So I put all else aside. I don’t want to be responsible for adding drama to my child’s life. Life is hard enough!
Veronica Knox
Kela on Sat, 26th Sep 2009 1:54 pm
Great points, Lisa! I think often times custodial parents believe that they have the market cornered on making ALL of the final decisions for the child and that no one can do it better than we can. Personally, as a custodial parent, I welcome the input and help from my son’s father in making decisions for our son. It makes me feel better to know that he is involved because I know that our son will greatly benefit from ALL (we are both remarried now) of his parents taking an active role in his life. My problem is that I can’t get my son’s father to be as actively involved as I would like him to be. It literally baffles me to hear and witness other women, who are custodial parents, admit and even prevent the other parent from being actively involved in their child’s life. I still can’t figure out why one wouldn’t want that. It has to be for selfish reasons and when co-parenting, there’s no room to be selfish.
Again, great article!
*Kela*