Fatherhood Freestyle: Mamas, Are You Getting in the Way?
September 30, 2009 by Whitney Traylor
About two weeks ago, it was close to midnight and I was getting some food on my way home from the office. Because it was late, I was the only customer and while I waited a young man with a bandana over his face, busted in and robbed the spot. The young robber pressed the gun to my head and demanded that I “get down!” I continue to be shaped by that evening.
After that incident, a good friend suggested I spend some time with my daughter and really just love on her. My daughter had no idea what happened to me and I will not tell her until she is much older. No need to give her unnecessary anxiety. However, my friend encouraged me to really connect with my daughter, because although she had no idea what happened, she almost lost her Daddy.
So, I took the advice and that Friday, after my daughter’s half-day, I picked her up and told her, “Today is all about you Babe. Whatever you want to do, we’re gonna do.” And, we did. We spent a day filled with dad-n-daughter activities that eventually left us exhausted and ready to relax in front of the TV show of her choosing. There we were relaxing and watching T.V., when the doorbell rang.
After not having seen him for eight years, I was shocked to see my father standing at my doorstep. And, after having the gun at my head just a week earlier, this surprise visit added to my surreal experience and caused me to ask, “What is the Universe telling me?” I was not only surprised by this unexpected visit…I was confused.
I let him in. We talked. He met his granddaughter. He had met her when she was three, but she didn’t remember and I don’t think his memory was much better. Nonetheless, he stayed with us for a few days and then took the two-day journey back home.
It was in those three or four days that my Dad and I reconnected, While we did not dwell on the past or his extended absences in my life, we did touch on the topic. And, I learned some things about his perspective that I certainly did not know. While I may have disagreed with many of the decisions my father made while we were growing up, it turns out that he may have made a real effort to be a presence in our lives, and that perspective had never been shared with us. He explained the difficulties he encountered with my mother as he tried to have a presence in our lives. He told me of the times he would drive to our school and watch from outside the fence as my brother and I played at recess. He told me how he would “cry like a baby” while he watched us from a distance. I never knew this, and learning about it at age 38 gave me a new appreciation of my father. I am not taking a position on whether he should have or could have done more to be present in our lives, but I now know he did try and had the desire. I am also not taking a position on how difficult or easy my mother made it for my dad to have a place in our lives.
I simply learned an important lesson from listening to my Dad’s saga. This is a message for my sisters out there. I know you may be hurt. I know separation is hard. I know you may have been wronged by the father of your children. However, you still have a lot of influence over whether your child’s father is present or absent in that child’s life. I am by no means excusing any lack of self-responsibility; but, I have seen too many men making sincere attempts to have a place in their child’s life only to be thwarted by an embittered and hurt mother. I want to encourage you to get through your pain so that you can create a situation in which the father can stay present in the child’s life.
I have not reached a conclusion, but I wonder if my mother prevented my father from having more of a presence in my life. My father’s absence was a significant experience for me and one I spent a lot of time reflecting upon and absolutely ensuring would not be repeated. If your child can avoid the questions he or she may have because of an absent father, so much pain and confusion will be avoided. For your child’s sake, create an environment that allows the father to be involved with the child.
Jerry Maguire may have said it best, “Help me help you!” Help the father, help the child!
Fatherhood Freestyle: Honoring Mothers
Fatherhood Freestyle: My Story….Not My Father’s
Fatherhood Freestyle: Not Your Average Baby Daddy, Part I
Sidney Gaskins on Wed, 30th Sep 2009 4:05 pm
Whitney,
In 2004, I had a hard conversation with my father and shared with him my responsibilityin our relationship. He in turn, shared with me how he was feeling and had felt at the time he left our family. My parents divorced when I was 6, but he left when I was two. He was absolutely missed. However, it was not my mother who kept him from us. It was his own demons, for lack of a better word.
Having a mother who was able to seperate her biases from our need to have a him around was priceless. Never did she speak bad about him, in front of me or my siblings. She shared with me, as ateenager, that it is up to me to figure out who he is to me. Now that I am into my 30′s, I understand that.
My father died in 2007, but not without me sharing the love I have for him. The pride I have in him being vulnerable enough to admit his faults, goes beyond words. And it is all because my mother did not foster disdain, ill regard, or hate for him. But kept her feelings to herself. In my opinion that is what it takes, removing your needs to see the best interest of your child.
Lisa Maria Carroll on Wed, 30th Sep 2009 5:40 pm
Whitney, first let me say that I’m glad that you survived having a gun pressed against your head, and was able to spend time with your daughter again.
I agree with you 100% that mothers should put their personal differences aside when it comes to their children spending time with their father. But I’ve seen both sides, trifling deadbeats who don’t show up, and women who punish themselves in an effort to punish the fathers by not allowing them to see their children.
I pray that you and your father can forge a respectful, even loving, relationship. It’s never too late.
Shawn on Wed, 30th Sep 2009 5:42 pm
Mothers to a point are very much getting in the way. I have a 13 year old son whom I love very very much but because I am gay and was married in the Mormon Temple. my ex wife hates me. Oh she knew that I was gay BEFORE we got married and had our son but she though she could change me…….lol
My custody battle has been a total nightmare. after a 40 months in prison and suffering 2 heart attacks she has finally won and has moved with our son to AZ and I am here in Las Vegas, It tears me apart to get the email from my son that I do but I know that its all from her. There is nothing that I can do about the Las Vegas Family Courts are Corrupt with a “C”. I have started a non-profit to help people that are involved in the Family Courts but no one in Las Vegas cares enough to help. at least no one with money. I have 5 other states that want my help. PA and PAS is a horrible horrible crime that is being perpetrated against our children by the Family Court System and the Custodial Parents.
If you would like more information please contact me through my website at http://www.passagegroups.us.
Thank you,
Shawn
alethea j brown on Wed, 30th Sep 2009 8:47 pm
Grateful.
So eloquently written.
And if I had to write to mothers to explain my new perception as a single mom, I would start by saying it just as you have in this well written article.
Alethea J Brown
Heather Steele on Sat, 3rd Oct 2009 2:34 pm
I loved Whitney’s share. Thank you.
Something came to mind as I was reading….the women I work with that choose to keep the Father out or anything out for that matter are usually in fear, sometimes terror. When women feel that they need to cling, control and protect themselves their feminine energy gets out of whack. They become the opposite of who they naturally are. Seems like the drama that Talibah teaches about and the space of Love that Whitney is requesting are in opposition of each other when someone has not healed their wounds are are reacting in fear instead of love. Whatever we can all do to clean up our messes, work through our blame and lack of compassion so that we can have Daddys and Mommys together or not loving their children and in their lives regardless of adults who are wounded.
Love to you all.
Heather Steele on Sat, 3rd Oct 2009 2:48 pm
Okay, my last sentence made no sense. What I meant to write is that we stand for each other and take responsibility for whatever we need to do to clean up our messes and get out of blame so that we can be the people we want to be in our kid’s lives.
So that we love our kids, are with our kids, take care of our kids regardless of circumstance.
Perception is a choice and often the only lens we use is victim. Empowering yourself and your mate is the answer. Love and Grow More.
Patty on Mon, 19th Oct 2009 11:23 am
Its a powerful lesson. Its interesting how similarly we parent like the parenting we received. I wonder how that parenting style has impacted your mother and so on and so on.
I also think this is not a single gender issue. Parents both mothers and fathers can stand in the way of good parenting. Lets not forget that those “jilted” fathers still have options to be involved with their children even if they are not supported by the mother and the reverse is true as well. We should all feel empowered as parents to secure a place in our children’s lives.