Book Review: How to Survive and Win as a Co-Parent

One of my favorite resources as a family practice attorney is How to Survive and Win as A Co-Parent, written by Arline S. Kerman. Though this book was copyrighted in 2006, the content is as relevant to any co-parenting challenge you are facing right now–today. It is a resource guide for all parents: single, married, separated or divorced.

The object of this book is to guide those parents who want specific steps to successfully co-parent. It contains real stories which illustrate how the lives of parents and their children can be destroyed when parents are: (1) not motivated to co-parent and (2) not trained to implement a co-parenting agreement. This guide is written from Arline Kerman’s qualified view as an attorney, Doctor of Psychology and mother. With these credentials, her resource exhibits a full understanding of family dynamics.

The opening chapter questions why co-parenting is such a problem for some parents. It exposes some possible reasons that may already be familiar to you. After reviewing this situation for over 30 years, the author determines that there is no single answer to the problems of co-parenting. So, the book begins the journey of sharing cooperative strategies and a co-parenting plan, both designed to promote cooperation between parents, as well as, address and resolve those child-related issues that usually cause problems. Her theme is “Stop the war! Fighting is NEVER an option!“

The most practical portion is contained in Chapter Two, which gives a list of 24 Cooperative Strategies for Parents. A few of these are: (1) consult and confer with the other parent in a positive and non-confrontational manner; (2) admit when you are wrong; (3) realize that flexibility means reasonableness and not weakness. The author actually walks you through implementing each of the 24 strategies and explains to you why they are important to the well being of your child.

Because I am a firm believer that no parent should point the finger without taking an introspective look at oneself, I am tickled that this guide calls for self-evaluation. I am sure you will have big fun answering the questions set forth like: “Why should you admit to your mistakes when it relates to the care of the child?” The 30 questions force you to judge and determine whether you are an antagonist or protagonist in the parenting battle. Seeing you is sometimes difficult, yet very essential to the process of peace.

If parents want to modify their attitudes about each other and their attitudes toward better co-parenting and communication, this book is an excellent resource. There is so much more useful information that I simply encourage you to seek and find in the 356 pages. I will tell you that the back cover of the book contains a CD with treasured information that you do not want to continue without.

This book is available on Amazon.com or for purchase directly from Dr. Kerman. Dr. Kerman is also a co-founder of the Institute for Co-Parenting Resolution and author of Should You Really Seek Custody of Your Child?, Do you Really Want to be a Stepparent? and Sally Rose-A Teenage Casualty of a Custody Battle.

Five Keys to Effective Co-Parenting

Co-parenting can be one of the most difficult aspects of divorce or separation. The residual relationship pain and the challenge of parenting across two households leave too many families in the throes of drama.  If I gave you a set of keys that would allow you to access peace in your co-parenting relationship, would you use them? Great! Let’s unlock a few doors that may have held you back.

1)  Get rid of the term, “my kids”.

Do not use this phrase in disputing with the other parent.  Children are not the personal property of either one of you.  Regardless of whether you like each other, you must accept that you are co-creators with joint responsibility to guide your children as arrows in your quiver.

2)  Don’t discount the other parent as being incapable of making a final decision regarding your child.

Be deeply honest with yourself.  Do you fear you will lose power if you let the other parent make a final decision pertaining to “your” child?  If the answer is, “yes,” recognize that your fear is leading you into selfish thinking.  (Ouch–I know that hurt but take a big gulp and let’s keep learning.) The point is this:  Lead your emotions; don’t let them lead you.  Allowing the other parent to make a final decision (medical, educational, religious, etc.) does not minimize who you are.  At the end of the day, you are still a parent to your child.

Your ability to control your emotions as it pertains to shared parenting has great benefits.  First, it does wonders for the parental confidence of the other parent.  Second, it gives that parent a personal connection to the child.  (If this is another “Ouch” for you, remember Key #1.) It also allows that parent to exercise his or her wisdom as one who does not make decisions for the child on a daily basis.  After all, you cannot expect strong and skilled parenting decisions, if you are not willing to allow the other parent to develop.  Giving room to sometimes make final decisions is motivation for a parent’s involvement in the child’s life.

Yes!  There is something in this for you, too, if you are the primary caretaker–comfort in knowing that in your absence, there is another parent who loves your child and takes seriously the job of making wise decisions.

3.  Be accountable in your words and deeds to the other parent and to your child.

Let your “yes” be a “yes”, and your “no” be a “no”.  Just do what you say you will do.  If you cannot perform your word, then speak up about it.  Give the other parent and your child, if age-appropriate, a truthful explanation of your intention and plans to make your word good.  Failing to do so destroys your relationship with the other parent.

Even more damaging, it plants seeds in your child that carry wounds into adulthood.  Those seeds are doubt and anger.  Doubt is really a form of fear–fear that you will lose something or be taken advantage of if you believe another person’s word.  So, as a defense mechanism, your child may adapt to doubting what people say in his or her daily life.  Your child is then burdened with evaluating every person through the eyes of the “truth” or a “lie.”  What a heavy burden to carry all because a parent repeatedly planted seeds of unaccountability.

4.  Compliment the other parent for a change.

An important element of co-parenting involves encouraging one another to be a better parent.  When one parent has done something well–just say it!  It’s not complicated.  It won’t kill you!  And, the only thing it will cost you is a lot of your pride.  After mastering this key, you will begin to see that your pride is really not that valuable considering the results you will reap.  Acknowledging a simple thing goes such a long way toward nurturing a healthy relationship between parents.  It is as simple as a custodial parent saying:  “Thank you for calling the kids today.  They love talking to you and it makes my day easier when they are happy.” Or a non-custodial parent saying: “I know every day with our son isn’t easy for you.  You are really doing a good job.  What can I do this week to help you?”

5.  Make a quality decision to give your child every advantage in life.

In order to give your chid every advantage, allow them to benefit from the best that is within you.  And, allow them to benefit from the best that is within their other parent.  OK.  Some of you are thinking, “All the best things are in me!”  If that’s you, continue to meditate on and practice keys #1, #2 and #4!