MamaSpeak: Can You Be a Co-Parent if You’re not Co-Parenting?

I can’t count the number of times a frustrated parent has lamented to me, “You can’t be a co-parent, if the other parent won’t.”  Yeah.  I feel you.  And, really, I get it.  It’s a reasonable perspective.

But, it’s only one perspective.

There’s another that asserts that who you are and what you do doesn’t have to be contingent upon what anyone else is doing or being.

Yeah, maybe I can’t actively co-parent (the verb) without someone with whom to do it.  But, does that mean I can’t be a co-parent (the noun)…just without a partner?  Call me crazy, but I think it’s possible.  (Whatchu talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?)

It’s all about who you say you are; What you’re committed to; who you’re willing to be for the sake of your children…and your integrity.

See, for me, a co-parenting is kind of like a religion…and I strive to be a faithful follower…a devoted co-parent.  It frames how I choose to be in this world, in my relationship with my child’s other parent.  It isn’t relative, my sense of myself as a co-parent, because I stand committed to it regardless.

There are many times when I fall short.  I’m no co-parenting saint.  In fact, I admit to being a backslider.  But, there is a force larger than me, greater than any co-parenting sin I might commit—my love for my child—that gives me the strength to forgive my transgressions, to stand and step forward again believing that the journey will be worth it in the end.

When my son’s father fails to follow one or all of the Co-Parenting Commandments, it doesn’t change the fact that I have chosen to be a believer and to adhere to the tenets of my faith.  It does not mean that it is acceptable for me to treat him as anything less than a parent of my child; one who is human, and fallible, perhaps even a non-believer…and who despite it all, is loved steadfastly and unconditionally by our child.

See, for me, co-parenting is all about what I believe in, what I choose to be committed to, what I will stand for even in the face of apparent impossibility.  And defining myself as a co-parent is all about who I choose to be.  It’s a state of mind; a way of thinking about myself and my child’s father that guides me in being the best parent I can be for our son–independently of what his father may or may not be doing or being in any given moment.

It’s also a commitment.  A beacon of light that illuminates the steps to take along a sometimes treacherous path.  A lighthouse that stands unmoved by the ebbs and flows of my co-parenting relationship, pulling me back on course when I have lost my way.

Sure, I have crises of faith.  Welcome to the human condition.  Whether it’s faith a higher power, in ourselves, or in humanity, doubt will creep into the cracks, leading us to wonder if it’s really worth it, if our faith-guided actions really make a difference, if what we believe in really even exists.

And, the truth is, we don’t really know.  We have no guarantees.

The skeptics may be right.

Still, I remain a faithful, committed co-parent.  Amen.

Co-Parent Meetups Coming to a Location Near You!

When WeParent first launched we tried to start a local Meetup…#FAIL.  But, fortunately, our friends at CoParenting101.org have inspired us to try again…and to encourage you to get involved, too!  They’ve sent out a call for people interested in organizing or attending a co-parent meetup in your area.  We’re supporting this effort in a couple of ways:

• We’re going to organize an Atlanta-area meetup, so stay tuned for details.
• We’ll post meetups on WeParent.com on our Events page, our newsletter, our Facebook page and Twitter to keep you updated.  So make sure you’re following us.
• If you’re interested in hosting or attending, you can fill out the short form below, and we’ll get it to Deesha and Mike at CoParenting101.

Co-Parenting After Coming Out…This Week on Co-Parenting Matters

Dear John, I Love Jane is a collection of 27 essays by women who left their relationships with men for women, some of whom are now co-parenting. This week, we welcome to the “Co-Parenting Matters” show two co-parenting moms, Candace Walsh and Leigh Stuart who are, respectively, the editor of and a contributor to Dear John… We’ll talk with them about their co-parenting experiences in the wake of such life-changing personal discoveries and transitions.

And courtesy of Seal Press, we’ll be giving away two copies of Dear John, I Love Jane during the show.  There are two social media savvy ways to enter to win:

1. Tweet about this show. Make sure to @coparentingshow, @weparent, or @coparenting101 (or all of them)

2.  Like us on Facebook and post about the show. Be sure to tag WeParent.com or CoParenting101.org (to tag us on a post, type @WeParent, e.g..  If you are our Friend on FB, we’ll appear in a drop-down list that will be auto-generated when you begin typing).  This will notify us of your posting, and we’ll enter you in the drawing.

Then, be sure to join us for the show on Sunday, Feb. 20th at 9:30 PM ET on BlogTalkRadio!

MamaSpeak: Co-Parenting is the New Black History Celebration

As the daughter of a Black Studies pioneer and a history major, myself, the study of Black history has always been an integral part of my life.  It was all around me, on the bookshelves of my parents’ home, in the framed art on their walls, in the lessons my father taught to college students.  It just was.  No special month required.  So, despite the identity crises resulting from being raised in a lily white college town, I was well-versed in the proud heritage from which I sprang…kings and queens of African nations, revolutionaries and activists, heroes and sheroes whose names were rarely found in any of my school books.

In the past few years, though, “Black History” has taken on new meaning for me.  Thanks to my father’s interest and commitment to doing genealogical research on his family, I have been blessed with a more intimate connection to the history embedded in my biological and cultural DNA.  And, learning that history has influenced my story about myself in ways that no knowledge of an ancient Egyptian pharaoh ever could.

For much of my life my story has been about fear—fear of failing, fear of succeeding, fear of looking like an idiot, fear of getting hurt…you name it.  You’ve felt it.  At so many points in my life, I have been confronted by this paralyzing thought that I can’t do it (whatever it is). Whatever the ingredient was that makes some people do it anyway…I believed I didn’t have it.  It just wasn’t in my genetic code.  And, it cost me.  I mortgaged some valuable opportunities and hoarded some important contributions that might have made a difference somewhere to someone.  But, that was my story, at least the first draft, and I was sticking to it.

But, inspired by his research, my father started to share new stories…well, old ones, really, but, new to me.  And, those stories inspired a new draft of my own.  The heroes of these tales include an Uncle who won the pardon of his brother after decades of hard labor on a Mississippi chain gang for exacting his own sense of justice with a shotgun at a time when and a place where there was no justice for a little Black girl, his daughter, who had been raped.  And, also among them are landowning freedmen from Virginia, brothers, unjustly enslaved and sent to Mississippi after the Dred Scott decision, only to reemerge there as freedmen and landowners again decades later; a feat as impressive as turning water into wine during that era.  My father’s interest has connected us to the Bubi people of Bioko island, known for overcoming their own incessant internal warfare when necessary to collectively kick the assess of slavers who attempted to set foot upon the shores of their island.

The moral of these stories for me is that I come from some fierce stock.  My people, my kin, were determined, justice-loving, do-or-die, nuttin’ nice kind of folks both on the continent and on the plantation, and that is the blood that flows in me.  The closeness of some of this history, the specificity of it, has reshaped who I know myself to be in many ways.  It has given me certainty that the immediate past is not all that defines me and that I have a direct and traceable connection to some bad ass Black folks.  And, though it is difficult to explain, it is empowering for me to be able to say with certainty that I, too, am a bad ass Black woman…and I get that trait from my great-great-grandfather on my father’s side.  So, as I enter into the second half of my life, I do it armed with the second draft of my story…one that serves me more fully than the first.

And, I wish that for every Black child.  If I could give each of our children one Black History Month gift, it would be the opportunity to say with certainty, “Yeah…I am [insert word of power here], and I get that from my mother/father’s side.”

Of course, because our lineage as African people in this country is difficult to trace, there are barriers.  But, perhaps the other part of that tragedy is that because our families have been disconnected by the conflict that often accompanies divorce, separation and never being married…with kids…most of our children never get a true appreciation of the blood that flows through them.

I understand that you might not be enamored with your child’s Mama or Daddy today or ever, but what we have to understand as parents is that our children’s stories don’t start with us.  Many, if not all of us, have hearts that pump blood infused with the inspiration, determination and genius of a line of survivors, strivers and thrivers.  Our shortsightedness, the Baby Mama/Baby Daddy drama that we allow to be insurmountable, denies them their rightful access to a connection that could be the healing potion for the parts of their stories that blind them to their possibilities.

Giving our greatest effort to co-parenting and learning and sharing the truth that the weave of their DNA is strong, the reach is deep and the rich blood of both sides of their family flows unhindered within them could be the salve that soothes the pain of the story they carry…and exposes the illusion that because their parents have separated, their family is broken.

Co-Parenting Matters This Week: Parental Alienation–A Family’s Heartbreak

This Sunday on Co-Parenting Matters, we’ll be talking about parental alienation which is “when one parent deliberately damages, and in some cases destroys, the previously healthy, loving relationship between his or her child and the child’s other parent.”  Our guest will Michael Jeffries author of the book, A Family’s Heartbreak:  A Parent’s Introduction to Parental Alienation.  Inspired by his own experiences as an alienated father, Mike co-wrote this book with Dr. Joel Davies to share how normal, healthy parent-child relationships can quickly go from hugs to heartbreak during high-conflict divorce and separation. In addition to being an author, Mike is an ardent advocate for parents and children torn apart by parental alienation.  He serves on the Board of Directors of the Parental Alienation Awareness Organization (PAAO) in his efforts to raise all of our awareness of this destructive behavior.

On Sunday, we’ll be giving away 2 copies of A Family’s Heartbreak, courtesy of Mike Jeffries. During the show, tune in or follow us on Twitter @coparentingshow to find out how you can win one.  (Here’s a hint…you’ll need to call-in, so set a reminder now!)

We hope you’ll join the conversation, too!  Call in at (646)378-0580, listen to the live stream and chat with us online, or tweet us (@coparentingshow).  That’s this Sunday, January 23, at 9:30pm ET.

**Programming note: This show is dedicated to raising awareness of parental alienation and how to protect children.  Our position is that unfounded accusations of parental alienation do not negate the existence of parental alienation.  Therefore, we will not be debating the existence of parental alienation; no calls or comments in that spirit will be acknowledged.

Co-Parenting Matters Anniversary Book Giveaway: “Mother to Son” by Kim Crouch

Kimberley “Kim” Crouch, attorney/publisher/author/radio show host/money motivation manager and mother, has been a supporter of Co-Parenting Matters from the beginning. You may remember Kim from just a few of weeks ago on our ”Financial Tips for Single Parents” show when she joined us with her “The Millionaire Journey” blog co-founder, Lisa Maria Carroll.

We are thrilled to be giving away a copy of her book, Mother To Son: Words of Wisdom, Inspiration and Hope for Today’s Young African-American Men, a wonderful collection of letters penned for her sons and for ours.

Enter to win a copy of Mother to Son by leaving a comment below telling us one important thing every mother should teach her son.

We’ll announce the winner on our Co-Parenting Matters anniversary show this Sunday, October 24^th.  The show airs at 9pm EST, and you can listen via phone at (646)378-0580 or from your computer at www.blogtalkradio.com/coparentingmatters.

Co-Parenting Matters This Week: Dads and Divorce–An Interview with Author Joel Schwartzberg

On this Sunday night’s “Co-Parenting Matters” show, This week we’ll be talking to author Joel Schwartzberg about his book, The 40-Year-Old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad.  Joel is an award winning essayist, screenwriter and speaker among other notable titles. And, he’s also a divorced dad of three who, through his book and other forums, shares the insights he’s gained about parenting, co-parenting, fatherhood and life…all served up with a healthy does of humor. We’ll talk to Joel about all of that and how divorce resulted in his finding himself as a father.

And, yes, we’ll be giving away a copy of  The 40-Year-Old Version to some lucky Co-Parenting Matters listeners.  Entering to win is easy.  Just leave a comment here or tweet us (@coparentingshow) shouting out to a great dad in your life. You can enter until we announce the winners on the show this Su

And we hope you’ll join the conversation too. Call in to 646.378.0580, listen to the live stream and chat with us online, or tweet us @coparentingshow! That’s this Sunday, Oct. 10 @ 9:30 PM ET/6:30 PM PT!

CoParenting101

Co-Parenting and the Power of C.A.R.E on the next “Co-Parenting Matters”

On this Sunday night’s “Co-Parenting Matters” show, our guest will be Nadine Owens-Burton, founder of Owens Burton Consulting and creator of The Power of C.A.R.E., a framework for personal and professional development in which C.A.R.E. is an acronym representing: the Choices you make, the Attitude you project, the Relationships you cultivate and the Effort you exert—which of course are all vital to healthy interactions between co-parents, as well as between parents and their children. We look forward to talking to Nadine about The Power of C.A.R.E. and how co-parents can tap into it for themselves and for their families.

And we hope you’ll join the conversation too. Call in to 646.378.0580 – listen in or join us in the chat room – or Tweet us @coparentingshow! That’s this Sunday, Oct. 3 @ 9:30 PM ET/6:30 PM PT!

“Co-Parenting Teens” on the Next “Co-Parenting Matters” Show

Parenting adolescents is hard work in general, but what unique challenges come with parenting teens across two households?  We’ll explore this question on Sunday night’s episode of “Co-Parenting Matters” on BlogTalk Radio.

We’ll be joined by Annie Fox, an educator, award-winning author, and online adviser to teens and their parents. Annie helps teens get what they need for healthy social/emotional development.

We’ll also be joined by Samantha Gregory, mom of a 14-year-old daughter (and younger son), who foundedRichSingleMomma.com to empower her fellow single mommas to overcome personal obstacles and to become joyful and prosperous.

We hope you’ll join the conversation as well!  That’s Sunday night, 9/12 at 9:30 PM ET/6:30 PM PT on BlogTalkRadio (call in 646.378.0580, chat, or tweet with us @coparentingshow!)

Courtesy of Annie Fox, we are giving away a copy of Book 1 in her Middle School Confidential Series, “Be Confident in Who You Are!” There are 2 ways to enter the giveaway:

1) Leave a comment below sharing one of your middle school memories…happy or horrific.

or…

2) Answer this trivia question: Name one of  Annie Fox’s tips for teaching your daughter relationship smarts.Visit anniefox.com to find out.  Those posting correct answers  in the comments section below will be entered into the drawing.

You can enter right up to Sunday night’s show.  We’ll announce the winner on air and in Twitter.  Enter as often as you’d like!

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