Lifelines for Co-Parenting: Be the Wise One in Your Next Argument

We really love Lifelines: The Book of Black Proverbs, a treasure of wisdom from African peoples across the globe.  The book offers short but potent advice, warnings, and witticisms that apply to every area of life…including co-parenting.  So, keep your eyes open for our new regular feature where we share a proverb and apply it to the art of co-parenting.  And, now for the debut of “Lifelines for Co-Parenting.”

When two quarrel, it is the first
to stop who is the wisest.

–South Africa

Conflict happens. That’s a given. Too, often that conflict shows up as incessant arguing between parents. Everybody’s in it to win it and only willing to stop if the other one does. We all know just how effective that strategy is.

Yes, it’s true, we can’t change the fact that conflict will rear it’s head.  What we can control, though, is how we respond to it. So, if the argue-them-into-submission strategy isn’t really working for you, here are a few others that might serve your co-parenting relationship better.

1. Figure out why you’re arguing…and then check yourself. Just stop! We argue for different reasons. Some people think arguing is healthy. They like to play devil’s advocate, even though the conversation is clearly going to hell. Sometimes, loud talking is just a reflection of our belief that we aren’t being heard. Of course, yelling at or over the other parent doesn’t get us the listening ear we think we’re missing. But, no one said any of this had to make sense. Then, there are those of us who use arguing as a way to stay connected by any means necessary. Knowing that we can get a rise out of the other parent gives us some sick sense of still mattering to him or her. And, then, there are the verbal batterers. They don’t hit, but they seek to execute a verbal beatdown that may be as damaging.  Figure out your angle, and then seek to make a shift by asking yourself what you really want from the other parent if things were ideal.  If your angle isn’t getting you that, then hush, breathe and take a time out.

2. Shift perspective by putting yourself in the other parent’s shoes. We all bring different values, judgments, motivations and objectives to this party. And guess what? The other parent is just as sure and certain and passionate about the “fact” that s/he is right, as you are. So, focusing your efforts on proving your right-ness is an uphill, if not losing, battle. Instead, role play a little. Look at the issue from the perspective of the other parent. Consider what she or he might be feeling. What does s/he care about? What objections might s/he have? What solutions or alternatives might be workable for him or her? Just like a room looks different if you’re in a headstand, turning your co-parenting conflict upside down may help you see something you couldn’t see when you were “right”-side up.

3. Establish rules of engagement. You already know that your time-for-battle muscles start to tingle when you feel a disagreement coming on. Try a preemptive strike by setting some ground rules up front. Try agreeing that neither parent will interrupt the other for a specified amount of time…and then use a kitchen timer to keep yourselves honest. Take notes if you just have to, but better yet…listen. You just might hear something that enlightens you. The worst case scenario is that you earn some good will by allowing the other parent to feel heard. Pinky swear that neither parent will call the other one names or make sweeping, generalized comments about the other. And, finally, promise to focus on the issues and the solutions and not who should take all the blame for initiative the problem. That is a waste of time and energy that just won’t move you forward. And, in the end, it does nothing for your children.

Like the proverb suggests, it takes two to quarrel; but only one to end it. Hopefully, these strategies will help you be the wiser of the two.

What tips can you share for managing disagreements with your co-parent?

Co-Parenting Matters This Week: Co-Parenting Drama Rx

This week on Co-Parenting Matters we’re discussing co-parenting drama…and the prescription for it. Join us for “Co-Parenting Drama Rx” this Sunday at 9:30pm EST. We’re going to be sharing your questions about co-parenting challenges and dilemmas with a panel of experts who will offer their answers, advice and insights.  And, we hope you’ll call in to share yours, too.

Our Drama Rx panel includes Brooke Randolph, Dr. Makungu Akinyela, or Dr. A, as we like to call him and RJ Jaramillo of SingleDad.  Brooke is a licensed mental health counselor and parenting coordinator with a wealth of experience in helping parents sort out their co-parenting relationships.  Dr. A is a family therapist, professor and founder of the Family Center of South Dekalb based in the Atlanta area.  And, RJ Jaramillo is the founder of SingleDad.com, a website and community dedicated to single parenting and especially to supporting newly divorced, remarried and widowed fathers. They’ll all be here, and we’ll be throwing all types of questions and scenarios at them for advice.  Don’t miss this opportunity to have your questions answered.

Send us your questions, concerns and tricky co-parenting situtations.  You can email them to us at info AT weparent DOT com or drop them in the comments section.

Call for Submissions: Fatherhood Freestyle…The Book

Fatherhood Freestyle: The Unheard Voices of Single Black Fathers
(working title)

Open Call for Submissions

Summary:

WeParent seeks submissions for an anthology expressing the insights, experiences, and feelings of African-American fathers who are no longer in relationships with their child(ren)’s mother, and who are co-parenting, solo-parenting and/or have or have attempted to do either. This book is intended for publication in mid-to-late 2011.

Deadline for submissions: October 15, 2010

Overview:

The purpose of this anthology is to explore the experiences of African-American fathers who are no longer involved with their child(ren)’s other parent but who are, have or seek to be engaged, active fathers nonetheless. WeParent seeks to amplify the often unheard voices of single, divorced, and separated African-American fathers who are parenting their children. Through a combination of probing blog posts from the popular “Fatherhood Freestyle” blog on WeParent.com and original personal essays from other contributors, WeParent seeks to pierce through the deafening charges of deadbeat absentee-baby-daddyism and offer refreshing and enlightening perspectives on parenting, co-parenting, step-dating and step-parenting, remarriage and more.

We seek essays that offer transparency and heartfelt honesty, as well as inspiration to fathers committed to navigating the sometimes tumultuous waters of fatherhood in the absence of a relationship with the other parent.

Our project is still in its early stages and we realize that at this point, though we have dedicated contributors, we cannot make any guarantees about the collection’s outcome; however, we are confident that this project will appeal to publishers for a number of reasons. One prominent reason is the focus currently being placed on fathers and fatherhood by the Obama administration and increased attention in the media. When we have a publishing contract in hand, the essays will undoubtedly go through a review process with the publisher’s readers and ultimate acceptance of articles for the book will depend on that process.

Possible topics to explore include:

• Impact of your childhood and your parents’ relationship on your experience of fatherhood
• Your journey through fatherhood, co-parenting, remarriage
• How you experience other people’s perceptions of African-American fathers/single fathers
• Your challenges and/or victories with custody, child support issues
• Insights you have gained as a co-parent, single parent, step-parent
• Experiences related to dating as a single father
• Challenges, failures and victories you have experienced in parenting or co-parenting

We are open to any topic as long as it shares your personal story and/or insights.

Submission guidelines:

• Submissions should be no longer than 5,000 words.
• Good writing skills are helpful, but not necessary. Mostly, we are looking for powerful insights and stories that share the hearts and wisdom of our contributors. We will work with you to polish your writing.
• Be sure to include full contact information, including your name, address, phone number and email address. Also, please remember to notify us at once if you move, change your phone number or email. (If you wish to remain anonymous, let us know, and we won’t include your name in the book.)
• Submissions should be sent via mail (our preference) or email. When mailing, please include a stamped, self-addressed envelope (SASE) so we can return submissions we are unable to use. Without a SASE, submissions cannot be returned.
• Each contributor chosen for the anthology will receive, as compensation, one (1) copy of the completed anthology within one month of publication.
• The deadline for final submissions is October 15, 2010. However, it may take you some time to write your submission. So that we will know if you are considering making a submission, please send us a brief letter via email or mail to notify us of your intention to submit by June 1, 2010. The letter of intent should include your contact information, along with your proposed topic. Your letter of intent in no way obligates you to make a submission. It merely allows us to provide you with information and support during this process.
• Final drafts of submissions must be postmarked on or before October 15, 2010. The final selection process will begin then.
• Address your submissions to:

WeParent
Attn: Fatherhood Freestyle
PMB 153
1000 Whitlock Ave., Suite 320
Marietta, GA 30064

Or send an email with subject ‘’Fatherhood Freestyle Book Submission’’ to: info AT weparent DOT com.

Co-Parenting Matters Book Giveaway: Sugar Milk by Ron Mattocks

This week on Co-Parenting Matters we’ll be talking “Co-Parenting, Step-Parenting and Sugar Milk…Oh My!” with our guest Ron Mattocks, the man behind one of the hottest Daddy blogs on the scene, “Clark Kent’s Lunchbox”.  Ron is set to release his new memoir Sugar Milk: What One Dad Drinks When He Can’t Afford Vodka on March 30th, and we’re set to help him!

From now until this Sunday, March 21st at 12:01AM ET, you can enter to win a copy of Sugar Milk.  To enter, leave a comment below telling us what your favorite “escape drink” is.   What do you sip on when Calgon isn’t enough to take you away?  (And, feel free to leave a recipe, if you’ve had good results!)

We’ll announce the winners this Sunday night on “Co-Parenting Matters”…and maybe we’ll even taste test a few live on the air!  So, tune in this Sunday at 9:30pm ET, to hear Ron’s insights on the aftermath of divorce, readjusting to married life, the awkwardness of being a step-dad, the loss of male identity after being laid off, and ultimately, an understanding of what fatherhood really means.  Oh…and to see if you won!

Co-Parenting Matters March Line-up

We’ve already kicked off our March line-up on Co-Parenting Matters with the “My Co-Parent Has A New Partner…Now What?” episode.  Our guests were Lauren Navratil, founder of the blog, My Life Incomplete, along with her ex-husband, David, and his girlfriend, Sylvia.

Yeah.  You read that right.

Through their honest sharing, we got a glimpse into the lives of two co-parents…and a partner…all of whom are doing their best (and a great job from our perspective) of creating an environment that puts their son’s well being at the center of it all.  As Lauren and David continue to build their co-parenting relationship, Lauren and Sylvia are establishing a friendship that helps them identify ways that they, too, can partner in giving Lauren and David’s son the most loving family experience they can.  We truly admire the the willingness of this family to share themselves, their experiences and insights about parenthood, divorce and co-parenting.

Check out the archive to get some of the gems they shared.  And, be sure to check out Lauren’s guest post, “We Share the Joy of Raising our Son–50/50″ on CoParenting101.org.

And, here’s what’s up the rest of this month:

Sunday, March 21
Co-Parenting, Step-Parenting and Sugar Milk, Oh My!…An Interview with Ron Mattocks

Set your reminder now for what promises to be both an enlightening and entertaining discussion with Ron Mattocks, founder of the popular Daddy blog, “Clark Kent’s Lunchbox” and author of the soon-to-be released “SugarMilk: What One Dad Drinks When He Can’t Afford Vodka.” We’ll learn about the ups and downs of his journey from corporate CEO to stay-at-home Dad, his experiences as a father to three boys and two stepdaughters, and his adventures as a co-parent and newlywed. .And, we’re guaranteed to get all of that served up with a healthy dose of humor. Ron has plenty of insights to share about the aftermath of divorce, readjusting to married life, the awkwardness of being a step-dad, the loss of male identity after being laid off, and ultimately, an understanding of what fatherhood really means. We’re excited to have Ron on the show to celebrate the release of “SugarMilk” and to learn a thing or two about how courage, humility and a little humor can turn life’s challenges into one sweet adventure.

Sunday, March 28
Co-Parenting Drama Rx

Got drama? Co-Parenting Matters just might have the prescription. We’re inviting a panel of experts to join us for a show dedicated to answering your questions and suggesting solutions to all kinds of tricky co-parenting scenarios. So, email us your questions, challenges, frustrations to contact AT coparentingmatters DOT com or to info AT WeParent DOT com, and let our Drama Rx team help you sort it out.