WeParent » Spotlight

Co-Parenting Messages in the Music: Saigon’s Fatherhood

WeParent — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 11:00:07 +0000

We’re not sure how we missed this one, but it’s never too late to celebrate Black fatherhood or a hip hop single that breaks Daddy love down so you feel the power coming through YouTube. And, even though Saigon isn’t really talking about co-parenting in this testament to his love for his baby girl and commitment to be the best father he can, we’re loving these lyrics:

And it might sound a little bit cliche
But I’m lovin’ you even more each day
And even tho’ me and your mother don’t click
If it’ll benefit you, I’ll do whatever she say

Now, we’re not saying that coparenting equals doing what Mama says, but we’re loving this father for talking about making it work, despite conflict, for the sake of his beautiful daughter.

Thanks to StreetPositive.com for posting this on their Million Father March page where we found it. And thanks, Saigon, for this tribute to fatherhood and for inspiring us to ask:

What other songs should we feature that talk about Black fatherhood, motherhood and/or talk about co-parenting issues (the good, the bad and the ugly)?

One Million Fathers March their Kids to School

Talibah Mbonisi — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 03:00:27 +0000

All over the country, fathers, grandfathers, big brothers and other men who care are descending upon America’s schools with their children on the first day of school. The Million Father March has become a powerful day on which fathers demonstrate their commitment to their children, their families, and their communities through their massive presence at school.

The Black Star Project, in partnership with local community organizations, sponsors the Million Father March on the first-day-of-school in hundreds of cities across the United States and internationally. An estimated 600,000 men in 475 cities participated last year and the number is expected to grow this year.

Research shows that children whose fathers take an active role in their educational lives earn better grades, score higher on tests, enjoy school more and are more likely to graduate from high school and attend college. Additionally, children have fewer behavior problems when fathers listen to and talk with them regularly and are active in their lives. A good father is part of a good parenting team and is critical to creating a strong family structure. Strong family structures produce children who are more academically proficient, socially developed and self-assured. Such children become adults who are valuable assets to their communities.

Participants in the event include fathers, grandfathers, foster fathers, stepfathers, uncles, cousins, big brothers, significant male caregivers and friends of the family. Although this event was created by African-American fathers, women and men of all ethnicities are invited to march their children to school on their first day and to continue to be engaged powerful forces in the academic success of our children.

Contact the Black Star Project at (773)285-9600 or blackstar1000 AT ameritech DOT net for more information on the Million Father March and to find out how you can participate or organize an event in your area.

The Million Father March Pledge for Fathers and Men

I will take my children or a child to school and I will be at a school on the first day to encourage all children to do their best every day at school.

I am responsible for the education of my child.

I will volunteer at my child’s school three times this school year.

I will pick up my child’s progress report or grade report when required.

I will meet with my child’s teachers at least two times this year and support them in educating my child.

I will teach my child the value of family as well as the value of education.

I will mentor my child or a child and I will teach children the values of education and family as well as the value of life.

I will work with my child’s mother or guardian to achieve the best academic and social outcomes for my child even if I do not live with my child.

MamaSpeak: When a No-Parent Co-Parent Finally Makes Contact–Part 2

Leida Speller — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 14:34:10 +0000

SPOILER ALERT: This is the second in a 2-part series. Click here to read Part 1…

I drove to work Wednesday morning, the day I decided to make the call, struggling to imagine what the conversation would be like. Having no contact with my child for more than a decade is so incomprehensible and far removed from who I am as a person, that I just couldn’t wrap my mind around it. What could he possibly say? What would I say? How would I say it? Does he deserve decency and respect, or am I well within my rights to cuss him out? How do I explain this to my son? Does my son even want this? What do I expect from him? What kind of relationship would I be comfortable with them having? What if my son treats him like a “Dad”? Would I consider that a “slap in my face”? Will his father be consistent? How would I react if my son started acknowledging him on Father’s Day?

This loop of questions ran over and over in my mind and would not end. I felt tormented. I really wished he’d stayed away. Fortunately, this wasn’t about me. And further, I was confident that the young man my village and I raised was fully capable of handling this reunification, no matter how shocking, difficult or brief.

After spending the majority of my work day tortured by the thoughts of calling this man, I finally decided to do it during my drive home. When he answered the phone I felt my body tense with anger.

“Hi, this is Leida, my cousin Ken gave me your number and said you wanted me to call you.”

“Yea, um, how are you doing?”

What? How am I doing? What does it matter to you now that your son is legally grown? You didn’t care how I was doing the whole time I had the responsibility of raising him. Don’t you WORRY about how I’m doing!

After my internal 20-second rant, I continued the discussion:

“Look…do you want to talk to Toris, your ADULT son? I’m assuming this is why you wanted me to call you.”

“Um yea, how is he?”

“He’s perfectly fine. He’s starting college in a few weeks.”

“Oh, where’s he going…Is he staying in the dorm?”

“Look, this is what I am willing to do…I will talk to him and let him know you want to talk to him. I am NOT giving you his cell phone number…HE will decide whether or not you talk…NOT YOU! Goodbye.”

Later that evening I was cleaning my bathroom when my son came home. As always, he joined me where I was so that we could have our normal evening chat. He gave the usual run down of his day and I followed with mine.

“So, yea, I talked to your dad today.”

“Huh?”

“Yea, he wants to talk to you, how do you feel about that?”

“I don’t know. It’s cool, I guess. He called you?”

I then explained that he’d reached out to my cousin several days ago and passed on his number, and that I’d called him.

“Oh. Well, OK.”

“Look, Toris, you do not have to call him. This is completely up to you. As far as I’m concerned, you owe him nothing and he owes you everything. Do you want to call him?”

“Yea, I’ll call.”

“OK. You don’t have to. And even if you decide to, you can change your mind. Do you have any questions for me before you call him?”

“What do I call him?”
“Whatever you want to call him. Whatever you’re comfortable with. You owe him nothing. “

I felt so relieved to have had the conversation with my son. He deserved the option. I knew he could handle whatever happened between him and his father. More importantly, I was happy that he would finally have an opportunity to have his say.

The following day I called his father to let him know that I’d had the discussion with Toris and that he may be calling him. I also requested that he keep his word with him and not make promises he had no intentions of keeping. As quickly as I’d made the request, I wished I could have retracted it or, better yet, that I’d never made it. Toris , now 18 not 8, could handle it. I didn’t need to.

I’m no longer part of the equation. My conscience and I are free! I could walk away with the pride of knowing that I’d never spoken a single ill word about his father to him. I could walk away knowing that I’d always kept the door open for his father and never denied him access to his son, for any reason. I could walk away trusting that, though difficult for him on multiple levels, my son was grateful for this day. I could walk away knowing that my son was armed with the most powerful compass he could possibly have for navigating the terrain he was about to embark upon: the Truth (and the full support of his Mom).

And I did…I walked away.

That chapter is finally closed.

Co-Parenting Matters This Week: Back-to-School Co-Parenting Tips

WeParent — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 06:06:15 +0000

It’s hard to believe that it’s already back-to-school season! But, it seems the Halloween decorations on display at my neighborhood grocery store have somehow become the signal that once again school buses are running, homework is calling and, well,…co-parenting can get a little more complicated.

Fortunately, it’s also a sign that the second season of “Co-Parenting Matters” is starting, too! That’s right, after a wonderful summer hiatus, my co-hosts, Deesha and Mike, from CoParenting101.org, and I will be back on the internet waves talking all things co-parenting this Sunday, August 24th from 9:30pm to 11pm ET.

And, to kick things off for the new season, we’ll be talking about all of the planning and collaborating co-parents need to do to ensure a smooth back to school transition for their children. Our guest, Brooke Randolph, is an Indiana-based therapist and parenting coordinator who will share tips about keeping life organized between two households and partnering to create a great school year for your kids.

So, be sure to tune in this Sunday at 9:30pm ET via phone at (646)378-0580 or listen to our live stream.

If you need to get caught up on last season before this new one begins, check out our archived episodes!

And, if you have any back-to-school tips or questions for Brooke, drop them in the comments or email them to us at contact AT coparentingmatters DOT com.

Co-Parenting Conflict from the Mouth of Babes: Interview with Kara Bishop of Postcards from Splitsville

WeParent — Tue, 03 Aug 2010 17:12:40 +0000

Months ago we had the opportunity to interview Kara Bishop, founder of Postcards from Splitsville, a site that allows children of divorce to anonymously and creatively post their thoughts and feelings online. We’re finally sharing it with you!

WP: Tell us a little bit about what you do and how you got involved in working in this area around kids.

Kara: I started dating a man who was divorced. He had young children. When the kids got a little older and were able to understand things, the ex-wife started letting information slip about how the marriage ended, why the marriage ended, adult information that these little kids really didn’t need to know about.

The 2 older children actually pulled away from the father, the younger one still needed the father’s affection; he was 10 at the time. After he visited, he would go home and they would call him a traitor and try to convince him to not go anymore. This this poor kid was just torn in half literally. He couldn’t stop loving his dad. It just wasn’t possible. But he didn’t want to betray his mom and the other members of his family.

The child and I were close, and we worked on a little book of promises for parents to make. It got me really interested in what was going on.

I took the book to Dr. Frank Williams who runs a program here in Tucson called Children of Divorce. It’s this fantastic 8-week program that kids and parents go through to help them cope. I got involved with that, and I started working with the 10-12 year olds and was able to create some of the exercises for the class.

And…I’m a huge fan of postsecret.com. Have you ever heard of that?

WP: I have, yes.

Kara: It’s just a site, very similar to mine, except it’s secrets that adults send in. I thought we should do something like this for the kids, because one of the exercises we do is, if we can’t cope with something, we either let it go or write it on a piece of paper and burn it or something like that.

So, I thought let’s try this postcard thing, and the kids loved it. The first couple of times that I did it, I was just shocked at how amazingly in touch with themselves these 10-12 year olds were as far as expressing themselves about how upset they were.

Oh, and I actually met Frank Warren [founder of postsecret.com] and got his blessing.

WP: That was very respectful of you to do that.

Kara: I tell people this is a site for kids to vent their feelings and then come and see that other kids have the same issues. But really, I think at this point that it’s more for adults, so they can see the pain that their kids go through.

WP: It was really eye opening and impactful as an adult to see the creative expression of what they are feeling, so I can see how this becomes a site for adults. I can definitely see that.

Kara: The letters that I get aren’t from kids. They are from adults saying, “Oh, my God, I’ve actually heard these words from my kids and I never really understood.” For example I get a lot of comments from parents about having said they wish they’d never met their ex, in front of their kids. They say, “I’ve said that and now I just feel horrible.”

WP: I guess that the translation for a kid is, “You wish I didn’t exist.”

Kara: Right, and they don’t get that, yes, you don’t mean it, but that’s what the kid hears.

WP: When we are careless in how we communicate about the experience of a relationship ending and about the other parent, kids are going to fill in the gaps. They are going to translate it. They are going to make it meaningful in a way that they understand. And in their world, a lot of times that’s scary.

Kara: Or the other effect that I’ve seen, too, is kids that are scared to death of being fired from their family because they have seen another parent fired.

You think the kids don’t know…and they probably don’t understand a lot. But they try to understand in their own way, and they end up making up something that’s just so much more horrible than the truth.

WP: Let’s talk a little bit about the impact of divorce on children particularly when parents aren’t really handling the conflict well. What have you seen in the work that you’ve been doing with children of divorce and through Postcards from Splitsville?

Kara: Well, the kids that I work with come to us within months of the divorce. The impact, wow, it’s almost always devastating.

What I see that makes me upset the most is that a lot of the kids feel there is one person to blame for the divorce. I think they do that, because somebody has to be the blame…and thank God it’s not them. Very few of our kids these days think it’s their fault any more. That used to be a huge issue when we first started, but now it’s not.

And, the whole needing to figure out why this is happening and then placing the blame on someone, I think is really hard on them; because it interferes with the relationship that they had prior to the divorce with one of the parents or both sometimes.

It just rocks their world. These kids need a sense of stability, and all of a sudden, the most stable thing in their family, whether there was a lot of fighting or not, is caput. It’s broken. And, it often involves the disappearance of one parent, and mostly it’s the father.

WP: Right.

Kara: And that changes a little here and there, because more fathers have custody of their kids now. But mostly it’s still the mother.

I’ve seen how these fathers are just set aside, not every single one, of course, right, but it’s almost as if that was an extra piece in our life that we really didn’t need, like that third car or something.

WP: Like an extra appendage? I wonder if sometimes fathers don’t see themselves that way, too.

Kara: I think they do. For example, if the marriage ended because of an infidelity on his part, the guilt there can be immense, and he might feel he doesn’t deserve the children because of what he did. But, that’s where I would say, okay, but the kid still needs you.

Whatever you did wrong, you can still give love and support, and your child needs that to grow, needs that second set of love, the second opinion, the whole second part.

I think there needs to be a more intense education on how to raise your kids in this unique situation that people just wing. They wing it, and they don’t understand how devastating almost every word can be. These kids latch onto one sentence, and that’s the sentence that defines everything for them.

WP: How can an outlet like Postcards from Splitsville help?

Kara: Well again, I created it as a vent for the kids. But the benefit is really for parents…just to make them stop and think and maybe put that anger in check, because your kids is listening and affected by it.

WP: Thank you for the work you’re doing and for sharing it with our WeParent family.

To learn more, browse postcards or download a postcard for a child to submit, visit www.postcardsfromsplitsville.com.

Fatherhood Freestyle: Speak Up on WeParent.com

Talibah Mbonisi — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 07:25:47 +0000

We’re looking for a few good men…

Fathers, to be exact. Black Fathers to be even exact-er.

WeParent is currently looking for new regular and guest contributors to write for our Fatherhood Freestyle column. If you’re interested in telling your side of the story, send an email to info AT WeParent DOT com. Be sure to follow these guidelines:

Subject line should be: Fatherhood Freestyle Submission–YOUR NAME
In the email (not in a separate document) include your submission which should be between 500 and 800 words.
In the email (not in a separate document) include a 3 or 4-sentence bio
A statement indicating whether you’re interested in being a regular monthly contributor or a guest contributor

If your submission is selected, we will contact you with additional details.

And, don’t forget to send in your submission for Fatherhood Freestyle: The Book! Get details here.