Co-Parenting Myths & Misconceptions

This Sunday, we debuted our new talk show, “Co-Parenting Matters” co-hosted by WeParent founder, Talibah Mbonisi; Deesha Philyaw and Mike Thomas, our friends from CoParenting101.org. If you missed the show, which focused on co-parenting myths, you can check it out right here. Whether the myths are held by other people or co-parents themselves, many of them get in the way of partnering effectively. So, check out the show, and in the meantime, here are a just a few of the myths the crew discussed:

· Co-parenting is for White people. Referencing a 2006 article in the Washington Post by Joy Jones, Talibah suggested that many of us have difficulty identifying role models for effective co-parenting. There seems to be a widely held belief that drama is the only or primary option for parents who are no longer together. Of course, this is on our list of myths, because we don’t believe it and are committed to proving that there are other possibilities and to exposing the power of partnering for the sake of our children. But, yeah…she said it.

· If you’re willing to make your co-parenting relationship work “for the sake of your children”, then you should have been able to make your marriage work for the sake of your children. Mike talked about the reality that in his co-parenting relationship, part of what makes getting along possible that the expectations of a romantic relationship no longer exist. So, the two of them are able to actually focus on the children, not on the drama of a relationship that wasn’t working.

· There must be an ulterior motive…y’all know you still want each other. Along the same lines as the point above, many people believe that if you get along as co-parents, then clearly you’re still sleeping together…or planning to. While this may be true for some parents who haven’t resolved some key issues in their romantic relationship, this isn’t a given. As Deesha pointed out, divorce/separation/break-ups are difficult, and we like to think that most people don’t end their relationships on a whim. We know it isn’t always true, and we also know that it can be difficult to navigate the intense feelings and doubts that accompany such a major decision. But, we say, give co-parents the benefit of the doubt; let them be innocent until proven guilty. Trust that their interest in partnering is truly for their children, and support that effort.

· If s/he would act right, then I would, too. So many of us wait to make changes in our parenting relationships until the other parent does. Ultimately, all we get is stalemate and the same-old-same-old, even though what we really want is entirely different. Once we start believing that what we do doesn’t matter, we give up our power to make changes that may positively impact our children. Talibah talked about her experience of seeing high-conflict co-parenting relationships completely shift, not because both parents chose to behave differently, but rather because one parent made a change inspiring the other to follow.

To hear more, listen to the show. And, definitely check out  “5 Myths about Co-Parenting…or, What to Tell the Naysayers” on CoParenting101.org.

Fatherhood Freestyle: Parenting Time–Quality vs. Quantity

As some of you know I parent from abroad. My children live in Champaign, Illinois and I live in Kyoto, Japan. I visit them about four times a year (weeks at a time) and they spend summers with me in Kyoto. It would be an understatement to say that our time is limited, but it would be equally untrue to suggest that we do not make the best out of the time that we have.

By default I have become the “fun parent.” I don’t say this as a slight to their mother, (she does a lot of fun things with them as well) but because I see my children during holidays and school breaks we tend to take trips to interesting places, visit relatives, and get our leisure on to the fullest. When I get together with my children I am generally all theirs. Even though they are getting older (12 and 10) we do all kinds of silly stuff together like scaring each other when we walk out of public bathrooms and playing hide and seek in bookstores and malls. And of course I am the biggest kid in the group with my daughter sometimes urging me to pipe it down and chill.

But we didn’t always have this much fun. Earlier in their lives I was working hard as an Assistant Professor trying to acquire tenure. The pressures of work insured that I was not always available. My kids would want to play and I would either be deep into a book or transfixed by the computer screen. In order to cope I had to develop a fairly rigid routine that unfortunately did not always include a lot of playtime and or opportunities for bonding. Our weekdays were straightforward: wake up, breakfast, school, homework, dinner, bath, sleep—wake up repeat. On weekends we might head to a park, catch a movie, or visit friends, but because of the nature of my work I was not always there and my kids knew it.

In recent years my work situation has improved. The downside, however, is that I now live in a different hemisphere and see my children far less than when I was struggling to get my career on track. I now have “more” time for them but “less” time with them and it doesn’t always feel good. I often wish for the days when we were rushing off to school in the morning or I was trying to make dinner and check homework at the same time.

But what does it really mean to have more time versus less? I mean what is time anyway other than what we make it? My current co-parenting arrangement has taught me that quality beats quantity every time. Now let’s be clear I still yearn and hope for more time, but the consequences of my own actions have forced me to work with what I have. Sure there is less professional pressure, but there is also less opportunity to parent in the flesh.

Yet my circumstances have taught me presence. When I spend time with my children I cherish our exchanges in ways that I never did when I had a more traditional arrangement. I take a deeper and more profound interest in every word that spills from my kid’s mouths. We play more, talk more, connect more and enjoy the fullness of our time. I tend to be less restrictive and far more available physically and emotionally. Distance has made me more reflective and meditative about parenting and has assisted me in providing more substantive guidance and direction about life. Again this not in anyway to suggest that I am better at parenting than their mom, but only to underscore that my circumstances have forced me to find the upside for what might prove to others to be pretty bad situation. In other words value the time you have and never underestimate a mean game of hide and seek at Macys.

WeParent Wednesday: Speak Your Mind!

What are the biggest challenges during the holidays for you as a single parent, co-parent or step-parent?

Testing the Ice Book Giveaway: We Have A Winner!

We’re excited to announce the winners of our very first giveaway!  All winners will be contacted via email.  If you didn’t win this time, we encourage you to read our review and then pick up this book for the youngsters in your life.

OK.  Here goes…

The winner of the Testing the Ice prize pack, which includes a copy of the book and a Kidorable hat, glove and scarf set shown in the image below is…drumroll, please…

Rhonda Walton!

And, the following four people will receive a copy of this wonderful children’s book written by Sharon Robinson, daughter of the legendary Jackie Robinson, and illustrated by the masterful Kadir Nelson:

Kokayi Issa
Paul Melville
Kim Millen
Jaliya Stewart

Co-Parenting Holiday Survival Guide…on the next “Co-Parenting Matters”

With Thanksgiving less than a month away, the holidays are right around the corner.   For many co-parents, this season is one of the most challenging in terms of shared custody, cooperation, and communication.  How well you and your ex communicate and get along–or not–will determine how joyous and peaceful this time of year will be for your kids.

In our family, we generally alternate holidays.  This year, our son will be with his father for the Thanksgiving break, me for the week Christmas and back to his father for New Year’s Eve.  If we’re both in town, we’ll spend Christmas Eve and/or Christmas Day together.  But, if not, it means that our son is away from one of us.  He seems to manage just fine, distracted by all the celebration, gifts and food–a phone call is enough.  I, on the other hand, struggle sometimes, missing him and wanting holidays to be more like they were for me as a kid.  But, knowing that he is happy and having a complete blast with people who love him gets me through it.

How will your family spend the holidays?  Do you and your fellow co-parent have a solid kid-centered plan in place?

We’ll be discussing holiday survival tips for co-parents on the next episode of our new talk show, “Co-Parenting Matters.” Join me and our friends Deesha Philyaw and Mike Thomas of CoParenting101 as we discuss the highs and lows of co-parenting at this time of year and share tips for coping with being away from your children during the holidays,holiday shopping on a budget, and effective ways to make sure your children enjoy their holidays no matter what your relationship is with their other parent.

Our guests will be Brooke Randolph, licensed mental health counselor and parenting coordinator, along with Patricia Stallworth of Minding Your Money.

Tune in: November 1, 2009 from 9:30pm to 11pm

Call (646)378-0580 or visit http://www.blogtalkradio.com/CoParentingMatters to listen live and join in the discussion.

Send your questions in advance to contact@coparentingmatters.com, tweet us at @coparentingshow, or leave a comment below.  We want to hear from you!

10 Things NOT to Say to Your Children During a Divorce

Divorce is a time of monumental emotional pain and hardship, a time in which we need support of others to find our way back on track and go on with our life. Yet you can never forget the promise you have given your children when you brought them into this world. You still need to be the best parent you can be and follow some rules to avoid more pain.

One of the most critical things to remember are phrases you should say to them and things you can think of but definitely can’t say. Here are ten things you should never say to your children during a divorce.

1. Nothing will change. Everything will be the same.

Be realistic. A divorce is a separation and that will bring two different households to your children, if both you and your (ex-) spouse decide to remain in the children’s lives. Often, your kids will realize what a separation means much sooner than you think. Instead of trying to calm the situation by claiming everything will be the same, you can carefully introduce certain changes, but always make sure that they know that you are in control of the situation and they do not have to worry.

2. Your dad is a … / Your mom is a …

As much as you would want to, you need to bite your tongue on this one. Do not speak negatively about the other parent and refrain from name calling! Even if there have been hurtful things, such as adultery, a divorce is not the time to be verbally mean to your ex-partner. Remember, in the end, it will not hit your ex-spouse, but it will hurt the children and it may hurt you. Children watch closely and as they grow older, they become much more aware of what is going on. And if your partner really cheated, they will find out one day anyway. Many psychologists, by the way, suggests that an appropriate age of revealing difficult reasons for divorces is about 16.

3. It’s all your mom’s/dad’s fault.

It is easy to shift the fault for the divorce on someone during the divorce. And it may take time for you to realize what really caused your divorce. But that is not a discussion that should be held with your children and such alienation will deepen the wounds that are being caused by the separation. No matter how you feel who has caused the divorce, make sure that you always let your children know that both mom and dad love them very much.

4. Because of what you did, we have to divorce

We come across this one quite often and it is the worst you can say to your children. The simple fact is: Your children are not responsible for the divorce. Never blame them for the problems between you and your (ex-) spouse. The reasons for a divorce are beyond a child’s reach and usually relate to individual actions, bad choices and different parenting approaches.

5. I am busy.

Spending quality time with your children is essential. You should want your child to feel wanted, not abandoned. When you can spend time with your children, especially it is scheduled parenting time, be available and do not make your child feel like she/he is a burden.

6. Your dad does not pay child support.

There are certain topics that are inappropriate to be shared with your children. Examples are especially child support or relationships with significant others. There may not be a single case your children will bring up these topics and if they do, stay positive and let them know that there are or will be two different homes and you and your ex-spouse are working together as a team.

7. DON’T YELL!

Simple. If you are talking with your ex-spouse, on the phone or in the same room, and your children are near, be cordial and polite. Aside from a possible alienation issue, a divorce can also teach your children a lesson for life and they will always remember how you treated each other. As nasty as a divorce may be, treating each other respectfully will show your children that not only are you two working things out, but you can also resolve a conflict without yelling.

8. What does your mom/dad say about me?

Do not put your children in the awkward position to be a middleman or a messenger between you and your spouse. If you are interested in what is going on at the other home, you can always ask you (ex-) spouse. Do not expect your child to relay messages. Even more important: Do not fish for information about your (ex-) spouse.

9. I do not want the divorce. Your mom does.

This is a borderline case, but I recommend staying away from this one as well. There are some counselors who say that you can tell your child that you have done everything to save the marriage. Which, of course, implies that your partner has not. There are countless ways to give the same message to your children – without the blaming. Simply explain that you both have tried to work out your differences, but sometimes that does not happen. To be a good mom and dad, parents sometimes have to separate to overcome their differences.

10. I don’t care about your dad’s rules.

This is a tricky one. When there are two homes, it is impossible that mom and dad will have the exact same rules for every eventuality. However, the two of you need to set a baseline of rules relating to topics such as bedtime, homework, etc. Kids have a tendency to play parents against each other to achieve certain goals, such as playing with a certain toy or manipulate ground rules such as bedtimes. You will often hear “But mom/dad said that ….” Make sure that you have basic rules in place that are the same in both homes and make sure that your children know that you will enforce those rules. If you (ex-) spouse creates new rules without telling you, then you need to discuss those with your (ex-) spouse, but don’t wipe them off the table, just because you do not agree in the first place.

Check out Our New Show “Co-Parenting Matters”

Debut of Co-Parenting Matters on BlogTalkRadio

MamaSpeak: Why Co-Parenting Matters to Me

Co-Parenting matters, because my child has something important to contribute to this world.

He is this brilliant brown burst of pure energy that challenges me moment by moment to be better, do better. He is charming and cool. He is witty, and mischievous and even a little bit corny sometimes. He wants to be a scientist, a musician, a professional soccer player and a daddy. He is a know-it-all and thinks that he is the boss of me. He is creative in his efforts to thwart his bedtime asking at the last minute, “Just real quick, can we Google the secret of happiness, because Leonardo da Vinci says it’s curiousity; and I just don’t know if it’s true.” And, it works. He is happy and resilient and passionate and dramatic and…

And, in the wee hours, when I watch him sleeping, I remember how perfect he is (particularly when he is not talking to me, whining or otherwise getting on my fragile nerves). I see clearly that there is nothing but possibility for this child. I believe in my heart of hearts that he has something brilliant and important and powerful to share with this world.

And, I don’t want to get in the way.

I’m clear that he would be able to thrive with or without both of us in his life partnering to parent him. I know that we will never get it perfect, and one day as hormones rage through his adolescent body, and he doesn’t agree with some parental decree, we may still be blamed for ruining his life. But, selfishly, my hope remains that when that time passes, and he is a man, powerfully being who he is meant to be, he will say that he is who he is not despite his parents’ relationship but, at least in part, as a positive result of it.

Co-parenting matters to me, because my child has something important to contribute to this world. And, that matters.

Why does co-parenting matter to you?

Join us this Sunday, October 25^th at 9:30pm EST for the debut of our new talk show, Co-Parenting Matters.  I’ll be co-hosting with my friends Deesha Philyaw and Mike Thomas of CoParenting101.org.
Listen live and join the discussion at (646) 378-0580 or www.blogtalkradio.com/CoParentingMatters.

WeParent Wednesday: Speak Your Mind!

What misconceptions get in the way of effective co-parenting?

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