Co-Parenting Requires A Plan
April 21, 2010 by WeParent
In addition to being a requirement for custody and child support orders in many states, a parenting agreement or plan can be an extremely helpful tool for managing a parenting partnership. Whether your state requires one or not, we recommend that parents lay a foundation for a solid co-parenting partnership that includes a parenting plan. In many ways, a parenting plan is to co-parents what a business plan is to a corporation, a living document that establishes guidelines, expectations for managing the business of raising healthy, happy children.
A good parenting plan is clear; anticipates the needs of your children, and you over the life cycle of your co-parenting relationship; sets a path for improved communication and partnering over time; and focuses on the win-win-win scenario. It is comprehensive, gently balancing specifics with enough flexibility to accommodate all of the shifts and changes that life and growth involve. Some of the areas that your plan should address include:
- Education
- Medical, dental and vision care
- Rules and discipline
- Decision-making processes and dispute resolution
- Religious training
- Child care
- Special occasions, school events and vacations
- Extracurricular activities
- Transportation and transitions between homes
- Communication between parents
- Communication between parents and children
- Rights of grandparents, extended family and close friends
- Role of parents’ new partners
- Counseling for children and parents
- Custody arrangements
- Process for modifying the plan
- Insurance
- Co-Parenting philosophy and commitment
Ideally, parents should develop the parenting plan themselves, using the help of professionals like mediators, divorce or co-parenting coaches, counselors or attorneys focused on supporting your co-parenting efforts. As parents, we know our children and our own circumstances better than a third party with no experience with your family. Of course, the process involves being able to separate your adult relationship from the best interests of your child. And, it may take time to get to that place; so many experts recommend starting with a temporary agreement for a few months rather than pressuring yourselves to arrive at a final plan while you are still in the most difficult period of emotional healing and transition.
There is an abundance of resources available to help you and your co-parent create a parenting plan that works for your family. Resources range from online or downloadable software, to downloadable templates and books. And, of course, you should use professionals like mediators, attorneys, counselors and financial planners to support your efforts.
Parents who successfully partner in developing a co-parenting plan often find that it limits both the financial and emotional costs of a court fight, for them and their children. Though getting there may be difficult, having a plan in place can reduce tension between you, because the rules of engagement are clear and agreed upon. Knowing that there is a plan to which you have both contributed helps to reduce some of the worry that may come when your children are away from you. It is a process, but in the end, a parent-negotiated, parent-endorsed parenting plan can be the foundation of an effective co-parenting relationship.
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Sara on Wed, 28th Apr 2010 10:44 am
Quite often divorced or divorcing parents are told that the ideal way to handle this situation is to collaborate on their parenting plan and write it together/themselves. This advice is stated in the article above, too, and I find it to be woefully poor advice to the vast majority of co-parenting couples. At the moment of divorce (and truthfully speaking, at least a few months after) emotions are running high and the ability to think through the various aspects of everything you’ll encounter in the future is incredibly tough. In my opinion all couples should be required to sit down with a professional in order to truly have the opportunity to create a sound plan.
Talibah Mbonisi on Wed, 28th Apr 2010 6:20 pm
Sara: Thanks for your comment. You raise some very important points. We agree that divorce is a complicated process and that for many, if not most, parents, it is beneficial to consult the appropriate professionals to help you sort through that complexity. In the article, we mention some of these professionals, such as mediators, counselors, coaches, etc. who can guide parents through a process designed to help them arrive at their own plan versus one handed down by the court. Bottom line: there are processes, supported by trained professionals, designed to facilitate parents’ developing their own agreement; and we encourage parents to at least explore these. We also agree that it may not be an easy thing to do initially. In fact, many initial plans are just temporary, intended to provide some structure as families adjust to their new forms.
LF on Tue, 3rd Aug 2010 5:36 pm
The co-parenting plan means nothing id the attitudes and the actions of the parents are not right. People have to be willing to be flexible and compromise, while keeping the needs and best interest of the children at the forefront of it all.
We could have plans that are written and mediated by the best professionals, but if the parents are not at a good place, it will not work. Effective co-parenting is a choice that has to be made by each individual. Neither parent can do it alone and think that it is about them, because in the end the people that suffer from the bickering and fighting are the children.
Talibah Mbonisi on Tue, 3rd Aug 2010 6:03 pm
@LF: Thanks so much for all of your comments! I agree that the “best laid plan” can be rendered ineffective if parents are unwilling to work together and/or abide by it. I have found, though, that even when parents are willing to work together and are all about partnering, having a plan in place helps to keep things running smoothly. Having a default in place can be a “reset button” when things get off track. And, just the process of working together to sort out the plan in the first place can give parents an opportunity to think through and anticipate areas of potential conflict *before* the conflict arises.