MamaSpeak: Stop Wishing Me “Happy Father’s Day!”
June 14, 2010 by Leida Speller

It’s a blessing to have loved ones who support and encourage you through life’s biggest challenges. My gratitude for this blessing runs deep. My understanding of how sincere and well-intentioned their actions have been – complete. Nonetheless, there is one day of the year when well-meaning gestures create such dissonance within me that I dread to see it coming: Father’s Day.
It never fails. Every Father’s Day at least three people will wish me a Happy Father’s Day. I am not a father. I can’t ever be a father. There is nothing I could ever do to completely take the place of my son’s absent father. And I’ve never tried. I simply accepted the fact that my co-parent chose to be an absent father, and vowed to be the best mother I could be. I also prayed that, in terms of developing my son into a healthy, productive contributor to society, everything I and others who cared for him could give him would be sufficient.
Looking back on it now, raising a son with an absent father has been a chronically painful experience. While there wasn’t an urgent, intrusive or even daily awareness of it, the hurt was always there – subtly woven into the backdrop of my experience as a mom. We all want our children to have everything necessary to support their healthy development, and I knew my son didn’t have a father. I also knew that on some level he had to hurt, too; which was at the root of my own pain. He grew up with a diverse group of classmates and friends and most of their fathers were present and active. The same was true for the friendships developed through athletic and extracurricular activities. I was always fearful of how he felt, and to be honest, how they felt about him. I never wanted him to feel as though he was lacking because of what his father chose not to give him. Nor did I want him to be judged as “missing something in his home” by the parents of his friends and peers because he was being raised by a single mother. A lot of fear and pain colored my experience as a mother with an absent co-parent. But, fortunately, love, commitment and determination dominated it.
I’ve been many things to my son: mom, tutor, confidant, friend, etc.; but never a father. I hated the fact that my son was growing up without one. However, I refused to hide from it and, instead, acknowledged the void it created in his life and knew there had to be alternatives to filling it. The value that having a loving and engaged father adds to a child’s life is priceless and irreplaceable; however, I’ve learned that there are alternatives that offer some of the “essence” of that experience for children with absent fathers.
Mothers, we have to build a village. We have to create a network of support around us and our children that includes family, friends, neighbors, educators, mentors, coaches…the list goes on. We have to expose our children to positive male figures who genuinely care about their well-being and success, and who are willing to invest something in our children to prove it: The uncle who talks to and embraces him as his own; the basketball coach who is committed to showing up for practice every day because he is passionate about the sport and the young boys who want to learn it; The friend’s dad who invites him to a movie and a day of refining his basketball skills with them; the science teacher who tells him he’s smart and should consider a career in science. All of these, and countless others, are examples of small deposits men have made into my son that have made a big difference in his life and mine.
But I had to show up. I had to make the effort to expose him to the passionate coach by signing him up for the sport and getting him to practice and games. I had to help facilitate the friendships with classmates and peers whose parents served as positive role models and took an interest in him. I had to show up for teacher “meet and greets” and PTA meetings and show teachers and administrators that I was an engaged parent and expected the same from them as educators. And I just happened to be blessed with the best brother any single mother could have who has invested so much love, time and money in my son that I could never repay him.
I’m not a father, so please don’t wish me Happy Father’s Day. I praise the men who are loving and committed fathers and know that I could never be them. I’m just a mother who recognized the void an absent father created in her son’s life and invited a village to stand with me in the gap. A mother who made sure there was no shortage of love.




Dan- on Wed, 16th Jun 2010 10:19 pm
Bravo!
Talibah Mbonisi on Wed, 16th Jun 2010 11:32 pm
@Dan: Agreed! I think Leida has taken a very different position than many mothers I know. Many mothers want the credit for covering both roles but also recognize that, in fact, they *are* mothers, not fathers. I’m very curious about feedback from other parents.
Leida on Wed, 16th Jun 2010 11:49 pm
@Dan: Thank you so much! I appreciate the support. @Talibah: I, too, am curious about feedback from other parents / perspectives.
Tina Portis on Sat, 19th Jun 2010 9:21 am
This is a great article! This happened to me once and I was offended. I do seek to see the “other person’s point of view” and I understand that many people just do not understand.
Leida on Sat, 19th Jun 2010 1:22 pm
Thanks, Tina! I’m glad you enjoyed the article and shared your point of view.
Laila on Sun, 20th Jun 2010 12:21 pm
Thank you so much for this post. I am also a single mom to a son and have made it known to people that I do not like “Happy Father’s Day” messages. I always find that they come from people who don’t have children,lol. Sure they mean well but I’m confused as to why they would think that I would want to be a father figure to my son. My son is lucky to have 2 grandfathers and a host of uncles who are helping me in that department.
Leida on Sun, 20th Jun 2010 2:26 pm
Thanks for your comment, Laila. I’m happy to hear that your son also has a strong village supporting him and his mom!
Nikolai Pizarro @iwantwealth on Sun, 20th Jun 2010 9:39 pm
A-MEN! My husband is doing Fed time and even he, this year, said to me, Father’s Day goes to you, since you are holding the fort.
No sir. I am a hell of a mom but a father I am not.
Do I have a heavier load? Yes.
But I see that as my ROLE as a mother. I do not father my son. I can not replace my husband. And the co-parenting that we both participate in, is a valid experience…to thank ME negates HIS (my husband’s) experience and HIS role. It also REDEFINES mine without my permission.
Happy Mother’s Day suits me fine, as does…you’re doing a great job!
Thank you for such a great post!
Leida on Sun, 20th Jun 2010 11:42 pm
Thank you for your comment, Nikolai. I agree, having to expand our capacity as mothers does not make us fathers.
I guess what’s real for me is the fact that there has not been a single thing that I’ve done for my son to which he’s responded “thanks dad.” He has never felt that he had a father present simply because I’ve had to do so much alone. I think he just believes that he has a really good mom.
Thanks again for sharing!
Rhonda Thompson on Mon, 21st Jun 2010 9:49 am
Powerful message! Yesterday I saw a ” Mahogany” father’s day card with a woman on front that acknowledged her role as a father figure. I got a chuckle out of it. In my journey, the co-parent walked away during the early teenage years. During that time I never asked, “What would a father do?” My role as Mom meant I had more to do. I was fortunate to have family support, but there were still rough times. I look at my children today and I am amazed and so thankful to GOD for the wonderful adults they have become. So I say, do acknowledge me on Mother’s Day, my birthday, Grandparent’s Day or any other day except father’s day. I am not a father, I am simply Mom.