MamaSpeak: Let the Celebration Begin!

Mother’s Day afternoon I was sitting in my living room working when my son marched in with a small bouquet of flowers, a balloon, and a card wishing me a Happy Mother’s Day. As I read the card, I was completely overcome by a deep sense of joy, gratitude and accomplishment. It was the first time I had ever thought such words could apply to me. I had never before felt so valued and appreciated. I could barely handle the volume of emotion building inside me all at once. The card read as follows:

You’ve always been the one to take care of me,
To guide me through all of life’s twists and turns,
To let me know I was completely and unconditionally loved.
I will never be able to thank you enough for all you’ve done for me.

He went on to add:

Mom,
Thanks for being the perfect mother and putting my needs before yours.
I can never repay you for all you’ve done. I love you so much!

Happy Mother’s Day!!

P.S. I’ll buy you a Range Rover one day LOL!

While literally inaccurate (I’m definitely not a perfect mother, and I know that I haven’t always put his needs before my own–I am human), the “spirit” of his message rang true and resonated deeply. I sensed that what he wanted to convey was that he recognizes all of my hard work; all of the sacrifices; and he recognizes that, at the end of every day, he has always been my highest priority. Not only was I deeply moved by his words, but for the first time in my son’s 20 years on earth, I allowed myself to receive acknowledgement. I accepted the compliment, in so many words, of being a “good” mother. It could not have come from a better source.

I’ve rarely given myself enough, if any, credit. It is through God’s grace and mercy that my son is alive and well and thriving; but as the steward God entrusted as his earthly guide and nurturer, I’ve played a vital role in his development. And while I don’t believe it’s necessary or even appropriate to go around constantly singing my own praises as a mother; my praises also should not go completely unsung. It is perfectly OK to have the value I’ve brought to my son’s experience on earth acknowledged and celebrated and to even acknowledge and celebrate it myself. Unfortunately, it took me 20 years of being a mom to finally embrace this idea. It took me 20 years of being a mom to finally feel worthy.

Clearly, the late arrival to the celebration of me as a mom has a lot to do with my late arrival to the celebration of me as me. But the important thing is that I’ve arrived and I’m ready to celebrate! I’m ready to celebrate my level of commitment for all these years; I’m ready to celebrate my willingness to make so many sacrifices – big and small – on my son’s behalf; I’m ready to celebrate the successes that he and I have realized, and continue to realize on our journey together as mother and son. I’m ready to celebrate by living life more fully than I ever imagined as a young, struggling single mom. I’ve earned it. I deserve it. I wish I’d known that 20 years ago. Nonetheless, I have not a single regret. I believe very deeply that my steps were ordered to enable me to inspire other single mothers, even in the midst of their sacrificing and struggles, to remember that their own lives are still worthy of full expression; even if it’s a dream deferred. And while on our individual and unique journeys through motherhood, we all deserve the acknowledgement that others feel compelled to bestow upon us for giving our children the best of who we are. Just let it all land. Graciously accept the compliment.

Without fail, every year the days leading up to Mother’s Day bring my usual mantra: “Toris, please don’t buy me anything for Mother’s Day…I prefer that you save your money or spend it on something you need. The best Mother’s Day gift you can give me is to continue to move toward building a beautiful adult life for yourself.” While I do want and expect my son to exhibit this progress, I now realize that I actually look for this every day, not just Mother’s Day. My excusing him from buying me gifts for Mother’s Day (and my birthday and Christmas) has been more about me not feeling worthy of acknowledgement than anything else. I am lucky he’s smart enough to never honor this request.

From now own, the days leading up to Mother’s Day will bring a revised mantra: “Toris, I can’t wait to see what you’ll get me for Mother’s Day. I hope it will be the Range Rover you promised in 2010!”

Leida Speller is Founder and CEO of Single Mothers for Success, Inc., a non-profit organization determined to help improve the lives of single African-American mothers struggling to care for their families. Her passion is to encourage them, despite their many challenges, to dream big dreams for themselves and their children; and to not allow their lives to get buried under the debris of struggle, self-doubt, and the seemingly impossible. Her organization’s flagship program, DumaVillage, equips its participants with the tools, information and support they need to begin to take their lives to a new level and consistently provide their children with the love, safety, stability and healthy-parenting all children deserve.

Read more articles by Leida Speller