MamaSpeak: It Takes a Village to Support Co-Parents

Many people became familiar with the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child,” after Hillary Clinton popularized the African proverb in 1996. “Indeed, Clinton’s use of that particular proverb is one of the best known examples of American politicians borrowing from ancient, African intelligence,” says Dr. Askhari Hodari, author of Lifelines: The Black Book of Proverbs. Acknowledging Clinton’s debt to African wisdom, Hodari says, “This proverb actually originated with the Kiswahili speaking people of East Africa and from the area in West Africa now known as Nigeria. Even all these years later, this popular proverb communicates an important message to direct and guide parents.”

And,my son’s father and I are among them. Over the course of our co-parenting relationship, we have found that looking to the village for help and support has made co-parenting easier. Whether it’s to family, friends, teachers or coaches, we make sure our commitment to co-parenting is clear, and we ask for help in fulfilling that commitment. Assistance might come in the form of an agreement to communicate with both of us, learning our son’s schedule, respecting us as co-parents or just lending an understanding ear when the challenges of co-parenting join forces with Murphy’s Law.

For us, it means that our son’s piano teacher actually knows who he’s with on which days and works with that parent to schedule lessons, minimizing the need for either of us to act as the middle-person. His soccer coach texts and emails both of us with team-related messages. And, his teacher works with us to arrange parent-teacher meetings that work for both of us. It also means that both our families respect the parenting time schedule we’ve agreed upon and coordinate with the appropriate parent to schedule activities with our son. Sure, all of this support means that logistics are much easier to manage than before we really embraced this idea of village-supported co-parenting, but it has also resulted in a lot less conflict around logistics. (Somebody say, “Amen!”)

So, here are a few ways we help the village help us; maybe they’ll work for you, too:

• Be up front about the fact that we are co-parenting and sometimes need help. I won’t hesitate to explain to the kind ladies in our son’s school office that I have a co-parenting dilemma and could use their help. The dilemma might be that I’d like to leave medication that my son needs to take to his father’s house with them rather than leave it in his backpack. If they can, given their time and the school policies, they will always help.

• Provide coaches, teachers, etc. with contact information for both parents AND specifically request that they communicate with both of us. Usually, this means that we’re both getting the same information at the same time…the good, the bad and the ugly. This way, we’re both on the same page. And, one of us doesn’t carry the burden of knowing and therefore managing everything.

• Share the parenting time schedule with both parents’ families, teachers, coaches, etc., so everyone understands and respects the “on duty” parent as the primary point of contact during their scheduled time. While you certainly can’t expect others to memorize your schedule, our experience has been that just knowing that there is a schedule will at least trigger the question, “Now, who is he with on Thursdays?” which then leads to a conversation with the appropriate parent. For us, this means family, too. Our families are both willing to communicate not only with the parent who’s related to them, but also with the parent whose time they might be interested in “borrowing.” Our families even have access to the shared online calendar we use to manage our schedule.

• Expand the village by sharing resources. Whether it’s a connection to the parent of a great playdate or a fabulous babysitter, we’ve found that sharing some of our individual resources adds to the richness of our village.

Even though it may not feel like it sometimes, the truth is, we don’t have to do this alone. It may be family, coaches, dance instructors, doctors, neighbors or our church community; whatever the form, the village is there to support us. We just have to let it. And, in case you forget, here are a couple more proverbs from Lifelines to remind you, courtesy of Dr. Hodari:

Cross the river in a crowd and the crocodile won’t eat you.
—Africa

When the load fatigues the head, the shoulder takes over.
—Nigeria (Igbo)

So, WeParent family, who’s in your village?  How do they help you?  And, how do you help them help you?