Co-Parenting Matters June Line-up

June 4, 2010 by Talibah Mbonisi
Filed under Podcast

This Week on Co-Parenting Matters: Navigating the Legal Process

November 12, 2009 by Talibah Mbonisi
Filed under Podcast

Defining Deadbeat…and Fatherhood: WeParent Talks to Lisa Carter

March 26, 2009 by WeParent
Filed under Articles

Father absence is an epidemic in the Black community. We know this. But, according to attorney, filmmaker, WeParent expert panelist, and founder of Seed in the Earth, Lisa L. Carter, there may be more to know about the causes.

WeParent had the opportunity to talk to Lisa about her organization, Seed in the Earth, and insights she gained while filming her documentary, A Fatherless Child: Diary of Absence.

WP: Let’s just jump in! Tell us a little about Seed in the Earth, your organization, and the film, A Fatherless Child: A Diary of Absence…

Lisa: The film itself was designed really as a ministry tool. I’m a born-again Christian and in my search through asking God what the purpose of my life was, He gave me an assignment, which was to minister to fathers who were absent from their children’s lives and to help them to reconcile and restore broken relationships that existed between themselves and their children and the mothers of their children. And so when I got that assignment during my prayers, I actually got the vision for Seed in the Earth, a hand dropping a seed down and that seed floating down to this image of an earth, of a globe. The mission of Seed in the Earth is to educate people regarding the roles of fathers and to restore the honor in fatherhood.

At some point, a portion of the assignment was, “Okay, you need to make a film.” I didn’t know anything about film. I didn’t know anything about media. I happened to be talking to my best friend about it and pouring my heart out about this big task and how I didn’t know where to start. Well, low and behold, my friend actually has a media production company. Her name is Milicent Hunt, and she was very instrumental in helping me bring the film to pass as a ministry tool for Seed in the Earth.

WP: I haven’t found many documentaries that really focus on this subject. What insights did you gain through doing the film? Was there anything that surprised you, or did it just validate what you already knew about the issue of father absence?

Lisa: Well I’ll tell you that I went into the film with the perspective of being very balanced. I didn’t want to take a position in favor of mothers or in favor of fathers. My intention was to hear the voice of the children and how they feel about all of these conflicts that are going on between mothers and fathers.

One of the things I was really, really impacted by is the term “deadbeat.” What I learned is that we have used the term way too freely to describe a majority of absent fathers. Did you know that the real definition of “deadbeat” is an unrestricted parent who is treated equally, no restrictions, but who voluntarily chooses not to be a present or supportive parent in his/her child’s life? That’s the real definition. So, once I came to that understanding and started hearing people’s stories, I started comparing them to that definition. And, I started realizing that, you know, he’s not a deadbeat, because there are certain things about his situation that are restrictive. There are things about his situation that do not appear to be treating him as an equal parent. I learned that our society has grown to use that term loosely without really listening to why fathers are not present.

WP: And, what about the children? What did you hear from them?

Lisa: Well, let me start by saying that the epidemic of fatherlessness has three voices and three perspectives. And, sometimes people don’t really realize that. Mother’s got a perspective; Father’s got a perspective; and the child’s got a perspective. And, despite the conflict between the mom and the dad, the child’s perspective is, “Listen, I just want us to get along. I don’t want you to trash each other.” Because, to them, when you have enough self-restraint to not do that, it communicates love toward them.

WP: Right.

Lisa: They don’t want to be in the middle, because when you dog out the other parent, you really dog out a part of your child. The bottom line is the more you talk badly about the absent parent, the more you defer your child’s wholeness. And, this is what they are saying. They’re saying, “Mom, whether you like it or not, part of me was created by Dad. When you make your negative feelings about him openly known to me over and over and over, you cause more bad things to fester in me than you realize. You cause me to feel rejected. You cause me to feel abandoned. You cause me to feel that a biological part of me is bad. You cause me to feel guilty for wanting to mend the relationship with the absent parent, and you just cause me to feel angry toward the world as a whole.”

WP: Some of the things you’re saying may be hard truths for people to accept. It’s much easier sometimes to only be the victim than to recognize how you may contribute to the issues. What types of reactions did you get from mothers?

Lisa: Mothers were very protective in not allowing their children to express themselves. At first I thought it was natural protectiveness, and some of it could have been that. But, much of it seemed like it was more about not wanting my child to let the whole world know that I say to them that your dad is a deadbeat; your dad’s no good. I didn’t get a whole lot of depth from the mothers, other than the anger about how much money he pumped into the child.

WP: Did you find that that was a primary justification? I mean sometimes the absence is just a pure fact of Daddy having made a decision. But, the point of what you’re saying is that sometimes mothers are restricting the relationship. So, is child support the primary reason?

Lisa: I hate to say this, but regardless of the reason the mother and father’s relationship was broken, the mothers seemed to use the money as a weapon. For example, they would articulate that they were angry, because the money a man spends on his child is representative of the quantity of love that he has for that child. That’s what they were expressing, but the more you talked to them and got the background of the relationship, a lot of times, it would come back to something emotional; some fight they had had; something that he had done like, “He hit me,” or, “He cheated on me.” So their tool is to get him for child support, but that wasn’t the real reason they were acting the way they were. Does that make sense?

WP: Yes. I definitely get it. But, one of the things I struggle with as I see more of this dynamic, sort out my own co-parenting relationship and talk about it through the website is that I also get it as a mother. I understand the pain and the frustration and the disappointment that we mothers feel.

Lisa: When you try to measure his worth, meaning his self-worth and whether or not he loves this child by money alone, that’s a kick to his ego and to his manhood.

WP: But, that’s how we’re socialized. It is how men tend to measure their worth and how we measure their worth. There’s really a need to for us to think more broadly about this, but it’s not necessarily how we’ve been raised. I was raised in a two-parent household, and I can remember my mother boiling things down to, “You’ve never wanted for anything. He’s a good provider.”

This is one of the reasons I really like the Role Identifier, the eight roles that fathers play, that you talk about in the film and on your website. It gives a comprehensive description of the part that father’s really play, or should play in their children’s lives. It seems simple, but it’s a good tool to challenge what can be narrowness on the part of mothers and fathers sometimes.

Lisa: I will say that the role of a father has not changed, but many fathers just don’t know what that role is anymore. So many fathers don’t really know what they are supposed to be doing. They don’t’ know that as the creator, they’ve created life and are a source of light for their children; that everything in your child’s development begins and ends with you. They don’t know that as a nourisher, they’re supposed to be there to meet that child’s physical, spiritual and emotional needs. Or, as a protector, they’re supposed to protect their children from negative influences, whether that be through television or radio or the way they dress or speak. They don’t know that it’s their job as a leader to be disciplined himself first, because leadership and influence over your children is part of his job. And, they can’t maintain that job through fear and domination. They need to understand that as a lover, they’re supposed to love their children even when they do bad things. They are supposed to love and care for them and let them know you are committed to them. Not just in your words, but in your actions.

The most important thing that fathers don’t know is that they are the redeemer. That means that you take back what’s been taken from you and in doing that, you have to judge your own wrong as a father. You have to correct the mistakes you’ve made with your children to the best of your ability. Then, you just have to step back into position and just keep on going. You teach your children about what you did wrong. You guide them on how to not make the same mistakes. And, if they do, you pick them up, you love them and you keep going.

WP: I like that provider/nourisher is just one aspect of how you define a father’s role. When I take that to heart, then I can start going down the list and see that, OK, maybe he’s lacking in this area, but there are five others…

Lisa: That he may be doing a wonderful job in. Or, that he may be stronger in the financial area. And, when you start balancing them out, you start to realize that maybe the money isn’t as important as I’ve made it in identifying his worth as a father. Because, if you ask the child, the money is not that important. It is only important to them when they don’t understand the other roles, because you keep telling them your dad doesn’t care about you; he hasn’t paid his child support. Then, they assess that their dad is worthless.

WP: One thing I want to clarify is that you are not saying that fathers don’t have a responsibility to provide. Right? The reality is that there are some true deadbeats out there.

Lisa: Oh, absolutely not. That’s just not the only role. That’s not the end all be all. By definition, there are some who are unrestricted, and they just voluntarily choose not to be a regular or supportive parent in their child’s life.

WP: So, what do you see as being needed to educate fathers who are unclear about the breadth of the role their children need them to play and to reposition them in their children’s lives along all of those different dimensions?

Lisa: My solution is just a small part of the big solution. My solution is just to be in your face with people; to make people interactive; to make them talk and hear each other. It’s not going to be fixed overnight, but just begin the process of dialoging and actually listening to the other person. It’s going to be up to you and the other parent to find the the solution to your situation. We have to be careful about coming up with these magic solutions for people, because relationships are very specific. The magic formula is that you have to sit and dialogue.

I’m sure there is lots of help in the community, but at the end of the day, change is not change until you change as an individual. So, we can look at organizations on a larger scale, but until you change what’s going on in your household, in your mind and in your actions, change is not change. You’ve got to realize that this realationship you have with your child and your child’s mother is not right. Identify what your part is and just start with the decision that you want to change. That’s the most important thing.

For more information on Seed in the Earth or to purchase the DVD of A Fatherless Child visit www.seedintheearth.org.

Tags: Child support, Father absence, Fatherhood, Lisa Carter, Seed in the Earth

Collaborative Family Law Keeps You Out of Court

March 17, 2009 by WeParent
Filed under Articles

2 Comments

the_handshake_artimg Yes. We’re serious. Maybe you’ve heard, but in case you haven’t, there is a relatively new trend in resolving family disputes called Collaborative Family Law (CFL). Where traditional divorce litigation tends to be adversarial and focused on producing a winner and a loser, Collaborative Law is designed specifically to keep parties out of court and to reach consensus on a fair settlement.

One of the keys to the Collaborative process is that both parties and their attorneys agree not to go to court. In fact, the attorneys agree that if either client does end up deciding to go to court, both attorneys will with withdraw requiring their clients to retain completely new representation. This leaves clients with the option to go to court, if they determine that the process won’t work for them, but it motivates the attorneys to prevent that from happening by working toward an acceptable settlement.

Another element of CFL is the use of jointly hired neutral advisors such as financial management specialists, real estate agents, parenting/child behavior experts and divorce coaches. While each client has the comfort of knowing that their legal rights are being protected by their individual attorneys, they also have the support of a team of experts whose role is to assess the impact of certain decisions and to propose solutions. In a series of meetings between both parties, their attorneys and sometimes their chosen experts, clients cooperate to define an agreement that aligns with their priorities, interests, goals and needs.

But wait…there’s more. In this cooperative framework, both parties also agree to:

Act in their children’s best interests to minimize any negative impact that the situation could have on them.
Be respectful to one another, stay constructive in their communication and to act in good faith.
Disclose all relevant information to the other party and the Collaborative team, hide nothing that could be material to the negotiation and to refrain from using the other party’s mistakes against them.
Maintain confidentiality

All this cooperation may sound a bit foreign, scary even, at a time when both parties may feel very vulnerable. Still, practitioners suggest that likelihood of resolution extremely high through this process and that it can be shorter, less expensive and lower conflict process the traditional path.

Realistically, Collaborative Family Law may not be the answer for everyone. Fundamentally, this process requires that both parties be more interested in and capable of trusting and working with rather than against the other party to get the results they’re seeking. But, if you are willing and able, CFL can be an empowering and viable alternative to traditional litigation and a way to set your family up for greater co-parenting success in the future.

For more information, visit:

CollaborativeDivorce.net
International Academy of Collaborative Professionals

Tags: Child support, Children and divorce, Collaborative Law, Conflict management, Family law

Words from the Wise: Should I Take Him to Court?

December 13, 2008 by WeParent
Filed under Words from the Wise

2 Comments

Dear WftW,

My son’s father and I get along really well. We have a visitation schedule that works well for both of us. He’s very present and active in our child’s life, and when he is able (which had been fewer than five times in the past year-and-a-half), he gives me money or covers some of the expenses of caring for our child. Things aren’t perfect, but all-in-all, they are pretty good. I’d like to have more financial support, but the other ways he helps really does make a difference. Should I still file a child support order and get the courts involved in our lives?

Lisa
Atlanta, GA

Dear Lisa:

Let me congratulate you on the good working relationship that you have established with your son’s father. That is a major breakthrough in any conflict that you may have with a co-parent. Your question boils down to this: Should I risk creating a bad relationship with my son’s father by bringing in a third party (court) and obtaining a child support order against him?

First, let me comfort you by saying that there is nothing wrong with your desire to have consistent contributory support from the father. Support from both parents is a duty under the law of most, if not all, states. Money is essential in taking care of the child’s daily necessities. Additionally, it finances a quality of life for the child that is not always easy for a single parent to provide alone. Support from the other parent helps with additional activities such as tutoring, sports, band, camp. There is no doubt that socialization and learning in these different activities develop a well-rounded child.

Second, let me encourage you by saying that you are wise to recognize that money is not the only valuable thing that develops a healthy child. The consistent presence of a father in a child’s life is something that no amount of money could ever replace. So before you act, be sure to weigh the impact that any conflict between mom and dad will have upon the father child relationship.

My advice to you would be to complete a Financial Affidavit. You may find the form here. Pay particular attention to the “Children’s Expenses” section of the form. It is simply a monthly accounting of your expenses for the child such as: food, clothing, medication, lunch money, daycare, after school care, tuition, school activities, grooming, sports, etc. It would be a good idea to gather receipts, bank records and canceled checks to substantiate these expenses.

Establish a time and place to sit down with your child’s father and share with him the Financial Affidavit and Child’s Expenses. This may require you both to disclose your incomes. Be sure to have this meeting out of the child’s presence. Do not have or share this discussion with the child and agree with your child’s father than neither of you will do so. Express to the father the importance of having a regular contribution from him so that you are able to meet the child’s needs. Discuss with him what each of those expenses mean to the child’s daily and future development and well-being. Allow him the opportunity to tell you whether he can contribute a specific amount, how much, when he will begin, how often and whether the payments will be weekly, biweekly or monthly. Please allow him creative room to do other things, such as: (1) provide daycare, so you avoid the out-of-pocket expense; (2) pick the child up from school, so you avoid after school care; (3) add the child to his health plan; (4) spend a specific amount for the child’s clothing and shoes each season; (5) purchase specific grocery or other regular use items for the child on a monthly basis and deliver them to your home. As you are discussing and developing your plan, keep in mind that your ultimate goal is to have the physical and emotional needs of your child met.

If you are able to reach an agreement that you both can live with, reduce it to an informal writing. Keep in mind that your writing may not be enforceable in court. But, prayerfully it will give the father a sense of commitment and accountability. If your child’s father will not honor his agreement and will not give you a reasonable explanation regarding the neglect of his duty, then you have no choice but to resort to court intervention in obtaining a child support order.

Most states establish child support orders based upon the income and earning ability of both parents. At this point, you will need to seek legal advice from an Attorney in your state. If you cannot afford an Attorney, you may contact the Office of Child Support Services in your State to explore the option of filing a URESA petition to establish support. The Internet is always a good source of information. Educate yourself about your situation before seeking the advice of anyone. Simply go to Google.com and type in “getting court order for child support”. Be sure to include your state name in the search.

Regardless of the route you take, continue to do all you can to promote a good co-parenting relationship. This is ultimately in your child’s best interest.

To learn more about how a bad relationship between parents affects the well being of a child, go to www.seedintheearth.com and order the documentary: “A Fatherless Child-Diary of Absence”. Sit and watch it as a family.

These words of wisdom were provided by WeParent expert panelist, Lisa L. Carter, Attorney at Law, State of Georgia.

Need advice? Drop us a line through our Contact form. If we feature your question, we’ll send you a WeParent t-shirt…and you’ll get some expert advice.

Tags: Child support, Co-Parenting, Lisa Carter, Parenting plan, Words from the Wise

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