10 Things To Say To Your Children During Your Divorce

In his last article, Wolfgang Gruener of SingleParentGossip shared 10 things not to say to your kids during your divorce.  This time, he’s back with 10 things you actually should say:

Be realistic: It will be a difficult conversation and you need to be prepared as much as you can. Make sure your children are the first ones to know about the separation.  They should not learn about it from others. When you first talk to them, set enough time aside and create a calm setting, with both parents being present. You need to limit your discussion to the most pressing topics. Do not overwhelm them with information.

Follow a certain set of ground rules during your conversation: Plan ahead with your spouse.  Be truthful, but avoid inappropriate topics such as child custody or child support payments. Be respectful to the other parent, keep your emotions in check and do not yell. Be sensitive to how they react to the news.  Listen to your children and hear their fears and concerns. Welcome their questions.  Plan more discussions with your children.

Depending on where you are in the divorce proceedings, there are a few important things you need to tell your children, and reemphasize to them during the divorce and even later on.

1. Mom and dad are separating because …
In some cases, this may be a very easy topic to talk about, in others it may be very difficult. Be aware that many children of divorce are unhappy about the fact that they were never told a reason for the divorce of their parents. Be truthful, but, of course, you cannot mention reasons such as adultery. In such a case you will need to find a different, more general reason such as that you have differences you cannot agree on. You may be angry at your (ex-) spouse for his/her infidelity, but this is not the right time to tell your children. They will find out themselves when they are older. It is also important to remember that you do not have to mention that you and your partner do not love each other anymore.

2. Mom and dad can be better parents when they live in different homes.
This is closely connected to the explanation of why you are separating and it will introduce your children to the upcoming change that there will be two differenthomes. You can elaborate on this topic further down the road and explain that there will be rules that are the same in mom’s and dad’s house, but some may be different.

3. Things are going to be different, but we will work as a team to make them ok.
Typically, the advice is to tell your children that “everything will be ok”. We do not agree with this phrase, simply because you cannot promise your children that everything will be ok. The fact is that not everything will be ok and your children will be very aware of the promises you make. There will be change. There will be different homes. There will be problems. Instead of telling them that things will be just ok, make sure that your children know that you are in control and they do not have to worry. Never make any promises you cannot keep!

4. It is not your fault.
Children often blame themselves for a divorce and they believe it is something that happened because of their actions. It is critical that you reassure them that the divorce is not their fault.

5. Mom and dad will not marry each other again.
Your children will ask you whether you and your spouse will remarry. Remove the illusion that mom and dad will get together and marry again. Your children need to understand that the divorce is final and they are moving into a new phase of their life. You need to remove confusion and uncertainty. Create an environment they can understand and provide stability as quickly as possible. You may feel that it is easier to tell your children that mom and dad may get back together at some point again, but you have to be honest to yourself that this is rather unlikely. Remember: Do not make promises you cannot keep.

MamaSpeak: It Takes a Village to Support Co-Parents

Many people became familiar with the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child,” after Hillary Clinton popularized the African proverb in 1996. “Indeed, Clinton’s use of that particular proverb is one of the best known examples of American politicians borrowing from ancient, African intelligence,” says Dr. Askhari Hodari, author of Lifelines: The Black Book of Proverbs. Acknowledging Clinton’s debt to African wisdom, Hodari says, “This proverb actually originated with the Kiswahili speaking people of East Africa and from the area in West Africa now known as Nigeria. Even all these years later, this popular proverb communicates an important message to direct and guide parents.”

And,my son’s father and I are among them. Over the course of our co-parenting relationship, we have found that looking to the village for help and support has made co-parenting easier. Whether it’s to family, friends, teachers or coaches, we make sure our commitment to co-parenting is clear, and we ask for help in fulfilling that commitment. Assistance might come in the form of an agreement to communicate with both of us, learning our son’s schedule, respecting us as co-parents or just lending an understanding ear when the challenges of co-parenting join forces with Murphy’s Law.

For us, it means that our son’s piano teacher actually knows who he’s with on which days and works with that parent to schedule lessons, minimizing the need for either of us to act as the middle-person. His soccer coach texts and emails both of us with team-related messages. And, his teacher works with us to arrange parent-teacher meetings that work for both of us. It also means that both our families respect the parenting time schedule we’ve agreed upon and coordinate with the appropriate parent to schedule activities with our son. Sure, all of this support means that logistics are much easier to manage than before we really embraced this idea of village-supported co-parenting, but it has also resulted in a lot less conflict around logistics. (Somebody say, “Amen!”)

So, here are a few ways we help the village help us; maybe they’ll work for you, too:

• Be up front about the fact that we are co-parenting and sometimes need help. I won’t hesitate to explain to the kind ladies in our son’s school office that I have a co-parenting dilemma and could use their help. The dilemma might be that I’d like to leave medication that my son needs to take to his father’s house with them rather than leave it in his backpack. If they can, given their time and the school policies, they will always help.

• Provide coaches, teachers, etc. with contact information for both parents AND specifically request that they communicate with both of us. Usually, this means that we’re both getting the same information at the same time…the good, the bad and the ugly. This way, we’re both on the same page. And, one of us doesn’t carry the burden of knowing and therefore managing everything.

• Share the parenting time schedule with both parents’ families, teachers, coaches, etc., so everyone understands and respects the “on duty” parent as the primary point of contact during their scheduled time. While you certainly can’t expect others to memorize your schedule, our experience has been that just knowing that there is a schedule will at least trigger the question, “Now, who is he with on Thursdays?” which then leads to a conversation with the appropriate parent. For us, this means family, too. Our families are both willing to communicate not only with the parent who’s related to them, but also with the parent whose time they might be interested in “borrowing.” Our families even have access to the shared online calendar we use to manage our schedule.

• Expand the village by sharing resources. Whether it’s a connection to the parent of a great playdate or a fabulous babysitter, we’ve found that sharing some of our individual resources adds to the richness of our village.

Even though it may not feel like it sometimes, the truth is, we don’t have to do this alone. It may be family, coaches, dance instructors, doctors, neighbors or our church community; whatever the form, the village is there to support us. We just have to let it. And, in case you forget, here are a couple more proverbs from Lifelines to remind you, courtesy of Dr. Hodari:

Cross the river in a crowd and the crocodile won’t eat you.
—Africa

When the load fatigues the head, the shoulder takes over.
—Nigeria (Igbo)

So, WeParent family, who’s in your village?  How do they help you?  And, how do you help them help you?

Fatherhood Freestyle: When Do You Introduce “The Next”?

I’ve been single since 2000, and in that time my kids, current ages 26 and 19, have been introduced to a total one of my girlfriends! Have I only had one girlfriend? Heck no! But, only one made the cut to actually meet my kids. Let me clarify that. Early on I decided that there would be no revolving door of dates/women/boos or spoogies that my children would come to know while I searched for the next great love of my life. I remembered movies like Claudine, Kramer vs Kramer and even The Parent Trap. No one was meeting my kids unless they were someone–someone special, someone who would be around for the long haul.

I remembered my own childhood with my mom’s string of suitors…”This is Mr. Joe,..This is Harold…This is Uncle Bobby – who was clearly no relative I’d ever seen. I remembered that they all were of no significance to me; they were just the one at the time. I did form attachments to some, the ones who appeared to take a genuine interest in me, and who weren’t too creepy. But, even that became something for me to temper and be cautious about, because just ‘cause I liked them didn’t mean that my mom would keep them around. So, I’d meet and greet, superficially interact and watch to see how long they would last. And, I resolved that my kids would not have that experience.

The reactions to my position were varied, much to my surprise, ranging from agreement,–“I fully get that and support you”; to not so subtle manipulation–“I’ll know you love me when you introduce me to your kids”; to flat out rejection–“I’m not going to be second place behind your children.” Keep it moving, Sister! These experiences were confirmation for me that I’d made the right choice. I needed to keep these women at bay until I met Ms. Right, the one who would be my next wife.

So six years went by before I met and attempted to introduce my kids to a woman who met my criteria. On several levels I thought it was time, six years had gone by, several candidates had come and gone, and I was ready to broach the subject. In fact, my son had given me permission two years back saying, “ Dad, if you and Mom aren’t going to get back together, I think you should date; ‘cause I want you to be happy. In fact, how about her?” as he pointed to some attractive woman at the ATM. My son, gotta love him. So, when I met X who I felt was special and could be the one, I decided to act. I called my ex first to inform her of my decision and put her on alert for possible reactions from the kids. I also felt this was the right thing to do out of respect. I didn’t owe this and I wasn’t asking for permission, but this was a decision that would affect our children for whom we both cared. I then told both of my kids I had met someone and wanted them to meet her. They agreed, and we arranged to meet for dinner.

As the time drew closer, and I called my son to tell him I was on my way to pick him up, he admitted to me he was a little anxious about this and asked me to take my time. Five minutes later he called to say he was ok and ready. He was obviously nervous at first but appeared to loosen up and relax. On the other hand, my daughter, who’d agreed to meet us at the restaurant, never showed up. She didn’t respond to calls or text messages, and it was months before we came to some resolution on this matter. Without going into the details, it was clear that time alone hadn’t healed all wounds.

The incident validated my fears about how my kids would accept being introduced to another woman. But are my fears valid? I accept that the introduction of a third party to children after a divorce can be and usually is a slippery slope, but does delaying contact help? My rationale had been to delay and wait until there was someone significant. But another reason was my own fear of screwing up the delicate peace and appearance of balance I had with my children, as I lived outside of ‘their’ house.

I don’t believe I was wrong for waiting and limiting my kids’ exposure to the ups and downs of my dating experiences. But,I wonder if I also created a ‘that’s my daddy monster’ in the process. I’m beginning to feel that normalizing the reality of mom and dad having other people in their lives through discussion and maybe even addressing it in counseling, if that is appropriate, could help.

In case you hadn’t figured it out yet, I’m no expert; I don’t have THE answer. In fact, I’m looking for as much dialogue and input as I can get. See, I’ve met the next Ms. Right and I…well, you get the picture. Please offer thoughts, opinions, comments, I’ll even take bad advice…

What/when do you think is the right way to introduce ”The Next”?

Helping Kids Cope…Tonight on “Co-Parenting Matters”

Tonight at 9:30 PM EST on our Co-Parenting Matters show “Helping Kids Cope”, on BlogTalk Radio, we’ll be joined by Carolyn Grona, a grown up child of divorce and the founder of TheGrownUpChild.ca, a site “for the grown up child of divorce – a practical guide and place to rant.” We’ll talk about the impact that parental conflict has on children and some strategies for easing the experience of divorce, separation, and two household living on kids. In addition to our friend and co-host Deesha Philyaw of CoParenting101.org, we’ll also be joined by parenting coordinator and mental health counselor Brooke Randolph.

Check out this recent interview that CoParenting101 did with Carolyn.  In Part I she reflects on her experiences as a child of divorce. She talks about the impact of her parents’ remarriages; how her experience as a child of divorce influences her relationship and parenting experiences; and why kids don’t want to hear the gory details of their parents’ break up. In Part II, Carolyn talks very candidly about things her parents did well in the wake of their break-up; things she wishes they’d done differently; and her fears as a child of divorce. She also offers advice to co-parents and children of divorce.

Minding Your Money Giveaway!

You heard it first on “Co-Parenting Matters”! We’re giving away a copy of Patricia Stallworth’s Minding Your Money: Personal Money Management & Investment Strategies.”

Patricia is a sought after advisor, coach, and educator who, for over 16 years, has been assisting people before, during and after the divorce process with managing, dividing, and growing their finances. On this week’s “Co-Parenting Matters”, Patricia shared tips for surviving the financial stress of the holidays. You can check out some of the tips here.

In Minding Your Money, she provides a step-by-step program designed to help you create the financial future you desire and deserve. And, we’re thrilled to be able to give a copy to one lucky member of our WeParent family.

Enter to win by leaving a comment here before 11:59pm EST on Saturday, November 14^th, 2009, telling why you’d like your own copy of Minding Your Money. We’ll announce the winner on Co-Parenting Matters on Sunday, November 15^th, and right here on WeParent.com!

‘Tis the Season to Spend…or Not

Believe it or not, the holidays are right around the corner and you know what that means – lots of toys, presents, and extra expenses. If you didn’t plan for your holiday expenses in advance, you may be tempted to rely on spending now and paying later. But that may not be your smartest move, especially if you don’t want to start the New Year with extra debt.

So what can you do to share the joys of the holidays without breaking the bank? Here’s a five-step plan to get you started:

1. Create a holiday budget. Take a look at what’s coming in, what’s going out for household expenses, and what’s left over. The amount left over is the maximum amount of extra money you can afford to spend for the holidays, plus any savings you have accumulated for the holidays. If you must to go beyond your budget, make a commitment to pay off holiday debt as quickly as possible so that you don’t end up paying a lot more for the items you purchased because of added interest or other carrying charges.

2. Find out everyone’s wish list. Don’t guess. Ask your kids what they really want for Christmas and then discuss their wants and needs with your ex to see what their plans are. If you can work together you can prevent duplicate gifts, the need to compete during the holidays, and your kids can get things they want and need. In some cases, this may even mean going in with your ex to purchase gifts for the kids instead of making separate purchases.

3. Create a list of everyone you plan to buy gifts for, assign a dollar amount to each one (based on the budget you created in Step 1), and shop early. In the case of your kids, don’t get upset if you can’t afford to buy everything on their list. However, if possible, purchase at least one item that is important to them. Whether you decide to get one large item or several small ones, stick to your budget. Sales should be everywhere this year, so take your time and look for ones on the items you want. And don’t be afraid to ask for a price reduction if you find something that’s not on sale. Many stores are willing to bargain and some are offering options like lay-away that can make your holiday shopping easier. By starting early you have a better chance of getting what you want at a reasonable price.
   
4. Don’t forget to celebrate the reason for the season. This usually doesn’t cost very much, and If there was ever a family season, this is it. Sometimes we get so caught up in the commercialism of the holidays that we forget to celebrate the real reason for Christmas. Spend time with your family and participate in family activities, share stories about what Christmas was like when you were a kid, and take your kids to visit family and friends they may not see too often. Make the holidays about family. This will create memories that will be much more precious than things you buy.

5. Plan and prepare for next year as soon as the holidays are over. Choose an amount that you would like to have available for next Christmas, divide that amount by 12, and set aside that amount of money each month in a savings account. This will allow you to relax and enjoy the festivities of the season without the burden of having to pay for it in the coming year.

Happy Holidays!

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