Tina Fortune on Wed, 23rd Sep 2009 8:30 am 



Well, this Wednesday’s Speak Your Mind! Spoke volumes to me when I saw my name on the tag. LOL! Yes, absolutely, what we call ourselves does matter! My ex has not been involved in our children’s lives since we have been apart now 5 years. Calls for the birthdays went dwindled from 1 child to calling none of them. Holidays pass no calls, child support-nope, no support emotionally or financially. Still, he’s their father. I don’t refer to him as my “baby daddy” because regardless of my choice in using my uterus with the wrong man, he’s still the father of my children. Whether or not he chooses to walk in that role is up to him. As for “step” parents, I prefer the use of a Bonus Parent. A bonus is thought of as adding value/adding good and that’s what bonus parents do. They add value to the family and they choose to become a part of the Blended Family Team. That’s my spoken moment…for the moment!

Heather Steele on Wed, 23rd Sep 2009 9:13 am 



I think you call it what it is. If you are the baby’s Mother you are. If you are the Father you are. Parent, Mother, Father are words that describe the source, origin or cause. We have made the words mean something more depending on what we think a “real parent” should look like. The facts are you have the Mother you have and the Father you have and judging what they should or shouldn’t be won’t change that. A step-parent is a step-parent. It isn’t the names that matter it is the love and the relationship and the safe space that person is holding for the child. It is quite damaging to children if a primary parent has unresolved issues with the other primary parent. It teaches the child that something is “wrong” and that they aren’t good enough for that other parent to show up for. Instead, teach your child this. We all love. It shows up flowing in some, stuck in others. We all heal at our own pace. Your Mother loves you, your Father loves you, your step-parent loves you. We will all show it differently. By teaching that the child is loved and working on your own “stuff” outside of the names and judgements you build the child’s self esteem and world view. No bad action changes who the parent is. Thanks for reading, now go Play with your kid! Heather Steele

Terrence on Thu, 24th Sep 2009 8:22 am 



I agree with Heather, I feel our ‘titles’ should be what they are, mother, father, parent, step parent. They aren’t adjectives to describe the role or behavior of the ex. Despite our best efforts it can be very difficult to sort out and separate our feelings for the person from who they are to our children. In many instances I see kids with completely different perceptions of who their parents ‘are’ compared to who we ‘feel’ they are. We see what we expect to see, and not necessarily what is.

Talibah Mbonisi on Thu, 24th Sep 2009 9:29 am 



This is really interesting discussion. For me, the question comes not in finding language to acknowledge my relationship with my child. There, I agree will all of you. Regardless of the role that either of us plays in our child’s life, there is a fact of biology. But, my relationships don’t end with my child. I do have a relationship with his father, and having language to acknowledge and honor that is important. I consider him family, and “co-parent” is an empowering term for me in that it gives me a possibility to step into. Just like my name was chosen, because of its meaning and the power and possibility that that meaning held, “co-parent” is that term for me when it comes to the lifestyle we have chosen and the commitment we have made to raise our child in partnership, whatever that looks like from one day to the next. While I am a single woman, I really don’t think of myself in terms of being a single parent, i.e., someone who is parenting alone. At the end of the day, it’s true that all the labels don’t mean anything more that what we make them mean. But, since as humans we pretty much make everything mean something, I find that choosing the language that empowers me and speaks to who I say I am and to what I am creating in my life works for me.

Lisa Maria Carroll on Sat, 26th Sep 2009 11:54 am 



What we call ourselves could be our way of making things sound pretty or rosy if we find the “traditional” term derogatory. For example, Talibah, you stated that you don’t refer to yourself as a single parent, but a co-parent. Do you do that to disassociate yourself from the stigma or stereotype of being a single parent? I know that quite often women call themselves fiancee, when they have no ring, proposal or wedding plans. That makes you a girlfriend….maybe. They’ll say I’m his woman, when they’re really the mistress.

I refer to Tina as my partner in business and crime, because when I hear other people refer to someone as just their partner, I’m confused these days. I don’t know if it’s their same-sex lover, roommate, boy/girlfriend. Sometimes I just need some clarification, but wouldn’t dare ask too many questions.

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