WeParent » RJ Jaramillo

Back to School Checklist for the Single Parent

RJ Jaramillo — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 04:23:13 +0000

Yes, it is time to get our kids back on a school schedule. This article is a reminder for some, and a very important checklist for the new single parent. I have gathered a lot of suggestions from our SingleDad.com members who wanted to share their tips for getting prepared for the school year.

Clothes Inventory

Keeping an inventory of clothes between divorced parent’s households has its own unique challenges. Depending on the relationship status, it is perfectly normal to label your child’s clothes for the sake of inventory exchange. I would strongly recommend disclosing your reason for marking the clothes. Your goal is to make every effort to keep an open dialog. Offering a bi-weekly clothes exchange will help keep both household’s clothes inventory balanced and communication between all parties peaceful. Make sure your markings are distinct to you, but not embarrassing to your child.

Clothes Shopping

Depending on where you live and the late summer/early fall weather, it is smart to wait to buy school clothes after the school year starts. Most department stores and clothes retailers will offer additional discounts on school clothes after the school year has started. If you don’t mind a smaller selection of styles and sizes, waiting can pay off big with your wallet. In addition, keeping an eye on some of the discount stores such as Ross, Marshalls and TJ Max can also save you money. If you don’t mind sorting through the selection, I have found these stores can offer some huge savings on quality clothes at less than half the department store price. Another concept that has been gaining popularity is called a clothes exchange. These are organized events that your local church or a community group will sponsor. It is like a clothes-only garage sale. Most of the time no money is required, you just bring your kid’s clothes to offer in exchange. Finally, the thrift store has become the new “cool” place to exchange clothes. Check your local thrift stores to see if they will offer you exchange credits for clothes that you bring in that you can use to pay for new clothes from the shop.

Your Child’s Sleep Schedule

The best advice our members can offer on this subject is to start early. You do not want to attempt to get your kids started on a proper sleep schedule the night before school starts. There is nothing worse than hearing about the whining, complaining and lack of attention that will happen at school from the lack of sleep. Furthermore, it is embarrassing to attending your first parent/teacher meeting and having the entire discussion about your child’s well being. Sleep is as important as food and water. If you are newly divorced, make sure you and your ex set a time for your child’s bedtime. It is recommended that your child gets 8 to 10 hours of sleep a night.

Emergency Contact and Health Insurance Information

For a variety of reasons, some single parents do not have the participation of the other parent in child’s daily school life. This is where it is especially important to have your emergency contact available and shared with another family member, friend, or relative. I have a “Gal Pals / Guy Pals” in place which are other friends of mine that I can rely on as back up for any emergency related to my children and school activities. Make sure your emergency contact has a copy of your health insurance information, family doctor’s name and phone number. Another important tip is to save this information on your cell phone but make sure this information is typed in backwards so the information will be harder to understand by anyone else but you if you ever lose the phone.

At the beginning of every school year, your child’s school will ask for all of your personal information and it is perfectly normal and important to disclose on the information packet that you are a single parent and if you are sharing custody or have sole custody. Make sure your school knows your status and how they can contact you. Don’t make assumptions; make sure your child’s teacher has your contact information as well. It is also perfectly normal to request a teacher’s contact information like an email address. This information gives you the opportunity to send an e-mail with all of your contact information directly to your teacher and gives both parties a direct method of communication. This is especially important if you are co-parenting. Staying up-to-date on homework and school activities through e-mail avoids any miscommunication between parties.

I hope these suggestions were helpful and that your Back to School routines will go as smoothly as possible. For more information on Single Parent advice and resources, go to www.singledad.com.

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SingleDad’s 3 Top Tips for Communicating with Your Ex

RJ Jaramillo — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 21:46:41 +0000

Thanks to RJ of SingleDad.com for permission to post this article.

This past month, I have received several requests regarding Single Parent dating Advice. One of them caught my immediate attention, and it read something like this:

“I am dating a SingleDad and he communicates with his ex-wife too much, how do I stop him?”

I was interested in getting the rest of the story, so I made contact with the member to elaborate on what was going on in this relationship. For the sake of everyone’s privacy in this story, I’m going to call the girlfriend Mary, the single dad Mike, and the ex-wife Nancy.

So Mary’s telling me that she has been dating Mike for over two years now and she feels that her relationship is pretty committed and that Mike and she have the “two home exchange” going on pretty well. This is something where the Single Parent couple will stay at the other person’s house for the weekend and “exchange” destinations every other time when they have a “no kid” weekends. I find this romantic and it happens all the time in most Single Parent relationships. So as the relationship has grown over the two years, Mary just can’t shake the ongoing and frequent communication that Mike is having with Nancy.

I asked, “How frequent do they talk?” Mary explains, “at least 3 to 5 times a day”. “About what?” I asked as I thought aloud. What bothers Mary is the fact that every time that Nancy calls, Mike purposely leaves the room and talks in whispers for hours to Nancy. “For hours?” I ask.

It appears that Mike will get a morning, afternoon, and an evening call from Nancy. What they talk about, nobody knows but them. What is certain is the type of behavior that Mike is showing every time Nancy calls is bothering Mary. This behavior is not sitting well with Mary for a couple of reasons. First, when Mary approached Mike about the frequency, there was immediate denial and the conversation was ended. Nobody likes to be “called out” and maybe this is what happens when Mary inquires about Mike’s behavior. And second, maybe there is something to hide, or maybe not. What needs to be discussed is the “choice and consequence” to what’s going on between the couple and their lack of communication in their relationship. You can’t change a person’s choice; you can only let him know the consequences of their choices.

I asked Mary to write down the following advice and follow these three easy steps:

Step 1: Make sure to start this conversation with a “disclaimer”. I know this sounds funny, but most of us want to feel safe in a conversation before feeling attacked which results in taking on a defensive role. If you want results, try starting the conversation with, “I am not mad you, nobody’s right or wrong in this conversation, I just want to make sure that I am doing my part on having a discussion in the best possible way with you”… The choice is his now. Does he feel important to change his choices? You have his attention, let’s go to the next step and see.

Step 2: Take ownership for how you feel. This sounds strange, but many times we are not “saying what we mean” under the duress of an argument. We often think we are explaining ourselves very clearly in the heat of the battle, when often, we’re not. Start a conversation this way, “Mike I am feeling uncomfortable, or I feel awkward when this happens and I don’t know how to talk about it and I need your help”… and it is best to wait, be patient for a reply instead of jumping into assumptions or interruptions. Allow Mike to “Visualize” what is going on for you as you walk him through the picture of what you see and feel.

Step 3: Give your results a realistic time frame. Most of the time, these past behaviors built up over time. And they are not going away overnight. In fact, it’s healthier to see the gradual change in a partner’s behavior than a “Cold Turkey” approach, (the rebound is much more severe). It takes more effort to acknowledge the positive, so take a stand and show the courage with your partner that you notice even the little improvements in the relationship. Most of the time we fall into the gap of “negative reinforcement” and often talk about the glass half empty approach and point out what’s wrong instead of what’s right. Make every effort in pointing out the positive and you will see better lasting results.

I will keep you posted on their results. Please feel free to comment on this subject on our SingleDad Forum.

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