Mediation 101: An Interview with Gene A. Johnson, Jr., Pt. 2
This is Part 2 of our extensive interview with Gene A. Johnson, Jr., also know as, “The Mediator”, who provided us with a basic lesson about mediation. There was so much goodness in the conversation, that we’ve broken this one into a 4-parter, so be sure to read Part 1, too. You can also check out our “Mediation 101″ episode of “Co-Parenting Matters” to hear Gene talk more about mediation.
Gene A. Johnson, Jr. aka "The Mediator"
WP: So, I want to clarify a couple of things you talked about. I thought it was interesting when you said that in some divorce cases, there may be 2 mediators for gender balance.
Gene: As mediators, we pride ourselves on being impartial and neutral, so a well-established and effective mediator would probably tell you that it doesn’t matter what their gender is. But, that’s a choice and an option the party has. Going back and comparing this to litigation, you know you can’t pick your judge. In mediation, you can select your mediator.
WP: Can you give us a sense of what percentage of cases actually do get resolved via mediation versus a court order?
Gene: It really depends on your jurisdiction. So for example, in California, I believe almost all family cases when you go to court, they don’t even allow you to see a judge before going through some mediation or mediation-like process.
WP: Got it.
Gene: But in other jurisdictions, mediation may not be offered or may be offered as an afterthought. So it varies from jurisdiction to jurisdiction. I can say though that studies have shown that when a case does go to mediation, somewhere along the lines of somewhere between 70-80% of those cases do come to some sort of resolution and agreement.
And, if you reach an agreement in mediation, this is a benefit of mediation, the compliance rate is extremely high. You’re looking at nearly a 90% compliance rate because this is what parties have agreed to on their own will. No one has forced this agreement on them, so they are more likely to comply with it.
WP: We talked previously about situations where one party may have an attorney and the other may not. But what about issues like the financial ability of one parent to sustain a mediation forever versus the other parent. Are there ways that mediators are trained to insure that the process does come to closure? And how does a parent who doesn’t have a lot of money to go on and on in this process insure that the power imbalance isn’t impacting or forcing them or putting them under duress to sign an agreement that they really aren’t fully bought into?
Gene: Right. Power dynamic…this is a huge topic. Mediators have entire 3-day and 4-day conferences around this subject, because it is very important. First let me say that it is not a mediator’s job to balance power. Once a mediator takes on a role of balancing power, he or she is no longer neutral and no longer impartial. Because now I’m taking sides, and I’m trying to make sure that this person is not getting the short end of the stick or what have you.
That being said, in every relationship and every encounter, there is a power imbalance. No two people enter into any negotiation on the same footing. Like you said, one may have more money, one may have more resources, whatever the reason, there is hardly ever equal footing of power.
That’s okay, though. because that’s how we make decisions. When we make a decision, we base it on that. We base it on what we have and the dynamics in a relationship, etc.
WP: Right.
Gene: That being said, it is a mediator’s job to make sure that no one is using this process unfairly or not negotiating in good faith…and I put that in quotations. So if the mediator feels that someone is using this process to get at another person or just to wear the other person down, then the mediator can find him or herself in an ethical situation where they may have to stop the mediation or determine if that the case is not appropriate for mediation, because a party is not negotiating in good faith.
For the most part, this plays out in cases of domestic violence. In domestic violence, there’s a huge power imbalance and one party is usually coerced either by fear, intimidation or concern about their safety, so they are willing to agree to almost anything. In those scenarios, that case should be screened out of mediation.
Cases where there is domestic violence in a relationship should not be referred to mediation. In mediation, we feel as long as a person can freely negotiate without fear of harm or safety, they are not coerced into anything as well as they are making an informed decision, they have all the information they need, then that case is appropriate for mediation.
WP: Got you. What other examples of situations are there where mediation may not be a viable solution for parents?
Gene: Mediation may not be a viable solution, once again, if there is a domestic violence situation. Mediation, obviously, will not be appropriate if one person does not want to go to mediation. So those two things, other than that, I think mediation can work in almost any other scenario.
Even in scenarios where you may think you’ve decided on all of the parenting arrangements and all of the custody and limitations, everything except for the month of July, because maybe the father wants the child to spend the month of July with him. You can go to mediation just to resolve that one issue, and all the other issues can be decided in litigation in court.
I think mediation allows that flexibility, so where you may think mediation may not be appropriate for all issues, there may be one or two issues that you can work out in mediation.
WP: So does that mean that for parents who, for example, want to modify orders at some point, years after or months after there’s been a court order, mediation is a potentially good option for addressing that.
Gene: Mediation definitely may be a good option for addressing that sort of thing; although, I don’t want to overstep my boundaries and give mediators more power than they have in terms of overturning a court order or a court decision. So what I would recommend is that if you go to mediation and you want to amend an agreement, that’s fine, but make sure you go to your lawyer or to court and go through the proper channels of doing so.
In some jurisdictions, it’s okay to come up with mediated agreement then present it to the court and say okay, this is how we want to amend our parenting plan. You really need to check with your jurisdiction in terms of how that process is done, but I believe that mediation could definitely be an option.
Listen to our discussion with Gene on “Co-Parenting Matters”
Preparing Our Kids to THRIVE in the 21st Century
January 26, 2010 by Venus Taylor
The world our kids will inherit is far different from the one we were born into.
Back when I was born, most TVs were still in black and white. There was no cable tv, no fax machines, microwave ovens, or personal computers. People held jobs for years, if not lifetimes. And they often retired with pensions…unless, like my grandmother, they were cheated out of them by being laid off just before they’d reached the 20- or 30-year mark. (But that’s a different story.)
Our kids are being born into a world of rapid change. Product choices, investment options, job descriptions, even “proven facts,” can become obsolete every 6 months. To prosper in the 21st century, our children need more than just computer skills. They need to be able to hold their own – emotionally, financially, and socially. They need to be ready to ride the waves of change. They need an internal GPS and a lighthouse, so they don’t get lost in a storm. And they need an anchor to mark the place they call “home.”
Along with a solid education and good manners, here are a few other tools to properly equip today’s kids for tomorrow’s world:
Skills Every Child Needs to T.H.R.I.V.E. in the 21st Century
THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX — Kids these days need to be able to do more than memorize facts. Thinking critically and creatively will help them rise to every new challenge they’ll face.
Foster kids’ creativity with “What if…” questions – What would you do if you needed to open a can and couldn’t find a can opener? What might happen if you jump off the sofa with that coffee table sitting there?
Above all, don’t punish them when they DO think creatively…and end up doing something you don’t like. Like, let’s say, tie-dying the cat so it doesn’t camouflage with the living room carpet. Instead, recognize their creativity, but guide them toward a more useful application.
HEAL – The world can be a sick place – physically and emotionally. We can’t control the world, but we can control ourselves.
Teach kids how to keep themselves healthy and strong – in spite of what happens in the world around them – by building up their immune systems. (Again, physically, and emotionally.)
Physically: Who knows if there will be any affordable health care when our kids are grown? The best guarantee of good health is eating real food – especially fruits and veggies – cooked at home with real ingredients – not chemicals, colors, and preservatives. Healthy food creates a healthy immune system – helping your body heal and fight disease from the inside out.
Emotionally: Encourage kids to name their feelings. Ask them often, “How did you feel when that happened?” Their honest emotions can be an internal GPS, guiding them to stay away from danger, or to speak up when they don’t like something. Respect their right to have feelings different from yours. Don’t shut them down. The more kids know themselves, and the more they learn to express feelings their feelings verbally, the more self-disciplined they can be.
RESOLVE CONFLICTS – In friendships, at school, in job situations…knowing how to resolve conflicts productively is an invaluable social skill.
Teach kids to listen to another’s point of view as well as calmly express their own. Ask, “How could this be handled in a way that respects everybody?”
DON’T HIT. Hitting kids teaches them that physical violence is ok to use when you’re upset. It also fosters anger, resentment, and low self-esteem – none of which promotes healthy conflict management.
After a conflict, ask, “How’d you feel about the way things went? What might you do differently next time?”
INITIATE – The days of being an “employee” are over.
Even if you’re employed by someone, you’ve gotta think like an entrepreneur to make yourself indispensable. Rather than passively waiting for an employer to tell you what to do, you’ve got to have initiative – think independently, come up with new ideas.
Help kids build their “initiative muscles” by letting them make some decisions for the family: Put them in charge of Saturday night’s menu; let them come up with a way to fix the wobbly kitchen chair.
When they complain about something, ask them what they would do to make it better. Then let them implement their ideas.
VERIFY ALL CLAIMS – Don’t let kids fall into the trap of believing every so-called “authority.” They will be marketed to, relentlessly, by politicians and advertisers – many of whom will not share the whole truth.
Teach kids to use the internet and other resources to find facts and opinions that contradict what they hear. Encourage them to look within themselves and decide whom to believe.
EMPATHIZE WITH OTHERS – Not being able to accept another’s perspective is the primary cause of war – both globally and domestically.
Teach your kid to BE PEACE by learning to respect other people’s opinions, feelings, and desires.
Help them learn to hold two opposing perspectives – their own, and another person’s – and to treat others not as they would like to be treated, but as the other would like to be treated.
* * *
Kids who learn to Think, Heal, Resolve, Initiate, Verify, and Empathize, stay in-tuned with themselves and others.
They are anchored by close relationships over time, even as they re-invent themselves and relocate every few years.
They are guided by strong values that always lead them on the right course.
And they know how to change direction to navigate the winds of change.
Co-Parenting Matters This Week: Mediation 101
January 20, 2010 by WeParent
Abraham Lincoln probably wasn’t talking about co-parenting when he advised:
“Discourage litigation. Persuade neighbors to compromise whenever you can. Point out to them how the nominal winner is often the real loser in fees, expenses, and a waste of time.”
But, his words perfectly describe our “Co-Parenting Matters” topic for this week: Mediation 101.
Join us this Sunday, January 24th at 9:30pm EST on “Co-Parenting Matters”, when “The Mediator”, Gene A. Johnson, Jr., educates us about mediation. In our recent interview with him, Gene suggested that despite being a viable alternative to the option of an ugly court battle, many parents may not be aware of mediation or fully understand what it is.
And, in the meantime, to learn more about mediation, check out Part 1 of our interview with “The Mediator.” It’s only a taste, so be sure to listen to “Co-Parenting Matters” this Sunday.
Real Families: Meet My Co-Parent, Part 4
December 15, 2009 by Talibah Mbonisi
This is the final installment of a 4-part interview with my very own co-parent, Ed Banuel. In Part 1, he talked about how we became co-parents, how having an absent father impacted him and our challenges as co-parents. In Part 2, he shared his thoughts about growing as a father and dating as a single, co-parenting dad. In Part 3, he talks about me and our co-parenting relationship. And, here in Part 4, he shares his final thoughts with the WeParent family…
Talibah: So is there anything you would change if you could do it all over again as it relates to our co-parenting, how we’ve raised our child so far, how you have fathered him? If there is anything you could change, what would it be?
Ed: You know what? I try not to look at life in general like that, because I feel like everything happens for a reason, you know? I was where I was at the time, and I feel like we had to go through this journey to be where we are today. And, now that I know what I know, the only thing I can do is work to make it even better. You know what I’m saying? So is there anything that I would change? No. I wouldn’t change anything.
Talibah: I get it.
Ed: What happened, happened and was supposed to happen. Obviously, if it wasn’t supposed to happen, it wouldn’t have happened that way. The only thing I can do is learn and work towards becoming a better person, becoming a better co-parent, becoming a better dad.
Talibah: What does that look like?
Ed: Being a better parent? I think it’s just constantly seeking ways to expose our son to bigger and better opportunities than what I had and constantly being there for him. We have open communication no matter what the situation is. He feels like he can always go to his dad for advice, for a shoulder to lean on, to feel empowered and always get the truth.
My vision for my son is for me to be able to raise him up and give him the tools he needs to be whatever he chooses to be in life. And this is not about financially being able to give him. Of course, everyday you want to be in a financial position to provide your with child some of the things you didn’t have, provide your child with a better lifestyle. But even bigger than just a lifestyle, I want to give him tools that will help him be a successful man in this world.
Talibah: And what does better look like in our co-parenting relationship for you?
Ed: I think better just looks like just us just continuing down the path we’re already on: communicating, being respectful towards each other, speaking to each other in love, being friends and being supportive of each other; because that’s also important. Ultimately, if something happens to me or you, it affects our child.
I mean, I view you genuinely like family. Ultimately, I want what’s best for you which would ultimately be what’s best for my child.
Talibah: Beautifully stated. What advice do you have for fathers and mothers who are dealing with difficulty trying to work together as parents?
Ed: I think first and foremost, whether you agree with what the person is saying or not, the first step is to listen. You have to listen and really try to understand what the person’s needs are, what they are trying to communicate, because everybody has their own views on raising the child. Really try to listen and understand the point from where the person is speaking.
If they are always complaining about a certain issue, listen. There may be some validity to what they are saying. By listening, you can come up with solutions, and coming up with solutions, that’s the path for a better co-parenting relationship. It all comes down to what I originally stated…communication. Communication is not just about talking, talking, talking. Communication is talking and listening.
Talibah: So is there anything else that you want our readers to know that we haven’t talked about?
Ed: I think the only thing is I truly love my child. I truly love our co-parenting relationship. I’m an imperfect dad but always seeking to be a better father. And, I may not make the best decisions all the time, but I accept that. I accept my imperfections, but I’m always striving to be better.
Talibah: Lovely. I will say for the record too, that I am thankful that you are our child’s father, that the journey I’m on and what I’m trying to create through WeParent wouldn’t be possible if we haven’t had the experiences that we are having and have had. You may be an imperfect father, but you’re the perfect father for our son. We may not be perfect, but we’re the perfect parents for this child. And we just have to figure out how and continue to use our co-parenting relationship as a way to get better as parents and as people.
With that said, thank you for being who you are and thank you so much for agreeing to do this interview.
Ed: Cool!
Staying Close to Your Kids…from a Distance
Our family uses a pretty evenly split parenting time schedule to ensure that our son spends time with both parents on a weekly basis and that we both have hands-on intimate involvement in all aspects of his life. So, we both get to spend time with him regularly. Still, when he’s away from me, the truth is, I miss him and I want him to know that even when we’re apart, I’m still loving him.
I imagine that I’m not the only one, so here are a few suggestions for maintaining a connection with your children while you’re away from them:
- Use a mix of scheduled and spontaneous contact. Scheduled contact should be agreed upon by both parents. It should be at regular times and be convenient for everyone involved. You might be missing your child, but you aren’t doing him, her or your co-parent any favors by disrupting breakfast, dinner or bedtime. So, work this out up front. Similarly, spontaneous contact is nice, but, again, work with your co-parent to ensure that your calls are not disruptive or too frequent.
- Go online with email and internet-based tools for connecting. Be sure to teach your children online safety. And, you may want to consider using a tool specifically to keep families connected.
- Give your children their own phone line. Two kid-centric cell phone companies we’re aware of are Firefly and Kajeet. If you go with this option, be prepared to establish rules on acceptable cell phone use and to teach your children cell-iquette and safety. And, ideally, get buy-in from your co-parent. If you and your child’s other parent don’t communicate or consistently have high-conflict contact, this may be a great option.
- Schedule an off-time date. If you are apart from your children for extended periods, consider a periodic dinner or a coffee…well, orange juice, date to break things up. Coordination with your child’s other parent is key, as is adhering strictly to agreed upon pick-up and drop-off times.
- Keep a “Thinking About You” journal. Don’t just think about your children, write a note, paste photos, add newspaper clippings…whatever helps you chronicle and illustrate just how much you’re thinking about them. During their next stay with you, share.
- Create a letter writing kit…for both of you. Purchase a notebook, a keepsake box, stickers, colored pencils, etc. and teach your children the lost art of letter writing. You’ll not only create a special activity that just the two of you share, you’ll both collect wonderful keepsakes to go along with the memories.
- Give your child a personalized gift that s/he can touch, feel and/or hear on a daily basis to remind them that you care. Some options might be: a locket, special box, stuffed animal or just a specially framed photo of the two of you.
These are just a few options, but there are so many more. Be creative, allow your children to inspire you and take the lead in staying connected. Our children need to be reminded that even when we’re apart, our hearts and minds remain with them.
10 Things NOT to Say to Your Children During a Divorce
October 28, 2009 by Wolfgang Gruener
Divorce is a time of monumental emotional pain and hardship, a time in which we need support of others to find our way back on track and go on with our life. Yet you can never forget the promise you have given your children when you brought them into this world. You still need to be the best parent you can be and follow some rules to avoid more pain.
One of the most critical things to remember are phrases you should say to them and things you can think of but definitely can’t say. Here are ten things you should never say to your children during a divorce.
1. Nothing will change. Everything will be the same.
Be realistic. A divorce is a separation and that will bring two different households to your children, if both you and your (ex-) spouse decide to remain in the children’s lives. Often, your kids will realize what a separation means much sooner than you think. Instead of trying to calm the situation by claiming everything will be the same, you can carefully introduce certain changes, but always make sure that they know that you are in control of the situation and they do not have to worry.
2. Your dad is a … / Your mom is a …
As much as you would want to, you need to bite your tongue on this one. Do not speak negatively about the other parent and refrain from name calling! Even if there have been hurtful things, such as adultery, a divorce is not the time to be verbally mean to your ex-partner. Remember, in the end, it will not hit your ex-spouse, but it will hurt the children and it may hurt you. Children watch closely and as they grow older, they become much more aware of what is going on. And if your partner really cheated, they will find out one day anyway. Many psychologists, by the way, suggests that an appropriate age of revealing difficult reasons for divorces is about 16.
3. It’s all your mom’s/dad’s fault.
It is easy to shift the fault for the divorce on someone during the divorce. And it may take time for you to realize what really caused your divorce. But that is not a discussion that should be held with your children and such alienation will deepen the wounds that are being caused by the separation. No matter how you feel who has caused the divorce, make sure that you always let your children know that both mom and dad love them very much.
4. Because of what you did, we have to divorce
We come across this one quite often and it is the worst you can say to your children. The simple fact is: Your children are not responsible for the divorce. Never blame them for the problems between you and your (ex-) spouse. The reasons for a divorce are beyond a child’s reach and usually relate to individual actions, bad choices and different parenting approaches.
5. I am busy.
Spending quality time with your children is essential. You should want your child to feel wanted, not abandoned. When you can spend time with your children, especially it is scheduled parenting time, be available and do not make your child feel like she/he is a burden.
6. Your dad does not pay child support.
There are certain topics that are inappropriate to be shared with your children. Examples are especially child support or relationships with significant others. There may not be a single case your children will bring up these topics and if they do, stay positive and let them know that there are or will be two different homes and you and your ex-spouse are working together as a team.
7. DON’T YELL!
Simple. If you are talking with your ex-spouse, on the phone or in the same room, and your children are near, be cordial and polite. Aside from a possible alienation issue, a divorce can also teach your children a lesson for life and they will always remember how you treated each other. As nasty as a divorce may be, treating each other respectfully will show your children that not only are you two working things out, but you can also resolve a conflict without yelling.
8. What does your mom/dad say about me?
Do not put your children in the awkward position to be a middleman or a messenger between you and your spouse. If you are interested in what is going on at the other home, you can always ask you (ex-) spouse. Do not expect your child to relay messages. Even more important: Do not fish for information about your (ex-) spouse.
9. I do not want the divorce. Your mom does.
This is a borderline case, but I recommend staying away from this one as well. There are some counselors who say that you can tell your child that you have done everything to save the marriage. Which, of course, implies that your partner has not. There are countless ways to give the same message to your children – without the blaming. Simply explain that you both have tried to work out your differences, but sometimes that does not happen. To be a good mom and dad, parents sometimes have to separate to overcome their differences.
10. I don’t care about your dad’s rules.
This is a tricky one. When there are two homes, it is impossible that mom and dad will have the exact same rules for every eventuality. However, the two of you need to set a baseline of rules relating to topics such as bedtime, homework, etc. Kids have a tendency to play parents against each other to achieve certain goals, such as playing with a certain toy or manipulate ground rules such as bedtimes. You will often hear “But mom/dad said that ….” Make sure that you have basic rules in place that are the same in both homes and make sure that your children know that you will enforce those rules. If you (ex-) spouse creates new rules without telling you, then you need to discuss those with your (ex-) spouse, but don’t wipe them off the table, just because you do not agree in the first place.
