Real Families: Meet My Co-Parent, Part I
November 18, 2009 by Talibah Mbonisi
I am thrilled to be featuring my son’s father and my co-parent, right here in our “Real Families” column. I had the pleasure of interviewing him about our co-parenting relationship, his experience as a father who is co-parenting and anything else he thought would be relevant to our readers. Turns out that he had a lot to say, so this is Part I of a four-part series.
WeParent Family, meet my co-parent, Ed Banuel…
Talibah: Now, we know that my truth is not always the whole truth about the relationship. So, I want to give our readers the opportunity to hear about this co-parenting journey from you. So, how would you describe our co-parenting relationship?
Ed: Well, I think the best way to describe our co-parenting relationship is by saying that we’ve grown a lot. I feel like we have officially gotten to a place where we are in our groove. It is constantly work in progress, will always be work in progress. I don’t believe any relationship is perfect, but I think we are in a place where we have an understanding of how to make it work for the benefit of our son.
Talibah: What do you see as the biggest issues that we had to work through to get to this point?
Ed:` I think the biggest issue was understanding that we as individuals are constantly evolving. Where I am today at age 34 is not where I was at age 25 or 26. And, even though we both had great parents–I have a great mom; and you have a great mom and dad–there is really no blueprint for how to raise a child and deal with a co-parenting situation. You know? And, the fact that our son was conceived very early on in our relationship posed another set of challenges. So I feel like it was a journey, but I think now we are finally in the place where we know how to communicate and move through the challenges.
Talibah: So what was that like finding out that someone you’d only known briefly was pregnant with your kid?
Ed: Well, it was scary. It was scary because we didn’t really know each other, I mean, we were kind of forced to have to deal with the good, the bad and the ugly. I was still trying to find my way with my career, working at a 9 to 5 that was a cool job but wasn’t my passion and then also pursuing my film career and just trying to figure out the way to provide for myself. Then add on top of that another level of complexity of finding out I was expecting a child.
I was in a whirlwind, but I felt like you were responsible; and I felt like you were mature enough that we’d definitely be able to work this out and try to give it a good effort to make it work.
Talibah: When I told you, we didn’t just jump in to “Let’s live together, let’s be officially boyfriend and girlfriend, let’s get engaged,” but we did promise each other that we would always work on our friendship and do the best we could to partner in parenting our son. What was it that made you decide to actually try to build a relationship?
Ed: I felt whenever I had a child, I was going to be there because of the absence of my father. There was never any doubt in my mind that I was going to be there and be committed to raising my child. So, outside of me, of course, really liking you, that was one of the reasons that kept me there. The idea of another man raising my child and me not being there was a big fear of mine. And, that was never going to happen.
Talibah: How do you think you father’s not being there has affected your experience of fatherhood and your growing into the father you are today?
Ed: You know, as a child, you don’t understand why your father or your mother may not be there for you. As an adult, I realized it didn’t have anything to do with me or my sister. It was a personal decision that he made, and there were some issues that he has to resolve with himself.
Seeing my mom raising me, her endless dedication, commitment, her sacrifice…She played the role of a mother and father; she had no other choice. That was instilled in me at an early age, and as a result, I felt like I had to without question show the same level of commitment to my son.
Talibah: You say she didn’t have a choice, but she did. Your father made a different choice. Why do you think so many fathers in particular are absent from their children, absent from their children’s lives?
Ed: I think a lot of it is not having examples. Life burdens just kind of take over, and we feel like we can’t provide for our child if X, Y and Z is not in place and not right. I just feel like a lot of fathers don’t have positive examples of what a good father is. And, half the time, it’s not just about money, because you can be a very wealthy man and not be a good father. It’s about that relationship you have with your child and the time you spend nurturing that child. So, I think we don’t have a lot of examples. A lot of African-American males don’t have that person in our life, that father in our life, to spend the time to nurture and guide us though life’s challenges. So, in turn, we do the same when it comes down to our children.
Talibah: But you made a different choice, and I’m glad. Now, we haven’t always been in our groove. What were some of the more difficult times? What did you have to figure out to get through them?
Ed: I think a lot just came with time. The older I get, I realize, okay, it’s not just about me pursuing my career. I have to be present with my child. It’s about spending time to mentor him, to raise him, to be present with him when he’s with me.
Talibah: What about examples of some challenges that we came across in our co-parenting relationship and what you learned from them that might be helpful to other people.
Ed: I think the key challenge was communication. We have different ways of operating and different ways of handling his situations. For example, you tend to write things down and plan ahead, very far ahead at times. I tend to play it on a day-to-day weekly basis. So, I think the biggest one was just figuring out a happy medium in our communication where you get what you need, I ultimately get what I need and above all, where our son wins.
Talibah: Let’s talk about you as a dad. Where have you stumbled, and how did that help you grow as a parent?
Read Part 2 of this interview to find out Ed’s answer.
Real Families: Meet My Co-Parent, Part 4
Holly on Wed, 18th Nov 2009 7:36 am
You and Ed each seem to work hard to understand and respect the other, and look for win-win solutions that honor your son. You’ve got to really check egos at the door to do this well. Hmmm. . . I think that can be a lot easier to do when you don’t live with your children’s other parent!
Talibah Mbonisi on Wed, 18th Nov 2009 10:47 pm
Holly: Thanks for the kind words about Ed and me. Trust that it was (I have the nastigrams to prove it) and continues to be a journey. I don’t know if it’s easier, because we don’t live together. I think the dynamics are just different. I wish it were easier, then maybe more parents would be consciously, proactively and positively co-parenting. What I’m pretty certain of is that many of the issues that tripped us up as co-parents were issues when we were living together. So, co-parenting isn’t just about divorce/separation/two households. Many married couples could stand to work on this, too.
Lisa Maria Carroll on Mon, 23rd Nov 2009 8:29 am
Talibah, Did you and Ed do this interview in person or over-the-phone? If in person, how do you get to that place where you’re comfortable enough sitting in the same room, having a civilized conversation about something other than your child without someone feeling some sort of attraction? That’s hard for men and women to do even when they don’t have a child together.
I agree that married parents could benefit from co-parenting training. Why not get training that will keep families together rather than piece things together after the break up?
Talibah Mbonisi on Mon, 23rd Nov 2009 10:00 am
Lisa: This interview was over the phone, but he lives 10 minutes from me and I see and speak to him regularly, even about deeper things than this. For me, the fact is just that as much as I love Ed as my friend and parenting partner, I’m over our relationship. As difficult as it may be to believe, my perception of him is no longer as a romantic partner, so those feelings just don’t come up for me. I can’t speak for him, but I can say that since before he moved out, Ed and I have never so much as held hands. We didn’t make our decision to split lightly and we respected it once we made it, even when other people may not have. I’ll ask him for his take on this. Additionally, if we had been sitting there attracted to one another, I don’t know that that would matter. Attraction is. So what? Meaning that mature adults can sit in the same space feeling attraction and still handle business, respect boundaries and be powerful unromantic partners, at least that has been my experience. We can’t erase attraction, so we let it be and keep it moving.
And, I agree with your point that we should support the healing of relationships when the parents are together. Of course, this isn’t that site, but I applaud and support the tremendous work being done all over that focuses on doing just that, sites like Black and Married with Children, and programs like the Program for Strong African-American Marriage are just two. But, I know that what my family needs right now is to learn how to create an environment where we can be whole and loved and powerful in our current form. My hope is that through the growth and work that Ed and I do in our parenting partnership and subsequent romantic, and perhaps marital, relationships, our son *will* be able to choose and maintain a happy-ever-after relationship with the “right” partner.
Deesha on Mon, 23rd Nov 2009 1:43 pm
**If in person, how do you get to that place where you’re comfortable enough sitting in the same room, having a civilized conversation about something other than your child without someone feeling some sort of attraction?**
While everybody is different, I think in some cases the attraction fades, or it just morphs into something else. I see my ex as a platonic friend now. Or, the attraction remains, and you just don’t act on it.
That said, your question doesn’t surprise me because some “ex” couples/co-parents continue with the booty calls long after the relationship is allegedly over. However, for some of us, it’s a clean break. It was easy for me; I know for other people, it’s hard not to want to go back for a “taste” esp. if attraction/intimacy issues did not contribute to the break up.
**Why not get training that will keep families together rather than piece things together after the break up?**
Some of us aren’t as equipped as we could have/should have been to build a successful marriage, but marriages fall apart for all sorts of reasons, some of which training could not prevent. In-tact families should get all the support and resources they need to thrive, and those that are post-break-up should be equipped to do the best they can by their kids as well. I don’t believe it’s an either or proposition.
Lisa Maria Carroll on Tue, 24th Nov 2009 3:29 am
Talibah, please accept my comment as the compliment that it was intended. The work that you and Deesha do and have done is phenomenal, and you complement each other well. I would never suggest that you abandon your baby here. But your (hard) work could certainly serve as a blueprint for marriage counselors who counsel parents who are at odds on how to raise their children, and it’s driving a wedge in their marriage.
I agree with both of you when it comes to post-breakup boundaries. When the thrill was gone for me, it was gone. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for my ex. And he used that as an excuse for not coming around. I didn’t need or want post-divorce sex. But I know that had I offered it in exchange for him spending time with his children, he would have come around more.
So, while the two of you are making this journey in drive, I’m traveling in reverse. As a 41-year-old woman who was raised by a single mother, with no help from daddy, the information the two of you provide is helping me to identify and process my own issues regarding what they did and didn’t do as parents. Likewise, as a mother of adult children who refer to their father as, “Your dumb babby daddy,” I know that there’s residue there. And I don’t want them to feel like they must have an allegiance to me for making the choice to stay. Likewise, I want to respect their right to feel the way they do, knowing that he wasn’t there by choice.
And believe me, it is a process.
Lisa Maria Carroll on Tue, 24th Nov 2009 3:34 am
By the way, I want my children to be emotionally healthy adults, even if it means I have to do the work now.
Talibah Mbonisi on Tue, 24th Nov 2009 1:54 pm
Lisa, I thought the point you made was a really valuable one. We tend to talk about co-parenting in terms of living apart and parenting together, but the truth is that it’s co-parenting, period, when two parents are partnering. I’m reading a book now, that talks about that exact point and offers co-parenting guidance for married couples. I’m planning post a review as soon as I complete it. When I spoke at UGA, I had the opportunity to talk to some faculty there doing research on these very topics. So, know that I appreciate your perspective and share your determination to use the journey behind me to inspire the journey ahead! Glad we’re on it together!
Talibah Mbonisi on Tue, 24th Nov 2009 1:56 pm
Lisa: BTW, when I shared your comment with Ed, his response was that he completely got your point (re: how could someone *not* be attracted to him) and that it was a good thing I didn’t post his photo or my comment section would be full of the same question. Ha!