Book Giveaway: Lifelines-The Black Book of Proverbs

It’s Kwanzaa time!  It’s Kwanzaa time!  Well, really, it’s not.  But, we’re getting started early.

In the Kwanzaa tradition of giving away homemade and educational gifts, we’re excited to give one lucky WeParent reader a hardcover copy of the new Lifelines:  The Black Book of Proverbs by our dear friend Askhari Johnson Hodari and her co-author, Yvonne McCalla Sobers.

Lifelines is a treasure of short witty wisdom from all over the globe.  The book includes clever, pointed and even poetic guidance for all areas of life like:

• Birth and Parenting: “When a yam does not grow well, do not blame the yam; it is because of the soil.” (Ghana)
• Marriage: “Getting married is nothing: it is assuming the responsibility of marriage that counts.”(Haiti)
• Money Problems: “The poor person does not experience poverty all the time.” (Ghana)
• Peace and War: “To engage in conflict, one does not bring a knife that cuts but a needle that sews. (Kiswahili)

And, yes, we believe, even co-parenting.  Beginning next week, in fact, we’ll be highlighting Lifelines that we believe offer guidance for co-parenting.  So, look for and heed those words of wisdom in some of our upcoming posts.  You can also receive Daily Lifelines from the authors right in your inbox.

To enter to win your very own copy of Lifelines:  The Black Book of Proverbs, just leave a comment here with your own words of wisdom no later than 11:59pm EST on Friday, December 18, 2009. Winners will be announced here on WeParent.com.

And, here are a few other ways to increase your odds of winning:

• Become a WeParent fan on Facebook, and then leave a comment here to let us know.
• Sign up for our newsletter if you aren’t already on our mailing list.  If you are on our newsletter, forward it to a friend.
• Join WeParent Connect, our online community of parents and parent advisers.
• Purchase a copy of Lifelines:  The Book of Black Proverbs, and send us a copy of your email confirmation to contests at WeParent dot com.

There you go!  Five chances to win!  The winner must be a US or Candian resident or have an US mailing address.

Good luck!

MamaSpeak: Guess Who’s Not Coming to Dinner

I love spending time with family. Holidays, reunions, weddings, and even deaths, have their way of bringing us together. And, like most families, we have a love/hate relationship where we love each other harder than we fight, fight for one another more than against each other, and yearn to be together when we’re apart. I just wish all this love didn’t come with such a high price or any feelings of obligation.

Family love has made me sometimes spend money I couldn’t afford to spend, buy gifts I didn’t want to give, and travel to places I didn’t want to go. All because I knew saying, “No,” would require an exhaustive explanation, replete with a list of why I couldn’t do it, only to be met with a rebuttal of why I should. A simple, “I can’t afford it,” would never suffice. So I’ve never offered. But, this year it’s a must.

I’m making a lot of changes in my life. As an empty-nester who put herself on the backburner to raise her children, I’m learning to be single. And, alas, I’m back in the city where I’ve always wanted to return. My relocation caused a temporary financial setback from which I’m still recovering, but making the sacrifices necessary to accept a job that pays 200% more than the highest bidder in my previous city made perfect sense to me. As an added bonus, I get to live in a place that I love. But to those who can’t relate to living life on one’s own terms, it is illogical. They say that surely, I must be chasing a man. And that’s okay, because on November 26, 2009, I will be a Thanksgiving orphan—no explanation needed.

Although money is an issue, I know that it is not the only issue. If it were, I wouldn’t keep having flashbacks to places of unfinished business: a father who wasn’t—and isn’t—around, a mother—MY mother—picking up her infant daughter from her mother-in-law and asking about a child of the same age lying on the same couch (It was later learned that it was my father’s child with another woman.), and an aunt’s voice yelling at me after my mother was admitted into the hospital for the last time, saying that the reason my brother was so angry is because my mother always criticized my father. I still find it peculiar that, out of seven children, he’s the only one with whom she had those private moments of criticism.

My tone may sound angry, but I’m not. In an ongoing effort to take back my power and reclaim my purpose, I must learn to function from a place of love and not duty. In order to be emotionally whole, I must process the pain and move on. An honest conversation would be nice, but since my mother isn’t here to defend herself, I’m not even interested. On top of that, I’m tired of folks trying to rewrite history with lies, even with the things I witnessed firsthand.

Unfortunately, my kids are having similar experiences. They made tremendous sacrifices to spend Thanksgiving with their dad’s family last year, and he didn’t show up. He simply said that he had other plans. The children were very upset, but I didn’t comment either way, because it’s important that I allow them to own their feelings. He and his brother called a couple weeks ago and said they’d like for them to come again this year. They all declined, opting to enjoy the holiday together with their friends. In a perfect world, they would be excited about spending time with their family. But in that same world, my ex’s family wouldn’t make spending time with them feel like such an obligation.

MamaSpeak: Meeting the Challenge–What I’m Thankful For…

I was going to make this week’s post all about being thankful for your co-parent. But, my friend, Deesha, of Co-Parenting101.org did it for me in a wonderful post “What I’m Thankful for:  a Co-Parent’s Challenge,” on SingleDad.com. After confessing her own appreciation for her ex, Mike, and his wife, Sherry, Deesha issues what for many of us may truly be a challenge:

At this time of year, even folks with the hardest of hearts and the biggest axes to grind might pause to reflect on their loved ones with gratitude, however grudgingly. We can probably all think of at least one family (if it’s not our own) where hatchets are buried, even if only temporarily, as the carving knife slices into the Thanksgiving turkey. Thanksgiving is also a time where many, if not most, children of divorce, like mine, are spending it with one parent, and not the other. So this Thanksgiving, I’m encouraging all co-parents who are observing Thanksgiving with their children to consider giving thanks, publicly, for their child’s other parent. Yes, I said it: Give thanks for your ex.

I try to thank my son’s father directly on a regular basis, because it makes me feel good and makes him act right. Kidding, of course…sort of.  But, I do think that expressing our appreciation to our co-parents does help us see that “they ain’t all bad” and reassures them that whatever effort they may be making is being noticed.

So, I’m taking Deesha up on her challenge, and I hope you will, too.

I am thankful for my son’s father and my co-parent, because:

• He not only shared in creating my child, who is my greatest love and inspiration, he stood by me through the entire pregnancy and hasn’t stopped being my partner in parenting since, even when things got tricky.
• He continues to demonstrate that he is not only capable of growth, he is patient with me in my own journey.
• He cares for our child in a way that lets me feel secure in knowing that he is safe and healthy when he is with his father.
• He never speaks unkindly about me to our son, even when he may have wanted to, and he consistently instills a respect for me in our son.
• He lets me be right most of the time.
• Despite his very private nature and initial reluctance to have our business exposed through my blogging, he agreed to do an interview with me to share his thoughts about our co-parenting relationship.
• He is determined and inspiring in his creative and entrepreneurial pursuits.
• He is my friend and partner in a way I could never have predicted.

And, with that, I say, “Thank you, Ed!”

And, to my WeParent Family, for all you do for your families;  for your commitment to taking the journey, whatever it may look like for you; and for being a constant source of support for that of me and mine…

Thank You!

Real Families: Meet My Co-Parent, Part 2

This is Part 2 of a 4-part interview with my very own co-parent, Ed Banuel.  In Part 1, he talked about how we became co-parents, how having an absent father impacted him and our challenges as co-parents.  In this second installment, he talks about growing as a father and dating as a single, co-parenting dad.

Talibah: Let’s talk about you as a dad. Where have you stumbled, and how did that help you grow as a parent?

Ed: I stumbled in a lot of areas. Financially, I was stumbling. When you are trying to get things going with your career and get the black cloud over your head of being financially in debt, sometimes, financially you will lack. And I have lacked. It wasn’t that I wasn’t present and there for him, spending time with him, but financially I was lacking across the board.

It took some time to just really figure it out, be really real with myself and figure out how to really provide for my child, how to make a better life for him and for me. I think that took some time for me. I had some challenges with that, but I feel like presently, it’s a better situation. I think a lot of it is just life challenges that you come across and you’ve just got to figure out a way to get through them without impacting your child and your child’s care.

Talibah: The financial stuff is a big one. There were times when I was giving you a hard time about it, but one of the things that stands out for me is that it wasn’t an excuse for you to stop being a dad. You really understood, it seemed, that that’s not all parenting is. A lot of fathers, especially now with the economy the way it is, can’t afford to pay child support and take care of themselves. So, for the mother taking care of the child, that creates an economic burden and sometimes that’s where the conflict occurs.

Ed: I think there may not be the best communication all the time. And, it can be challenging communication when one person feels like they are carrying all the expenses, even though the other person is trying. I’m glad we were able to at least talk about it and I could say, “Hey, this is what I’m able to do. This is what you’re able to do. I don’t want to stop my parental responsibilities, even though this is my situation. And I’m really trying to do the best I can do. This is what I’m able to contribute right now, but I still want to be present and be a father to my kid.”

Truth be told in any relationship, sometimes there is a shift. We were operating as co-parents, but even in a marriage, sometimes a spouse may lose their job or become ill, and someone has to handle more of the responsibilities. I think it comes down to just teamwork, communication and teamwork.

I think that’s what I’m most proud about our relationship. Through it all, and I know we’ve had our battles, but ultimately, we had great communication. I think we’ve operated as a team, and that’s why we are where we are. I think that’s why things have become better, and they will continue to get better.

Talibah: Right. We may not know for a long time how our split affected our son. But, I wonder, how do you imagine he thinks about or experiences our relationship?

Ed: Honestly, this is all he knows right now because he is so young. When we were together, he was what?

Talibah: Actually about 2-1/2.

Ed: So, basically all of his present life, what he can totally process of it, this is all he knows. He knows that daddy has his house, mommy has her house, and he never sees us acting a fool with each other. We show each other respect, even though we may have disagreements, but we’re never disrespectful. And when he is disrespectful to one of us, we make it clear to him that it’s unacceptable. So we try to look like a united front in front of him. I think he’s not really missing a beat by us functioning as co-parents.

Talibah: I think for me, he seems like a happy kid. If he doesn’t know anything else, I think the good thing is that he knows that he is really deeply loved by both of his parents.

Ed: Yeah. He has variety. The only downside of the co-parenting situation as it pertains to him is that kids, they try to connive you. They try to get over on one parent. For example, yesterday I was putting up his electric scooter and he mentioned that he wants to get the 15 mph electric scooter. I said, “No, you’re not.” He said, “Uh huh. Mommy is going to get me one.” I said, “No, she’s not.” And he said, “Uh huh.” I said, “Okay. Well I’m just letting you know that if you keep that tone up, you’re not going to not only ride this scooter, but you’re going to be completely shut down on both households.”

Talibah: He’s lucky I didn’t shut down that one. I don’t want my child riding an electric scooter!  Anyway, let’s talk about dating.

Ed: Uh huh.

Talibah: Fun. Right? I want to know what your experience has been dating as a single co-parenting dad. We have a kind of a relationship that a lot of people aren’t really used to. We communicate regularly. We actually like each other, expect to be involved fully in our child’s life.

Almost a year ago now, you were in a serious relationship and dating someone who actually had kids as well. What was that like?

Ed: I think the biggest challenge I’ve faced in the past with dating is just that they didn’t understand that we’re just friends. It’s no more, no less. I’m not trying to date you and then date my baby’s mom. I think a lot of times people didn’t understand. They misinterpreted our friendship, our relationship, as something more, and it presented some challenges.

I think a lot of times, either A, people, especially if they had children, they didn’t have that type of relationship with their children’s father; and B, if they didn’t have children, that was not the example that they were used to seeing where two co-parents really actually got along, really could talk and communicate with each other without a whole bunch of drama.

Talibah: Right.

Ed: That was some of my challenge. In terms of you dating whomever or I’m dating whomever, I personally feel like we’ve never had issues with that. It’s just a matter of as long as the person respected our child and wasn’t doing anything to hurt or harm our child. I think we both gave each other enough room to manage that, manage our own individual relationships versus stepping in and saying okay this person needs to be doing that, that person needs to be doing that. That wasn’t necessary.

Real Families: Meet My Co-Parent, Part I

I am thrilled to be featuring my son’s father and my co-parent, right here in our “Real Families” column.  I had the pleasure of interviewing him about our co-parenting relationship, his experience as a father who is co-parenting and anything else he thought would be relevant to our readers.  Turns out that he had a lot to say, so this is Part I of a four-part series.

WeParent Family, meet my co-parent, Ed Banuel…

Talibah: Now, we know that my truth is not always the whole truth about the relationship. So, I want to give our readers the opportunity to hear about this co-parenting journey from you. So, how would you describe our co-parenting relationship?

Ed:  Well, I think the best way to describe our co-parenting relationship is by saying that we’ve grown a lot. I feel like we have officially gotten to a place where we are in our groove. It is constantly work in progress, will always be work in progress. I don’t believe any relationship is perfect, but I think we are in a place where we have an understanding of how to make it work for the benefit of our son.

Talibah: What do you see as the biggest issues that we had to work through to get to this point?

Ed:` I think the biggest issue was understanding that we as individuals are constantly evolving. Where I am today at age 34 is not where I was at age 25 or 26. And, even though we both had great parents–I have a great mom; and you have a great mom and dad–there is really no blueprint for how to raise a child and deal with a co-parenting situation. You know? And, the fact that our son was conceived very early on in our relationship posed another set of challenges. So I feel like it was a journey, but I think now we are finally in the place where we know how to communicate and  move through the challenges.

Talibah: So what was that like finding out that someone you’d only known briefly was pregnant with your kid?

Ed: Well, it was scary. It was scary because we didn’t really know each other, I mean, we were kind of forced to have to deal with the good, the bad and the ugly. I was still trying to find my way with my career, working at a 9 to 5 that was a cool job but wasn’t my passion and then also pursuing my film career and just trying to figure out the way to provide for myself. Then add on top of that another level of complexity of finding out I was expecting a child.

I was in a whirlwind, but I felt like you were responsible; and I felt like you were mature enough that we’d definitely be able to work this out and try to give it a good effort to make it work.

Talibah: When I told you, we didn’t just jump in to “Let’s live together, let’s be officially boyfriend and girlfriend, let’s get engaged,” but we did promise each other that we would always work on our friendship and do the best we could to partner in parenting our son.  What was it that made you decide to actually try to build a relationship?

Ed: I felt whenever I had a child, I was going to be there because of the absence of my father. There was never any doubt in my mind that I was going to be there and be committed to raising my child. So, outside of me, of course, really liking you, that was one of the reasons that kept me there. The idea of another man raising my child and me not being there was a big fear of mine. And, that was never going to happen.

Talibah: How do you think you father’s not being there has affected your experience of fatherhood and your growing into the father you are today?

Ed: You know, as a child, you don’t understand why your father or your mother may not be there for you. As an adult, I realized it didn’t have anything to do with me or my sister. It was a personal decision that he made, and there were some issues that he has to resolve with himself.

Seeing my mom raising me, her endless dedication, commitment, her sacrifice…She played the role of a mother and father; she had no other choice. That was instilled in me at an early age, and as a result, I felt like I had to without question show the same level of commitment to my son.

Talibah: You say she didn’t have a choice, but she did. Your father made a different choice. Why do you think so many fathers in particular are absent from their children, absent from their children’s lives?

Ed: I think a lot of it is not having examples. Life burdens just kind of take over, and we feel like we can’t provide for our child if X, Y and Z is not in place and not right. I just feel like a lot of fathers don’t have positive examples of what a good father is. And, half the time, it’s not just about money, because you can be a very wealthy man and not be a good father.  It’s about that relationship you have with your child and the time you spend nurturing that child. So, I think we don’t have a lot of examples.  A lot of African-American males don’t have that person in our life, that father in our life, to spend the time to nurture and guide us though life’s challenges. So, in turn, we do the same when it comes down to our children.

Talibah: But you made a different choice, and I’m glad. Now, we haven’t always been in our groove. What were some of the more difficult times? What did you have to figure out to get through them?

Ed: I think a lot just came with time. The older I get, I realize, okay, it’s not just about me pursuing my career. I have to be present with my child. It’s about spending time to mentor him, to raise him, to be present with him when he’s with me.

Talibah: What about examples of some challenges that we came across in our co-parenting relationship and what you learned from them that might be helpful to other people.

Ed: I think the key challenge was communication. We have different ways of operating and different ways of handling his situations. For example, you tend to write things down and plan ahead, very far ahead at times. I tend to play it on a day-to-day weekly basis.  So, I think the biggest one was just figuring out a happy medium in our communication where you get what you need, I ultimately get what I need and above all, where our son wins.

Talibah: Let’s talk about you as a dad. Where have you stumbled, and how did that help you grow as a parent?

Read Part 2 of this interview to find out Ed’s answer.

Fatherhood Freestyle: Not Your Average Baby Daddy, Part I

My mother raised me and my older sister by herself. We had little means, lived in public housing, and like all parents, she always wanted and expected more for us. Throughout my childhood, I observed my mother as she ripped and ran, worked up to three jobs simultaneously, and developed no healthy romantic relationships (that I can remember, anyway). So as a kid, I made a commitment to myself that I was never going to be anybody’s “baby daddy.” Oh, how the universe has a way of telling us that we are so not in control. Well, kinda.

At 31, I am a single dad, but my story has a twist –a twist that has statistically become more common these days. I am the ballet and gymnastics dad, a man in a room full of middle-aged suburban moms who drive minivans. I set up play dates, I help other parents (usually moms) pick up their kids, and I arrange that expensive, draining, and anticlimactic birthday party every year. Hell, I even brought my daughter to get her first pedicure and sports bra….and I did this all as a full student struggling to make ends meet. Yup, these experiences as the custodial father of a nine-year-old girl have truly given me insight into my mother’s life as the prototypical single mother.

Although I am extremely comfortable in my role as a single father, there is one question that I am inevitably asked and still makes me squeamish: “So, what happened to her mother?” And, of course, there are always those who declare, “I do not see how a mother could leave her child. A little girl needs her mother.” Now, as a PhD psychologist with a dissertation on and specialized training in nontraditional parenting and youth development, I have plenty to say to those who truly believe daughters need their mothers more than their fathers, but I will refrain from doing so for the time being. Instead, I’ll tell the story about how I became a single dad, and why the process has made me a better man.

Imagine a 20-year-old black male studying abroad in the Dominican Republic with one more year of college. Now imagine this guy in what was supposed to be a fling with an American woman. That woman becomes pregnant, and now this man is less than a year away from becoming a “baby daddy”. That wasn’t me, only because I refused to be the average “baby daddy.” The rest is definitely me. However, my plan to avoid being labeled had one huge snag — I wasn’t in love with her. I told myself I would do anything short of marrying her in order to keep my promise to myself, even if it meant being in what I knew would be an unsatisfying relationship that was destined to deteriorate over time. So, she graduated a semester early, moved to the South where I was working on my Bachelors degree, and we shacked up while I took classes. A few months later, our baby was born, a beautiful little girl with an instant bond with her daddy.

I must admit I was a great father, but a horrible boyfriend. I was a willing participant in multiple “minor indiscretions,” and I was dismissive and uncaring toward her. I graduated soon thereafter; and even though I was not happy, I dragged her to a different state so I could attend graduate school. Our relationship suffered for a year or so and shortly after being laid off, she finally decided she’d had enough. She lacked emotional and social support, and she wanted to “be around family and friends” back north (her voiced desire to be closer to “family” is still quite ironic to me). Ever the negotiator, I convinced her that our then two-year-old would be better served by remaining with me. After all, I had purchased a home, my daughter was attending a great Spanish immersion preschool, and we were becoming part of the community. Furthermore, we both knew my daughter had a stronger bond with me. The feelings of elation and freedom I experienced as she walked to her car to make that long trip back home remain salient to this day. Also, I will never forget my daughter (what appeared to me to be) gleefully waving goodbye as her mother drove off in a packed car, only to turn to me and say “Daddy, I hungry” as I closed the house door. At that point, it seemed clear to me that my daughter could still have a “normal life” with me as the primary parent. In fact, I’d argue that she is much better off not having to grow up in a house where unhappy and unhealthy relationships are normalized and modeled. It was just my daughter and me, and I was excited to be the best dad I could be.

It is now 2009, and I cringe as I sit here writing about how I was in the relationship with my daughter’s mother. I have apologized, and sometimes I believe she forgives me. At other times, I am sure she hasn’t. After countless hours of reflecting over the past seven years, I have learned so much about myself — the good, the bad, and yes, the ugly. However, I believe I am a much better person, father, and partner because of it. And my daughter? Well, she is a well-adjusted, self-possessed, and opinionated “normal” nine-year-old girl.

As I navigate through single fatherhood, I realize it has been anything but easy. However, I am happy I can tell this story and confidently inform the naysayers that little girls need their fathers too.

We Have a Winner: Minding Your Money Book Giveaway

We’re excited to announce the winners of our Minding Your Money book giveaway.  Two WeParent readers will receive copies of Patricia Stallworth’s Minding Your Money: Personal Money Management & Investment Strategies.”

Patricia is a sought after advisor, coach, and educator who, for over 16 years, has been assisting people before, during and after the divorce process with managing, dividing, and growing their finances.  In Minding Your Money, she provides a step-by-step program designed to help you create the financial future you desire and deserve.

So, congratulations to these two lucky member of our WeParent family:

Catherine K. Bush-Longsworth
Alisa Kuumba

Be sure to check out some of Patricia’s tips for surviving the financial stress of the holidays here.  And, it’s not too late to register for her Build Your Wealth Blueprint teleseminar.

Thanks to everyone who entered!  Be on the lookout for more great giveaways from WeParent and Co-Parenting Matters!

On the Air: Navigating the Legal Process–Tonight on Co-Parenting Matters

Do you have legal questions about co-parenting, custody, child support, or other related issues? Join us this Sunday on for “Navigating the Legal Process” on “Co-Parenting Matters”, our live, talk show on BlogTalkRadio, co-hosted by Deesha Philyaw and Mike Thomas of CoParenting101.org. Learn about the family court system and strategies for minimizing negative impact on your children. Find out about alternatives to traditional family court. And, get your legal questions answered by our experts.

Our guests tonight are Amber Burton Small, Director of Business Development for the Indiana-based law firm, Jocham, Harden, Dimick & Jackson, and Dr. Arline Kerman of the Institute for Co-Parenting Resolution.

Can’t tune in? Post your question in the comments section, and we’ll be happy to ask it for you.

You Might Also Be Interested In:

Collaborative Family Law Keeps You out of Court

Words from the Wise: Should I Take Him to Court?

This Week on Co-Parenting Matters: Navigating the Legal Process

Do you have legal questions about co-parenting, custody, child support, or other related issues?  Join us this Sunday on for “Navigating the Legal Process” on “Co-Parenting Matters”, our live, talk show on BlogTalkRadio, co-hosted by Deesha Philyaw and Mike Thomas of CoParenting101.org.  Learn about the family court system and strategies for minimizing negative impact on your children. Find out about alternatives to traditional family court. And, get your legal questions answered by our experts.

Can’t tune in on Sunday night? Post your question in the comments section, and we’ll be happy to ask it for you.

You Might Also Be Interested In:

Collaborative Family Law Keeps You out of Court

Words from the Wise:  Should I Take Him to Court?

WeParent Wednesday: Speak Your Mind!

Show some love!

What’s one positive thing you can say about your child/ren’s other parent?

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