Real Families: Meet My Co-Parent, Part 2

This is Part 2 of a 4-part interview with my very own co-parent, Ed Banuel.  In Part 1, he talked about how we became co-parents, how having an absent father impacted him and our challenges as co-parents.  In this second installment, he talks about growing as a father and dating as a single, co-parenting dad.

Talibah: Let’s talk about you as a dad. Where have you stumbled, and how did that help you grow as a parent?

Ed: I stumbled in a lot of areas. Financially, I was stumbling. When you are trying to get things going with your career and get the black cloud over your head of being financially in debt, sometimes, financially you will lack. And I have lacked. It wasn’t that I wasn’t present and there for him, spending time with him, but financially I was lacking across the board.

It took some time to just really figure it out, be really real with myself and figure out how to really provide for my child, how to make a better life for him and for me. I think that took some time for me. I had some challenges with that, but I feel like presently, it’s a better situation. I think a lot of it is just life challenges that you come across and you’ve just got to figure out a way to get through them without impacting your child and your child’s care.

Talibah: The financial stuff is a big one. There were times when I was giving you a hard time about it, but one of the things that stands out for me is that it wasn’t an excuse for you to stop being a dad. You really understood, it seemed, that that’s not all parenting is. A lot of fathers, especially now with the economy the way it is, can’t afford to pay child support and take care of themselves. So, for the mother taking care of the child, that creates an economic burden and sometimes that’s where the conflict occurs.

Ed: I think there may not be the best communication all the time. And, it can be challenging communication when one person feels like they are carrying all the expenses, even though the other person is trying. I’m glad we were able to at least talk about it and I could say, “Hey, this is what I’m able to do. This is what you’re able to do. I don’t want to stop my parental responsibilities, even though this is my situation. And I’m really trying to do the best I can do. This is what I’m able to contribute right now, but I still want to be present and be a father to my kid.”

Truth be told in any relationship, sometimes there is a shift. We were operating as co-parents, but even in a marriage, sometimes a spouse may lose their job or become ill, and someone has to handle more of the responsibilities. I think it comes down to just teamwork, communication and teamwork.

I think that’s what I’m most proud about our relationship. Through it all, and I know we’ve had our battles, but ultimately, we had great communication. I think we’ve operated as a team, and that’s why we are where we are. I think that’s why things have become better, and they will continue to get better.

Talibah: Right. We may not know for a long time how our split affected our son. But, I wonder, how do you imagine he thinks about or experiences our relationship?

Ed: Honestly, this is all he knows right now because he is so young. When we were together, he was what?

Talibah: Actually about 2-1/2.

Ed: So, basically all of his present life, what he can totally process of it, this is all he knows. He knows that daddy has his house, mommy has her house, and he never sees us acting a fool with each other. We show each other respect, even though we may have disagreements, but we’re never disrespectful. And when he is disrespectful to one of us, we make it clear to him that it’s unacceptable. So we try to look like a united front in front of him. I think he’s not really missing a beat by us functioning as co-parents.

Talibah: I think for me, he seems like a happy kid. If he doesn’t know anything else, I think the good thing is that he knows that he is really deeply loved by both of his parents.

Ed: Yeah. He has variety. The only downside of the co-parenting situation as it pertains to him is that kids, they try to connive you. They try to get over on one parent. For example, yesterday I was putting up his electric scooter and he mentioned that he wants to get the 15 mph electric scooter. I said, “No, you’re not.” He said, “Uh huh. Mommy is going to get me one.” I said, “No, she’s not.” And he said, “Uh huh.” I said, “Okay. Well I’m just letting you know that if you keep that tone up, you’re not going to not only ride this scooter, but you’re going to be completely shut down on both households.”

Talibah: He’s lucky I didn’t shut down that one. I don’t want my child riding an electric scooter!  Anyway, let’s talk about dating.

Ed: Uh huh.

Talibah: Fun. Right? I want to know what your experience has been dating as a single co-parenting dad. We have a kind of a relationship that a lot of people aren’t really used to. We communicate regularly. We actually like each other, expect to be involved fully in our child’s life.

Almost a year ago now, you were in a serious relationship and dating someone who actually had kids as well. What was that like?

Ed: I think the biggest challenge I’ve faced in the past with dating is just that they didn’t understand that we’re just friends. It’s no more, no less. I’m not trying to date you and then date my baby’s mom. I think a lot of times people didn’t understand. They misinterpreted our friendship, our relationship, as something more, and it presented some challenges.

I think a lot of times, either A, people, especially if they had children, they didn’t have that type of relationship with their children’s father; and B, if they didn’t have children, that was not the example that they were used to seeing where two co-parents really actually got along, really could talk and communicate with each other without a whole bunch of drama.

Talibah: Right.

Ed: That was some of my challenge. In terms of you dating whomever or I’m dating whomever, I personally feel like we’ve never had issues with that. It’s just a matter of as long as the person respected our child and wasn’t doing anything to hurt or harm our child. I think we both gave each other enough room to manage that, manage our own individual relationships versus stepping in and saying okay this person needs to be doing that, that person needs to be doing that. That wasn’t necessary.

Talibah Mbonisi, founder of WeParent, is a Marketer by trade, a problem solver by nature and a mother by grace. She is also an unmarried co-parent navigating the path that will lead to a happy, healthy son, and a fulfilled, balanced Mama and Daddy.

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