Co-Parenting Matters: Join WeParent & CoParenting101 for our New Talk Show
…the debut of Co-Parenting Matters,
a live, weekly talk show on BlogTalk Radio!
Debut show: Sunday, October 25, 2009
Co-Parenting Matters
because kids thrive when parents partner.
Join us every Sunday evening @ 9:30 PM EST for a lively discussion of a variety of co-parenting related issues: communication, single parenting, divorce, finances, custody, dating, wellness, stepfamilies, and much more.
Hosted by the founders of WeParent.com (Talibah Mbonisi) and CoParenting101.org (Deesha Philyaw and Michael Thomas), along with guest experts: attorneys, counselors, and fellow co-parents!
For our inaugural show, we will focus on Co-Parenting Myths. What misconceptions hinder your co-parenting relationship? Share your experiences and pose your questions by calling in to (646) 378-0580 during the show on October 25th.
What issues and questions would you like to hear discussed on Co-Parenting Matters? We are planning upcoming shows and welcome YOUR input! Leave a comment, send us an email (info AT weparent DOT org), or call in during the show.
Can’t join us on Sunday nights? Listen to Co-Parenting Matters podcasts at BlogTalk Radio your leisure.
We invite you to tune in!
Fatherhood Freestyle: Tales from the Fortress
Not long after my divorce and the early adventures of my initial separation, I came to live in the first place of my own. I was in the lower 9th Ward of New Orleans, a place previously known as one of the poorest and most segregated sections of the city. After Katrina, it became an icon, a symbol of all that went wrong with New Orleans and the federal response to that catastrophe. But that’s another story for another blog. Believe it or not, my house was a dream, a two bedroom shotgun, completely renovated inside, polished hardwood floors throughout, ceiling fans, exposed brick fireplaces, 12-foot ceilings and 6-foot windows with wood slat shutters. On the outside, old faded wood, chipping paint, just the appearance you’d want in that neighborhood so as not to scream, “Come and break in!” to my not so gainfully employed neighbors. Inside I felt safe, at peace and for the first time since my divorce, really comfortable when I came home from work.
But the drive home from anywhere was always depressing; the 9th Ward was, and by all accounts, remains one of the bleakest parts of New Orleans. As I drove home I would see the poverty and the kids hanging out, sitting on porches or abandoned cars, just waiting to see what would happen next, who would happen next. It was also on the opposite edge of the city from the rest of my life– work, friends and the better attended parts of the city. All of these facts contributed to my new digs having very infrequent visitors. Other than my son on weekends, (my daughter was away at college) there was seldom a reason to dirty a dish or glass other than my own.
So, I gave my place a name it deserved, one I found fitting in many ways: the Fortress of Solitude. For those of you not blessed with geekdom in your childhoods, this was the name of Superman’s home in the North Pole. It’s where he would retreat to ponder problems and reflect on his experiences. It was his sanctuary. It was in this sanctuary of mine that I truly began to grow up. Never mind the fact that I was already 40ish, had been married for 19 years and had been a part of raising two kids.
During my childhood I was ‘forced to mature’ in some ways by my mother’s chaotic life style, as a single parent with an off and on drug abuse problem and by the absence of positive male role models, notable exceptions being my Uncle John, and one of my mom’s suitors who took the time to teach me about manhood and respect and chivalry. It wasn’t until I was in my twenties that I realized that he was a Heroin addict; I thought he was just a sleepy guy. In some ways, my circumstances of caring for and co-parenting with my mother in managing our house and raising my younger sister robbed me of a ‘normal’ childhood. The irony is that it also set me up for an abnormal adulthood, a point of contention I couldn’t see until my time at ‘the Fortress’.
When I was married, I had in my wife a co-scapegoat, someone to share in the blame for failures, unmet responsibilities and problems in general. I could point out her lack of support for my not meeting a deadline at work, or my not realizing my full potential in my career. But when I lived alone, one fact kept popping up; I was responsible. I was responsible for getting up on time. For washing, ironing and keeping up with my clothes, keeping food in the house. For remembering to pay the bills in a timely fashion ‘cause when you don’t, the power, water, cable and phone go OFF!
It’s easier to point the finger at anyone besides ourselves for our problems and lack of progress. It requires someone other than ourselves to blame and their willingness to engage in the debate with us. They don’t even have to fully accept blame, just be a willing participant in the dialogue! Living on my own exposed many of my issues and started me on the path to identifying and working through them. I feel it’s helped me in my relationship with my ex and been invaluable in helping me to be a better parent to my kids. And here, 9 years later, I’m clearly still a work in progress (as I’m sure many would be too happy to point out!) but progress is being made.
So here’s a question for you Super-boys and Super-girls: How many of you have spent/ could benefit from some time in “the Fortress”?
MamaSpeak: 10 Lessons I’ve Learned about Co-Parenting
October 6, 2009 by Talibah Mbonisi
Sometimes, it’s valuable and enlightening to take stock of where we’ve been, how far we’ve come and what we’ve learned along the way. I did a little stock taking recently and thought I’d share these lessons I’ve learned along this co-parenting journey. I look forward to hearing yours.
10 Lessons I’ve Learned about Co-Parenting
- Being right doesn’t always equal winning. Sometimes our co-parenting relationship is better served by just listening and hearing my son’s father’s perspective and keeping my opinion to myself. There are times when each of us just needs to be heard.
- Saying, “I’m sorry,” doesn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. Acknowledging my mistakes sometimes goes a long way, because it gives both of us permission to be human every once in a while and it has allowed us both to let our defenses down a little.
- I don’t know everything. Once I finally started listening to my son’s father like what he said might actually matter, I found out that he has a little insight into this parenting thing.
- There is more than one way to do just about everything. And, it’s almost guaranteed that he’ll choose any way but the one I suggest. But, letting go of “my way or no way” leaves a lot more opportunities for it to just get done.
- Sharing information makes life easier for everyone. Making sure that our son’s teachers, piano instructor and soccer coach have both of our email addresses and phone numbers allows us to share responsibility in managing our son’s schedule. Then, all the work doesn’t fall solely on me.
- There’s usually a win-WIN-win solution, if we just look for it. Focusing on the solution and not just the problem is sometimes all that it takes. Of course, that usually requires being patient enough and listening intently enough to understand everyone’s concerns then putting our child at the center. It takes practice, but it’s possible.
- There is power in having even the appearance of a united front. Whether it’s disciplining our child or advocating for him at school, when we stand together (even if we’re faking it in that moment), we stand stronger and provide a more solid support for our son.
- Flexibility is a virtue. Pretty much nothing in life goes exactly according to plan. Parenting and co-parenting are no exceptions. Being flexible within boundaries makes for smoother sailing, and it can score you some credit for when you need the favor returned.
- My power lies in my ability to choose how I will respond. I may not be able to control what my son’s father will do, but I can control how I respond. When I’m running my life instead of the drama running it, I am happier, more peaceful and a much better parent.
- It’s all a work in progress. Even when it feels like nothing will ever change, there is always possibility. Building a strong co-parenting relationship is a process. I now look for progress, not perfection.
What lessons have you learned?
WeParent Wednesday: Speak Your Mind!
October 6, 2009 by WeParent
How long should you wait to introduce your new love interest to your children?
What’s the best way to make the introduction?
Book Review & Giveaway: Testing the Ice
October 6, 2009 by Talibah Mbonisi
In the early 1950s, legendary baseball hero Jackie Robinson literally “tested the ice” for his kids who so eagerly wanted to skate on the frozen lake near their home. Under Sharon Robinson’s skillful authorship and Kadir Nelson’s vivid illustrations, “Testing the ice” also becomes a stunning metaphor for her father’s remarkable racial breakthrough.
As soon as my son began reading Testing the Ice aloud to me, I could tell by the enthusiasm in his voice that this book was one we would read over and over again. Read this entire post to find out how you can enter to win a copy to share with the young ones in your life.
Testing the Ice is a new children’s book written by Sharon Robinson, daughter of the legendary Jackie Robinson. Written from the perspective of a little girl full of the deepest love and admiration for her father, Testing the Ice tells the story of a much more personal heroism than the one for which we have all come to love Jackie Robinson.
After moving to their new home in Connecticut, the Robinson children and their new friends spent all summer enjoying the lake found on their property. As they played and swam, their father watched from the shore, never daring to enter the water himself. But, when the winter cold hardened the lake, and the children set their minds on skating on the ice, Jackie Robinson could no longer lurk in the background. Courageously, despite not knowing how to swim, he risked his life to test the strength of the ice with his own body and a broomstick, making sure the children would be safe.
Illustrated by Kadir Nelson, the images of Jackie Robinson recounting how he shattered the color barrier in Major League Baseball, spending time with his family and crossing the ice are breathtaking. His masterful artistry breathes life into this wonderful story and transports you to the beautiful landscapes and historic baseball games of Sharon Robinson’s childhood.
As a mother, I was reminded that regardless of what the world says, regardless of what we may think, our children have their own reasons for loving their fathers and experiencing them as heroes. As a parent, I was thrilled to hear my child’s excitement at learning about Jackie Robinson the baseball legend and the father. And, as a person striving to make a difference in this world, I was inspired by the courage this man showed in both his professional and personal life. I am grateful to Sharon Robinson for sharing her father with our family in this rich, personal and inspirational story.
And, in our first giveaway, WeParent is giving away copies of Testing the Ice to FIVE lucky readers. One winner will receive a Testing the Ice prize pack that includes a copy of the book and a Kidorable hat, glove and scarf set shown in the image below (an estimated $53 value.) The other 4 winners will receive a copy of the book (and estimated $17 value.)
Here’s how to enter to win:
Check out this video of Sharon Robinson and Kadir Nelson talking about the creation of Testing the Ice. Leave a comment here by 11:59pm EST on Tuesday, October 27, 2009, about something you found interesting about the discussion.
If you’d like to increase your chances of winning, here are four more ways to enter:
1) If you haven’t already, join the WeParent mailing list. Be sure to verify your subscription by clicking through the confirmation email that will be sent to you, or your entry won’t count.
2) If you aren’t already a member, join our online community, WeParent Connect.
3) Blog or tweet about this giveaway and post a link to your work here.
4) Purchase a copy of Testing the Ice and email a copy of your confirmation email to contests@weparent.com.
OK, WeParent family, this gives you up to five chances to win! And, we’d love to share this rich story with you. All entries must be submitted/completed by 11:59pm EST on Tuesday, October 27, 2009. Winners will be chosen through random.org. This contest is available to U. S. mailing addresses only; prizes will be sent to winners by the book’s sponsor.
Cross-post: The Truth About NonCustodial Parents–An Interview with Rebekah Spicuglia
October 6, 2009 by Deesha Philyaw
This is a re-post from our friends over at CoParenting101. It provides excellent insight into the issues faced by noncustodial parents. If you are a noncustodial parent or are just trying to find ways to strengthen your co-parenting relationship, be sure to read every word of this interview.
Think you know what “noncustodial” really means? Think again, and check out our interview with a woman whom MSN calls a “Mom Inspired to Change History”…
One of your goals in creating NCP Community is to raise awareness about the issues noncustodial parents face. What are some of the key issues?
Noncustodial parents face many of the same challenges that custodial parents face. We want to instill our values in our children, ensure they are doing their homework and studying for that big test tomorrow, treating others with respect . But it is much harder to do when you aren’t in the same house as your children.
Parental disagreements are common, and a noncustodial parent can often feel helpless in decisions ranging from whether or not a child should have a cell phone to medical care. But once you get past divorce and mediation issues and settle into everyday life, it’s engaging our children’s teachers, maintaining regular communication with our children, and arranging visitation that are the big issues. Visitation in particular can be very difficult – there is scheduling with the custodial parent, figuring out childcare, trying to arrange playdates when you may not have much of a parenting community to speak of, and trying to make those visits really meaningful for our relationship with our children.
Yet, despite our best efforts and loving intentions, noncustodial parents often feel shut out from our children’s day-to-day life, academic progress, and major decisions. In extreme cases, there might even be concern about child’s well-being, even child abuse, in the custodial parent’s home. Societal misconceptions about what “noncustodial” means can wrongly limit a parent’s access to their children’s education/medical records, and parents often do not have access to legal resources or even understand their parental rights. This can be discouraging for a parent who is truly striving to do the best s/he can.
What are some common misconceptions about noncustodial parents?
One of the biggest issues noncustodial parents face is a lack of understanding generally in society about what “noncustodial” means. This leads to a great deal of frustration when dealing with authorities, and we regularly find ourselves explaining legalities to people to defend our right to be involved, our right-to-parent.
