Giveaway: Sade “Soldier of Love” CD–3 Winners

Love is in the air, and we are thrilled to be celebrating it by giving away Sade’s new Soldier of Love CD to three lucky WeParent readers. It’s hard to believe that the last time the group released an album, Lovers Rock, was a decade ago, It’s really hard to believe when you see frontwoman, Sade, who looks untouched by time.

The album hits stores on February 9^th. And, while we’re excited about the entire release, because we care so much about co-parenting and parenting, we can’t wait to check out the track, “Babyfather,” “about how great it is to be a parent, what a great honor and privilege that is, and what a terrible thing that is to waste,” frontwoman Sade Adu recently told PEOPLE. “As long as you feel good about yourself, you can be a good parent, and then it becomes an endless fruitful cycle,” she says. We second that emotion!  We couldn’t get our hands on that one, but check out the video for “Soldier of Love” below:

So, like we said, we’re giving 3 copies of this long-anticipated release away. The deadline for entries is 11:59pm EST on Saturday, February 20th. Winners must have a U.S. address.  We’ll announce winners here and on “Co-Parenting Matters” on Sunday, February 21st.  Here’s how to enter to win one of 3 Soldier of Love CDs:

Mandatory (You have to do this one to qualify for additional chances):

• Leave us a comment saying why you want to win. Include your favorite Sade song, if you have one.

And, here are a few ways to increase your chances. (Be sure to leave a comment here letting us know that you’ve done these.):

• Join our mailing list.
• Become a fan of WeParent on Facebook.
• Follow WeParent on Twitter.
• Become a member of our online community, WeParentConnect.

That’s five chances to win, so don’t miss out! Winners must have a U.S. address.

Mediation 101: An Interview with Gene A. Johnson, Jr., Pt. 2

This is Part 2 of our extensive interview with Gene A. Johnson, Jr., also know as, “The Mediator”, who provided us with a basic lesson about mediation. There was so much goodness in the conversation, that we’ve broken this one into a 4-parter, so be sure to read Part 1, too.  You can also check out our “Mediation 101″ episode of “Co-Parenting Matters” to hear Gene talk more about mediation.

WP: So, I want to clarify a couple of things you talked about.  I thought it was interesting when you said that in some divorce cases, there may be 2 mediators for gender balance.

Gene: As mediators, we pride ourselves on being impartial and neutral, so a well-established and effective mediator would probably tell you that it doesn’t matter what their gender is.  But, that’s a choice and an option the party has.  Going back and comparing this to litigation, you know you can’t pick your judge. In mediation, you can select your mediator.

WP: Can you give us a sense of what percentage of cases actually do get resolved via mediation versus a court order?

Gene:  It really depends on your jurisdiction.  So for example, in California, I believe almost all family cases when you go to court, they don’t even allow you to see a judge before going through some mediation or mediation-like process.

WP: Got it.

Gene: But in other jurisdictions, mediation may not be offered or may be offered as an afterthought.  So it varies from jurisdiction to jurisdiction.  I can say though that studies have shown that when a case does go to mediation, somewhere along the lines of somewhere between 70-80% of those cases do come to some sort of resolution and agreement.

And, if you reach an agreement in mediation, this is a benefit of mediation, the compliance rate is extremely high.  You’re looking at nearly a 90% compliance rate because this is what parties have agreed to on their own will.  No one has forced this agreement on them, so they are more likely to comply with it.

WP: We talked previously about situations where one party may have an attorney and the other may not.  But what about issues like the financial ability of one parent to sustain a mediation forever versus the other parent.  Are there ways that mediators are trained to insure that the process does come to closure?  And how does a parent who doesn’t have a lot of money to go on and on in this process insure that the power imbalance isn’t impacting or forcing them or putting them under duress to sign an agreement that they really aren’t fully bought into?

Gene: Right.  Power dynamic…this is a huge topic.  Mediators have entire 3-day and 4-day conferences around this subject, because it is very important.  First let me say that it is not a mediator’s job to balance power.  Once a mediator takes on a role of balancing power, he or she is no longer neutral and no longer impartial.  Because now I’m taking sides, and I’m trying to make sure that this person is not getting the short end of the stick or what have you.

That being said, in every relationship and every encounter, there is a power imbalance.  No two people enter into any negotiation on the same footing.  Like you said, one may have more money, one may have more resources, whatever the reason, there is hardly ever equal footing of power.

That’s okay, though. because that’s how we make decisions.  When we make a decision, we base it on that.  We base it on what we have and the dynamics in a relationship, etc.

WP: Right.

Gene: That being said, it is a mediator’s job to make sure that no one is using this process unfairly or not negotiating in good faith…and I put that in quotations.  So if the mediator feels that someone is using this process to get at another person or just to wear the other person down, then the mediator can find him or herself in an ethical situation where they may have to stop the mediation or determine if that the case is not appropriate for mediation, because a party is not negotiating in good faith.

For the most part, this plays out in cases of domestic violence.  In domestic violence, there’s a huge power imbalance and one party is usually coerced either by fear, intimidation or concern about their safety, so they are willing to agree to almost anything.  In those scenarios, that case should be screened out of mediation.

Cases where there is domestic violence in a relationship should not be referred to mediation.  In mediation, we feel as long as a person can freely negotiate without fear of  harm or safety, they are not coerced into anything as well as they are making an informed decision, they have all the information they need, then that case is appropriate for mediation.

WP: Got you.  What other examples of situations are there where mediation may not be a viable solution for parents?

Gene: Mediation may not be a viable solution, once again, if there is a domestic violence situation.  Mediation, obviously, will not be appropriate if one person does not want to go to mediation.  So those two things, other than that, I think mediation can work in almost any other scenario.

Even in scenarios where you may think you’ve decided on all of the parenting arrangements and all of the custody and limitations, everything except for the month of July, because maybe the father wants the child to spend the month of July with him.  You can go to mediation just to resolve that one issue, and all the other issues can be decided in litigation in court.

I think mediation allows that flexibility, so where you may think mediation may not be appropriate for all issues, there may be one or two issues that you can work out in mediation.

WP: So does that mean that for parents who, for example, want to modify orders at some point, years after or months after there’s been a court order, mediation is a potentially good option for addressing that.

Gene: Mediation definitely may be a good option for addressing that sort of thing; although, I don’t want to overstep my boundaries and give mediators more power than they have in terms of overturning a court order or a court decision.  So what I would recommend is that if you go to mediation and you want to amend an agreement, that’s fine, but make sure you go to your lawyer or to court and go through the proper channels of doing so.

In some jurisdictions, it’s okay to come up with mediated agreement then present it to the court and say okay, this is how we want to amend our parenting plan.  You really need to check with your jurisdiction in terms of how that process is done, but I believe that mediation could definitely be an option.

Read Part 1 of this interview

Listen to our discussion with Gene on “Co-Parenting Matters”

Black History Month Giveaway: Family Passes to “Let Your Motto Be Resistance”

Let your motto be resistance!  Resistance!  RESISTANCE!
No oppressed people have ever secured their liberty without resistance.
–Abolitionist Henry Highland Garnet, 1843

Resistance has been a critical theme throughout the history of Black families in this country.  It has taken many forms.  For some, survival by itself was an act of resistance.  For others, it looked like fighting back…or not fighting back.  And, for many, it was the commitment to celebrating our history and culture even when the cost was torture or death.

At WeParent, we believe that building strong, healthy, effective co-parenting relationships is an act of resistance against the forces that pull our children away from us–as much as it is an act of love.  Through our commitment to partnering in parenting, we give our children the foundation they need to stand strong in this world.  And, to us, raising strong, happy, powerful Black children is a revolultionary act all by itself.  So, we’re all about resistance through a co-parenting revolution.

On January 30, 2010, the Atlanta History Center will celebrate the opening of a new exhibition, Let Your Motto Be Resistance:  African-American Portraits which runs through April 25th. Let Your Motto Be Resistance is the first of four exhibitions being present as part of the Center’s Civil War to Civil Rights series.  The exhibit, inspired by the call to action of nineteenth century political activist and Underground Railroad conductor, Henry Highland Garnet, uses portraits of well-known African-Americans from the Smithsonian’s National Portrait Gallery to trace 150 years of U.S. history.  These powerful images celebrate the diverse ways that African-Americans creatively and courageously redefined the history of this country through struggle, accomodation and resistance.

As part of our celebration of Black History Month, we’re partnering with the Atlanta History Center to give away family passes to Let Your Motto Be Resistance to four lucky WeParent readers.  Passes are good for free admission for 2 adults and up to 4 children (a $74 value.)  We’ll choose a new winner each week during the month of February.  So, if you don’t win this week, your entry is still in the hat for the next one.  Winners will be announced every Sunday during Black History Month and notified via email.  Here’s how to enter:

MANDATORY:

• Leave a comment here either suggesting a way for parents to celebrate Black History Month with their children, telling us how you’re planning to celebrate with yours or just sharing a few words about an historic figure who inspires you.

OPTIONAL:

• Join our mailing list and leave a comment here telling us you did.
• Become a member of our online community, WeParent Connect.
• Become a fan of WeParent on Facebook and leave a comment telling us you did.

That’s 4 chances to win!  Don’t miss this opportunity to share this glimpse into African-American and U.S. history with your family.  We’ll see you there!

Preparing Our Kids to THRIVE in the 21st Century

The world our kids will inherit is far different from the one we were born into.

Back when I was born, most TVs were still in black and white. There was no cable tv, no fax machines, microwave ovens, or personal computers.  People held jobs for years, if not lifetimes. And they often retired with pensions…unless, like my grandmother, they were cheated out of them by being laid off just before they’d reached the 20- or 30-year mark. (But that’s a different story.)

Our kids are being born into a world of rapid change. Product choices, investment options, job descriptions, even “proven facts,” can become obsolete every 6 months.  To prosper in the 21^st century, our children need more than just computer skills. They need to be able to hold their own – emotionally, financially, and socially.  They need to be ready to ride the waves of change. They need an internal GPS and a lighthouse, so they don’t get lost in a storm. And they need an anchor to mark the place they call “home.”

Along with a solid education and good manners, here are a few other tools to properly equip today’s kids for tomorrow’s world:

Skills Every Child Needs to T.H.R.I.V.E. in the 21st Century

THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX — Kids these days need to be able to do more than memorize facts.  Thinking critically and creatively will help them rise to every new challenge they’ll face.

Foster kids’ creativity with “What if…” questions – What would you do if you needed to open a can and couldn’t find a can opener? What might happen if you jump off the sofa with that coffee table sitting there?

Above all, don’t punish them when they DO think creatively…and end up doing something you don’t like. Like, let’s say, tie-dying the cat so it doesn’t camouflage with the living room carpet. Instead, recognize their creativity, but guide them toward a more useful application.

HEAL – The world can be a sick place – physically and emotionally. We can’t control the world, but we can control ourselves.

Teach kids how to keep themselves healthy and strong – in spite of what happens in the world around them – by building up their immune systems. (Again, physically, and emotionally.)

Physically: Who knows if there will be any affordable health care when our kids are grown? The best guarantee of good health is eating real food – especially fruits and veggies – cooked at home with real ingredients – not chemicals, colors, and preservatives. Healthy food creates a healthy immune system – helping your body heal and fight disease from the inside out.

Emotionally: Encourage kids to name their feelings. Ask them often, “How did you feel when that happened?” Their honest emotions can be an internal GPS, guiding them to stay away from danger, or to speak up when they don’t like something. Respect their right to have feelings different from yours. Don’t shut them down. The more kids know themselves, and the more they learn to express feelings their feelings verbally, the more self-disciplined they can be.

RESOLVE CONFLICTS – In friendships, at school, in job situations…knowing how to resolve conflicts productively is an invaluable social skill.

Teach kids to listen to another’s point of view as well as calmly express their own. Ask, “How could this be handled in a way that respects everybody?”

DON’T HIT. Hitting kids teaches them that physical violence is ok to use when you’re upset. It also fosters anger, resentment, and low self-esteem – none of which promotes healthy conflict management.

After a conflict, ask, “How’d you feel about the way things went? What might you do differently next time?”

INITIATE – The days of being an “employee” are over.

Even if you’re employed by someone, you’ve gotta think like an entrepreneur to make yourself indispensable. Rather than passively waiting for an employer to tell you what to do, you’ve got to have initiative – think independently, come up with new ideas.

Help kids build their “initiative muscles” by letting them make some decisions for the family: Put them in charge of Saturday night’s menu; let them come up with a way to fix the wobbly kitchen chair.

When they complain about something, ask them what they would do to make it better. Then let them implement their ideas.

VERIFY ALL CLAIMS – Don’t let kids fall into the trap of believing every so-called “authority.” They will be marketed to, relentlessly, by politicians and advertisers – many of whom will not share the whole truth.

Teach kids to use the internet and other resources to find facts and opinions that contradict what they hear. Encourage them to look within themselves and decide whom to believe.

EMPATHIZE WITH OTHERS – Not being able to accept another’s perspective is the primary cause of war – both globally and domestically.

Teach your kid to BE PEACE by learning to respect other people’s opinions, feelings, and desires.

Help them learn to hold two opposing perspectives – their own, and another person’s – and to treat others not as they would like to be treated, but as the other would like to be treated.

* * *

Kids who learn to Think, Heal, Resolve, Initiate, Verify, and Empathize, stay in-tuned with themselves and others.

They are anchored by close relationships over time, even as they re-invent themselves and relocate every few years.

They are guided by strong values that always lead them on the right course.

And they know how to change direction to navigate the winds of change.

Mediation 101: An Interview with Gene A. Johnson, Jr., Pt. 1

WeParent had the opportunity to chat with Gene A. Johnson, Jr., also know as, “The Mediator”, for a basic lesson about mediation.  There was so much goodness in the conversation, that we’re breaking this one into a multi-parter.  And, adding to the goodness, Gene will be our guest on “Co-Parenting Matters” this Sunday.  Feel free to leave your questions along with your comments below.  And, for now, here’s Part 1 of our interview.

WeParent: Can you talk a little bit about what mediation is generally?

Gene: Sure. Mediation basically is a process where a trained and neutral impartial person, known as a “mediator”, assists parties in communicating, understanding and clarifying their interests, whatever interest they may have. The mediation process usually is confidential as well as voluntary, so that means whatever is said in a mediation cannot be introduced in a court of law or any other administrative proceeding.

Mediation works best, I believe, because you can create your own solutions that address your own needs. We help people have a conversation. Out of that conversation, they are addressing whatever interest they may have and trying to generate movement so people are talking about their interests and not being so positional and adversarial.

WeParent: For clarification, a mediator does not represent either party.  The mediator functions as a facilitator of the conversation that gets both parties to an agreeable solution, right?

Gene: This is true. Mediators come from all different backgrounds. Some mediators are lawyers by profession or by training. Some mediators are counselors. Some mediators are psychologists. Some mediators are social workers. Although that may be what they are trained to do, once they are sitting before you as a mediator, they take off those other hats, and they are there as a mediator.

WeParent: So how is mediation different from other dispute resolution processes? There’s arbitration, there’s just going and have a judge mandate orders. What’s different about mediation?

Gene: Well mediation is different because, once again, you get to create your own solution. If you go through the court or arbitration, usually you may have 10 or 15 minutes with a judge. Then they are going to decide what is best for you in your situation, and they may or may not know you from a can a paint.

In mediation, the mediator will not impose any solutions. You will come up with your own solutions, because we believe you know what is best for your situation.

Mediation also differs because you get to communicate directly with the other party, directly with the decision maker. If you go to court, you don’t usually get to speak to the decision maker. Even though the decision maker may be the judge, usually you will go through your lawyer; and then your lawyer will talk to the judge.

It’s also very cost efficient. The matter in mediation is usually resolved a lot quicker than going to court, so there are less fees in terms of the lawyer fees, etc. Also, you are able to schedule mediations on your own time, which means that if you want to schedule a mediation on Saturday or in the evening hours, you’re not beholden to a judge and whatever court dates that are available or even not available.

WeParent: Are there other emotional benefits? What benefits are there outside of the ones that you’ve listed which are already pretty numerous?

Gene: One benefit is that although mediation usually takes up less time than going to court with motions and adjournments and etc., a mediation actually gives you more time to really talk about how you feel, which is important. Whenever you’re in a dispute, the number 1 thing that usually gets in the way of your resolving the dispute is emotions.

Most of the time, judges are not equipped to really hear how you feel. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “the facts and nothing but the facts,” because that’s what they want. Sometimes cases are more nuanced than that, and you may need to express yourself.

One of the misconceptions about going to court is that people believe they are going to have their day in court, and they are going to have this Perry Mason moment where I’m going to get up and say this and say that. The reality is that doesn’t happen. There are so many guidelines; you can only speak at certain times. Usually you don’t get to speak at all. Your lawyer does all the speaking. Everything is very rigid. Everything is very procedural.

There are some courts where even if you submit documents, the documents need to be typed a certain way or in a certain font etc. In mediation, it’s just the opposite. Mediation is very informal. You are having a conversation with the other parent trying to reach a collaborative resolution, which is important. As we all know, after your day in court, usually you will not improve that relationship. The relationship will be a lot worse because you slung mud and have gone back and forth in the adversarial process.  Mediation, which opens up communication, will seek to restore, maybe even better the relationship with your ex-partner or the co-parent.

WeParent: It seems that going to court, to a large degree, is about winning and losing. But, it sounds like mediation has a foundational philosophy that collaboration is the best solution driver.

Gene: You’re definitely correct. Court by its nature, litigating, there’s going to be a winner and a loser. You’re either going to win, or you’re going to lose. And, some would even argue if you win, you still end up losing because you spent time and effort, and you probably did not improve the relationship that you have with your co-parent.

So, mediation seeks to shift the ground a little bit so that the process is collaborative, and you don’t have this jude to prove your case to or to prove that someone else is unfit. In mediation, what we’re looking for is the best interest of the child. And you’re not going to have a judge dictate what is in the best interest of your child. You will.

The other thing is when you go to court, you roll the dice, because nothing is guaranteed. You’re putting the fate of your child in someone’s hands, and judges are human. Mediations give you more control of the process and more control of the outcome.

WeParent: I’m curious about your thoughts on why more parents don’t mediate first, or do they? Is mediation typically a higher percentage of how parents resolve disputes? It just seems like even when my son’s father and I were first splitting up, the initial advice was go to court. Nobody was yelling, go to mediation first.

Gene: That’s definitely true. I think our culture is set up where if you have any type of problem, any type of conflict, any type of disagreement, you automatically get into adversarial mode. So, mediation is often an afterthought or not even mentioned at all. All that you can do when you’re in the situation is think about how can I get even with this person? How can I stick it to this person?

By doing that, you totally forget about the child. You totally forget about what’s in your best interest. Sometimes just because this person did some things that you may not agree with, that doesn’t mean that you cannot work together in a collaborative fashion. Particularly when you have child involved, it’s probably in both your best interests for you to get along and not be so adversarial.

The other thing is that mediation is a relatively new profession. It has been around possibly 40, no more than 50 years, so it’s new. So a lot of people are not aware of what mediation is and not aware of what a mediator does. They may confuse it with counseling. They may think of it as, “Oh, I don’t want to go to that touchy feely thing.” So a lot of people are not away and just have little knowledge of what mediation actually is.

Read Part 2 of this interview.

Check out our interview with Gene on “Co-Parenting Matters”.

Contact Gene A. Johnson, Jr., “The Mediator”, directly on LinkedIn, Twitter or Facebook or email him at GAJohnsonjr AT gmail DOT com.

Staying Close to Your Kids…from a Distance

Our family uses a pretty evenly split parenting time schedule to ensure that our son spends time with both parents on a weekly basis and that we both have hands-on intimate involvement in all aspects of his life.  So, we both get to spend time with him regularly.  Still, when he’s away from me, the truth is, I miss him and I want him to know that even when we’re apart, I’m still loving him.

I imagine that I’m not the only one, so here are a few suggestions for maintaining a connection with your children while you’re away from them:

• Use a mix of scheduled and spontaneous contact. Scheduled contact should be agreed upon by both parents.  It should be at regular times and be convenient for everyone involved.  You might be missing your child, but you aren’t doing him, her or your co-parent any favors by disrupting breakfast, dinner or bedtime.  So, work this out up front.  Similarly, spontaneous contact is nice, but, again, work with your co-parent to ensure that your calls are not disruptive or too frequent.

• Go online with email and internet-based tools for connecting. Be sure to teach your children online safety.  And, you may want to consider using a tool specifically to keep families connected.

• Give your children their own phone line. Two kid-centric cell phone companies we’re aware of are Firefly and Kajeet.  If you go with this option, be prepared to establish rules on acceptable cell phone use and to teach your children cell-iquette and safety.  And, ideally, get buy-in from your co-parent.  If you and your child’s other parent don’t communicate or consistently have high-conflict contact, this may be a great option.

• Schedule an off-time date. If you are apart from your children for extended periods, consider a periodic dinner or a coffee…well, orange juice, date to break things up.  Coordination with your child’s other parent is key, as is adhering strictly to agreed upon pick-up and drop-off times.

• Keep a “Thinking About You” journal. Don’t just think about your children, write a note, paste photos, add newspaper clippings…whatever helps you chronicle and illustrate just how much you’re thinking about them.  During their next stay with you, share.

• Create a letter writing kit…for both of you. Purchase a notebook, a keepsake box, stickers, colored pencils, etc. and teach your children the lost art of letter writing.  You’ll not only create a special activity that just the two of you share, you’ll both collect wonderful keepsakes to go along with the memories.

• Give your child a personalized gift that s/he can touch, feel and/or hear on a daily basis to remind them that you care. Some options might be: a locket, special box, stuffed animal or just a specially framed photo of the two of you.

These are just a few options, but there are so many more.  Be creative, allow your children to inspire you and take the lead in staying connected.  Our children need to be reminded that even when we’re apart, our hearts and minds remain with them.

Book Giveaway: Lifelines-The Black Book of Proverbs

It’s Kwanzaa time!  It’s Kwanzaa time!  Well, really, it’s not.  But, we’re getting started early.

In the Kwanzaa tradition of giving away homemade and educational gifts, we’re excited to give one lucky WeParent reader a hardcover copy of the new Lifelines:  The Black Book of Proverbs by our dear friend Askhari Johnson Hodari and her co-author, Yvonne McCalla Sobers.

Lifelines is a treasure of short witty wisdom from all over the globe.  The book includes clever, pointed and even poetic guidance for all areas of life like:

• Birth and Parenting: “When a yam does not grow well, do not blame the yam; it is because of the soil.” (Ghana)
• Marriage: “Getting married is nothing: it is assuming the responsibility of marriage that counts.”(Haiti)
• Money Problems: “The poor person does not experience poverty all the time.” (Ghana)
• Peace and War: “To engage in conflict, one does not bring a knife that cuts but a needle that sews. (Kiswahili)

And, yes, we believe, even co-parenting.  Beginning next week, in fact, we’ll be highlighting Lifelines that we believe offer guidance for co-parenting.  So, look for and heed those words of wisdom in some of our upcoming posts.  You can also receive Daily Lifelines from the authors right in your inbox.

To enter to win your very own copy of Lifelines:  The Black Book of Proverbs, just leave a comment here with your own words of wisdom no later than 11:59pm EST on Friday, December 18, 2009. Winners will be announced here on WeParent.com.

And, here are a few other ways to increase your odds of winning:

• Become a WeParent fan on Facebook, and then leave a comment here to let us know.
• Sign up for our newsletter if you aren’t already on our mailing list.  If you are on our newsletter, forward it to a friend.
• Join WeParent Connect, our online community of parents and parent advisers.
• Purchase a copy of Lifelines:  The Book of Black Proverbs, and send us a copy of your email confirmation to contests at WeParent dot com.

There you go!  Five chances to win!  The winner must be a US or Candian resident or have an US mailing address.

Good luck!

We Have a Winner: Minding Your Money Book Giveaway

We’re excited to announce the winners of our Minding Your Money book giveaway.  Two WeParent readers will receive copies of Patricia Stallworth’s Minding Your Money: Personal Money Management & Investment Strategies.”

Patricia is a sought after advisor, coach, and educator who, for over 16 years, has been assisting people before, during and after the divorce process with managing, dividing, and growing their finances.  In Minding Your Money, she provides a step-by-step program designed to help you create the financial future you desire and deserve.

So, congratulations to these two lucky member of our WeParent family:

Catherine K. Bush-Longsworth
Alisa Kuumba

Be sure to check out some of Patricia’s tips for surviving the financial stress of the holidays here.  And, it’s not too late to register for her Build Your Wealth Blueprint teleseminar.

Thanks to everyone who entered!  Be on the lookout for more great giveaways from WeParent and Co-Parenting Matters!

10 Things To Say To Your Children During Your Divorce

In his last article, Wolfgang Gruener of SingleParentGossip shared 10 things not to say to your kids during your divorce.  This time, he’s back with 10 things you actually should say:

Be realistic: It will be a difficult conversation and you need to be prepared as much as you can. Make sure your children are the first ones to know about the separation.  They should not learn about it from others. When you first talk to them, set enough time aside and create a calm setting, with both parents being present. You need to limit your discussion to the most pressing topics. Do not overwhelm them with information.

Follow a certain set of ground rules during your conversation: Plan ahead with your spouse.  Be truthful, but avoid inappropriate topics such as child custody or child support payments. Be respectful to the other parent, keep your emotions in check and do not yell. Be sensitive to how they react to the news.  Listen to your children and hear their fears and concerns. Welcome their questions.  Plan more discussions with your children.

Depending on where you are in the divorce proceedings, there are a few important things you need to tell your children, and reemphasize to them during the divorce and even later on.

1. Mom and dad are separating because …
In some cases, this may be a very easy topic to talk about, in others it may be very difficult. Be aware that many children of divorce are unhappy about the fact that they were never told a reason for the divorce of their parents. Be truthful, but, of course, you cannot mention reasons such as adultery. In such a case you will need to find a different, more general reason such as that you have differences you cannot agree on. You may be angry at your (ex-) spouse for his/her infidelity, but this is not the right time to tell your children. They will find out themselves when they are older. It is also important to remember that you do not have to mention that you and your partner do not love each other anymore.

2. Mom and dad can be better parents when they live in different homes.
This is closely connected to the explanation of why you are separating and it will introduce your children to the upcoming change that there will be two differenthomes. You can elaborate on this topic further down the road and explain that there will be rules that are the same in mom’s and dad’s house, but some may be different.

3. Things are going to be different, but we will work as a team to make them ok.
Typically, the advice is to tell your children that “everything will be ok”. We do not agree with this phrase, simply because you cannot promise your children that everything will be ok. The fact is that not everything will be ok and your children will be very aware of the promises you make. There will be change. There will be different homes. There will be problems. Instead of telling them that things will be just ok, make sure that your children know that you are in control and they do not have to worry. Never make any promises you cannot keep!

4. It is not your fault.
Children often blame themselves for a divorce and they believe it is something that happened because of their actions. It is critical that you reassure them that the divorce is not their fault.

5. Mom and dad will not marry each other again.
Your children will ask you whether you and your spouse will remarry. Remove the illusion that mom and dad will get together and marry again. Your children need to understand that the divorce is final and they are moving into a new phase of their life. You need to remove confusion and uncertainty. Create an environment they can understand and provide stability as quickly as possible. You may feel that it is easier to tell your children that mom and dad may get back together at some point again, but you have to be honest to yourself that this is rather unlikely. Remember: Do not make promises you cannot keep.

Minding Your Money Giveaway!

You heard it first on “Co-Parenting Matters”! We’re giving away a copy of Patricia Stallworth’s Minding Your Money: Personal Money Management & Investment Strategies.”

Patricia is a sought after advisor, coach, and educator who, for over 16 years, has been assisting people before, during and after the divorce process with managing, dividing, and growing their finances. On this week’s “Co-Parenting Matters”, Patricia shared tips for surviving the financial stress of the holidays. You can check out some of the tips here.

In Minding Your Money, she provides a step-by-step program designed to help you create the financial future you desire and deserve. And, we’re thrilled to be able to give a copy to one lucky member of our WeParent family.

Enter to win by leaving a comment here before 11:59pm EST on Saturday, November 14^th, 2009, telling why you’d like your own copy of Minding Your Money. We’ll announce the winner on Co-Parenting Matters on Sunday, November 15^th, and right here on WeParent.com!

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