MamaSpeak: Setting Single Moms Up for Success

I believe that the most important step in moving forward is accepting where you are. In the mid-1990’s, as a young African-American single mother, I found myself having to do just that. I was twenty-something with limited education, income and resources, caring for a young son whose father was largely absent. Fed up with constantly trying to force my ex to accept his share of the responsibility, and frustrated with trying, unsuccessfully, to secure child support in a system several states away, I felt that there had to be a better way. Sitting in my tiny apartment one night, crying and overwhelmed after another fruitless attempt to track down my son’s father for help, I finally accepted the painful truth: I was alone in accepting the responsibility of raising and providing for my son. What began as one of the most frightening moments of my life became one of the most empowering. The decision to accept full responsibility for the parenting and well-being of my son caused an immediate shift in how I viewed my situation: I was no longer a victim “left holding the bag”; I was now the owner of a set of personal circumstances that I had the power to overcome.

If acceptance is the first step in moving forward, then knowing where you’re headed is the second. Along with accepting sole responsibility came the commitment to providing my son with the upbringing every child deserves. I felt strongly that being raised by an African-American single mother did not mean that my son was damned to becoming a statistic. Instead, I would guide him to becoming a well-adjusted, focused, and educated young man with hopes of a bright future and the determination to get there. I believed that in order to get him to where he deserved to be, I had to be able to consistently provide the love, safety, stability and healthy-parenting that enable children to thrive. Chartering my son to a future filled with hope and promise meant giving myself a better present.

The chasm between life as I knew it and the life I wanted was abysmal; but I decided that building a bridge between the two was my only option. If the first step is acceptance, and the second is direction, then the critical third step is belief in one’s ability to reach her destination. Not knowing how I would do so, I knew that I had to expand my capacity to care for my child. I had to transform the emotionally fragile, depression-prone, uneducated, low-to-moderate-income-earning young mother into a healthy, focused, and disciplined woman to whom education and livelihood were paramount. Though the task appeared daunting, and the woman I envisioned becoming a complete stranger, I knew deep inside that I could do it; and that the woman who seemed like a distant stranger was just a more mature, future version of myself that I could one day meet if I were willing to put in the hard work.

Committing to doing the hard work was the first step in what has now become my life’s purpose: the capacity building of the African-American single mother. Almost a decade-and-a-half after the heartening acceptance of my role as a single mother, my goal is to help other young mothers begin the same journey that changed my life and has placed my son on a path to becoming a success instead of a statistic. My non-profit organization, Single Mothers for Success, and its flagship program, DumaVillage, aim to ensure that single mothers have the tools, information, resources and networks of support necessary for success.

Single-parenting is far from the ideal situation for any child or parent. I pray that the work my organization does will one day render it unnecessary. The ultimate goal is that all African-American children will have access to the development and opportunities that condition them to make life choices that move them away from lives of poverty and struggle and toward prosperity and fulfillment, making single parenting the exception and not the rule. But, as with the organization’s clients, we as a community have to take the first step: acceptance. We first have to accept the fact that close to 70 percent of African-American children are born to unwed mothers. We then have to (step two) decide where we’re heading. I’d venture to say that most prefer a place where African-American single mothers are not the norm. And (step three), we all have to believe that as a community we can get there.

Leida Speller is Founder and CEO of Single Mothers for Success, Inc., a non-profit organization determined to help improve the lives of single African-American mothers struggling to care for their families. Her passion is to encourage them, despite their many challenges, to dream big dreams for themselves and their children; and to not allow their lives to get buried under the debris of struggle, self-doubt, and the seemingly impossible. Her organization’s flagship program, DumaVillage, equips its participants with the tools, information and support they need to begin to take their lives to a new level and consistently provide their children with the love, safety, stability and healthy-parenting all children deserve.

Read more articles by Leida Speller