Co-Parenting Messages in the Music: Saigon’s Fatherhood

We’re not sure how we missed this one, but it’s never too late to celebrate Black fatherhood or a hip hop single that breaks Daddy love down so you feel the power coming through YouTube.  And, even though Saigon isn’t really talking about co-parenting in this testament to his love for his baby girl and commitment to be the best father he can, we’re loving these lyrics:

And it might sound a little bit cliche
But I’m lovin’ you even more each day
And even tho’ me and your mother don’t click
If it’ll benefit you, I’ll do whatever she say

Now, we’re not saying that coparenting equals doing what Mama says, but we’re loving this father for talking about making it work, despite conflict, for the sake of his beautiful daughter.

Thanks to StreetPositive.com for posting this on their Million Father March page where we found it.  And thanks, Saigon, for this tribute to fatherhood and for inspiring us to ask:

What other songs should we feature that talk about Black fatherhood, motherhood and/or talk about co-parenting issues (the good, the bad and the ugly)?

One Million Fathers March their Kids to School

All over the country, fathers, grandfathers, big brothers and other men who care are descending upon America’s schools with their children on the first day of school.  The Million Father March has become a powerful day on which fathers demonstrate their commitment to their children, their families, and their communities through their massive presence at school.

The Black Star Project, in partnership with local community organizations, sponsors the Million Father March on the first-day-of-school in hundreds of cities across the United States and internationally. An estimated 600,000 men in 475 cities participated last year and the number is expected to grow this year.

Research shows that children whose fathers take an active role in their educational lives earn better grades, score higher on tests, enjoy school more and are more likely to graduate from high school and attend college. Additionally, children have fewer behavior problems when fathers listen to and talk with them regularly and are active in their lives. A good father is part of a good parenting team and is critical to creating a strong family structure. Strong family structures produce children who are more academically proficient, socially developed and self-assured. Such children become adults who are valuable assets to their communities.

Participants in the event include fathers, grandfathers, foster fathers, stepfathers, uncles, cousins, big brothers, significant male caregivers and friends of the family. Although this event was created by African-American fathers, women and men of all ethnicities are invited to march their children to school on their first day and to continue to be engaged powerful forces in the academic success of our children.

Contact the Black Star Project at (773)285-9600 or blackstar1000 AT ameritech DOT net for more information on the Million Father March and to find out how you can participate or organize an event in your area.

The Million Father March Pledge for Fathers and Men

I will take my children or a child to school and I will be at a school on the first day to encourage all children to do their best every day at school.

I am responsible for the education of my child.

I will volunteer at my child’s school three times this school year.

I will pick up my child’s progress report or grade report when required.

I will meet with my child’s teachers at least two times this year and support them in educating my child.

I will teach my child the value of family as well as the value of education.

I will mentor my child or a child and I will teach children the values of education and family as well as the value of life.

I will work with my child’s mother or guardian to achieve the best academic and social outcomes for my child even if I do not live with my child.

Co-Parenting Conflict from the Mouth of Babes:
Interview with Kara Bishop of Postcards from Splitsville

Months ago we had the opportunity to interview Kara Bishop, founder of  Postcards from Splitsville, a site that allows children of divorce to anonymously and creatively post their thoughts and feelings online.  We’re finally sharing it with you!

WP: Tell us a little bit about what you do and how you got involved in working in this area around kids.

Kara: I started dating a man who was divorced.  He had young children.  When the kids got a little older and were able to understand things, the ex-wife started letting information slip about how the marriage ended, why the marriage ended, adult information that these little kids really didn’t need to know about.

The 2 older children actually pulled away from the father, the younger one still needed the father’s affection; he was 10 at the time.  After he visited, he would go home and they would call him a traitor and try to convince him to not go anymore.  This this poor kid was just torn in half literally. He couldn’t stop loving his dad.  It just wasn’t possible.  But he didn’t want to betray his mom and the other members of his family.

The child and I were close, and we worked on a little book of promises for parents to make.  It got me really interested in what was going on.

I took the book to Dr. Frank Williams who runs a program here in Tucson called Children of Divorce.  It’s this fantastic 8-week program that kids and parents go through to help them cope.  I got involved with that, and I started working with the 10-12 year olds and was able to create some of the exercises for the class.

And…I’m a huge fan of postsecret.com.  Have you ever heard of that?

WP: I have, yes.

Kara: It’s just a site, very similar to mine, except it’s secrets that adults send in.  I thought we should do something like this for the kids, because one of the exercises we do is, if we can’t cope with something, we either let it go or write it on a piece of paper and burn it or something like that.

So, I thought let’s try this postcard thing, and the kids loved it.  The first couple of times that I did it, I was just shocked at how amazingly in touch with themselves these 10-12 year olds were as far as expressing themselves about how upset they were.

Oh, and I actually met Frank Warren [founder of postsecret.com] and got his blessing.

WP: That was very respectful of you to do that.

Kara: I tell people this is a site for kids to vent their feelings and then come and see that other kids have the same issues.  But really, I think at this point that it’s more for adults, so they can see the pain that their kids go through.

WP: It was really eye opening and impactful as an adult to see the creative expression of what they are feeling, so I can see how this becomes a site for adults.  I can definitely see that.

Kara: The letters that I get aren’t from kids.  They are from adults saying, “Oh, my God, I’ve actually heard these words from my kids and I never really understood.”  For example I get a lot of comments from parents about having said they wish they’d never met their ex, in front of their kids.  They say, “I’ve said that and now I just feel horrible.”

WP: I guess that the translation for a kid is, “You wish I didn’t exist.”

Kara: Right, and they don’t get that, yes, you don’t mean it, but that’s what the kid hears.

WP: When we are careless in how we communicate about the experience of a relationship ending and about the other parent, kids are going to fill in the gaps.  They are going to translate it.  They are going to make it meaningful in a way that they understand.  And in their world, a lot of times that’s scary.

Kara: Or the other effect that I’ve seen, too, is kids that are scared to death of being fired from their family because they have seen another parent fired.

You think the kids don’t know…and they probably don’t understand a lot.  But they try to understand in their own way, and they end up making up something that’s just so much more horrible than the truth.

WP: Let’s talk a little bit about the impact of divorce on children particularly when parents aren’t really handling the conflict well.  What have you seen in the work that you’ve been doing with children of divorce and through Postcards from Splitsville?

Kara: Well, the kids that I work with come to us within months of the divorce.  The impact, wow, it’s almost always devastating.

What I see that makes me upset the most is that a lot of the kids feel there is one person to blame for the divorce.  I think they do that, because somebody has to be the blame…and thank God it’s not them.  Very few of our kids these days think it’s their fault any more.  That used to be a huge issue when we first started, but now it’s not.

And, the whole needing to figure out why this is happening and then placing the blame on someone, I think is really hard on them; because it interferes with the relationship that they had prior to the divorce with one of the parents or both sometimes.

It just rocks their world.  These kids need a sense of stability, and all of a sudden, the most stable thing in their family, whether there was a lot of fighting or not, is caput. It’s broken.  And, it often involves the disappearance of one parent, and mostly it’s the father.

WP: Right.

Kara: And that changes a little here and there, because more fathers have custody of their kids now.  But mostly it’s still the mother.

I’ve seen how these fathers are just set aside, not every single one, of course, right, but it’s almost as if that was an extra piece in our life that we really didn’t need, like that third car or something.

WP: Like an extra appendage?  I wonder if sometimes fathers don’t see themselves that way, too.

Kara: I think they do.  For example, if the marriage ended because of an infidelity on his part,  the guilt there can be immense, and he might feel he doesn’t deserve the children because of what he did.  But, that’s where I would say, okay, but the kid still needs you.

Whatever you did wrong, you can still give love and support, and your child needs that to grow, needs that second set of love, the second opinion, the whole second part.

I think there needs to be a more intense education on how to raise your kids in this unique situation that people just wing.  They wing it, and they don’t understand how devastating almost every word can be.  These kids latch onto one sentence, and that’s the sentence that defines everything for them.

WP: How can an outlet like Postcards from Splitsville help?

Kara: Well again, I created it as a vent for the kids.  But the benefit is really for parents…just to make them stop and think and maybe put that anger in check, because your kids is listening and affected by it.

WP: Thank you for the work you’re doing and for sharing it with our WeParent family.

To learn more, browse postcards or download a postcard for a child to submit, visit www.postcardsfromsplitsville.com.

The Message is Clear: African-American Children Need Us

Thirty-five percent of African-American children live in poverty.  This means that more than 1 out of every 3 African-American children live with what research has confirmed is the single greatest threat to their well-being. Poverty can impede children’s ability to learn and contribute to social, emotional, and behavioral problems. Poverty can also contribute to poor health and mental health.

The statistics paint a grim picture of the havoc poverty is wreaking on the youth in our community:  approximately 50 percent of African-American children drop out of school; African-American females account for approximately 70 percent of all teenage pregnancies; between 2002 and 2007, the number of homicides involving black male juveniles as victims grew by 31 percent and as perpetrators by 43 percent.  Clearly, our children are suffering and desperately need our HELP!

We’re a community in crisis. If we’re to reverse these frightening trends, African-American adults must step up our game and come together to rally around our youth. We must be honest about the truth behind the quantitative data: too many broken families; an alarming number of absent fathers; far too many uneducated, low-wage earning single-mothers trying to lead families with limited financial, emotional, and social resources. Simply put, the story behind the numbers is that too many of our children are failing at life because of poor leadership in their lives and homes. Our children are failing because far too often they live in families that are barely surviving, let alone thriving.

As dire as the situation appears, all is not lost. There is plenty that we can all do, individually and collectively, to turn things around for our youth and our community as a whole. While there are a lot of intellectuals and social scientists sitting in think tanks pondering this issue, there are sages who’ve come before and shared their wisdom as guidance on what we can do:

“Be the change you want to see in the world” -Ghandi

Start with ourselves. Set high standards and expectations of our own efforts and ability. Accept no less from ourselves than we’d like to see from others: value education, hard work and strong families. Hold our own children to high standards of academic and behavioral performance. Work at being healthy, loving and committed romantic and life partners and hold our partners to the same standards. A rising tide lifts all  boats; allow ourselves and our families to be part of a rising tide.

“An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity” – Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

In addition to focusing on lifting ourselves and families, consider what we can do to directly impact the lives of others. Our communities are full of nonprofit and community-based organizations that always need help building and strengthening their operational and fiscal infrastructure and serving their clients. Call a few who serve causes you care about and offer your time, talent and treasure. You would be surprised at the huge impact it would make on both you and the organization.

“Now is the accepted time, not tomorrow, not some more convenient season. It is today that our best work can be done and not some future day or future year…” – W.E.B. DuBois

Act now! Decide today to make a slightly bigger difference in the lives of those you love and your community than you did yesterday. Add an extra hug or “I love you” when interacting with loved ones; add a “hello” to the casual smile you offer the stranger you pass on the street; offer to volunteer 2 hours of your time to a small nonprofit or tutoring or mentoring program; donate a small amount of money to help improve the fiscal health of a community based organization serving the less fortunate. There are many, many things that we all can do NOW, TODAY, that cost us very little but mean so much.

Each of us must look around and take note of how much our youth need us; and then decide what small thing we will do today to make a difference.  Our children are screaming for HELP! Do we hear them?

Father’s Day Book Giveaway

We’re so excited to be giving away two copies of David Manuel’s tribute to daddies called I Am a Father:  Celebrating African-American Fathers.  The book is a testimony to the positive impact Black fathers have on their children..told through the voices of those children, including those of Sidney Poitier, Morgan Freeman, Ossie Davis, Yung Joc and many others.  We’re sharing it with the daddies in our lives, and we want to give two members of our WeParent family the opportunity to do the same.  And, of course, you can always purchase the book here.

Winners will be announced on Co-Parenting Matters on Sunday, June 13, 2010.  And, we’ll be giving away a third copy of of the book on Twitter live during the show.  So, tune in to find out if you’re a winner!

Here’s how to enter your copy of I Am A Father:  Celebrating African-American Fathers:

Mandatory (You have to do this one to qualify for additional chances):

Drop us a comment below telling us about a father who has had a positive impact on your life.

And, here are a few ways to increase your chances. (Be sure to leave a separate comment for each of these here letting us know that you’ve done them.):

• Join our mailing list.
• Become a fan of WeParent on Facebook.
• Follow WeParent on Twitter.
• Become a member of our online community, WeParentConnect.

That’s five chances to win, so don’t miss out! Winners must have a U.S. address.  Entries must be received by 11:59 pm EST on Saturday, June 19, 2010, to be eligible.

Co-Parenting and Emergency Preparedness

As parents who are actively co-parenting or working to get there, we typically focus on managing the areas that will lead to a smooth day-to-day existence for our families. And, those of us who have solid parenting plans in place, may have even tackled the big issues. But, are you and your co-parent prepared for an emergency? As much as we hate to think about the possibility, our children are the ones who stand to benefit if both parents are prepared.

Here are some recommendations for information both parents should have with them or easily accessible at all times:

• A way to contact the other at all times. If one or both of you are selective about which calls you answer or text messages you read, agree upon a code that will indicate that the call or message is a child-related emergency.
• A copy of your child’s health insurance information. Be sure to carry it with you at all times
• A list of contact information for all doctors, dentists, therapists and any other health care providers and other emergency contacts (e.g., family members, etc.). You should also make sure other caretakers have this information.
• Names and dosages of all medications and details about serious allergies and/or physical, emotional or cognitive impairments and limitations. If necessary, also be sure both parents ensure that your child wears a medical alert bracelet or anklet with critical information.
• Pharmacy contact information. Consider printing this information along with the previous three items on a small card and carrying it with you in a wallet or purse.
• Up-to-date immunization records.
• Written permission for a non-guardian caregiver to make emergency medical decisions if appropriate. (e.g. stepparent, grandparent)
• Copies of birth certificates. This is particularly important when traveling.
• Copies of any relevant court order outlining custody and decision making authority.
• Current (annually) head and shoulders photograph.

Having this information accessible won’t prevent emergencies from occurring, but it will certainly help to expedite the process of treating your child. And, that could make all the difference.

Got it Covered? Insurance Tips for Busy Co-Parents

As co-parents we all want what is best for our children and we make decisions based on that everyday. Who is going to care for the children while we work, where should they go to school and who is going to have them on certain holidays. All of these are very important but what needs to be added to the list is when are we as parents going to sit down and discuss our insurance needs. Sitting down with an insurance professional is especially beneficial when you are co-parenting so that both parents know they are on the same page and what is covered. Having an insurance plan also can help make sure that all of the decisions that you all make are continued no matter what the circumstances.

A priority for your insurance needs is to make sure you have adequate Life and Disability insurance. Life insurance pays your beneficiaries in the event of an untimely death and Disability insurance pays you if you are unable to work due to an illness or accident. Don’t assume that the coverage you have at work is sufficient. Having a policy independent of work can assure coverage regardless if you leave that employer, are laid off, start your own business or stay home with the children as long as the premium is paid. Also the earlier you purchase your policy the better rate you are assured to pay. What can make insurance expensive is waiting.

What are the types of Life insurance policies to consider? Term or temporary insurance and permanent insurance. These can be used to address short and long term needs. Term insurance is great for short term needs. You can purchase term insurance for a certain number of years such as the amount of time your child will be a minor. Term insurance is generally less expensive and allows you to buy more coverage. After that policy period has finished, you no longer have life insurance coverage unless you convert it to a permanent policy or purchase more term insurance. Remember however you will be older if you have to purchase more and it will be more expensive than buying what’s needed in the beginning. Permanent life insurance includes whole, universal and variable life. This insurance is meant to last your entire life so you will always have an estate for your family. This type of policy also builds cash value and can give you the ability to borrow or make withdrawals. Permanent plans have the ability to combine life insurance, savings and investments. Remember the amount of time that this money will need to provide for. Given this, a good rule of thumb is to have 7-10 times your annual income of coverage.

Disability insurance is just as important as life insurance. If you don’t know how you would pay your rent, mortgage, bills and child support if you could not work because of an illness or injury then you need disability insurance. Don’t assume that you are covered by workers compensation because most disabilities occur outside of work. Also many are denied social security disability benefits so it can’t be counted on. Disability insurance can be very affordable for every budget. The key is to get coverage before there is an incident. To determine the amount you need, total your monthly expenses and number of months you could go with out a paycheck to determine your policy amount and waiting period.

As an excited expectant mom who will be co-parenting, I understand the importance and difficulty of having good communication to make sure our families are taken care of. As an insurance agent I see everyday, however, the benefits of making it happen.

Co-Parenting Requires A Plan

In addition to being a requirement for custody and child support orders in many states, a parenting agreement or plan can be an extremely helpful tool for managing a parenting partnership. Whether your state requires one or not, we recommend that parents lay a foundation for a solid co-parenting partnership that includes a parenting plan. In many ways, a parenting plan is to co-parents what a business plan is to a corporation, a living document that establishes guidelines, expectations for managing the business of raising healthy, happy children.

A good parenting plan is clear; anticipates the needs of your children, and you over the life cycle of your co-parenting relationship; sets a path for improved communication and partnering over time; and focuses on the win-win-win scenario. It is comprehensive, gently balancing specifics with enough flexibility to accommodate all of the shifts and changes that life and growth involve. Some of the areas that your plan should address include:

• Education
• Medical, dental and vision care
• Rules and discipline
• Decision-making processes and dispute resolution
• Religious training
• Child care
• Special occasions, school events and vacations
• Extracurricular activities
• Transportation and transitions between homes
• Communication between parents
• Communication between parents and children
• Rights of grandparents, extended family and close friends
• Role of parents’ new partners
• Counseling for children and parents
• Custody arrangements
• Process for modifying the plan
• Insurance
• Co-Parenting philosophy and commitment

Ideally, parents should develop the parenting plan themselves, using the help of professionals like mediators, divorce or co-parenting coaches, counselors or attorneys focused on supporting your co-parenting efforts. As parents, we know our children and our own circumstances better than a third party with no experience with your family. Of course, the process involves being able to separate your adult relationship from the best interests of your child. And, it may take time to get to that place; so many experts recommend starting with a temporary agreement for a few months rather than pressuring yourselves to arrive at a final plan while you are still in the most difficult period of emotional healing and transition.

There is an abundance of resources available to help you and your co-parent create a parenting plan that works for your family. Resources range from online or downloadable software, to downloadable templates and books. And, of course, you should use professionals like mediators, attorneys, counselors and financial planners to support your efforts.

Parents who successfully partner in developing a co-parenting plan often find that it limits both the financial and emotional costs of a court fight, for them and their children. Though getting there may be difficult, having a plan in place can reduce tension between you, because the rules of engagement are clear and agreed upon. Knowing that there is a plan to which you have both contributed helps to reduce some of the worry that may come when your children are away from you. It is a process, but in the end, a parent-negotiated, parent-endorsed parenting plan can be the foundation of an effective co-parenting relationship.

Do the Math, Shaq: Death threats and Kids = Co-Parenting No-no

Now, we aren’t ones to spread gossip, but we couldn’t resist sharing our CoParenting101.org friend, Deesha’s latest post on The Faster Times.  We don’t know if the rumors about Shaq sending death threats to his ex-wife’s new boo are true or not, but we *do* know that Deesha brought a whole lot of heat and wisdom in “An Open Memo to Shaq Re:  Using One’s 6-Year-Old Child to Deliver Death Threats.”  The bottom line:  It’s the kids who suffer most when we act a damn fool inappropriately in our co-parenting relationships.

Here are a couple snippets from her post:

This behavior is straight out of Adventures in How Not to Co-Parent, the book I write in my head everyday while I’m driving.  Just when I think I’ve finished the manuscript, a story like yours comes along…

Let’s say for argument’s sake that the allegations against you are true.  Exactly what response were you hoping for from Shaunie’s boyfriend upon hearing this threat?  Was he supposed to quake in fear?  Disappear from Shaunie’s life?  Step to you so you could kill him?  A more likely result than any of the above is that the threat served only to confuse or frighten your child.   After all, he may be spending considerable time around this man whom Mommy likes and Daddy wants to kill.   Guess who your words affect the most, Shaq.  Here’s a hint: It’s not the boyfriend.

And, then she breaks down “10 unsolicited pieces of advice to any co-parent who thinks it’s a good idea to use a child to relay messages (of the threatening or non-threatening variety), or to pump children for information. ”

Truth is, even if we think we are co-parenting saints, a refresher never hurts.  So, our unsolicited advice?  Read this!

And, if you aren’t following Deesha’s co-parenting edutainment regularly, you should be!

Lifelines for Co-Parenting: Be the Wise One in Your Next Argument

We really love Lifelines: The Book of Black Proverbs, a treasure of wisdom from African peoples across the globe.  The book offers short but potent advice, warnings, and witticisms that apply to every area of life…including co-parenting.  So, keep your eyes open for our new regular feature where we share a proverb and apply it to the art of co-parenting.  And, now for the debut of “Lifelines for Co-Parenting.”

When two quarrel, it is the first
to stop who is the wisest.

–South Africa

Conflict happens. That’s a given. Too, often that conflict shows up as incessant arguing between parents. Everybody’s in it to win it and only willing to stop if the other one does. We all know just how effective that strategy is.

Yes, it’s true, we can’t change the fact that conflict will rear it’s head.  What we can control, though, is how we respond to it. So, if the argue-them-into-submission strategy isn’t really working for you, here are a few others that might serve your co-parenting relationship better.

1. Figure out why you’re arguing…and then check yourself. Just stop! We argue for different reasons. Some people think arguing is healthy. They like to play devil’s advocate, even though the conversation is clearly going to hell. Sometimes, loud talking is just a reflection of our belief that we aren’t being heard. Of course, yelling at or over the other parent doesn’t get us the listening ear we think we’re missing. But, no one said any of this had to make sense. Then, there are those of us who use arguing as a way to stay connected by any means necessary. Knowing that we can get a rise out of the other parent gives us some sick sense of still mattering to him or her. And, then, there are the verbal batterers. They don’t hit, but they seek to execute a verbal beatdown that may be as damaging.  Figure out your angle, and then seek to make a shift by asking yourself what you really want from the other parent if things were ideal.  If your angle isn’t getting you that, then hush, breathe and take a time out.

2. Shift perspective by putting yourself in the other parent’s shoes. We all bring different values, judgments, motivations and objectives to this party. And guess what? The other parent is just as sure and certain and passionate about the “fact” that s/he is right, as you are. So, focusing your efforts on proving your right-ness is an uphill, if not losing, battle. Instead, role play a little. Look at the issue from the perspective of the other parent. Consider what she or he might be feeling. What does s/he care about? What objections might s/he have? What solutions or alternatives might be workable for him or her? Just like a room looks different if you’re in a headstand, turning your co-parenting conflict upside down may help you see something you couldn’t see when you were “right”-side up.

3. Establish rules of engagement. You already know that your time-for-battle muscles start to tingle when you feel a disagreement coming on. Try a preemptive strike by setting some ground rules up front. Try agreeing that neither parent will interrupt the other for a specified amount of time…and then use a kitchen timer to keep yourselves honest. Take notes if you just have to, but better yet…listen. You just might hear something that enlightens you. The worst case scenario is that you earn some good will by allowing the other parent to feel heard. Pinky swear that neither parent will call the other one names or make sweeping, generalized comments about the other. And, finally, promise to focus on the issues and the solutions and not who should take all the blame for initiative the problem. That is a waste of time and energy that just won’t move you forward. And, in the end, it does nothing for your children.

Like the proverb suggests, it takes two to quarrel; but only one to end it. Hopefully, these strategies will help you be the wiser of the two.

What tips can you share for managing disagreements with your co-parent?

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