Fatherhood Freestyle: Honoring Mothers

In the spirit of “mama-love,” this father would like to take the opportunity to recognize the importance of mothers in his life and in his ability to father a daughter. So, let me start by saying thank you to my own dear mother and the many mothers who took part in raising me, guiding me, and just loving me.

Growing up, I was blessed to have been raised by an amazing mother. She was a strong woman who instilled in us so many positive characteristics. While I could go on and on about the many wonderful things my mother did for me, I think the thing I am most thankful for is that she taught me how to take care of myself and exercise responsibility and accountability. We did not have a lot of money growing up, and many times struggled to have our basic needs met. However, no matter how difficult things got, my mom taught me how to go after what I wanted and find the win in life. That attribute alone has been a major part of my successes to this day. For example, when I didn’t have enough money for college and my family could not afford it, I went out and literally “raised” the money. When I started my law practice and may not have had the necessary funds, I found access to capital when the banks turned me down. The bottom line is my mom taught us how to work and find a way to accomplish our goals regardless of our resources.

Learning how to find that win in all situations turned out to be fundamentally important in my co-parenting relationship. I guess that is the real focus of this blog. You see, my daughter’s mom and I have had a relationship that has touched on every emotion and seemingly every possible scenario. We have gone from peace to discord, love to anger, yearning to emptiness. Over the past twelve years, our relationship has traveled from the real to the surreal and back again. Through it all, I have learned some important lessons about finding the win and appreciating the importance of mothers.

While I may still be hurt in some respects, I have unequivocally concluded that a peaceful relationship with my co-parent far outweighs the alternative. It is real easy to focus on how I was wronged in the failed relationship. It is easy for me to see things through my perspective only. It takes real courage to see through hurt and understand my co-parent’s positions and perspectives. Having had the opportunity to parent through anger, court, battles and disagreement, I have learned that we must find a way to co-exist and co-parent peacefully. In that spirit and during this month that we recognize mothers, I want to take the opportunity to acknowledge my daughter’s mother and thank her for being a loving mom to our daughter.

I also want to encourage fathers to thank your children’s mother. Even if the relationship is strained, recognizing her importance and value will go a long way. Reflect on the importance of your mother and remember your child will likely value his or her mother in the same way. Fathers, continue to work towards a peaceful relationship with your co-parent, continue to get through the pain and struggle and do everything you can to find peace in your co-parenting relationship. From someone who has been through it all, peace is the best situation for you and for the children. So, let us men honor all the mothers in our lives.

Fatherhood Freestyle: Mamas, Are You Getting in the Way?

About two weeks ago, it was close to midnight and I was getting some food on my way home from the office. Because it was late, I was the only customer and while I waited a young man with a bandana over his face, busted in and robbed the spot. The young robber pressed the gun to my head and demanded that I “get down!” I continue to be shaped by that evening.

After that incident, a good friend suggested I spend some time with my daughter and really just love on her. My daughter had no idea what happened to me and I will not tell her until she is much older. No need to give her unnecessary anxiety. However, my friend encouraged me to really connect with my daughter, because although she had no idea what happened, she almost lost her Daddy.

So, I took the advice and that Friday, after my daughter’s half-day, I picked her up and told her, “Today is all about you Babe. Whatever you want to do, we’re gonna do.” And, we did. We spent a day filled with dad-n-daughter activities that eventually left us exhausted and ready to relax in front of the TV show of her choosing. There we were relaxing and watching T.V., when the doorbell rang.

After not having seen him for eight years, I was shocked to see my father standing at my doorstep. And, after having the gun at my head just a week earlier, this surprise visit added to my surreal experience and caused me to ask, “What is the Universe telling me?” I was not only surprised by this unexpected visit…I was confused.

I let him in. We talked. He met his granddaughter. He had met her when she was three, but she didn’t remember and I don’t think his memory was much better. Nonetheless, he stayed with us for a few days and then took the two-day journey back home.

It was in those three or four days that my Dad and I reconnected, While we did not dwell on the past or his extended absences in my life, we did touch on the topic. And, I learned some things about his perspective that I certainly did not know. While I may have disagreed with many of the decisions my father made while we were growing up, it turns out that he may have made a real effort to be a presence in our lives, and that perspective had never been shared with us. He explained the difficulties he encountered with my mother as he tried to have a presence in our lives. He told me of the times he would drive to our school and watch from outside the fence as my brother and I played at recess. He told me how he would “cry like a baby” while he watched us from a distance. I never knew this, and learning about it at age 38 gave me a new appreciation of my father. I am not taking a position on whether he should have or could have done more to be present in our lives, but I now know he did try and had the desire. I am also not taking a position on how difficult or easy my mother made it for my dad to have a place in our lives.

I simply learned an important lesson from listening to my Dad’s saga. This is a message for my sisters out there. I know you may be hurt. I know separation is hard. I know you may have been wronged by the father of your children. However, you still have a lot of influence over whether your child’s father is present or absent in that child’s life. I am by no means excusing any lack of self-responsibility; but, I have seen too many men making sincere attempts to have a place in their child’s life only to be thwarted by an embittered and hurt mother. I want to encourage you to get through your pain so that you can create a situation in which the father can stay present in the child’s life.

I have not reached a conclusion, but I wonder if my mother prevented my father from having more of a presence in my life. My father’s absence was a significant experience for me and one I spent a lot of time reflecting upon and absolutely ensuring would not be repeated. If your child can avoid the questions he or she may have because of an absent father, so much pain and confusion will be avoided. For your child’s sake, create an environment that allows the father to be involved with the child.

Jerry Maguire may have said it best, “Help me help you!” Help the father, help the child!

Say “Yes” to “No”

I think most people would agree that each generation should be better than the previous.  As parents, I’m sure we all agree that we want to give our children a better life than we had.    Personally, I know I do.  Growing up, I was given a tremendous amount of love from my mom and siblings; however, we struggled financially.  Four children and a single mother was difficult.  What my mom was not able to give me materially, she gave me in discipline, drive, problem-solving and determination.  Therefore, when she wasn’t able to pay for college, I was able to get scholarships, loans and work for the rest.  I had the ability to work my way through college and law school.  There is no doubt that those were challenging times, and I do not want my daughter to have to experience the same thing.  However, those tough times developed character which has served me well as an adult. 

So…my predicament.  How do I instill a work ethic in my daughter without her having to struggle so much?  I assume I am not the only parent grappling with this issue. 

Well, I had the great pleasure of attending a lecture recently that provided me with some insight into this issue, and I thought I would share it with you.  Psychologist, David Walsh, presented a lecture at my daughter’s school about the benefits of learning to tell our children, “No!”   Here’s some of what I learned:

Our children are being raised in a culture in which fails to promote self-discipline.  With the advance of technology, there is an emphasis on more, fast, easy and fun.  Because more, fast, easy and fun run rampant, our children have to learn how to say, “no” to themselves.  There are numerous studies that show the ability to wait (self-discipline) is a predictor of success and happiness.  Some of you may have heard of the “marshmallow” study.  If not, look it up and check out the results. 

A study conducted in 2007 showed that 1 out of every 2 teachers leaves the profession by their fifth year.  The primary reason was children’s behavior!  Teachers are now passing students, and in some cases giving good grades, to students who just attend class and don’t misbehave!  Yikes!  It was discovered that many of our children are so used to video games and technological stimulation that when they get to class with a human teaching them, they are simply bored. 

Because things have become easy for children, they tend to throw their hands up when presented with a challenge.  So, we have to help them develop that self-discipline.  On this point, Dr.  Walsh asked a very direct question.  “How many times do you do things for your kids that they should be doing for themselves?”  I didn’t like my answer. 

He went on to talk about the development of the brain.  The last part of the brain to fully develop is the Prefrontal Cortex.  This is the part of the brain right behind the forehead and it controls reflection, impulse control, and consideration of consequences.  This is the part of the brain that says, “Stop, look and listen!”  Because this important function is not fully developed until the late teens, it is fundamentally important that we focus on developing these abilities in our children by encouraging the behavior we want to increase. 

He concluded his remarks by giving us 10 suggestions to help raise our children.

1. Learn how to say, “No!”
   
2. Support, don’t rescue.
   
3. Encourage, don’t coddle.
   
4. Give kids what they need, but not everything they want.
   
5. Back up teachers and schools.
   
6. Visit www.mediawise.org.
   
7. Have clear and high expectations.
   
8. Expect kids to do chores.
   
9. Set and enforce limits and consequences.
   
10. Expect kids to volunteer and help others.  

This was a very brief overview of a two-hour lecture on the subject.  I encourage you to research this more on your own and evaluate your own style of parenting and discipline.  I know I have, and I am learning how to say, “No!” 

If you would like to get the unfiltered information, visit Dr. Walsh’s website at www.sayyestono.org.

Love your children, love yourself!

Help!–The Trouble with Teens

So, I have two demanding full time jobs, yet the thing that takes most of my mental energy and makes me question myself more than anything else in my life is my performance as a father. I am a college professor and a lawyer with my own practice. Despite the energy and pressure associated with both of my “jobs,” I end up late at night praying and wondering if I’m doing the right thing most often after sending my eleven-year-old sixth grade daughter to bed early yet once again. It may be the fifteenth eye roll of the night or the mumbling under her breath or me having to ask for her to put her dishes away SEVEN times that precipitated the early bedtime; but the cause of the consequence is inconsequential, it’s the aftermath that’s most important. The aftermath is my sheer frustration and confusion. It goes like this:

 

ME: Damn, did I overreact? What just happened? How did things escalate so quickly?

VOICE IN MY HEAD (since I don’t have a wife to bounce things off of):  Well, you probably didn’t need to send her to bed early just because you had to ask her to put her books away a few times.

ME: A few times???? Is seven a few?

VOICE IN MY HEAD: Well, she’s 11. This is normal. She is struggling too.

ME: Yeah, but I am not going to have a self-absorbed little girl in this house. There are too many people suffering for her to expect the world to revolve around her.

VOICE IN MY HEAD: Well, that’s understandable, but step back, take a breath and get some perspective. You have an amazing, powerful, intelligent, funny, beautiful little girl. So, she may be insolent from time to time as most girls her age are, but she is a good girl.

ME (calming down): Well, she does do excellent in school. She loves to read, does her homework without issue, plays sports with enormous heart, is very funny and has developed a feminine wisdom that has steered me in the right direction numerous times. (Guilt begins to kick in). Yeah, but she needs to be humble.

VOICE IN MY HEAD: Well, be careful about that. She is at a vulnerable age. We need our young sisters to maintain that confidence, the belief in themselves. Not only the self confidence, but also the self-esteem. So many times society will tell our young girls to quiet down, not laugh so loud, don’t always comment, don’t be so disagreeable, go along with the program, etc…

ME: Good point. So, where is the balance? What do I do?

And that is the question, I find myself asking so often. What do I do?

So, as a parent, this is my current state of struggle. Being a Dad has been the greatest joy I have experienced in my life, without question. It is my role as Dad that has given me my greatest sense of purpose and sense of belonging in this world. Up until about three months ago, it has been relatively easy and made a lot of sense. Recently, as described above, things began to get confusing.

For my inaugural blog, there were many wonderful things I could have written about to encapsulate my walk as Dad. However, I felt that expressing my confusion and challenges was most appropriate to start the conversation. As we move forward in our dialogue, you may see from me more questions than answers, but I firmly believe through these conversations, we as parents, will, and must, get better. Let’s discuss the loving moments…and the challenging ones too. Let’s learn from each other, grow together, vent, share, laugh, cry…and…grow! I look forward to the discussion, and so I say in advance…hello, nice to meet you and thank you.