WeParent

Giveaway: Sade “Soldier of Love” CD–3 Winners

WeParent — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 03:26:12 +0000

Love is in the air, and we are thrilled to be celebrating it by giving away Sade’s new Soldier of Love CD to three lucky WeParent readers. It’s hard to believe that the last time the group released an album, Lovers Rock, was a decade ago, It’s really hard to believe when you see frontwoman, Sade, who looks untouched by time.

The album hits stores on February 9^th. And, while we’re excited about the entire release, because we care so much about co-parenting and parenting, we can’t wait to check out the track, “Babyfather,” “about how great it is to be a parent, what a great honor and privilege that is, and what a terrible thing that is to waste,” frontwoman Sade Adu recently told PEOPLE. “As long as you feel good about yourself, you can be a good parent, and then it becomes an endless fruitful cycle,” she says. We second that emotion! We couldn’t get our hands on that one, but check out the video for “Soldier of Love” below:

So, like we said, we’re giving 3 copies of this long-anticipated release away. The deadline for entries is 11:59pm EST on Saturday, February 20th. Winners must have a U.S. address. We’ll announce winners here and on “Co-Parenting Matters” on Sunday, February 21st. Here’s how to enter to win one of 3 Soldier of Love CDs:

Mandatory (You have to do this one to qualify for additional chances):

Leave us a comment saying why you want to win. Include your favorite Sade song, if you have one.

And, here are a few ways to increase your chances. (Be sure to leave a comment here letting us know that you’ve done these.):

Join our mailing list.
Become a fan of WeParent on Facebook.
Follow WeParent on Twitter.
Become a member of our online community, WeParentConnect.

That’s five chances to win, so don’t miss out! Winners must have a U.S. address.

Mediation 101: An Interview with Gene A. Johnson, Jr., Pt. 2

WeParent — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 16:46:57 +0000

This is Part 2 of our extensive interview with Gene A. Johnson, Jr., also know as, “The Mediator”, who provided us with a basic lesson about mediation. There was so much goodness in the conversation, that we’ve broken this one into a 4-parter, so be sure to read Part 1, too. You can also check out our “Mediation 101″ episode of “Co-Parenting Matters” to hear Gene talk more about mediation.

Gene A. Johnson, Jr. aka "The Mediator"

WP: So, I want to clarify a couple of things you talked about. I thought it was interesting when you said that in some divorce cases, there may be 2 mediators for gender balance.

Gene: As mediators, we pride ourselves on being impartial and neutral, so a well-established and effective mediator would probably tell you that it doesn’t matter what their gender is. But, that’s a choice and an option the party has. Going back and comparing this to litigation, you know you can’t pick your judge. In mediation, you can select your mediator.

WP: Can you give us a sense of what percentage of cases actually do get resolved via mediation versus a court order?

Gene: It really depends on your jurisdiction. So for example, in California, I believe almost all family cases when you go to court, they don’t even allow you to see a judge before going through some mediation or mediation-like process.

WP: Got it.

Gene: But in other jurisdictions, mediation may not be offered or may be offered as an afterthought. So it varies from jurisdiction to jurisdiction. I can say though that studies have shown that when a case does go to mediation, somewhere along the lines of somewhere between 70-80% of those cases do come to some sort of resolution and agreement.

And, if you reach an agreement in mediation, this is a benefit of mediation, the compliance rate is extremely high. You’re looking at nearly a 90% compliance rate because this is what parties have agreed to on their own will. No one has forced this agreement on them, so they are more likely to comply with it.

WP: We talked previously about situations where one party may have an attorney and the other may not. But what about issues like the financial ability of one parent to sustain a mediation forever versus the other parent. Are there ways that mediators are trained to insure that the process does come to closure? And how does a parent who doesn’t have a lot of money to go on and on in this process insure that the power imbalance isn’t impacting or forcing them or putting them under duress to sign an agreement that they really aren’t fully bought into?

Gene: Right. Power dynamic…this is a huge topic. Mediators have entire 3-day and 4-day conferences around this subject, because it is very important. First let me say that it is not a mediator’s job to balance power. Once a mediator takes on a role of balancing power, he or she is no longer neutral and no longer impartial. Because now I’m taking sides, and I’m trying to make sure that this person is not getting the short end of the stick or what have you.

That being said, in every relationship and every encounter, there is a power imbalance. No two people enter into any negotiation on the same footing. Like you said, one may have more money, one may have more resources, whatever the reason, there is hardly ever equal footing of power.

That’s okay, though. because that’s how we make decisions. When we make a decision, we base it on that. We base it on what we have and the dynamics in a relationship, etc.

WP: Right.

Gene: That being said, it is a mediator’s job to make sure that no one is using this process unfairly or not negotiating in good faith…and I put that in quotations. So if the mediator feels that someone is using this process to get at another person or just to wear the other person down, then the mediator can find him or herself in an ethical situation where they may have to stop the mediation or determine if that the case is not appropriate for mediation, because a party is not negotiating in good faith.

For the most part, this plays out in cases of domestic violence. In domestic violence, there’s a huge power imbalance and one party is usually coerced either by fear, intimidation or concern about their safety, so they are willing to agree to almost anything. In those scenarios, that case should be screened out of mediation.

Cases where there is domestic violence in a relationship should not be referred to mediation. In mediation, we feel as long as a person can freely negotiate without fear of harm or safety, they are not coerced into anything as well as they are making an informed decision, they have all the information they need, then that case is appropriate for mediation.

WP: Got you. What other examples of situations are there where mediation may not be a viable solution for parents?

Gene: Mediation may not be a viable solution, once again, if there is a domestic violence situation. Mediation, obviously, will not be appropriate if one person does not want to go to mediation. So those two things, other than that, I think mediation can work in almost any other scenario.

Even in scenarios where you may think you’ve decided on all of the parenting arrangements and all of the custody and limitations, everything except for the month of July, because maybe the father wants the child to spend the month of July with him. You can go to mediation just to resolve that one issue, and all the other issues can be decided in litigation in court.

I think mediation allows that flexibility, so where you may think mediation may not be appropriate for all issues, there may be one or two issues that you can work out in mediation.

WP: So does that mean that for parents who, for example, want to modify orders at some point, years after or months after there’s been a court order, mediation is a potentially good option for addressing that.

Gene: Mediation definitely may be a good option for addressing that sort of thing; although, I don’t want to overstep my boundaries and give mediators more power than they have in terms of overturning a court order or a court decision. So what I would recommend is that if you go to mediation and you want to amend an agreement, that’s fine, but make sure you go to your lawyer or to court and go through the proper channels of doing so.

In some jurisdictions, it’s okay to come up with mediated agreement then present it to the court and say okay, this is how we want to amend our parenting plan. You really need to check with your jurisdiction in terms of how that process is done, but I believe that mediation could definitely be an option.

Read Part 1 of this interview

Listen to our discussion with Gene on “Co-Parenting Matters”

Co-Parenting Matters This Week: Happy Parents…Happy Kids!

WeParent — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 13:21:53 +0000

“…I accept full responsibility for my life and my choices — I sing no victim songs.

I willfully participate in the world using my voice to empower myself and others.”

Yvonne Bynoe, founder Sophisticated Woman and Mama

Okay, if ever there was a credo to live by, Yvonne Bynoe’s is it. The above is an excerpt from Yvonne’s credo, the guiding principle for her life and for the lives that she helps other women realize for themselves.

Yvonne, an author and a mom, founded Sophisticated Woman and Mama to “to assist Gen-X working mothers who want to end their work/life struggle. Instead of trying to balance their various roles I encourage them to first define their beliefs and values. This step helps working women to make decisions that are aligned with their individual versions of professional and family success. My philosophy is that women who continue to develop themselves bring more clarity to their roles as mothers, partners and professionals.”

We are so excited to have Yvonne join us on the Sunday, February 14th* “Co-Parenting Matters” show, “Happy Parents, Happy Kids.” On the show, we’ll talk about the importance of all co-parents healing and empowering themselves in the wake of a break up, and in particular, Yvonne will discuss her mission to“revolutionize motherhood” so that all women have “the courage to create a life and a motherhood experience that they passionately love.”

As always, “Co-Parenting Matters” airs 9:30 – 11 PM EST on BlogTalk Radio.

On the show, we’ll announce the winners of a special offer that Yvonne is making available to CoParenting101.org and WeParent.com readers! One winner from each site will win a COMPLIMENTARY Working Moms Startup Coaching Session with Yvonne. The session will include:

The “Where Are You” Questions
- a meaningful inquiry into your life and aspirations.
A thirty-minute laser coaching discussion

In your session with Yvonne, you can:

Chart a course to accomplishing a specific goal
Design the framework for your ideal life – maximizing the things that bring you joy and fulfillment and reducing the draining “shoulds.”
Create strategies to overcome limiting beliefs.

Yvonne will help you see what’s possible – and laser in on the best course of action for you based on your interests, values and intentions. Yvonne says, “Working Moms Startup sessions could result in a new decision for your life, inspire a make-over, generate a new business idea, or expose your inner critic…stay open to the possibilities.”

If you are ready to create your ideal life, or know a mother who is, don’t miss this valuable opportunity! Here’s how to enter in 2 easy steps:

(1) Email us at info AT weparent DOT com nominating yourself or another working mom for the complimentary start up session, then LEAVE A COMMENT HERE telling us you’ve submitted the nomination. Explain why you (she) should win the session, and how it can make a difference in your (her) life.

Then…

(2) Send a short email to Yvonne AT Sophisticatedwomanandmama DOT com containing the same info as in (1).

(3) Yvonne will choose one winner from each site.

(4) Winners will be announced during “Happy Parents, Happy Kids.”

Enter today and get one step closer to a happier you…which means, a happier kid!

*“Co-Parenting Matters” will take a brief break from the airwaves on Super Bowl Sunday February 7th…for the obvious reasons.

Black History Month Giveaway: Family Passes to “Let Your Motto Be Resistance”

WeParent — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 21:38:20 +0000

Let your motto be resistance! Resistance! RESISTANCE!
No oppressed people have ever secured their liberty without resistance.
–Abolitionist Henry Highland Garnet, 1843

Resistance has been a critical theme throughout the history of Black families in this country. It has taken many forms. For some, survival by itself was an act of resistance. For others, it looked like fighting back…or not fighting back. And, for many, it was the commitment to celebrating our history and culture even when the cost was torture or death.

At WeParent, we believe that building strong, healthy, effective co-parenting relationships is an act of resistance against the forces that pull our children away from us–as much as it is an act of love. Through our commitment to partnering in parenting, we give our children the foundation they need to stand strong in this world. And, to us, raising strong, happy, powerful Black children is a revolultionary act all by itself. So, we’re all about resistance through a co-parenting revolution.

On January 30, 2010, the Atlanta History Center will celebrate the opening of a new exhibition, Let Your Motto Be Resistance: African-American Portraits which runs through April 25th. Let Your Motto Be Resistance is the first of four exhibitions being present as part of the Center’s Civil War to Civil Rights series. The exhibit, inspired by the call to action of nineteenth century political activist and Underground Railroad conductor, Henry Highland Garnet, uses portraits of well-known African-Americans from the Smithsonian’s National Portrait Gallery to trace 150 years of U.S. history. These powerful images celebrate the diverse ways that African-Americans creatively and courageously redefined the history of this country through struggle, accomodation and resistance.

As part of our celebration of Black History Month, we’re partnering with the Atlanta History Center to give away family passes to Let Your Motto Be Resistance to four lucky WeParent readers. Passes are good for free admission for 2 adults and up to 4 children (a $74 value.) We’ll choose a new winner each week during the month of February. So, if you don’t win this week, your entry is still in the hat for the next one. Winners will be announced every Sunday during Black History Month and notified via email. Here’s how to enter:

MANDATORY:

Leave a comment here either suggesting a way for parents to celebrate Black History Month with their children, telling us how you’re planning to celebrate with yours or just sharing a few words about an historic figure who inspires you.

OPTIONAL:

Join our mailing list and leave a comment here telling us you did.
Become a member of our online community, WeParent Connect.
Become a fan of WeParent on Facebook and leave a comment telling us you did.

That’s 4 chances to win! Don’t miss this opportunity to share this glimpse into African-American and U.S. history with your family. We’ll see you there!

Preparing Our Kids to THRIVE in the 21st Century

Venus Taylor — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 12:00:21 +0000

The world our kids will inherit is far different from the one we were born into.

Back when I was born, most TVs were still in black and white. There was no cable tv, no fax machines, microwave ovens, or personal computers. People held jobs for years, if not lifetimes. And they often retired with pensions…unless, like my grandmother, they were cheated out of them by being laid off just before they’d reached the 20- or 30-year mark. (But that’s a different story.)

Our kids are being born into a world of rapid change. Product choices, investment options, job descriptions, even “proven facts,” can become obsolete every 6 months. To prosper in the 21^st century, our children need more than just computer skills. They need to be able to hold their own – emotionally, financially, and socially. They need to be ready to ride the waves of change. They need an internal GPS and a lighthouse, so they don’t get lost in a storm. And they need an anchor to mark the place they call “home.”

Along with a solid education and good manners, here are a few other tools to properly equip today’s kids for tomorrow’s world:

Skills Every Child Needs to T.H.R.I.V.E. in the 21st Century

THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX — Kids these days need to be able to do more than memorize facts. Thinking critically and creatively will help them rise to every new challenge they’ll face.

Foster kids’ creativity with “What if…” questions – What would you do if you needed to open a can and couldn’t find a can opener? What might happen if you jump off the sofa with that coffee table sitting there?

Above all, don’t punish them when they DO think creatively…and end up doing something you don’t like. Like, let’s say, tie-dying the cat so it doesn’t camouflage with the living room carpet. Instead, recognize their creativity, but guide them toward a more useful application.

HEAL – The world can be a sick place – physically and emotionally. We can’t control the world, but we can control ourselves.

Teach kids how to keep themselves healthy and strong – in spite of what happens in the world around them – by building up their immune systems. (Again, physically, and emotionally.)

Physically: Who knows if there will be any affordable health care when our kids are grown? The best guarantee of good health is eating real food – especially fruits and veggies – cooked at home with real ingredients – not chemicals, colors, and preservatives. Healthy food creates a healthy immune system – helping your body heal and fight disease from the inside out.

Emotionally: Encourage kids to name their feelings. Ask them often, “How did you feel when that happened?” Their honest emotions can be an internal GPS, guiding them to stay away from danger, or to speak up when they don’t like something. Respect their right to have feelings different from yours. Don’t shut them down. The more kids know themselves, and the more they learn to express feelings their feelings verbally, the more self-disciplined they can be.

RESOLVE CONFLICTS – In friendships, at school, in job situations…knowing how to resolve conflicts productively is an invaluable social skill.

Teach kids to listen to another’s point of view as well as calmly express their own. Ask, “How could this be handled in a way that respects everybody?”

DON’T HIT. Hitting kids teaches them that physical violence is ok to use when you’re upset. It also fosters anger, resentment, and low self-esteem – none of which promotes healthy conflict management.

After a conflict, ask, “How’d you feel about the way things went? What might you do differently next time?”

INITIATE – The days of being an “employee” are over.

Even if you’re employed by someone, you’ve gotta think like an entrepreneur to make yourself indispensable. Rather than passively waiting for an employer to tell you what to do, you’ve got to have initiative – think independently, come up with new ideas.

Help kids build their “initiative muscles” by letting them make some decisions for the family: Put them in charge of Saturday night’s menu; let them come up with a way to fix the wobbly kitchen chair.

When they complain about something, ask them what they would do to make it better. Then let them implement their ideas.

VERIFY ALL CLAIMS – Don’t let kids fall into the trap of believing every so-called “authority.” They will be marketed to, relentlessly, by politicians and advertisers – many of whom will not share the whole truth.

Teach kids to use the internet and other resources to find facts and opinions that contradict what they hear. Encourage them to look within themselves and decide whom to believe.

EMPATHIZE WITH OTHERS – Not being able to accept another’s perspective is the primary cause of war – both globally and domestically.

Teach your kid to BE PEACE by learning to respect other people’s opinions, feelings, and desires.

Help them learn to hold two opposing perspectives – their own, and another person’s – and to treat others not as they would like to be treated, but as the other would like to be treated.

* * *

Kids who learn to Think, Heal, Resolve, Initiate, Verify, and Empathize, stay in-tuned with themselves and others.

They are anchored by close relationships over time, even as they re-invent themselves and relocate every few years.

They are guided by strong values that always lead them on the right course.

And they know how to change direction to navigate the winds of change.

MamaSpeak: This Game of Co-Parenting…Are You Playing to Win?

Talibah Mbonisi — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 12:00:24 +0000

Doesn’t it suck when you think you’re winning a game only to find out halfway through it that you’ve been playing the wrong game? For thirty minutes, you and your partner, affectionately known as “Them”, have taken some serious risks, so you wouldn’t underbid and lose points for winning too many books. And, you’ve done it masterfully, talking high quality junk all the while. Confident, cocky even, in your mastery of the game and ability to diminish your opponents, “Us,” both on the table and verbally. It’s the fourth hand, and you and your partner start smirking at each other from opposite sides of the card table, because these fools, “Us”, went board and then took twice as many books. You start clowning, talking loud, because they’re about to be down another 80 points for sandbagging. But…What? Oh. Hell. No.

House rules…We don’t play that way. Wrong game, Baby!

Yes, that smooth, culturally relevant metaphor is all about co-parenting. The fact is, too often, we go along thinking we’re winning, only to find out we’ve got the rules wrong, or worse, we’re playing the wrong game altogether. We’re bidding our hands, but winning the game actually requires a little sandbagging. We’re playing Joker’s high, but really deuces win. We think spades are trump, but they keep changing it. Oh snap, we’re playing Spades and the game is Tonk! Damn.

And, of course, the problem is that the way you score points, how you win, how you play, everything changes depending on the game. Co-parenting is the same way. Too often, we find ourselves playing the “Better Parent” game. We rack up points, playing full out, in areas like:

Who’s spending more time on our child?
Who’ spending more money on our child?
Who “knows” our child best? Who knows more about what goes on in his/her life? Mind? Heart?
Who does our child prefer or even love more?
Who cares more?
Who’s the better parent?

But, guess what? Wrong game, Baby! In this house, we play the “Happy, Healthy, Whole Child” game. Here, you score points in categories like:

How loved does my child feel?
How whole does my child feel?
How safe and secure does my child feel?
How successful does my child feel?
How confident is my child in his ability to deal with difficult challenges?
How happy is my child?

Winning requires strategies and skills like teamwork, effective conflict management, high quality listening, meeting in the middle, focusing on solutions, and yes, do-or-die commitement. Talking across the board is allowed, if it’s respectful, and everybody knows the house rules up front. And, hell, if you’re winning and want to talk junk…we honor bragging rights. Because, where we live, in our house, “Us” and “Them” become “We” and, we play this co-parenting game to win. Our kids deserve nothing less.

So, in your next quiet moment of reflection or while you’re in the throes of an argument with your child’s other parent, stop for a minute and ask yourself what game you’re playing. And, if it’s the wrong one, change it up…and play to win!

Co-Parenting Matters This Week: Mediation 101

WeParent — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 18:13:49 +0000

Abraham Lincoln probably wasn’t talking about co-parenting when he advised:

“Discourage litigation. Persuade neighbors to compromise whenever you can. Point out to them how the nominal winner is often the real loser in fees, expenses, and a waste of time.”

But, his words perfectly describe our “Co-Parenting Matters” topic for this week: Mediation 101.

Join us this Sunday, January 24th at 9:30pm EST on “Co-Parenting Matters”, when “The Mediator”, Gene A. Johnson, Jr., educates us about mediation. In our recent interview with him, Gene suggested that despite being a viable alternative to the option of an ugly court battle, many parents may not be aware of mediation or fully understand what it is.

Well, this Sunday, we get to find out. We’ll discuss what mediation is, how the process works and what you can do to get the most out of your collaboration. Join the conversation by calling in to (646)378-0580 or listen to the live stream at www.blogtalkradio.com/CoParentingMatters.

And, in the meantime, to learn more about mediation, check out Part 1 of our interview with “The Mediator.” It’s only a taste, so be sure to listen to “Co-Parenting Matters” this Sunday.

Leave questions or comments for Gene in the comments section, and we’ll share them on the air.

Fatherhood Freestyle: You Are the Prize

Mike McRae — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 06:45:41 +0000

This post was inspired by the recent “Co-Parenting Matters” show on “Dads Raising Daughters” as well as my recent move from one coast to the other.

So, my daughter has been walking to school with one particular “friend” from our neighborhood since school began. We’ll call her, “Sarah” for the sake of anonymity. Well, around 7:15AM a few Mondays ago, my daughter sent Sarah the customary text to determine the logistics for the morning’s plans. When she responded “I can’t walk today,” I made the decision to drive my daughter to school myself. As we sat in the school parking lot waiting for the doors to open, I casually asked why her friend couldn’t walk. She shrugged her shoulders, explaining that Sarah “doesn’t speak” to her anymore.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Rewind.

She doesn’t speak to her anymore? How about all the back-and-forth texts? And her smile when I drop my daughter off every morning? No sooner than she’d said this, we looked ahead and there was Sarah walking up the hill…by herself. My daughter pulled out her phone to confirm she had read the text correctly, and disappointingly stated, “That’s what she said.” I immediately got that visceral feeling that overcomes every parent when they think someone has hurt their kid, regardless of that person’s age.

While we sat in the car waiting for the school’s doors to open, I decided it was time to press the issue a little. My daughter explained that Sarah had given some kids in the classroom necklaces, but not her. She told me Sarah sometimes didn’t even speak to her in school despite their having walked together just that morning. My daughter said Sarah called her “sooo annoying” and had recently been very mean to her. My blood, a raging 212 degrees Farenheit at this point was about to explode into a wicked headache. I tried my damnedest not to show my frustration, because I didn’t want her to pick up that this bothered me and (possibly) decide against sharing these kinds of stories in the future out of concern I would be hurt.

Convinced I had already heard enough, I let her finish telling the story anyway. I knew my daughter wanted that relationship, even though it probably didn’t feel good to her. I felt she was sticking around, because she didn’t see any better alternative. She had plenty of other good friendships from before, so she probably thought she’d easily find them here. After all, she had never experienced being the new girl in the new neighborhood in the new school on a different coast. Honestly, I may have underestimated these challenges myself. Given the recent transition, I knew she really wanted to be accepted and would be willing to try her hardest to make that happen, even if it meant forgetting her own strength and value. The whole discussion actually reminded me so much of those I’ve had with adult women about their own friendships and romantic relationships throughout the years. All I could see was my own daughter ten or fifteen years from now…and I refused to let this teachable moment pass without my sending a powerful message.

After she finished, I started to teach (or was it venting?). I told her she didn’t need to pursue ANY relationship where she was not equally pursued. I told her she was a good friend and needed to find friends who reciprocated. I explained to her that making new friends quickly wasn’t as important as making good friends. I even told her most people are lucky to have just five or so true friends in life. I explained that she should want friends who value her friendship, and that she should never settle for less. This probably lasted for a good half hour. She opened the car door after the school doors opened and gave me a hug. As she was leaving, I told her to look around, and I said, “Remember, YOU and your friendship are the prize.” She nodded her head, sighed, and left.

All day, I kept wondering if I had said the right thing. I was completely unproductive at work, calling friends left and right to see if they could help me wrap my head around the whole situation. I was consumed. Did she pick up on my anger? Was she listening to or even understanding what I had said? Was I being too protective and not just allowing her to ride it out naturally (with less overt support)? Should I pull her from the school if things didn’t improve? Would I continue the conversation later at home? Or maybe I was just blowing this whole thing out of proportion.

By the time I got home, I had already decided I would drop subtle nuggets of wisdom here and there instead of continuing to explicitly reference the situation. However, later that evening, my daughter spontaneously said to me, “Dad, Sarah told me a few days ago that she was going to buy me a Christmas present.” I calmly asked if Sarah had spoken to her throughout the day, and she responded, “No.” I wanted to make sure she wasn’t getting her hopes up too high. Plus, I had mixed feelings about her accepting a gift from Sarah. However, I wanted to leave the decision up to her, so I asked her whether she intended to accept it. She shot back forcefully, “I don’t know, but even if she gives me one, I am not getting her one!” Although it was her decision to make, I insisted she consider the message she would be sending either way. “If you really do not want to be her friend, do you really think it’s cool to take a gift from her?”

She went on to say that how Sarah had been acting was not nice, how she didn’t appreciate it and didn’t want to be her friend anymore. In fact, she told me that if the girl did not apologize and tried to talk to her, she would simply say, “Wait! What is that buzzing sound in my ear?” She stated she could make friends with other kids, and she no longer wanted to walk with Sarah. (Of course, she didn’t know I’d already made arrangements with the boss to go in late, so I could bring her to school myself.) Surprised at this new energy and spirit, I was smiling as I asked her where all this was coming from. She looked at me with those beautiful brown eyes and said, “Remember Daddy, I am the prize.”

Mediation 101: An Interview with Gene A. Johnson, Jr., Pt. 1

WeParent — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 19:42:03 +0000

WeParent had the opportunity to chat with Gene A. Johnson, Jr., also know as, “The Mediator”, for a basic lesson about mediation. There was so much goodness in the conversation, that we’re breaking this one into a multi-parter. And, adding to the goodness, Gene will be our guest on “Co-Parenting Matters” this Sunday. Feel free to leave your questions along with your comments below. And, for now, here’s Part 1 of our interview.

WeParent: Can you talk a little bit about what mediation is generally?

Gene: Sure. Mediation basically is a process where a trained and neutral impartial person, known as a “mediator”, assists parties in communicating, understanding and clarifying their interests, whatever interest they may have. The mediation process usually is confidential as well as voluntary, so that means whatever is said in a mediation cannot be introduced in a court of law or any other administrative proceeding.

Mediation works best, I believe, because you can create your own solutions that address your own needs. We help people have a conversation. Out of that conversation, they are addressing whatever interest they may have and trying to generate movement so people are talking about their interests and not being so positional and adversarial.

WeParent: For clarification, a mediator does not represent either party. The mediator functions as a facilitator of the conversation that gets both parties to an agreeable solution, right?

Gene: This is true. Mediators come from all different backgrounds. Some mediators are lawyers by profession or by training. Some mediators are counselors. Some mediators are psychologists. Some mediators are social workers. Although that may be what they are trained to do, once they are sitting before you as a mediator, they take off those other hats, and they are there as a mediator.

WeParent: So how is mediation different from other dispute resolution processes? There’s arbitration, there’s just going and have a judge mandate orders. What’s different about mediation?

Gene: Well mediation is different because, once again, you get to create your own solution. If you go through the court or arbitration, usually you may have 10 or 15 minutes with a judge. Then they are going to decide what is best for you in your situation, and they may or may not know you from a can a paint.

In mediation, the mediator will not impose any solutions. You will come up with your own solutions, because we believe you know what is best for your situation.

Mediation also differs because you get to communicate directly with the other party, directly with the decision maker. If you go to court, you don’t usually get to speak to the decision maker. Even though the decision maker may be the judge, usually you will go through your lawyer; and then your lawyer will talk to the judge.

It’s also very cost efficient. The matter in mediation is usually resolved a lot quicker than going to court, so there are less fees in terms of the lawyer fees, etc. Also, you are able to schedule mediations on your own time, which means that if you want to schedule a mediation on Saturday or in the evening hours, you’re not beholden to a judge and whatever court dates that are available or even not available.

WeParent: Are there other emotional benefits? What benefits are there outside of the ones that you’ve listed which are already pretty numerous?

Gene: One benefit is that although mediation usually takes up less time than going to court with motions and adjournments and etc., a mediation actually gives you more time to really talk about how you feel, which is important. Whenever you’re in a dispute, the number 1 thing that usually gets in the way of your resolving the dispute is emotions.

Most of the time, judges are not equipped to really hear how you feel. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “the facts and nothing but the facts,” because that’s what they want. Sometimes cases are more nuanced than that, and you may need to express yourself.

One of the misconceptions about going to court is that people believe they are going to have their day in court, and they are going to have this Perry Mason moment where I’m going to get up and say this and say that. The reality is that doesn’t happen. There are so many guidelines; you can only speak at certain times. Usually you don’t get to speak at all. Your lawyer does all the speaking. Everything is very rigid. Everything is very procedural.

There are some courts where even if you submit documents, the documents need to be typed a certain way or in a certain font etc. In mediation, it’s just the opposite. Mediation is very informal. You are having a conversation with the other parent trying to reach a collaborative resolution, which is important. As we all know, after your day in court, usually you will not improve that relationship. The relationship will be a lot worse because you slung mud and have gone back and forth in the adversarial process. Mediation, which opens up communication, will seek to restore, maybe even better the relationship with your ex-partner or the co-parent.

WeParent: It seems that going to court, to a large degree, is about winning and losing. But, it sounds like mediation has a foundational philosophy that collaboration is the best solution driver.

Gene: You’re definitely correct. Court by its nature, litigating, there’s going to be a winner and a loser. You’re either going to win, or you’re going to lose. And, some would even argue if you win, you still end up losing because you spent time and effort, and you probably did not improve the relationship that you have with your co-parent.

So, mediation seeks to shift the ground a little bit so that the process is collaborative, and you don’t have this jude to prove your case to or to prove that someone else is unfit. In mediation, what we’re looking for is the best interest of the child. And you’re not going to have a judge dictate what is in the best interest of your child. You will.

The other thing is when you go to court, you roll the dice, because nothing is guaranteed. You’re putting the fate of your child in someone’s hands, and judges are human. Mediations give you more control of the process and more control of the outcome.

WeParent: I’m curious about your thoughts on why more parents don’t mediate first, or do they? Is mediation typically a higher percentage of how parents resolve disputes? It just seems like even when my son’s father and I were first splitting up, the initial advice was go to court. Nobody was yelling, go to mediation first.

Gene: That’s definitely true. I think our culture is set up where if you have any type of problem, any type of conflict, any type of disagreement, you automatically get into adversarial mode. So, mediation is often an afterthought or not even mentioned at all. All that you can do when you’re in the situation is think about how can I get even with this person? How can I stick it to this person?

By doing that, you totally forget about the child. You totally forget about what’s in your best interest. Sometimes just because this person did some things that you may not agree with, that doesn’t mean that you cannot work together in a collaborative fashion. Particularly when you have child involved, it’s probably in both your best interests for you to get along and not be so adversarial.

The other thing is that mediation is a relatively new profession. It has been around possibly 40, no more than 50 years, so it’s new. So a lot of people are not aware of what mediation is and not aware of what a mediator does. They may confuse it with counseling. They may think of it as, “Oh, I don’t want to go to that touchy feely thing.” So a lot of people are not away and just have little knowledge of what mediation actually is.

Read Part 2 of this interview.

Check out our interview with Gene on “Co-Parenting Matters”.

Contact Gene A. Johnson, Jr., “The Mediator”, directly on LinkedIn, Twitter or Facebook or email him at GAJohnsonjr AT gmail DOT com.

Tonight on Co-Parenting Matters: Raising Him Alone…Single Mothers Raising Sons

WeParent — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 01:02:15 +0000

Join us tonight for an engaging discussion about the “Raising Him Alone Campaign” and the experiences of single mothers raising sons. David Miller, co-founder of the “Raising Him Alone Campaign” will be joining us to talk about the campaign which is dedicated to supporting the social well-being of single mothers raising sons. And, along with David, we’ll have Sheron Smith as our guest. Sheron is the mother of Grammy-nominated rapper and actor, Mos Def. She has a powerful story to share about being a single mother raising a highly successful son in a toxic environment.

Call in to (646)347-0585 to join in the discussion. Or listen to the live stream at www.blogtalkradio.com/CoParentingMatters.

Be sure to check out the interview with did with David about the launch of the campaign last Spring.