Words from the Wise: I Care About Her Kids…But Not More Than My Own

Dear WftW,

My girlfriend, who has an eleven-year-old daughter and a teenage son and I live together. My son is 7, and he stays with us part of the week.  We’ve been together for over a year now, and she still complains that I treat my son better than her kids.  I try to do for them, but she wants me to spend more 1-on-1 time with her daughter and to spend more money on them.  I care about both her kids and try to be a good example for them and to contribute to the household, but can’t really relate to her daughter, so it ends up that I spend more time with the both.  I contribute money, food, etc. to the household, I cook, take her daughter to school, stay on her son about his schoolwork, and I often pay for activities when all of us go out, but I’m barely making enough right now to do that and provide for my own child.

Despite my efforts, it seems that what I’m doing is not enough for her.  She wants me to be their father, and I’m not.  How do I make her understand that I care about them, but they’re not going to come before my own child?  I’m not sure where to go from here, because I’m not sure if I can ever satisfy her when it comes to her kids.

E., Atlanta

Dear E,

You are absolutely right in saying that though you care for your girlfriend’s children, your primary obligation is to your own child.

Now, because your household is combined and because you said you contribute to it monetarily, I suggest that you and your girlfriend draw up a budget. List your income and expenses, make cuts as needed, and be prepared to stick to it. This of course is easier said than done, especially in the current economic climate, but it’s necessary.

There are many benefits to having a budget, one being that in light of it, your girlfriend shouldn’t continue with her nebulous request for you to spend “more money” on her kids. Your budget should include any support you are paying to your child’s mother; any other expenses on his behalf; and your contributions to the household. Perhaps if your girlfriend can see that you are doing the best you can, she’ll back off of asking you to spend more when you don’t have more to spend. There’s an old saying: You can’t squeeze blood from a turnip.

All that said, though, I suspect that the deeper issue here really isn’t about money. Your girlfriend maybe doing a “prove your love” kind of thing, i.e., “If you really care about my kids, if you’re really committed to us, then you’ll do x.” I don’t know about you, E, but I hate those kinds of litmus tests. If you and your girlfriend are aiming to build a life together, that life should be built on mutual trust and understanding, and open communication about expectations and boundaries–not little tests.

Now you didn’t ask for advice in this regard, but I would like to add that being together a year, especially when there are children involved, is not really that long. In that short amount of time, you and your girlfriend are still getting to know each other, your quirks, your values—and then you throw kids and parenting styles and expectations into the mix. That’s a lot to try to nail down in a year’s time, and now you’re really doing the “trial by fire” thing.

So now you and your girlfriend owe it to yourselves—but most importantly to your kids—to backtrack and really do some relationship work. Your expectations of each other as partners and as parents need to be articulated, reasonable, and aligned. I highly recommend you check out the step-dating resources offered by the Step and Blended Family Institute, and share them with your girlfriend.

You are right to be concerned that your girlfriend wants you to be her children’s father (and I am assuming their father is not in their lives in any meaningful way). This is problematic on several levels. First, this approach teaches the children—especially her daughter—that men are somehow interchangeable. Second, it ignores whatever feelings and issues the children may have with regard to the real or essential absence of their father. In essence, your girlfriend is telling her children, “Get over your dad. Here’s a new guy.” Not a good idea.

Third, this approach teaches the children that close relationships can or should be forced and automatic. What if her children, particularly her daughter, doesn’t yet trust you fully? Even if you are a great guy and very trustworthy, this would be an entirely reasonable feeling on the children’s part to still be wary of you as they have only known you for about a year, and within that time you went from being a complete stranger to living with them. To try to force a bond between you and the children under those circumstances isn’t fair to you or to the children, nor is it beneficial to their emotional well-being and development.

Just as an aside—though an important one—I hope your girlfriend doesn’t make her accusations about how you treat her kids, in front of her kids. All of these issues are grown-up matters, and if they aren’t currently being discussed out of earshot of the kids, they really should be going forward.

The last line of your letter says it all, in my opinion. Your girlfriend may never be satisfied with your efforts. At this point, you haven’t given yourselves, or the children, enough time to build a bond based on trust and open communication. If your girlfriend continues to try and force this process along, she risks damaging her relationship with you, as well as failing to address some serious father issues that her children may have.

Then again, maybe the kids are dealing with their father’s absenteeism—but mom isn’t. If all of her pushing is really about her disappointment with or anger at her children’s father and what he has failed to do, she needs to deal with that, and stop making it about you.

All in all, the ball is in her court. Hopefully, she will be willing to hear your concerns and slow down the fast-moving train that is your household.

All the best to you and your family,

Deesha

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Words from the Wise: Too Much Drama from My Baby Mama

Dear Words from the Wise,

I am a father who tries to do right by his kids.  But, my baby mama makes it hard by constantly trying to control what I do with them, who I have them around, etc.  I’m no deadbeat.  I pay child support, I keep my word, but still all I get from her is drama…unnecessary drama…and I don’t even know where it’s coming from except that I was the one who ended the relationship.  One week things are cool and the next, she’s keeping them from me, because I let them stay up too late, or something minor in the scheme of things.  Honestly, I’m at the point where I am tired of all the drama, and sometimes it doesn’t feel worth it.  Maybe I should just wait til they’re older and then try to have the kind of relationship I want with them.  For now, I keep trying, but how do I deal with my frustration and anger with this woman, so I can keep up the good fight?  I love my kids, but the drama is just too much sometimes.

Sincerely,
D., Chicago

Dear Brother:

First of all thank you for writing, and thank you for your commitment to and love for your children.  You write that you only get drama from your children’s mother and that you “don’t know where it’s coming from.”  However, in the next sentence, it’s obvious that you have a pretty good idea where it might be coming from.  You don’t say what the relationship was with your children’s mother, whether you were married or not, however, since you talk about “kids” (more than one), you must have been together for at least a few years.  You say you are the one who ended the relationship and you hint that maybe this has something to do with the drama from your ex.  Without details from you we can only guess that she is:  1) Grieving the loss of love and security in an important relationship; or 2)  finding it difficult to let go of anger and resentment left over from whatever bad experiences she shared with you in the relationship before you left.  So whether it is because of grief or anger that you are having conflict over the children, it is clear that there are serious emotional blocks to the two of you being able to work together for the best interest of your children right now.  

There are several approaches you could take to this problem.  The worst thing to do would be to surrender your rights as a father and to “wait until they are older” to have a relationship with them.  The years of your disappearance would create too wide a river to get back across without damage to the memory of you for your children.  I strongly advise you to stay engaged with your children through all of this.  

I also suggest that you try to talk to your ex about the common love that you both share for the children.  Talk to her about your common hopes and your shared expectations for their safety, happiness and well-being.  Even though you both share in these things, your lives have taken different paths when she may have expected or hoped that you would be a family together.

Even though you are now apart, it might be wise if the two of you made a decision to find a family therapist who is willing to consult with you both to help you develop a co-parenting plan that will include more effectively both of your approaches and ideas for raising your children.  No differently than if you had remained together, you will both still need to learn to compromise and cooperate in raising your children.  And just as a couple who is together might need a counselor to help them get through times of negative communication, the two of you might benefit from the help of a therapist who is knowledgeable about the impact of conflicting emotions and life choices on the ability of two people to parent together.  Demonstrate your willingness to seek the best interest of your children to your ex by suggesting that you seek support from a professional who will help you both discover both your weaknesses as well as your strengths that can be brought into play for the best interest of your children.

All the best,

Dr. A

These words of wisdom were provided by WeParent expert panelist, Dr. Makungu Akinyela, Marriage and Family therapist.

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Words from the Wise: Should I Take Him to Court?