Real Families: Meet My Co-Parent, Part 4
December 15, 2009 by Talibah Mbonisi
This is the final installment of a 4-part interview with my very own co-parent, Ed Banuel. In Part 1, he talked about how we became co-parents, how having an absent father impacted him and our challenges as co-parents. In Part 2, he shared his thoughts about growing as a father and dating as a single, co-parenting dad. In Part 3, he talks about me and our co-parenting relationship. And, here in Part 4, he shares his final thoughts with the WeParent family…
Talibah: So is there anything you would change if you could do it all over again as it relates to our co-parenting, how we’ve raised our child so far, how you have fathered him? If there is anything you could change, what would it be?
Ed: You know what? I try not to look at life in general like that, because I feel like everything happens for a reason, you know? I was where I was at the time, and I feel like we had to go through this journey to be where we are today. And, now that I know what I know, the only thing I can do is work to make it even better. You know what I’m saying? So is there anything that I would change? No. I wouldn’t change anything.
Talibah: I get it.
Ed: What happened, happened and was supposed to happen. Obviously, if it wasn’t supposed to happen, it wouldn’t have happened that way. The only thing I can do is learn and work towards becoming a better person, becoming a better co-parent, becoming a better dad.
Talibah: What does that look like?
Ed: Being a better parent? I think it’s just constantly seeking ways to expose our son to bigger and better opportunities than what I had and constantly being there for him. We have open communication no matter what the situation is. He feels like he can always go to his dad for advice, for a shoulder to lean on, to feel empowered and always get the truth.
My vision for my son is for me to be able to raise him up and give him the tools he needs to be whatever he chooses to be in life. And this is not about financially being able to give him. Of course, everyday you want to be in a financial position to provide your with child some of the things you didn’t have, provide your child with a better lifestyle. But even bigger than just a lifestyle, I want to give him tools that will help him be a successful man in this world.
Talibah: And what does better look like in our co-parenting relationship for you?
Ed: I think better just looks like just us just continuing down the path we’re already on: communicating, being respectful towards each other, speaking to each other in love, being friends and being supportive of each other; because that’s also important. Ultimately, if something happens to me or you, it affects our child.
I mean, I view you genuinely like family. Ultimately, I want what’s best for you which would ultimately be what’s best for my child.
Talibah: Beautifully stated. What advice do you have for fathers and mothers who are dealing with difficulty trying to work together as parents?
Ed: I think first and foremost, whether you agree with what the person is saying or not, the first step is to listen. You have to listen and really try to understand what the person’s needs are, what they are trying to communicate, because everybody has their own views on raising the child. Really try to listen and understand the point from where the person is speaking.
If they are always complaining about a certain issue, listen. There may be some validity to what they are saying. By listening, you can come up with solutions, and coming up with solutions, that’s the path for a better co-parenting relationship. It all comes down to what I originally stated…communication. Communication is not just about talking, talking, talking. Communication is talking and listening.
Talibah: So is there anything else that you want our readers to know that we haven’t talked about?
Ed: I think the only thing is I truly love my child. I truly love our co-parenting relationship. I’m an imperfect dad but always seeking to be a better father. And, I may not make the best decisions all the time, but I accept that. I accept my imperfections, but I’m always striving to be better.
Talibah: Lovely. I will say for the record too, that I am thankful that you are our child’s father, that the journey I’m on and what I’m trying to create through WeParent wouldn’t be possible if we haven’t had the experiences that we are having and have had. You may be an imperfect father, but you’re the perfect father for our son. We may not be perfect, but we’re the perfect parents for this child. And we just have to figure out how and continue to use our co-parenting relationship as a way to get better as parents and as people.
With that said, thank you for being who you are and thank you so much for agreeing to do this interview.
Ed: Cool!
Co-Parenting Matters Book Giveaway: Tell Us Why Divorce Sucks!
December 15, 2009 by WeParent
We’re excited to have Mary Jo Eustace, author of Divorce Sucks: What to do When Irreconcilable Differences, Lawyer Fees and Your Ex’s Hollywood Wife Make You Miserable join us as our guest on the next “Co-Parenting Matters” show. Eustace is an actress, singer, chef, mother, author of two bestselling cookbooks and was formerly married to Dean McDermott, Tori Spelling’s current husband and reality show co-star. Rather than write another tell-all, Mary Jo Eustace used her divorce as inspiration for a guide to help readers regroup after their own.
Want to win a copy of Divorce Sucks? Enter our giveaway contest by leaving a comment below telling us why, in your opinion, divorce sucks. Whether you are divorced, a grown up child of divorce, have contemplated divorce, or know someone who is divorced, we want to hear from you.
TWO winners of the book giveaway will be announced on this week’s show. We’re thrilled to have Mary Jo share her insights with us and with you. So, tune in Sunday at 9:30 PM EST. You may call in to 646.378.0580 or listen to the live stream online; send in questions in advance to: contact AT coparentingmatters DOT com; or of course, you can always tweet us. We’re @coparentingshow.
Staying Close to Your Kids…from a Distance
Our family uses a pretty evenly split parenting time schedule to ensure that our son spends time with both parents on a weekly basis and that we both have hands-on intimate involvement in all aspects of his life. So, we both get to spend time with him regularly. Still, when he’s away from me, the truth is, I miss him and I want him to know that even when we’re apart, I’m still loving him.
I imagine that I’m not the only one, so here are a few suggestions for maintaining a connection with your children while you’re away from them:
- Use a mix of scheduled and spontaneous contact. Scheduled contact should be agreed upon by both parents. It should be at regular times and be convenient for everyone involved. You might be missing your child, but you aren’t doing him, her or your co-parent any favors by disrupting breakfast, dinner or bedtime. So, work this out up front. Similarly, spontaneous contact is nice, but, again, work with your co-parent to ensure that your calls are not disruptive or too frequent.
- Go online with email and internet-based tools for connecting. Be sure to teach your children online safety. And, you may want to consider using a tool specifically to keep families connected.
- Give your children their own phone line. Two kid-centric cell phone companies we’re aware of are Firefly and Kajeet. If you go with this option, be prepared to establish rules on acceptable cell phone use and to teach your children cell-iquette and safety. And, ideally, get buy-in from your co-parent. If you and your child’s other parent don’t communicate or consistently have high-conflict contact, this may be a great option.
- Schedule an off-time date. If you are apart from your children for extended periods, consider a periodic dinner or a coffee…well, orange juice, date to break things up. Coordination with your child’s other parent is key, as is adhering strictly to agreed upon pick-up and drop-off times.
- Keep a “Thinking About You” journal. Don’t just think about your children, write a note, paste photos, add newspaper clippings…whatever helps you chronicle and illustrate just how much you’re thinking about them. During their next stay with you, share.
- Create a letter writing kit…for both of you. Purchase a notebook, a keepsake box, stickers, colored pencils, etc. and teach your children the lost art of letter writing. You’ll not only create a special activity that just the two of you share, you’ll both collect wonderful keepsakes to go along with the memories.
- Give your child a personalized gift that s/he can touch, feel and/or hear on a daily basis to remind them that you care. Some options might be: a locket, special box, stuffed animal or just a specially framed photo of the two of you.
These are just a few options, but there are so many more. Be creative, allow your children to inspire you and take the lead in staying connected. Our children need to be reminded that even when we’re apart, our hearts and minds remain with them.
MamaSpeak: Too Much Unfinished Business
December 11, 2009 by Lisa Maria Carroll
For most people Thanksgiving is a day to enjoy food, fun and family. But this year, a day that brougt one Florida family together also ripped it apart when a relative shot and killed his sister, an aunt and a 6-year-old cousin after thanksgiving dinner. Relatives say that as he walked away, r turned and said, “I have been waiting 20 years to do this.”
I don’t know what made this man kill there generations of his own flesh and blood, nor do I know what he had held onto for 20 years before he snapped. But I do know that this man’s story is not an original script. No, I have never survived a family ambush. But, I have had a front-row seat at family events where relatives showed up with anger and resentment in tow from some past transgression, only to isolate themselves and sulk instead of mingling and having a good time.
The wounds of childhood can take a lifetime to heal, if ever. And left unchecked, these feelings of resentment begin to fester and cause one to distance themselves not only physically, but also emotionally. Some say time heals all wounds. But I say time heals nothing. This gunman is proof that unfinished business doesn’t heal itself. I’ve also witnessed it in my own family.
My parents grew up in the same Mississippi town. Their families were close, and for the most part everyone got along. But with 23 children between them, there were bound to be conflicts from time-to-time. And although they’re not quite the Capulets and Montagues, there is some ongoing bitterness between between them that should have been dealt with and buried a long time ago. But it’s like the elephant in the room that no one is willing to sink their teeth into to start a healing process. If not for them, for their children.
As a child of divorce, my mind was polluted with information about why my father left and how my mother’s family drove him away. I heard things from aunts and uncles that should have been labeled “For Grown Folks Only.” I didn’t care about it then or now, because those are their issues, not mine.
When I found myself going through a divorce, any issues I had with my ex-husband or his family were dealt with directly, and not by way of the children. It wasn’t always easy for me to not bash him, even in truth sometimes. But I took the high road, choosing to keep our problems between us.
My ex played more of a victim role than me. His way of dealing with me was in much the same way that my folks dealt with each other, through the kids. Although I don’t believe he acted maliciously, that doesn’t alter the long-term effects it could potentially have.
My children will deal with the divorce as an adult differently than they did as children. I can already see how they are processing it through a different lens. An adult lens. My prayer is that they know that we did the best that we could with what we knew how to do, even if we fell short. And if they have any resentment, we don’t have to let this go on for 20 years. Let’s finish that business now, so we can come together in peace and harmony.
This Week on Co-Parenting Matters: Dads Raising Daughters
December 11, 2009 by WeParent
Join us on “Co-Parenting Matters” this Sunday at 9 PM EST for a candid chat with two single dads about raising daughters. Our guests will be RJ Jaramillo, founder of SingleDad.com (who joined us for last Sunday’s lively conversation about “Sex and the Single Parent”), and Whitney Yakini Traylor, attorney, author, and Fatherhood Freestyler at WeParent.com.
And finally, because it never, ever gets old…
Real Families: Meet My Co-Parent, Part 3
December 9, 2009 by Talibah Mbonisi
This is Part 3 of a 4-part interview with my very own co-parent, Ed Banuel. In Part 1, he talked about how we became co-parents, how having an absent father impacted him and our challenges as co-parents. In Part 2, he shared his thoughts about growing as a father and dating as a single, co-parenting dad. And, in this third installment, he talks about me…
Talibah: So where would you say that where have you seen the biggest growth in me as your parenting partner?
Ed: Listening and not trying to control everything. You can’t control everything, and just because things don’t always go as expected, doesn’t mean that we are failures. We just are constantly evolving and learning something new that will ultimately help us in our parenting relationship.
Because no matter what, there’s going to be times when we won’t agree, and we need to step away and revisit the conversation again; think about what we’re trying to communicate. Think about what the other person is trying to say and really step away and come back to discuss it at a later time,because at that particular time, we may not be seeing eye to eye.
We may be really heated and upset. That’s just human nature. We will have outbursts. We will have blowups. But it’s just about how we manage those blowups, minimize them and really do more communicating than arguing. I feel like we definitely have come a long way with that.
My advice to other co-parents: It happens. It’s the reality. Even if you were in the same household with that person…it happens. People argue. People have disagreements, but it’s about how you handle those arguments and disagreements and the lesson that you learned from it. You can beg to differ with a person and still be respectful towards them.
Talibah: Um…I think you just went off.
Ed: Another thing, because we are two individuals, we have our own perspective on co-parenting scenarios. No person is right or wrong.
Talibah: What do you think the most important areas are for us to be on the same page about when it comes to our son? You talked a lot about how we definitely have different perspectives on things, not just co-parenting…life. We’re different people. But, how important do you think it is to be on the same page about certain things, and what are they?
Ed: Respect. I think it’s important that our son doesn’t feel like one parent’s opinion is more important than the other parent’s opinion, because children will play on that. He needs to understand that he needs to have just as much respect for his mother as he has for his father and visa versa. And, when we make a decision as a united front, that’s the law. I think that’s one of the most important things.
Talibah: One of the things that I noticed about you over time was that, not just in relationships, but in other areas, too. It seems like you got to a point where you just wouldn’t argue. You wouldn’t engage in drama. And, that’s kind of been a mantra for us, I think. “We don’t do drama.”
Ed: Uh huh.
Talibah: Now we have had what I call “drama-lite” but not big drawn out theatrical stuff. But, I’m just curious whether that’s accurate. Is that part of your philosophy of how to deal in relationships?
Ed: I agree. I don’t like drama. I try to stay away from it. Personally, I like talking through any issues and dealing with it head on versus letting it linger and blow up because there’s no need to have a bunch of drama. There’s no need. Drama, all it does is tear the relationship apart. And I’ve seen relationships go from being lovey-dovey one minute to non-existent because of drama.
I think I’m at the point now where I feel like life is way too short. We can disagree with each other but yet have respect for each other and try to work through it without drama. And, I think that’s one of the things I’m very proud about in our relationship. I may get on your nerves; you may get on my nerves, but we have figured out a way to communicate with each other to hear each other’s point, not make the other person feel like they’re getting the short end of the stick…and then move forward.
