Fatherhood Freestyle: Not Your Average Baby Daddy, Part I
November 17, 2009 by Mike McRae
My mother raised me and my older sister by herself. We had little means, lived in public housing, and like all parents, she always wanted and expected more for us. Throughout my childhood, I observed my mother as she ripped and ran, worked up to three jobs simultaneously, and developed no healthy romantic relationships (that I can remember, anyway). So as a kid, I made a commitment to myself that I was never going to be anybody’s “baby daddy.” Oh, how the universe has a way of telling us that we are so not in control. Well, kinda.
At 31, I am a single dad, but my story has a twist –a twist that has statistically become more common these days. I am the ballet and gymnastics dad, a man in a room full of middle-aged suburban moms who drive minivans. I set up play dates, I help other parents (usually moms) pick up their kids, and I arrange that expensive, draining, and anticlimactic birthday party every year. Hell, I even brought my daughter to get her first pedicure and sports bra….and I did this all as a full student struggling to make ends meet. Yup, these experiences as the custodial father of a nine-year-old girl have truly given me insight into my mother’s life as the prototypical single mother.
Although I am extremely comfortable in my role as a single father, there is one question that I am inevitably asked and still makes me squeamish: “So, what happened to her mother?” And, of course, there are always those who declare, “I do not see how a mother could leave her child. A little girl needs her mother.” Now, as a PhD psychologist with a dissertation on and specialized training in nontraditional parenting and youth development, I have plenty to say to those who truly believe daughters need their mothers more than their fathers, but I will refrain from doing so for the time being. Instead, I’ll tell the story about how I became a single dad, and why the process has made me a better man.
Imagine a 20-year-old black male studying abroad in the Dominican Republic with one more year of college. Now imagine this guy in what was supposed to be a fling with an American woman. That woman becomes pregnant, and now this man is less than a year away from becoming a “baby daddy”. That wasn’t me, only because I refused to be the average “baby daddy.” The rest is definitely me. However, my plan to avoid being labeled had one huge snag — I wasn’t in love with her. I told myself I would do anything short of marrying her in order to keep my promise to myself, even if it meant being in what I knew would be an unsatisfying relationship that was destined to deteriorate over time. So, she graduated a semester early, moved to the South where I was working on my Bachelors degree, and we shacked up while I took classes. A few months later, our baby was born, a beautiful little girl with an instant bond with her daddy.
I must admit I was a great father, but a horrible boyfriend. I was a willing participant in multiple “minor indiscretions,” and I was dismissive and uncaring toward her. I graduated soon thereafter; and even though I was not happy, I dragged her to a different state so I could attend graduate school. Our relationship suffered for a year or so and shortly after being laid off, she finally decided she’d had enough. She lacked emotional and social support, and she wanted to “be around family and friends” back north (her voiced desire to be closer to “family” is still quite ironic to me). Ever the negotiator, I convinced her that our then two-year-old would be better served by remaining with me. After all, I had purchased a home, my daughter was attending a great Spanish immersion preschool, and we were becoming part of the community. Furthermore, we both knew my daughter had a stronger bond with me. The feelings of elation and freedom I experienced as she walked to her car to make that long trip back home remain salient to this day. Also, I will never forget my daughter (what appeared to me to be) gleefully waving goodbye as her mother drove off in a packed car, only to turn to me and say “Daddy, I hungry” as I closed the house door. At that point, it seemed clear to me that my daughter could still have a “normal life” with me as the primary parent. In fact, I’d argue that she is much better off not having to grow up in a house where unhappy and unhealthy relationships are normalized and modeled. It was just my daughter and me, and I was excited to be the best dad I could be.
It is now 2009, and I cringe as I sit here writing about how I was in the relationship with my daughter’s mother. I have apologized, and sometimes I believe she forgives me. At other times, I am sure she hasn’t. After countless hours of reflecting over the past seven years, I have learned so much about myself — the good, the bad, and yes, the ugly. However, I believe I am a much better person, father, and partner because of it. And my daughter? Well, she is a well-adjusted, self-possessed, and opinionated “normal” nine-year-old girl.
As I navigate through single fatherhood, I realize it has been anything but easy. However, I am happy I can tell this story and confidently inform the naysayers that little girls need their fathers too.
Fatherhood Freestyle: Mamas, Are You Getting in the Way?
Fatherhood Freestyle: You Are the Prize
Fatherhood Freestyle: Honoring Mothers
Fanon Wilkins on Wed, 18th Nov 2009 2:15 am
Wow what a lovely piece. Have things changed over time with regard to your daughter’s interests and or connection to her Mom? How do you negotiate introducing other romantic interests into your daughter’s life? Thanks for sharing–this took guts:)
Deesha on Wed, 18th Nov 2009 6:43 am
Dr. Mike, I echo Fanon’s compliments and questions!
Thank you for writing such an honest piece about your fatherhood and co-parenting experience. So often we get the good or the bad or the ugly, but here you remind us that our parenting relationships are complex and ever-evolving. I look forward to reading more from you!
Andrea on Wed, 18th Nov 2009 6:52 am
Wonderful Mike. Holly sent me the link to this today and I very much enjoyed reading it. I can certainly attest to the great bond between you and Amari. Indeed, Juliana has been asking about her. Hope all is well.
Holly on Wed, 18th Nov 2009 7:28 am
Great piece, Mike! Very thoughtful and honest. I hope you’ll share your secrets to raising confident, self-empowered girls — that Amari is a rockstar!!
Samantha on Wed, 18th Nov 2009 7:38 am
Dr. Mike I applaud your honesty and openness concerning your life and fatherhood. It’s awesome how you’ve embraced your role and allowed the experience to help you evolve into a good black, no, a good MAN.
I admire your mission to educate and motivate other men to embrace a different way of thinking and acting toward the children they bring into this world. I’m sure we will all be better off.
I agree with your sentiment that it’s better for a child to be in a happy home with on parent versus being in a miserable two-parent home. Of course two parent are ideal but we don’t live in that kind of world. I made that same decision for my children and they too are well adjusted, self-possesed, and all too opinionated as well, LOL!
Talibah Mbonisi on Wed, 18th Nov 2009 10:40 pm
Fanon: Like you, I have a whole list of questions for Dr. Mike! And, I think this was a really courageous post. I’m looking forward to more, Mike!
Mike on Thu, 19th Nov 2009 4:16 am
Thank you all for reading my post. I’m happy everyone has lots of questions because I definitely plan to answer them in my upcoming posts. I have a lot of experiences and thoughts I want to share on this site, and I feel pretty confident some of them will generate some good discussion. I plan to keep it 100% and with this first post behind me, I’m ready to go full throttle.
Thanks Holly and Andrea — Amari and I miss you all, but we’ll be back visiting soon enough!
Laura Hackett on Thu, 19th Nov 2009 9:00 am
Hi Dr. Mike
What a great piece … I can attest that you have really been such a great example for Amari and for other parents out there. I couldn’t believe that you were planning on raising a daughter AND going through all that school, but somehow you managed amazingly well.
I remember a conversation we have in grade school where you were already voicing your excitement to have children so I knew that once Amari was born you were going to put your whole heart into it!
Great piece! Can’t wait to read more!
Nana on Thu, 19th Nov 2009 9:39 am
Can’t believe this is the little guy who would come down the street whistling and knocking at our door (as we watched him from the top of the stairs!) That little boy has grown to be a man, one that we are all proud of. I smiled through the whole article. I hope other fathers read this and take heart. It can be done! It’s good reading for women too! I’ll be looking for other posts from you..
Dannette Miller on Thu, 19th Nov 2009 9:50 am
Mike,
Wow, I think for all who read this they will man or woman take a close look at themselves.
Dannette
Mike on Thu, 19th Nov 2009 11:27 am
I forgot to say no comments from family…lol.
Cherry on Thu, 19th Nov 2009 4:40 pm
Wonderful Dr Mike,
I enjoy your article very much and not only about how great you are as a father because truly you are, but also how you expressed your wrong doing as will in the relationship not pointing fingers and or judging her for the realtionship or not so much realtionship but being honest about not being emotionally in love with her and not making the mistake to marry because society think that is the way you should go once you have kids rather your in love or not. I admire you. Well done! I can’t wait for part 2.
Freda on Thu, 19th Nov 2009 5:56 pm
Mike, what an excellent article! I knew bits and pieces of your story but it’s great to learn more from your consistently genuine perspective. I can tell CA has been good for you and Amari! Don’t forget your buddies as you ascend to new heights.
Hugo Ramirez on Thu, 19th Nov 2009 9:01 pm
Dr. Mike, it has been great to hear your story over the past few months in Cali. Indeed, I am glad that you have arrived in Cali! Its like, throughout my whole life, my thoughts and feelings have always been distinctive compared to others. I am glad to of have met you! First time calling your Dr, I know, but after this post, you have earned my bow. A great man indeed, for I have seen it and have told you repeatedly that you’re a great father and how much Amari loves you. You are my mentor, debater, and friend.
Hugo Ramirez
Gina McRae on Fri, 20th Nov 2009 7:44 am
Hey cuz I never knew the story behind it and I never asked but you are truly a remarkable father and Im sure when Amari gets older she will realize that the decision you made was the best for you and her….love you and keep doing a GREAT job being a dad…
Lisa Maria Carroll on Sat, 21st Nov 2009 11:40 am
It’s the candor and honesty of this post that make me love my WeParent family so much.
Getting married or staying together for the sake of the child is CRAZY. Take it from someone who got married while she was pregnant, and lived a miserable life until I finally put an end to the madness.
Like the other commenters, I’m looking forward to the other interviews.
Aunt Lila on Sun, 22nd Nov 2009 2:17 pm
Michael, this article was great!!!!! I laughed, cryed and smiled. Yes, you are doing a fantastic job of raising your daughter and you make me proud. I know your mother is proud and I know you always tell me, Aunt Lila, “You can now call me Dr. Mike”, and you can believe I will from now on. I am so happy for you and the journey that you are on. Continue on the road to success and let’s continue to have those great discussion we have. As I always say, stay prayerful and I love you.
Aunt Lila
Aunt Lila on Sun, 22nd Nov 2009 2:21 pm
Mike, Bravo, I appauld you.
Love Aunt Li
Stefanie T on Tue, 24th Nov 2009 7:15 am
hey michael,
i dont know if you remember me but Im Linda’s daughter from Ursula place (CT), just wanted to say the article was amazing and we hear about you all the time from Blanche! (love her) Seems all is well and I wish you the best!
Stefanie
Stefanie K. on Tue, 24th Nov 2009 6:15 pm
What a thoughtful, realistic, and inspiring blog. So how have you been able to model/expose your daughter to happy and healthy relationships?
John DaRosa on Thu, 3rd Dec 2009 10:34 pm
Michael,
I am extremely proud of you. To think I knew you as a young lad and having no idea you would be a Doctor with a PhD. This is awesome, you are a great example of what our young men should be. May GOD continue showering his BLESSING on you and also your daughter.
I will share this with others if you don’t mind, especially with some young fellow’s I know that really need this advise.
Hope you didn’t mind your Mom sharing this with me. It needs to be told over and over.
My daughter Nikki lives in Raleigh, NC also. When visit her I will look you up.
Take care and GOD BLESS,
John DaRosa
carol scates on Tue, 22nd Dec 2009 8:34 am
What a wonderful story! A girl’s relationship with her father will affect her as an adult. When I was a child, whenever I was around my dad (he was called daddy then!) I remember feeling safe, secure, feminine and loved. I couldn’t articulate that then, but I remember that now as a grown-up. The daddy – daughter relationship also affected my future relationships with men – which was good. I was treated as a little princess then, by both my dad and my grandfather. So as an adult, I absorbed the fact that I was supposed to be treated with love and respect. So many of my fgirl friends who didn’t have a positive relationship with their fathers seemed to suffer in negative relationships with their boyfriends.
Mike on Tue, 22nd Dec 2009 9:15 am
@carol — I agree with you wholeheartedly, and actually plan to do some writing about this in future posts. Thanks for commenting.
If you have not already, you should check out weparent.com’s show on “Dad Raising Daughters” (http://www.blogtalkradio.com/coparentingmatters/2009/12/14/dads-raising-daughters). It was awesome!
Tina on Sat, 10th Jul 2010 6:00 pm
Hi Mike! Even though I knew you from the time of your life when all of this was going on, I had no idea. It’s great to read your story. Thank you for being so honest and open about your story.
Tina
Crystal Anderson on Mon, 26th Jul 2010 11:04 pm
Mike, after reading your article, I thought of several individuals who could learn vicariously from your stance on fatherhood. After meeting you in L.A. and learning that you were a single-parent father caring for your daughter, I have gained a much deeper respect for fathers in general – especially ones who care. I have already passed on the article to a few people who I believe will benefit from it. Thank you for being a great father to your daughter!