Fatherhood Freestyle: My Story….Not My Father’s

I love women. I can find something attractive on almost anyone of them. It could be their eyes, their smile or the way they carry themselves with confidence. I don’t have a particular type or shape or color preference. Long hair doesn’t turn me on more than short, curvy bodies more than straight, tall over short. Intelligence and a sense of humor goes a long way though..

I was raised by women, have raised women and some of my closest friends are women. I’ve worked as the only male in treatment center for females and survived and thrived. Women have shaped my life, contributed to the man I’ve become and the values I have.

Whenever I would envision the way I would begin the story of my life it always began this way, with most of these words. For one thing, the words are true; women have played a huge role in my life. And I am clear that another reason why is my father.

My father and I have never lived in the same house, have never played catch, shared a joke or a laugh. We have never watched a sporting event, taken a walk or watched a cartoon together. And while many adults could make the same claims for many reasons: “my father died when I was 2” or “he ran away when I was born” or “my mama wasn’t sure who my daddy was”.. I do know who he is. I know his name and occupation and where he lives. His physical absence from my life played as big a role in my shaping as the women who were present. And notice I said his physical absence; emotionally he has been and remains one of my major influences.

As the women in my childhood taught me and scolded me and fed me, my father’s effect was subtle, almost unnoticeable until my teenage years. This increased as I grew into manhood, became a tidal wave as I became a parent to my daughter, and exploded in a crescendo as I became a father to a son. I can remember the joy and wonder I felt as I looked into my daughter’s eyes for the first time, the pride and relief of knowing she was safe, healthy and whole. The comfort I felt in feeding her, changing her and making her laugh. To this day she still takes my heart to the top of the clouds just to be in her presence. The birth of my son added a new wrinkle and sense of wonder; while my daughter was clearly related to me, my blood, my offspring- my son was a mini version of me. We shared more than similar physical features, he wanted to play sports, to wrestle, to fight, to play catch. We used our fingers to hold objects in the same way, crossed our legs and hummed while eating something special. And as I became more aware of these similarities and shared traits, that’s when my father’s presence or lack of had its biggest impact; I couldn’t understand. I couldn’t understand how he could leave, how could he know I existed and not been in my life. How could he not play catch, take a walk or share advice with me? Whereas not having my father in my life growing up was accepted as a fact by me, an unalterable truth, becoming a parent and seeing my son and knowing how I felt about both my children, that fact became absurd, insane, truly, beyond any words I can use.

And I have tried desperately to understand. I have thought and thunk, asked friends and strangers, spoken to clients and read books. I even went to my father and asked him directly. “Well, your mother didn’t want me around” was the first deflection, followed by “and to be honest with you, I’m not even sure if I am your father”. And that was the beginning of my enlightenment and release. At that moment, the utterance of that blatant and obvious lie, I realized that whatever I was looking for, I would not find it in him. There would be no guidance, no embrace, no shared experiences; as alike as we were in appearance, our build, our hands and that slightly up tilted Bob Hope nose, we were completely different in our hearts, our view of ourselves. Whatever motivated him to speak those words, fear, guilt, shame or ignorance, I’ll never truly know (and I can only wonder if he knows). As the father to my kids some of my biggest fears have been ‘Will I be good enough? Can I give them a different life from the one I had?’ Only time and their testament will declare the truth of that. But I know that my children and I share things he and I will never have. The memories of stitches and casts, cakes and wrapping paper and the swell of pride as they walked across various stages marking the advance of their own lives and accomplishments. When I look at them I feel a peace in knowing these are my children, and I am their father.

MamaSpeak: Setting Single Moms Up for Success

I believe that the most important step in moving forward is accepting where you are. In the mid-1990’s, as a young African-American single mother, I found myself having to do just that. I was twenty-something with limited education, income and resources, caring for a young son whose father was largely absent. Fed up with constantly trying to force my ex to accept his share of the responsibility, and frustrated with trying, unsuccessfully, to secure child support in a system several states away, I felt that there had to be a better way. Sitting in my tiny apartment one night, crying and overwhelmed after another fruitless attempt to track down my son’s father for help, I finally accepted the painful truth: I was alone in accepting the responsibility of raising and providing for my son. What began as one of the most frightening moments of my life became one of the most empowering. The decision to accept full responsibility for the parenting and well-being of my son caused an immediate shift in how I viewed my situation: I was no longer a victim “left holding the bag”; I was now the owner of a set of personal circumstances that I had the power to overcome.

If acceptance is the first step in moving forward, then knowing where you’re headed is the second. Along with accepting sole responsibility came the commitment to providing my son with the upbringing every child deserves. I felt strongly that being raised by an African-American single mother did not mean that my son was damned to becoming a statistic. Instead, I would guide him to becoming a well-adjusted, focused, and educated young man with hopes of a bright future and the determination to get there. I believed that in order to get him to where he deserved to be, I had to be able to consistently provide the love, safety, stability and healthy-parenting that enable children to thrive. Chartering my son to a future filled with hope and promise meant giving myself a better present.

The chasm between life as I knew it and the life I wanted was abysmal; but I decided that building a bridge between the two was my only option. If the first step is acceptance, and the second is direction, then the critical third step is belief in one’s ability to reach her destination. Not knowing how I would do so, I knew that I had to expand my capacity to care for my child. I had to transform the emotionally fragile, depression-prone, uneducated, low-to-moderate-income-earning young mother into a healthy, focused, and disciplined woman to whom education and livelihood were paramount. Though the task appeared daunting, and the woman I envisioned becoming a complete stranger, I knew deep inside that I could do it; and that the woman who seemed like a distant stranger was just a more mature, future version of myself that I could one day meet if I were willing to put in the hard work.

Committing to doing the hard work was the first step in what has now become my life’s purpose: the capacity building of the African-American single mother. Almost a decade-and-a-half after the heartening acceptance of my role as a single mother, my goal is to help other young mothers begin the same journey that changed my life and has placed my son on a path to becoming a success instead of a statistic. My non-profit organization, Single Mothers for Success, and its flagship program, DumaVillage, aim to ensure that single mothers have the tools, information, resources and networks of support necessary for success.

Single-parenting is far from the ideal situation for any child or parent. I pray that the work my organization does will one day render it unnecessary. The ultimate goal is that all African-American children will have access to the development and opportunities that condition them to make life choices that move them away from lives of poverty and struggle and toward prosperity and fulfillment, making single parenting the exception and not the rule. But, as with the organization’s clients, we as a community have to take the first step: acceptance. We first have to accept the fact that close to 70 percent of African-American children are born to unwed mothers. We then have to (step two) decide where we’re heading. I’d venture to say that most prefer a place where African-American single mothers are not the norm. And (step three), we all have to believe that as a community we can get there.

Co-Parenting Matters: Mother’s Month—May Line-up

Last month we discussed some great topics like dealing with a high conflict co-parent and understanding parental alienation. And, we had some wonderful guests, like Sheree Fletcher, Will Smith’s co-parent and the creator of the dry skin-eradicating Whoop Ash. So, if you missed anything, you might want to catch up.

This month we’re featuring mothers talking about a variety of topics. So, tune in as we celebrate Mother’s Month on Co-Parenting Matters.

Here’s what’s coming:

Sunday, May 2: The Good Karma Divorce

Join us for an elightening discussion with Judge Michele Lowrance, author of The Good Karma Divorce and a practicing domestic-relations judge who over the past four years has seen 100 percent of divorcing couples avoid trial by following the principles presented in her book. Using her expertise as a family-court judge and former divorce attorney, Judge Lowrance has created a guide to help face the turmoil of divorce with a process that results in healing, transformation and lots of good karma. Tune in for her strategies, tips and techniques honed in the laboratory of Judge Lowrance’s own courtroom.

Sunday, May 9: Divorce Candy: How to Revamp, Rejuvenate and Rebuild after the Loss of a Relationship

Tune in for an engaging discussion about thriving after the loss of a relationship. Our guests Jen Schwartz, a child of divorce, and Randi Small, a divorcee, are the co-founders of DivorceCandy.com. Both have suffered the stigma of divorce in different ways. They have dealt with loss, the acceptance of new families, the often painful adjustment to change and so much more. Through their website, they offer others in similar straights a place where they can start over and stay positive. And, on this show, they’ll share their insights with us.

Sunday, May 16: Mama’s Kitchen Table Convo

We’re hosting a Mama’s Kitchen Table Convo!  We’ll be chatting about mama-hood, relationships, money, co-parenting, hot topics in the co-parenting blogosphere, and much more!  We’re going to be joined by witty and wondeful mama-friends Lissett (@Cubanitabean on Twitter), Lisa Maria Carroll of Single Mom & More and regular contributor to our very own MamaSpeak (@LisaMCarroll), and the mama behind the MommyGlow blog, Alexandra (@YoungFabMama).  (And, yes, we’re letting Mike listen in, too!)  We hope you’ll bring out the wine and chocolates (or your favorite treat and beverage), pull up a chair, and join us at Mama’s Kitchen Table!

Sunday, May 23: Parallel Parenting: A Co-Parenting Alternative

Not all parents can manage a co-parenting relationship in which there is a true coordinated parenting partnership. But, that doesn’t mean that parents can’t still find a peaceful co-existence along the co-parenting continuum that allows their children to thrive…and keeps them out of one another’s paths. This week we’ll talk about parallel parenting with our guest, Keri Wall, founder of the blog, Off the Wall. Through her site, Keri shares the challenges, victories and insights she experiences in her own parallel parenting relationship with her son’s father. Join us for a discussion about a parenting arrangement that often works well for many parents who are better off keeping their distance from one another to minimize the impact their conflict could have on the children they love.

Sunday, May 30: Sister-Moms: When Family Blending Goes Right

This week, we’ll be talking to a bio-mom/stepmom duo who consider themselves sister-friends. When they were friends in college, Omisade Burney-Scott and Jovanna Nembhard never imagined that one day Jovanna would become Stepmother to Omisade’s son. But, she did. And, these two women have forged a partnership marked by a clear focus on the well being of their children, a definition of family inclusive enough to include all of their sons and mutual respect and admiration for one another.

Co-Parenting Requires A Plan

In addition to being a requirement for custody and child support orders in many states, a parenting agreement or plan can be an extremely helpful tool for managing a parenting partnership. Whether your state requires one or not, we recommend that parents lay a foundation for a solid co-parenting partnership that includes a parenting plan. In many ways, a parenting plan is to co-parents what a business plan is to a corporation, a living document that establishes guidelines, expectations for managing the business of raising healthy, happy children.

A good parenting plan is clear; anticipates the needs of your children, and you over the life cycle of your co-parenting relationship; sets a path for improved communication and partnering over time; and focuses on the win-win-win scenario. It is comprehensive, gently balancing specifics with enough flexibility to accommodate all of the shifts and changes that life and growth involve. Some of the areas that your plan should address include:

• Education
• Medical, dental and vision care
• Rules and discipline
• Decision-making processes and dispute resolution
• Religious training
• Child care
• Special occasions, school events and vacations
• Extracurricular activities
• Transportation and transitions between homes
• Communication between parents
• Communication between parents and children
• Rights of grandparents, extended family and close friends
• Role of parents’ new partners
• Counseling for children and parents
• Custody arrangements
• Process for modifying the plan
• Insurance
• Co-Parenting philosophy and commitment

Ideally, parents should develop the parenting plan themselves, using the help of professionals like mediators, divorce or co-parenting coaches, counselors or attorneys focused on supporting your co-parenting efforts. As parents, we know our children and our own circumstances better than a third party with no experience with your family. Of course, the process involves being able to separate your adult relationship from the best interests of your child. And, it may take time to get to that place; so many experts recommend starting with a temporary agreement for a few months rather than pressuring yourselves to arrive at a final plan while you are still in the most difficult period of emotional healing and transition.

There is an abundance of resources available to help you and your co-parent create a parenting plan that works for your family. Resources range from online or downloadable software, to downloadable templates and books. And, of course, you should use professionals like mediators, attorneys, counselors and financial planners to support your efforts.

Parents who successfully partner in developing a co-parenting plan often find that it limits both the financial and emotional costs of a court fight, for them and their children. Though getting there may be difficult, having a plan in place can reduce tension between you, because the rules of engagement are clear and agreed upon. Knowing that there is a plan to which you have both contributed helps to reduce some of the worry that may come when your children are away from you. It is a process, but in the end, a parent-negotiated, parent-endorsed parenting plan can be the foundation of an effective co-parenting relationship.

Do the Math, Shaq: Death threats and Kids = Co-Parenting No-no

Now, we aren’t ones to spread gossip, but we couldn’t resist sharing our CoParenting101.org friend, Deesha’s latest post on The Faster Times.  We don’t know if the rumors about Shaq sending death threats to his ex-wife’s new boo are true or not, but we *do* know that Deesha brought a whole lot of heat and wisdom in “An Open Memo to Shaq Re:  Using One’s 6-Year-Old Child to Deliver Death Threats.”  The bottom line:  It’s the kids who suffer most when we act a damn fool inappropriately in our co-parenting relationships.

Here are a couple snippets from her post:

This behavior is straight out of Adventures in How Not to Co-Parent, the book I write in my head everyday while I’m driving.  Just when I think I’ve finished the manuscript, a story like yours comes along…

Let’s say for argument’s sake that the allegations against you are true.  Exactly what response were you hoping for from Shaunie’s boyfriend upon hearing this threat?  Was he supposed to quake in fear?  Disappear from Shaunie’s life?  Step to you so you could kill him?  A more likely result than any of the above is that the threat served only to confuse or frighten your child.   After all, he may be spending considerable time around this man whom Mommy likes and Daddy wants to kill.   Guess who your words affect the most, Shaq.  Here’s a hint: It’s not the boyfriend.

And, then she breaks down “10 unsolicited pieces of advice to any co-parent who thinks it’s a good idea to use a child to relay messages (of the threatening or non-threatening variety), or to pump children for information. ”

Truth is, even if we think we are co-parenting saints, a refresher never hurts.  So, our unsolicited advice?  Read this!

And, if you aren’t following Deesha’s co-parenting edutainment regularly, you should be!

Co-Parenting Matters This Week: Understanding Parental Alienation

Did you miss the last two episodes of our Co-Parenting Matters show? If so, no worries! You can check out the podcasts here:

Adventures in Co-Parenting and Whooping Ash (guest: Sheree Fletcher, remarried mom, entrepreneur, co-parenting with actor Will Smith)

Dealing with High-Conflict in Your Co-Parenting Relationship (guest: Bill Eddy, lawyer, former social worker/counselor, provides practical strategies for dealing with a high-conflict ex)

This Sunday, April 25th is Parental Alienation Awareness Day. On the “Understanding Parental Alienation” episode onCoParenting Matters (9:30 PM EST), we’ll be recognizing Parental Alienation Awareness Day with our guest, Jill Egizii. Jill is a potent advocate for parental alienation awareness. Through her activism and her novel, The Look of Love, Jill works to raise awareness of parental alienation and the devastating impact it can have on children and parents. Jill serves as an Alderman in the city of Leland Grove and as a member of the Illinois Family Law Study Committee established to revamp state divorce law. She is also a board member of Children Need Both Parents, a not-for-profit organization emphasizing shared parenting, and the Parental Alienation Awareness Organization (PAAO) which is dedicated to educating people about parental alienation.

Jill is graciously offering 2 copies of The Look of Love as part of a book giveaway contest via Twitter. Entering is easy: Send a tweet that includes this link:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/coparentingmatters/2010/04/26/understanding-parental-alienation (link can be shortened) …AND mention either: @coparentingshow, @weparent, or @coparenting101

Or simply re-Tweet any message from @coparentingshow, @weparent, or @coparenting101 that references this Sunday’s show.

Do you have an idea or guest nomination (including yourself!) for a future show? Let us know in the comments or email us at contact AT coparentingmatters.com

This Week: Co-Parents, Come Whoop Some Ash!

This Week: Dealing with High Conflict in Your Co-Parenting Relationship

Do you and your child’s other parent get along like oil and water?

Do even the simplest interactions between you result in unnecessary drama?

Do you find it difficult or impossible to co-parent peacefully with your ex?

Are YOU the difficult ex who is more committed to conflict/revenge/drama than you are to your children?

Do you want to break the cycle of excessive conflict and increase the peace between you and your co-parent?

Tune in to this week’s “Co-Parenting Matters” show (Sunday 9:30 PM EST),“Dealing with High Conflict in Your Co-Parenting Relationship”.  Our guest this week will be Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq., co-founder and president of the High Conflict Institute and author of the recently released Don’t Alienate the Kids!: Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High Conflict Divorce and High Conflict People in Legal Disputes.

Through the Institute, Bill teaches the necessary skills for handling high conflict personalities to professionals including attorneys, psychologists and counselors and social workers. And, now, he’s sharing it with the rest of us. On Sunday’s show, we’ll discuss ways to keep your family from getting stuck in a high conflict cycle after a split and how to get out of one if you’re already there. And, we’ll talk about the challenges of partnering with a high conflict parent and effective ways of managing those relationships with our children’s best interests at the forefront.

Can’t catch the show live? Check out the podcast which will be available immediately after the show ends at 11 PM.  Or draw on Bill Eddy’s expertise by posting your questions here, send them to us as info AT weparent DOT com, or tweet us @coparentingshow.

Understanding & Managing High Conflict People in Family Law Disputes

Understanding and Managing High Conflict Personalities in Family Law Disputes
Presented by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq.
Co-founder, High Conflict Institute

Date & Time: Monday April 12, 2010 – 8:30am to 4:30pm
Location: AMA Conf. Ctr. 1170 Peachtree St NE, 3rd Floor, Atlanta GA 30309

Register online

Join us on April 12, 2010 for, ”Understanding and Managing High Conflict Personalities in Family Law Disputes,’‘ a seminar conducted by Bill Eddy, co-founder of the High Conflict Institute.  This all-day seminar based on Bill’s book, High Conflict People in Legal Disputes, addresses the dynamics of five high conflict personalities who frequently drive family law disputes: Narcissistic, Borderline, Paranoid, Antisocial and Histrionic. Ten tips are provided for containing their behavior while managing and/or resolving their disputes – both in court and with out-of-court settlements. Ways of managing their many “Negative Advocates” (family, friends and sometimes other professionals) are included. Ethical problems and special issues for judges, lawyers, collaborative professionanls, mediators, and therapists are addressed.

The final segment of the seminar focuses on New Ways for Families™, a structured 4-step parenting skills method with short-term counseling to reduce the impact of conflict on the children in potentially high conflict cases. It can be used whenever a parent or the court believes one parent needs restricted parenting (supervised, no contact, limited time), at the start of a case or any time a parent requests restricted parenting – including post-judgment litigation.

This seminar is relevant to all family law professionals, including collaborative professionals, judicial officers, attorneys, parenting coordinators, mediators, paralegals, office staff (who must deal with high conflict clients regularly), domestic violence and child abuse advocates, graduate students and other professionals involved in the family court systems.

Continuing Education Credits for attorneys, psychologists has been approved. Approval for social workers is pending.

Register online

A free copy of Bill’s book, High Conflict People in Legal Disputes, will be given to all r