10 Things To Say To Your Children During Your Divorce
November 10, 2009 by Wolfgang Gruener
In his last article, Wolfgang Gruener of SingleParentGossip shared 10 things not to say to your kids during your divorce. This time, he’s back with 10 things you actually should say:
Be realistic: It will be a difficult conversation and you need to be prepared as much as you can. Make sure your children are the first ones to know about the separation. They should not learn about it from others. When you first talk to them, set enough time aside and create a calm setting, with both parents being present. You need to limit your discussion to the most pressing topics. Do not overwhelm them with information.
Follow a certain set of ground rules during your conversation: Plan ahead with your spouse. Be truthful, but avoid inappropriate topics such as child custody or child support payments. Be respectful to the other parent, keep your emotions in check and do not yell. Be sensitive to how they react to the news. Listen to your children and hear their fears and concerns. Welcome their questions. Plan more discussions with your children.
Depending on where you are in the divorce proceedings, there are a few important things you need to tell your children, and reemphasize to them during the divorce and even later on.
1. Mom and dad are separating because …
In some cases, this may be a very easy topic to talk about, in others it may be very difficult. Be aware that many children of divorce are unhappy about the fact that they were never told a reason for the divorce of their parents. Be truthful, but, of course, you cannot mention reasons such as adultery. In such a case you will need to find a different, more general reason such as that you have differences you cannot agree on. You may be angry at your (ex-) spouse for his/her infidelity, but this is not the right time to tell your children. They will find out themselves when they are older. It is also important to remember that you do not have to mention that you and your partner do not love each other anymore.
2. Mom and dad can be better parents when they live in different homes.
This is closely connected to the explanation of why you are separating and it will introduce your children to the upcoming change that there will be two differenthomes. You can elaborate on this topic further down the road and explain that there will be rules that are the same in mom’s and dad’s house, but some may be different.
3. Things are going to be different, but we will work as a team to make them ok.
Typically, the advice is to tell your children that “everything will be ok”. We do not agree with this phrase, simply because you cannot promise your children that everything will be ok. The fact is that not everything will be ok and your children will be very aware of the promises you make. There will be change. There will be different homes. There will be problems. Instead of telling them that things will be just ok, make sure that your children know that you are in control and they do not have to worry. Never make any promises you cannot keep!
4. It is not your fault.
Children often blame themselves for a divorce and they believe it is something that happened because of their actions. It is critical that you reassure them that the divorce is not their fault.
5. Mom and dad will not marry each other again.
Your children will ask you whether you and your spouse will remarry. Remove the illusion that mom and dad will get together and marry again. Your children need to understand that the divorce is final and they are moving into a new phase of their life. You need to remove confusion and uncertainty. Create an environment they can understand and provide stability as quickly as possible. You may feel that it is easier to tell your children that mom and dad may get back together at some point again, but you have to be honest to yourself that this is rather unlikely. Remember: Do not make promises you cannot keep.
6. You will not be alone.
Tell your children that you will always be there for them, no matter what. Encourage them to ask questions. Make sure they know they can come to you whenever they want to and need to. You are the one building a stable life for them. They need to rely on your comfort and strength.
7. I know you are sad.
Be compassionate and aware of the feelings of your child. Comfort your children and hug them. They need to know that you know about their pain and that you know that they are upset. It will make it easier for them to comprehend that you will do everything in your power to help heal the wounds.
8. You can always call mom / dad.
Separating parents will, whether you like it or not, create a perception of distance between the children and parents. It is up to you to limit that distance and perhaps even remove it entirely over time. An important tool is to build an open communication channel between the children and each parent. Tell them that they will always be able to call mom/dad, whenever they need and want to. Discuss other emerging communication channels such as email and text messages. In fact, for teenagers, text messaging has become the most important way of communicating with their parents.
9. You will see mom … / You will see dad …
A parenting schedule is an important part of your future life with your children and an important part of the stability they need. As soon as you have an idea how the parenting schedule will look, provide as much information as you possibly can. Avoid changes and the discussion about changes which may be very confusing to your children. You will be surprised how quickly even young children can understand and adjust to parenting plans and how confusing changes are to them.
10. Mom and dad love you very much.
We cannot emphasize enough how important this sentence is. While you are in pain, a divorce is more than likely making your children wonder whether you or your spouse may abandon them or whether they are at fault that the divorce is happening. Make sure that they know that they are loved very much by both mom and dad. Depending on the age of your children you will be faced with questions of a possible stepmom and a stepdad. And depending on the situation – we assume that both mom and dad will want to stay in the children’s lives – they need to know that there may be other people coming into their lives, but there will only be one mom and one dad.
10 Things NOT to Say to Your Children During a Divorce
October 28, 2009 by Wolfgang Gruener
Divorce is a time of monumental emotional pain and hardship, a time in which we need support of others to find our way back on track and go on with our life. Yet you can never forget the promise you have given your children when you brought them into this world. You still need to be the best parent you can be and follow some rules to avoid more pain.
One of the most critical things to remember are phrases you should say to them and things you can think of but definitely can’t say. Here are ten things you should never say to your children during a divorce.
1. Nothing will change. Everything will be the same.
Be realistic. A divorce is a separation and that will bring two different households to your children, if both you and your (ex-) spouse decide to remain in the children’s lives. Often, your kids will realize what a separation means much sooner than you think. Instead of trying to calm the situation by claiming everything will be the same, you can carefully introduce certain changes, but always make sure that they know that you are in control of the situation and they do not have to worry.
2. Your dad is a … / Your mom is a …
As much as you would want to, you need to bite your tongue on this one. Do not speak negatively about the other parent and refrain from name calling! Even if there have been hurtful things, such as adultery, a divorce is not the time to be verbally mean to your ex-partner. Remember, in the end, it will not hit your ex-spouse, but it will hurt the children and it may hurt you. Children watch closely and as they grow older, they become much more aware of what is going on. And if your partner really cheated, they will find out one day anyway. Many psychologists, by the way, suggests that an appropriate age of revealing difficult reasons for divorces is about 16.
3. It’s all your mom’s/dad’s fault.
It is easy to shift the fault for the divorce on someone during the divorce. And it may take time for you to realize what really caused your divorce. But that is not a discussion that should be held with your children and such alienation will deepen the wounds that are being caused by the separation. No matter how you feel who has caused the divorce, make sure that you always let your children know that both mom and dad love them very much.
4. Because of what you did, we have to divorce
We come across this one quite often and it is the worst you can say to your children. The simple fact is: Your children are not responsible for the divorce. Never blame them for the problems between you and your (ex-) spouse. The reasons for a divorce are beyond a child’s reach and usually relate to individual actions, bad choices and different parenting approaches.
5. I am busy.
Spending quality time with your children is essential. You should want your child to feel wanted, not abandoned. When you can spend time with your children, especially it is scheduled parenting time, be available and do not make your child feel like she/he is a burden.
6. Your dad does not pay child support.
There are certain topics that are inappropriate to be shared with your children. Examples are especially child support or relationships with significant others. There may not be a single case your children will bring up these topics and if they do, stay positive and let them know that there are or will be two different homes and you and your ex-spouse are working together as a team.
7. DON’T YELL!
Simple. If you are talking with your ex-spouse, on the phone or in the same room, and your children are near, be cordial and polite. Aside from a possible alienation issue, a divorce can also teach your children a lesson for life and they will always remember how you treated each other. As nasty as a divorce may be, treating each other respectfully will show your children that not only are you two working things out, but you can also resolve a conflict without yelling.
8. What does your mom/dad say about me?
Do not put your children in the awkward position to be a middleman or a messenger between you and your spouse. If you are interested in what is going on at the other home, you can always ask you (ex-) spouse. Do not expect your child to relay messages. Even more important: Do not fish for information about your (ex-) spouse.
9. I do not want the divorce. Your mom does.
This is a borderline case, but I recommend staying away from this one as well. There are some counselors who say that you can tell your child that you have done everything to save the marriage. Which, of course, implies that your partner has not. There are countless ways to give the same message to your children – without the blaming. Simply explain that you both have tried to work out your differences, but sometimes that does not happen. To be a good mom and dad, parents sometimes have to separate to overcome their differences.
10. I don’t care about your dad’s rules.
This is a tricky one. When there are two homes, it is impossible that mom and dad will have the exact same rules for every eventuality. However, the two of you need to set a baseline of rules relating to topics such as bedtime, homework, etc. Kids have a tendency to play parents against each other to achieve certain goals, such as playing with a certain toy or manipulate ground rules such as bedtimes. You will often hear “But mom/dad said that ….” Make sure that you have basic rules in place that are the same in both homes and make sure that your children know that you will enforce those rules. If you (ex-) spouse creates new rules without telling you, then you need to discuss those with your (ex-) spouse, but don’t wipe them off the table, just because you do not agree in the first place.
