Co-Parenting Myths & Misconceptions

This Sunday, we debuted our new talk show, “Co-Parenting Matters” co-hosted by WeParent founder, Talibah Mbonisi; Deesha Philyaw and Mike Thomas, our friends from CoParenting101.org. If you missed the show, which focused on co-parenting myths, you can check it out right here. Whether the myths are held by other people or co-parents themselves, many of them get in the way of partnering effectively. So, check out the show, and in the meantime, here are a just a few of the myths the crew discussed:

· Co-parenting is for White people. Referencing a 2006 article in the Washington Post by Joy Jones, Talibah suggested that many of us have difficulty identifying role models for effective co-parenting. There seems to be a widely held belief that drama is the only or primary option for parents who are no longer together. Of course, this is on our list of myths, because we don’t believe it and are committed to proving that there are other possibilities and to exposing the power of partnering for the sake of our children. But, yeah…she said it.

· If you’re willing to make your co-parenting relationship work “for the sake of your children”, then you should have been able to make your marriage work for the sake of your children. Mike talked about the reality that in his co-parenting relationship, part of what makes getting along possible that the expectations of a romantic relationship no longer exist. So, the two of them are able to actually focus on the children, not on the drama of a relationship that wasn’t working.

· There must be an ulterior motive…y’all know you still want each other. Along the same lines as the point above, many people believe that if you get along as co-parents, then clearly you’re still sleeping together…or planning to. While this may be true for some parents who haven’t resolved some key issues in their romantic relationship, this isn’t a given. As Deesha pointed out, divorce/separation/break-ups are difficult, and we like to think that most people don’t end their relationships on a whim. We know it isn’t always true, and we also know that it can be difficult to navigate the intense feelings and doubts that accompany such a major decision. But, we say, give co-parents the benefit of the doubt; let them be innocent until proven guilty. Trust that their interest in partnering is truly for their children, and support that effort.

· If s/he would act right, then I would, too. So many of us wait to make changes in our parenting relationships until the other parent does. Ultimately, all we get is stalemate and the same-old-same-old, even though what we really want is entirely different. Once we start believing that what we do doesn’t matter, we give up our power to make changes that may positively impact our children. Talibah talked about her experience of seeing high-conflict co-parenting relationships completely shift, not because both parents chose to behave differently, but rather because one parent made a change inspiring the other to follow.

To hear more, listen to the show. And, definitely check out  “5 Myths about Co-Parenting…or, What to Tell the Naysayers” on CoParenting101.org.

WeParent is a community of parents and parent advisers striving to give our children one of the keys to a happy, healthy and fulfilled life…strong families. We are on a mission to support and uplift African-American mothers and fathers, like us, who are living apart but parenting TOGETHER.

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