MamaSpeak: Co-Parenting and Grief–On Losing Love and Finding Yourself

I recently heard a phenomenal sermon relating to grieving. The sermon focused on getting through and past the 3 stages of grieving. They are:

• Numbness
• Disorganization
• Reorganization

The first step, numbness is a state of severe shock and denial of the death. Life and everything in it seems unreal, like you are living a dream. A really bad dream. You may distance yourself from people and life and be stuck in your emotions and thoughts.

Disorganization is next and is surrounded by emotional chaos. You may feel irate, annoyed, relieved, panicked, or devastated. If the death was sudden and tragic, you may feel like you need to seek revenge. Depression kicks in as you realize your loved one is gone, as well as fear, and physical agony.

The last stage is that of reorganization. In this stage you reorganize your life and learn to live with the loss of your loved one. You learn to readjust and become more emotionally stable.

After you’ve gone through these stages, a new you emerges. So they say.

After hearing this powerful sermon I realized that I am grieving the end of my relationship with my daughter’s father and our new co-parenting situation.

I’m currently in the disorganization stage and am an emotional wreck. Even though we ended our relationship two years ago, I am still in a state of severe disorganization. I am an uncontrollable emotional being living in a state of constant chaos and confusion. I am devastated we are not together; I’m angry, fearful, anxious, panicked, depressed, lonely, and unwilling to move past my own grief to reorganize my life. I don’t know how, I can’t imagine my life being reorganized, can’t imagine it someday being ok that we are now co-parents and not soul mates. I’m so stuck on him and what was, than I cannot accept and appreciate what is and what is to come. I know that in order to be emotionally free I need to find a way to push through this disorganization phase, regardless of how much it hurts. Regardless of how many tears I shed. Regardless of how long it takes. Of course I don’t want to be living in this stage for the rest of my life, but I’ve come to realize and respect its time in my life. I am grieving, and I need to allow myself space and time to grieve in my own way. Though I do realize that the sooner this phase ends, the sooner I can reorganize my life.

MamaSpeak: Is Co-Parenting Really Worth All the Effort?

I had never heard of co-parenting until I was smack in the middle of it. Many different reasons lead to my daughter’s father and I ending our relationship. For a while after our relationship ended, I still acted like we were together. Assuming he would be as involved as when we were together. Assuming I could just go over and hang out at his house. Assuming that the feelings he had for me were still there. Guess my head gets stuck up in the clouds sometimes.

It took a long time for me to accept our situation and even longer to view it as a co-parenting situation. I was bitter, and I was downright mad at the situation. I was angry that we weren’t still together and that when it came to our daughter, we had two varying opinions. I said left; he went right. We didn’t talk to each other. We barked. We scowled. We yelled. I was so sure that my way was the best way. I mean, I’m her Mother. I was the one who carried her for 9 months, breastfed her, read her bedtime stories, did her hair in the morning, knew she liked her apples cut in thin slices not thick. And what did he know? Nothing…if you asked me back then. I didn’t value his place in her life, and it all comes back to me being bitter and angry that we weren’t together.

I couldn’t harbor all those negative emotions inside of me forever. It wasn’t healthy for me or my daughter. It was draining all of my energy being so mean, so I had to let it go and embrace the idea of co-parenting. I had to accept him as her Father and her Dad and an equal being in our daughter’s life. Because she isn’t just my daughter, she is our daughter; and we both have a responsibility to keep her healthy, safe, and happy.

Co-parenting matters because my daughter’s happiness is my number one priority. She and her Dad have this unbreakable bond that I don’t understand at all. But I have learned that I don’t need to understand their bond. That’s something special that only they share. When I see them together, when I see my daughter’s face light up as she yells, “Daddy”…well, that’s why co parenting matters. My daughter is lucky and has two parents who think she is the most precious thing on this planet and want nothing more than to see her smile every day.

I want us to be able to have a pleasant conversation, I want us to be able to all go out to dinner together and laugh and have a good time. I want to be able to call him without it being a yelling match. And I want our daughter to know that Mommy and Daddy are ok with being around each other. We owe that to her.

MamaSpeak: So What if I’m not a Celebrity Single Mom

I have to admit, I’m a bit obsessed with celebrity gossip. I browse through gossip magazines while I’m waiting in line at the grocery store, and I follow some gossip sites online. One of the things I’ve noticed is the trend of glamorizing celebrity single moms. I find this mind blowing, because regular single moms like myself don’t get the same treatment day to day.

From Sandra Bullock to Kate Gosselin to Halle Berry, there is tremendous support from society backing these celebrity single moms as they make their way through single mommyhood. They are splattered on the covers of InTouch and UsWeekly, sharing their heartaches, their struggles with trying to live a normal life. We see them on Oprah talking about their journey, and we get sucked in. We buy their magazines, we go see their movies, we subscribe into the glamorization. Why can’t this same support be had for non-celebrity single moms? Are we not good enough?

I’m a single mom, a younger-single-minority mom to be exact. Society sends the message that young-single-minority moms won’t be successful. They won’t attend college. They won’t secure a steady job. They won’t make enough money, so they will have to depend on the system. They are immature, irresponsible, and should have waited to have a child. These messages are constantly relayed through movies, magazines, books, and TV. You always hear about the plight of a single mom, the hardships she’s been through as she struggles to find stability. I’m not ignoring this fact, but where are the stories that speak of single moms graduating college or buying their first home? Where are the stories highlighting single moms starting their own businesses or volunteering within their communities? Does society not think that these stories will attract enough attention? Are these stories just not interesting enough?

I’m not ashamed that I’m a single mom, and don’t know why I get the sideways looks when I tell people I am. Maybe it’s because I don’t fit the mold of what a non-celebrity single mom looks like. I am enrolled in college, I have a car (old but running most of the time), I have a steady job, and my own apartment. I struggle with being a single mom, but I want no one’s pity or sympathy. I don’t need anyone in my ear telling me I’m doing a good job, but I would like to see my demographic positively acknowledged within society. The messages I come across don’t support me along my journey. In order to obtain resources I have to be a poor single mom. What’s up with that?

We support these celebrity single moms and tell them they can do it, no problem! Why is the message we send to non-celebrity moms so dissimilar? Why do we tell them they will fail?  Why can’t the message be the same regardless of celebrity status?

All mothers-single, young, old, married, or widowed-should be respected and supported in our society. The amount of support we give Mothers should not be dependent on how much money they earn.
My life is by no means glamorous, nor does it need to be. What is most important is the love I have for my daughter. What I would appreciate is if society would respect and appreciate me as a Mother.