Fatherhood Freestyle: Parenting Time–Quality vs. Quantity
October 28, 2009 by Fanon Che Wilkins
As some of you know I parent from abroad. My children live in Champaign, Illinois and I live in Kyoto, Japan. I visit them about four times a year (weeks at a time) and they spend summers with me in Kyoto. It would be an understatement to say that our time is limited, but it would be equally untrue to suggest that we do not make the best out of the time that we have.
By default I have become the “fun parent.” I don’t say this as a slight to their mother, (she does a lot of fun things with them as well) but because I see my children during holidays and school breaks we tend to take trips to interesting places, visit relatives, and get our leisure on to the fullest. When I get together with my children I am generally all theirs. Even though they are getting older (12 and 10) we do all kinds of silly stuff together like scaring each other when we walk out of public bathrooms and playing hide and seek in bookstores and malls. And of course I am the biggest kid in the group with my daughter sometimes urging me to pipe it down and chill.
But we didn’t always have this much fun. Earlier in their lives I was working hard as an Assistant Professor trying to acquire tenure. The pressures of work insured that I was not always available. My kids would want to play and I would either be deep into a book or transfixed by the computer screen. In order to cope I had to develop a fairly rigid routine that unfortunately did not always include a lot of playtime and or opportunities for bonding. Our weekdays were straightforward: wake up, breakfast, school, homework, dinner, bath, sleep—wake up repeat. On weekends we might head to a park, catch a movie, or visit friends, but because of the nature of my work I was not always there and my kids knew it.
In recent years my work situation has improved. The downside, however, is that I now live in a different hemisphere and see my children far less than when I was struggling to get my career on track. I now have “more” time for them but “less” time with them and it doesn’t always feel good. I often wish for the days when we were rushing off to school in the morning or I was trying to make dinner and check homework at the same time.
But what does it really mean to have more time versus less? I mean what is time anyway other than what we make it? My current co-parenting arrangement has taught me that quality beats quantity every time. Now let’s be clear I still yearn and hope for more time, but the consequences of my own actions have forced me to work with what I have. Sure there is less professional pressure, but there is also less opportunity to parent in the flesh.
Yet my circumstances have taught me presence. When I spend time with my children I cherish our exchanges in ways that I never did when I had a more traditional arrangement. I take a deeper and more profound interest in every word that spills from my kid’s mouths. We play more, talk more, connect more and enjoy the fullness of our time. I tend to be less restrictive and far more available physically and emotionally. Distance has made me more reflective and meditative about parenting and has assisted me in providing more substantive guidance and direction about life. Again this not in anyway to suggest that I am better at parenting than their mom, but only to underscore that my circumstances have forced me to find the upside for what might prove to others to be pretty bad situation. In other words value the time you have and never underestimate a mean game of hide and seek at Macys.
Surrendering to What Is…and to What Ain’t
Fatherhood Freestyle: Honoring Mothers
Fatherhood Freestyle: The Weekenders
Carolyn on Wed, 28th Oct 2009 6:35 pm
This post really resonated with me because it sounds very similar to how my dad tried to be with me during our visits (limited as well with a 2400 mile distance). But one thing I found was that his wife would get very resentful of this cherished parenting of me when I was there because she felt he never was the same with their children who he lived with. To me it felt like they were the lucky ones, to have him to themselves so much. But to my stepmother, quality did beat out quantity and she felt I always got the long end of the stick.
Do you have any suggestions for fathers who might be in the same position as mine was?
Talibah Mbonisi on Wed, 28th Oct 2009 9:19 pm
I’ve seen dads go the other way, too, i.e. the anti-fun parent. Because they spend significantly less time with their children and perhaps feel like they aren’t having enough influence on the day-to-day rearing, they become super-disciplinarians during their short time with their children. Somewhere in there there must be some balance. And, I imagine that it lies in learning ways to have some presence with your child between live visits.
Fanon on Thu, 29th Oct 2009 7:14 am
Hey Carolyn–thank you for your feedback and question. Well in my case I really made it clear to my girlfriend (we’ve been living together for about 6 years now)that my kids and I are a package deal. It was of utmost importance that all parties involved (particularly my ex-wife and girlfriend) respected one another and recognized that for better or for worse we were all in this thing together. Now I got lucky because my ex-wife is a model of decency and my girlfriend is as easy going as they come. However, I made careful choices–and next to really digging my girl, I made it clear that if she and the kids did not connect or if she and my ex developed beef then we were not going to make it as a couple.
So my case is a bit different from yours, however, I think that merged or mixed families really have to amp up the communication because there are so many variables to be considered. With all due respect to your Step-Mom it seems like she was engaged in an egoic struggle with your Dad that pivoted around her identity as a Mother, a Step-Mother, and a “secondary” parent. In my opinion her resentment was about trying to carve out space and stake out territory and unfortunately you were caught in the vortex and got the short end of the stick. Egoic struggles are real and they need to be confronted head on–face to face–through constructive dialogue. We have the tools and the insights from countless family professionals and spiritual teachers–we need to make sure that personal development is inextricably tied to family development. Not sure if this helps, but if collaborative parenting is the goal, then we have to grapple with the destructive qualities of the ego and develop mechanisms for recognizing and countering its underside.
Terrence on Thu, 29th Oct 2009 7:19 am
Thank you for sharing this experience. I feel fortunate that the biggest distance between my ex and myself has been one side of town to the other, but I always wanted to be closer. To achieve that, there were dialy phone calls, attendence at their extracuriccular activities and indivdual dates with each of my kids (I have two). It is a committment to staying active in your children’s lives and working with what you have. I applaud your efforts and feel it will pay dividends when your family has this wealth of memories to reflect upon.
Fanon on Thu, 29th Oct 2009 7:33 am
Hey Terrence–thanks a lot man, your words mean a lot. I agree its all about staying active. Keep up the excellent work and much thanks for the praise and respect.
Bernadine Reid on Sat, 26th Feb 2011 11:36 pm
hi I had the privillage of meeting Fanon and his dad nice people great, very much informative like your style keep up the good work, being a single mother of five the eldest being 24 yrs with the youngs 11yrs and have to work away from home, hats off gentlemen. job well done.