One Million Fathers March their Kids to School

All over the country, fathers, grandfathers, big brothers and other men who care are descending upon America’s schools with their children on the first day of school.  The Million Father March has become a powerful day on which fathers demonstrate their commitment to their children, their families, and their communities through their massive presence at school.

The Black Star Project, in partnership with local community organizations, sponsors the Million Father March on the first-day-of-school in hundreds of cities across the United States and internationally. An estimated 600,000 men in 475 cities participated last year and the number is expected to grow this year.

Research shows that children whose fathers take an active role in their educational lives earn better grades, score higher on tests, enjoy school more and are more likely to graduate from high school and attend college. Additionally, children have fewer behavior problems when fathers listen to and talk with them regularly and are active in their lives. A good father is part of a good parenting team and is critical to creating a strong family structure. Strong family structures produce children who are more academically proficient, socially developed and self-assured. Such children become adults who are valuable assets to their communities.

Participants in the event include fathers, grandfathers, foster fathers, stepfathers, uncles, cousins, big brothers, significant male caregivers and friends of the family. Although this event was created by African-American fathers, women and men of all ethnicities are invited to march their children to school on their first day and to continue to be engaged powerful forces in the academic success of our children.

Contact the Black Star Project at (773)285-9600 or blackstar1000 AT ameritech DOT net for more information on the Million Father March and to find out how you can participate or organize an event in your area.

The Million Father March Pledge for Fathers and Men

I will take my children or a child to school and I will be at a school on the first day to encourage all children to do their best every day at school.

I am responsible for the education of my child.

I will volunteer at my child’s school three times this school year.

I will pick up my child’s progress report or grade report when required.

I will meet with my child’s teachers at least two times this year and support them in educating my child.

I will teach my child the value of family as well as the value of education.

I will mentor my child or a child and I will teach children the values of education and family as well as the value of life.

I will work with my child’s mother or guardian to achieve the best academic and social outcomes for my child even if I do not live with my child.

Co-Parenting Conflict from the Mouth of Babes:
Interview with Kara Bishop of Postcards from Splitsville

Months ago we had the opportunity to interview Kara Bishop, founder of  Postcards from Splitsville, a site that allows children of divorce to anonymously and creatively post their thoughts and feelings online.  We’re finally sharing it with you!

WP: Tell us a little bit about what you do and how you got involved in working in this area around kids.

Kara: I started dating a man who was divorced.  He had young children.  When the kids got a little older and were able to understand things, the ex-wife started letting information slip about how the marriage ended, why the marriage ended, adult information that these little kids really didn’t need to know about.

The 2 older children actually pulled away from the father, the younger one still needed the father’s affection; he was 10 at the time.  After he visited, he would go home and they would call him a traitor and try to convince him to not go anymore.  This this poor kid was just torn in half literally. He couldn’t stop loving his dad.  It just wasn’t possible.  But he didn’t want to betray his mom and the other members of his family.

The child and I were close, and we worked on a little book of promises for parents to make.  It got me really interested in what was going on.

I took the book to Dr. Frank Williams who runs a program here in Tucson called Children of Divorce.  It’s this fantastic 8-week program that kids and parents go through to help them cope.  I got involved with that, and I started working with the 10-12 year olds and was able to create some of the exercises for the class.

And…I’m a huge fan of postsecret.com.  Have you ever heard of that?

WP: I have, yes.

Kara: It’s just a site, very similar to mine, except it’s secrets that adults send in.  I thought we should do something like this for the kids, because one of the exercises we do is, if we can’t cope with something, we either let it go or write it on a piece of paper and burn it or something like that.

So, I thought let’s try this postcard thing, and the kids loved it.  The first couple of times that I did it, I was just shocked at how amazingly in touch with themselves these 10-12 year olds were as far as expressing themselves about how upset they were.

Oh, and I actually met Frank Warren [founder of postsecret.com] and got his blessing.

WP: That was very respectful of you to do that.

Kara: I tell people this is a site for kids to vent their feelings and then come and see that other kids have the same issues.  But really, I think at this point that it’s more for adults, so they can see the pain that their kids go through.

WP: It was really eye opening and impactful as an adult to see the creative expression of what they are feeling, so I can see how this becomes a site for adults.  I can definitely see that.

Kara: The letters that I get aren’t from kids.  They are from adults saying, “Oh, my God, I’ve actually heard these words from my kids and I never really understood.”  For example I get a lot of comments from parents about having said they wish they’d never met their ex, in front of their kids.  They say, “I’ve said that and now I just feel horrible.”

WP: I guess that the translation for a kid is, “You wish I didn’t exist.”

Kara: Right, and they don’t get that, yes, you don’t mean it, but that’s what the kid hears.

WP: When we are careless in how we communicate about the experience of a relationship ending and about the other parent, kids are going to fill in the gaps.  They are going to translate it.  They are going to make it meaningful in a way that they understand.  And in their world, a lot of times that’s scary.

Kara: Or the other effect that I’ve seen, too, is kids that are scared to death of being fired from their family because they have seen another parent fired.

You think the kids don’t know…and they probably don’t understand a lot.  But they try to understand in their own way, and they end up making up something that’s just so much more horrible than the truth.

WP: Let’s talk a little bit about the impact of divorce on children particularly when parents aren’t really handling the conflict well.  What have you seen in the work that you’ve been doing with children of divorce and through Postcards from Splitsville?

Kara: Well, the kids that I work with come to us within months of the divorce.  The impact, wow, it’s almost always devastating.

What I see that makes me upset the most is that a lot of the kids feel there is one person to blame for the divorce.  I think they do that, because somebody has to be the blame…and thank God it’s not them.  Very few of our kids these days think it’s their fault any more.  That used to be a huge issue when we first started, but now it’s not.

And, the whole needing to figure out why this is happening and then placing the blame on someone, I think is really hard on them; because it interferes with the relationship that they had prior to the divorce with one of the parents or both sometimes.

It just rocks their world.  These kids need a sense of stability, and all of a sudden, the most stable thing in their family, whether there was a lot of fighting or not, is caput. It’s broken.  And, it often involves the disappearance of one parent, and mostly it’s the father.

WP: Right.

Kara: And that changes a little here and there, because more fathers have custody of their kids now.  But mostly it’s still the mother.

I’ve seen how these fathers are just set aside, not every single one, of course, right, but it’s almost as if that was an extra piece in our life that we really didn’t need, like that third car or something.

WP: Like an extra appendage?  I wonder if sometimes fathers don’t see themselves that way, too.

Kara: I think they do.  For example, if the marriage ended because of an infidelity on his part,  the guilt there can be immense, and he might feel he doesn’t deserve the children because of what he did.  But, that’s where I would say, okay, but the kid still needs you.

Whatever you did wrong, you can still give love and support, and your child needs that to grow, needs that second set of love, the second opinion, the whole second part.

I think there needs to be a more intense education on how to raise your kids in this unique situation that people just wing.  They wing it, and they don’t understand how devastating almost every word can be.  These kids latch onto one sentence, and that’s the sentence that defines everything for them.

WP: How can an outlet like Postcards from Splitsville help?

Kara: Well again, I created it as a vent for the kids.  But the benefit is really for parents…just to make them stop and think and maybe put that anger in check, because your kids is listening and affected by it.

WP: Thank you for the work you’re doing and for sharing it with our WeParent family.

To learn more, browse postcards or download a postcard for a child to submit, visit www.postcardsfromsplitsville.com.

The Message is Clear: African-American Children Need Us

Thirty-five percent of African-American children live in poverty.  This means that more than 1 out of every 3 African-American children live with what research has confirmed is the single greatest threat to their well-being. Poverty can impede children’s ability to learn and contribute to social, emotional, and behavioral problems. Poverty can also contribute to poor health and mental health.

The statistics paint a grim picture of the havoc poverty is wreaking on the youth in our community:  approximately 50 percent of African-American children drop out of school; African-American females account for approximately 70 percent of all teenage pregnancies; between 2002 and 2007, the number of homicides involving black male juveniles as victims grew by 31 percent and as perpetrators by 43 percent.  Clearly, our children are suffering and desperately need our HELP!

We’re a community in crisis. If we’re to reverse these frightening trends, African-American adults must step up our game and come together to rally around our youth. We must be honest about the truth behind the quantitative data: too many broken families; an alarming number of absent fathers; far too many uneducated, low-wage earning single-mothers trying to lead families with limited financial, emotional, and social resources. Simply put, the story behind the numbers is that too many of our children are failing at life because of poor leadership in their lives and homes. Our children are failing because far too often they live in families that are barely surviving, let alone thriving.

As dire as the situation appears, all is not lost. There is plenty that we can all do, individually and collectively, to turn things around for our youth and our community as a whole. While there are a lot of intellectuals and social scientists sitting in think tanks pondering this issue, there are sages who’ve come before and shared their wisdom as guidance on what we can do:

“Be the change you want to see in the world” -Ghandi

Start with ourselves. Set high standards and expectations of our own efforts and ability. Accept no less from ourselves than we’d like to see from others: value education, hard work and strong families. Hold our own children to high standards of academic and behavioral performance. Work at being healthy, loving and committed romantic and life partners and hold our partners to the same standards. A rising tide lifts all  boats; allow ourselves and our families to be part of a rising tide.

“An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity” – Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

In addition to focusing on lifting ourselves and families, consider what we can do to directly impact the lives of others. Our communities are full of nonprofit and community-based organizations that always need help building and strengthening their operational and fiscal infrastructure and serving their clients. Call a few who serve causes you care about and offer your time, talent and treasure. You would be surprised at the huge impact it would make on both you and the organization.

“Now is the accepted time, not tomorrow, not some more convenient season. It is today that our best work can be done and not some future day or future year…” – W.E.B. DuBois

Act now! Decide today to make a slightly bigger difference in the lives of those you love and your community than you did yesterday. Add an extra hug or “I love you” when interacting with loved ones; add a “hello” to the casual smile you offer the stranger you pass on the street; offer to volunteer 2 hours of your time to a small nonprofit or tutoring or mentoring program; donate a small amount of money to help improve the fiscal health of a community based organization serving the less fortunate. There are many, many things that we all can do NOW, TODAY, that cost us very little but mean so much.

Each of us must look around and take note of how much our youth need us; and then decide what small thing we will do today to make a difference.  Our children are screaming for HELP! Do we hear them?

Fatherhood Freestyle: My Story….Not My Father’s

I love women. I can find something attractive on almost anyone of them. It could be their eyes, their smile or the way they carry themselves with confidence. I don’t have a particular type or shape or color preference. Long hair doesn’t turn me on more than short, curvy bodies more than straight, tall over short. Intelligence and a sense of humor goes a long way though..

I was raised by women, have raised women and some of my closest friends are women. I’ve worked as the only male in treatment center for females and survived and thrived. Women have shaped my life, contributed to the man I’ve become and the values I have.

Whenever I would envision the way I would begin the story of my life it always began this way, with most of these words. For one thing, the words are true; women have played a huge role in my life. And I am clear that another reason why is my father.

My father and I have never lived in the same house, have never played catch, shared a joke or a laugh. We have never watched a sporting event, taken a walk or watched a cartoon together. And while many adults could make the same claims for many reasons: “my father died when I was 2” or “he ran away when I was born” or “my mama wasn’t sure who my daddy was”.. I do know who he is. I know his name and occupation and where he lives. His physical absence from my life played as big a role in my shaping as the women who were present. And notice I said his physical absence; emotionally he has been and remains one of my major influences.

As the women in my childhood taught me and scolded me and fed me, my father’s effect was subtle, almost unnoticeable until my teenage years. This increased as I grew into manhood, became a tidal wave as I became a parent to my daughter, and exploded in a crescendo as I became a father to a son. I can remember the joy and wonder I felt as I looked into my daughter’s eyes for the first time, the pride and relief of knowing she was safe, healthy and whole. The comfort I felt in feeding her, changing her and making her laugh. To this day she still takes my heart to the top of the clouds just to be in her presence. The birth of my son added a new wrinkle and sense of wonder; while my daughter was clearly related to me, my blood, my offspring- my son was a mini version of me. We shared more than similar physical features, he wanted to play sports, to wrestle, to fight, to play catch. We used our fingers to hold objects in the same way, crossed our legs and hummed while eating something special. And as I became more aware of these similarities and shared traits, that’s when my father’s presence or lack of had its biggest impact; I couldn’t understand. I couldn’t understand how he could leave, how could he know I existed and not been in my life. How could he not play catch, take a walk or share advice with me? Whereas not having my father in my life growing up was accepted as a fact by me, an unalterable truth, becoming a parent and seeing my son and knowing how I felt about both my children, that fact became absurd, insane, truly, beyond any words I can use.

And I have tried desperately to understand. I have thought and thunk, asked friends and strangers, spoken to clients and read books. I even went to my father and asked him directly. “Well, your mother didn’t want me around” was the first deflection, followed by “and to be honest with you, I’m not even sure if I am your father”. And that was the beginning of my enlightenment and release. At that moment, the utterance of that blatant and obvious lie, I realized that whatever I was looking for, I would not find it in him. There would be no guidance, no embrace, no shared experiences; as alike as we were in appearance, our build, our hands and that slightly up tilted Bob Hope nose, we were completely different in our hearts, our view of ourselves. Whatever motivated him to speak those words, fear, guilt, shame or ignorance, I’ll never truly know (and I can only wonder if he knows). As the father to my kids some of my biggest fears have been ‘Will I be good enough? Can I give them a different life from the one I had?’ Only time and their testament will declare the truth of that. But I know that my children and I share things he and I will never have. The memories of stitches and casts, cakes and wrapping paper and the swell of pride as they walked across various stages marking the advance of their own lives and accomplishments. When I look at them I feel a peace in knowing these are my children, and I am their father.

Black History Month Giveaway: Family Passes to “Let Your Motto Be Resistance”

Let your motto be resistance!  Resistance!  RESISTANCE!
No oppressed people have ever secured their liberty without resistance.
–Abolitionist Henry Highland Garnet, 1843

Resistance has been a critical theme throughout the history of Black families in this country.  It has taken many forms.  For some, survival by itself was an act of resistance.  For others, it looked like fighting back…or not fighting back.  And, for many, it was the commitment to celebrating our history and culture even when the cost was torture or death.

At WeParent, we believe that building strong, healthy, effective co-parenting relationships is an act of resistance against the forces that pull our children away from us–as much as it is an act of love.  Through our commitment to partnering in parenting, we give our children the foundation they need to stand strong in this world.  And, to us, raising strong, happy, powerful Black children is a revolultionary act all by itself.  So, we’re all about resistance through a co-parenting revolution.

On January 30, 2010, the Atlanta History Center will celebrate the opening of a new exhibition, Let Your Motto Be Resistance:  African-American Portraits which runs through April 25th. Let Your Motto Be Resistance is the first of four exhibitions being present as part of the Center’s Civil War to Civil Rights series.  The exhibit, inspired by the call to action of nineteenth century political activist and Underground Railroad conductor, Henry Highland Garnet, uses portraits of well-known African-Americans from the Smithsonian’s National Portrait Gallery to trace 150 years of U.S. history.  These powerful images celebrate the diverse ways that African-Americans creatively and courageously redefined the history of this country through struggle, accomodation and resistance.

As part of our celebration of Black History Month, we’re partnering with the Atlanta History Center to give away family passes to Let Your Motto Be Resistance to four lucky WeParent readers.  Passes are good for free admission for 2 adults and up to 4 children (a $74 value.)  We’ll choose a new winner each week during the month of February.  So, if you don’t win this week, your entry is still in the hat for the next one.  Winners will be announced every Sunday during Black History Month and notified via email.  Here’s how to enter:

MANDATORY:

• Leave a comment here either suggesting a way for parents to celebrate Black History Month with their children, telling us how you’re planning to celebrate with yours or just sharing a few words about an historic figure who inspires you.

OPTIONAL:

• Join our mailing list and leave a comment here telling us you did.
• Become a member of our online community, WeParent Connect.
• Become a fan of WeParent on Facebook and leave a comment telling us you did.

That’s 4 chances to win!  Don’t miss this opportunity to share this glimpse into African-American and U.S. history with your family.  We’ll see you there!

Preparing Our Kids to THRIVE in the 21st Century

The world our kids will inherit is far different from the one we were born into.

Back when I was born, most TVs were still in black and white. There was no cable tv, no fax machines, microwave ovens, or personal computers.  People held jobs for years, if not lifetimes. And they often retired with pensions…unless, like my grandmother, they were cheated out of them by being laid off just before they’d reached the 20- or 30-year mark. (But that’s a different story.)

Our kids are being born into a world of rapid change. Product choices, investment options, job descriptions, even “proven facts,” can become obsolete every 6 months.  To prosper in the 21^st century, our children need more than just computer skills. They need to be able to hold their own – emotionally, financially, and socially.  They need to be ready to ride the waves of change. They need an internal GPS and a lighthouse, so they don’t get lost in a storm. And they need an anchor to mark the place they call “home.”

Along with a solid education and good manners, here are a few other tools to properly equip today’s kids for tomorrow’s world:

Skills Every Child Needs to T.H.R.I.V.E. in the 21st Century

THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX — Kids these days need to be able to do more than memorize facts.  Thinking critically and creatively will help them rise to every new challenge they’ll face.

Foster kids’ creativity with “What if…” questions – What would you do if you needed to open a can and couldn’t find a can opener? What might happen if you jump off the sofa with that coffee table sitting there?

Above all, don’t punish them when they DO think creatively…and end up doing something you don’t like. Like, let’s say, tie-dying the cat so it doesn’t camouflage with the living room carpet. Instead, recognize their creativity, but guide them toward a more useful application.

HEAL – The world can be a sick place – physically and emotionally. We can’t control the world, but we can control ourselves.

Teach kids how to keep themselves healthy and strong – in spite of what happens in the world around them – by building up their immune systems. (Again, physically, and emotionally.)

Physically: Who knows if there will be any affordable health care when our kids are grown? The best guarantee of good health is eating real food – especially fruits and veggies – cooked at home with real ingredients – not chemicals, colors, and preservatives. Healthy food creates a healthy immune system – helping your body heal and fight disease from the inside out.

Emotionally: Encourage kids to name their feelings. Ask them often, “How did you feel when that happened?” Their honest emotions can be an internal GPS, guiding them to stay away from danger, or to speak up when they don’t like something. Respect their right to have feelings different from yours. Don’t shut them down. The more kids know themselves, and the more they learn to express feelings their feelings verbally, the more self-disciplined they can be.

RESOLVE CONFLICTS – In friendships, at school, in job situations…knowing how to resolve conflicts productively is an invaluable social skill.

Teach kids to listen to another’s point of view as well as calmly express their own. Ask, “How could this be handled in a way that respects everybody?”

DON’T HIT. Hitting kids teaches them that physical violence is ok to use when you’re upset. It also fosters anger, resentment, and low self-esteem – none of which promotes healthy conflict management.

After a conflict, ask, “How’d you feel about the way things went? What might you do differently next time?”

INITIATE – The days of being an “employee” are over.

Even if you’re employed by someone, you’ve gotta think like an entrepreneur to make yourself indispensable. Rather than passively waiting for an employer to tell you what to do, you’ve got to have initiative – think independently, come up with new ideas.

Help kids build their “initiative muscles” by letting them make some decisions for the family: Put them in charge of Saturday night’s menu; let them come up with a way to fix the wobbly kitchen chair.

When they complain about something, ask them what they would do to make it better. Then let them implement their ideas.

VERIFY ALL CLAIMS – Don’t let kids fall into the trap of believing every so-called “authority.” They will be marketed to, relentlessly, by politicians and advertisers – many of whom will not share the whole truth.

Teach kids to use the internet and other resources to find facts and opinions that contradict what they hear. Encourage them to look within themselves and decide whom to believe.

EMPATHIZE WITH OTHERS – Not being able to accept another’s perspective is the primary cause of war – both globally and domestically.

Teach your kid to BE PEACE by learning to respect other people’s opinions, feelings, and desires.

Help them learn to hold two opposing perspectives – their own, and another person’s – and to treat others not as they would like to be treated, but as the other would like to be treated.

* * *

Kids who learn to Think, Heal, Resolve, Initiate, Verify, and Empathize, stay in-tuned with themselves and others.

They are anchored by close relationships over time, even as they re-invent themselves and relocate every few years.

They are guided by strong values that always lead them on the right course.

And they know how to change direction to navigate the winds of change.

10 Things NOT to Say to Your Children During a Divorce

Divorce is a time of monumental emotional pain and hardship, a time in which we need support of others to find our way back on track and go on with our life. Yet you can never forget the promise you have given your children when you brought them into this world. You still need to be the best parent you can be and follow some rules to avoid more pain.

One of the most critical things to remember are phrases you should say to them and things you can think of but definitely can’t say. Here are ten things you should never say to your children during a divorce.

1. Nothing will change. Everything will be the same.

Be realistic. A divorce is a separation and that will bring two different households to your children, if both you and your (ex-) spouse decide to remain in the children’s lives. Often, your kids will realize what a separation means much sooner than you think. Instead of trying to calm the situation by claiming everything will be the same, you can carefully introduce certain changes, but always make sure that they know that you are in control of the situation and they do not have to worry.

2. Your dad is a … / Your mom is a …

As much as you would want to, you need to bite your tongue on this one. Do not speak negatively about the other parent and refrain from name calling! Even if there have been hurtful things, such as adultery, a divorce is not the time to be verbally mean to your ex-partner. Remember, in the end, it will not hit your ex-spouse, but it will hurt the children and it may hurt you. Children watch closely and as they grow older, they become much more aware of what is going on. And if your partner really cheated, they will find out one day anyway. Many psychologists, by the way, suggests that an appropriate age of revealing difficult reasons for divorces is about 16.

3. It’s all your mom’s/dad’s fault.

It is easy to shift the fault for the divorce on someone during the divorce. And it may take time for you to realize what really caused your divorce. But that is not a discussion that should be held with your children and such alienation will deepen the wounds that are being caused by the separation. No matter how you feel who has caused the divorce, make sure that you always let your children know that both mom and dad love them very much.

4. Because of what you did, we have to divorce

We come across this one quite often and it is the worst you can say to your children. The simple fact is: Your children are not responsible for the divorce. Never blame them for the problems between you and your (ex-) spouse. The reasons for a divorce are beyond a child’s reach and usually relate to individual actions, bad choices and different parenting approaches.

5. I am busy.

Spending quality time with your children is essential. You should want your child to feel wanted, not abandoned. When you can spend time with your children, especially it is scheduled parenting time, be available and do not make your child feel like she/he is a burden.

6. Your dad does not pay child support.

There are certain topics that are inappropriate to be shared with your children. Examples are especially child support or relationships with significant others. There may not be a single case your children will bring up these topics and if they do, stay positive and let them know that there are or will be two different homes and you and your ex-spouse are working together as a team.

7. DON’T YELL!

Simple. If you are talking with your ex-spouse, on the phone or in the same room, and your children are near, be cordial and polite. Aside from a possible alienation issue, a divorce can also teach your children a lesson for life and they will always remember how you treated each other. As nasty as a divorce may be, treating each other respectfully will show your children that not only are you two working things out, but you can also resolve a conflict without yelling.

8. What does your mom/dad say about me?

Do not put your children in the awkward position to be a middleman or a messenger between you and your spouse. If you are interested in what is going on at the other home, you can always ask you (ex-) spouse. Do not expect your child to relay messages. Even more important: Do not fish for information about your (ex-) spouse.

9. I do not want the divorce. Your mom does.

This is a borderline case, but I recommend staying away from this one as well. There are some counselors who say that you can tell your child that you have done everything to save the marriage. Which, of course, implies that your partner has not. There are countless ways to give the same message to your children – without the blaming. Simply explain that you both have tried to work out your differences, but sometimes that does not happen. To be a good mom and dad, parents sometimes have to separate to overcome their differences.

10. I don’t care about your dad’s rules.

This is a tricky one. When there are two homes, it is impossible that mom and dad will have the exact same rules for every eventuality. However, the two of you need to set a baseline of rules relating to topics such as bedtime, homework, etc. Kids have a tendency to play parents against each other to achieve certain goals, such as playing with a certain toy or manipulate ground rules such as bedtimes. You will often hear “But mom/dad said that ….” Make sure that you have basic rules in place that are the same in both homes and make sure that your children know that you will enforce those rules. If you (ex-) spouse creates new rules without telling you, then you need to discuss those with your (ex-) spouse, but don’t wipe them off the table, just because you do not agree in the first place.

Book Review & Giveaway: Testing the Ice

In the early 1950s, legendary baseball hero Jackie Robinson literally “tested the ice” for his kids who so eagerly wanted to skate on the frozen lake near their home. Under Sharon Robinson’s skillful authorship and Kadir Nelson’s vivid illustrations, “Testing the ice” also becomes a stunning metaphor for her father’s remarkable racial breakthrough.

As soon as my son began reading Testing the Ice aloud to me, I could tell by the enthusiasm in his voice that this book was one we would read over and over again.  Read this entire post to find out how you can enter to win a copy to share with the young ones in your life.

Testing the Ice is a new children’s book written by Sharon Robinson, daughter of the legendary Jackie Robinson. Written from the perspective of a little girl full of the deepest love and admiration for her father, Testing the Ice tells the story of a much more personal heroism than the one for which we have all come to love Jackie Robinson.

After moving to their new home in Connecticut, the Robinson children and their new friends spent all summer enjoying the lake found on their property. As they played and swam, their father watched from the shore, never daring to enter the water himself. But, when the winter cold hardened the lake, and the children set their minds on skating on the ice, Jackie Robinson could no longer lurk in the background. Courageously, despite not knowing how to swim, he risked his life to test the strength of the ice with his own body and a broomstick, making sure the children would be safe.

Illustrated by Kadir Nelson, the images of Jackie Robinson recounting how he shattered the color barrier in Major League Baseball, spending time with his family and crossing the ice are breathtaking. His masterful artistry breathes life into this wonderful story and transports you to the beautiful landscapes and historic baseball games of Sharon Robinson’s childhood.

As a mother, I was reminded that regardless of what the world says, regardless of what we may think, our children have their own reasons for loving their fathers and experiencing them as heroes. As a parent, I was thrilled to hear my child’s excitement at learning about Jackie Robinson the baseball legend and the father. And, as a person striving to make a difference in this world, I was inspired by the courage this man showed in both his professional and personal life. I am grateful to Sharon Robinson for sharing her father with our family in this rich, personal and inspirational story.

And, in our first giveaway, WeParent is giving away copies of Testing the Ice to FIVE lucky readers. One winner will receive a Testing the Ice prize pack that includes a copy of the book and a Kidorable hat, glove and scarf set shown in the image below (an estimated $53 value.) The other 4 winners will receive a copy of the book (and estimated $17 value.)

Here’s how to enter to win:

Check out this video of Sharon Robinson and Kadir Nelson talking about the creation of Testing the Ice. Leave a comment here by 11:59pm EST on Tuesday, October 27, 2009, about something you found interesting about the discussion.

If you’d like to increase your chances of winning, here are four more ways to enter:

1) If you haven’t already, join the WeParent mailing list.  Be sure to verify your subscription by clicking through the confirmation email that will be sent to you, or your entry won’t count.

2) If you aren’t already a member, join our online community, WeParent Connect.

3) Blog or tweet about this giveaway and post a link to your work here.

4) Purchase a copy of Testing the Ice and email a copy of your confirmation email to contests@weparent.com.

OK, WeParent family, this gives you up to five chances to win! And, we’d love to share this rich story with you. All entries must be submitted/completed by 11:59pm EST on Tuesday, October 27, 2009. Winners will be chosen through random.org. This contest is available to U. S. mailing addresses only; prizes will be sent to winners by the book’s sponsor.

Are You Honoring Your Children’s Rights?

When we are in the heat of conflict with our co-parent, we sometimes have a tendency to make the relationship about us. Whether we are willing to admit it or not, so much of drama between mothers and fathers who are no longer together stems from the anger and hurt we experience when we feel disrespected, unappreciated or slighted. Certainly we care about our children, and certainly we may have some legitimate complaints; but, for many of us, if we get really real with ourselves, look-in-the-mirror-and-acknowlege-the-bump-on-your-nose honest, a major part of our beef is all about us.

But, the truth is, it can’t be. Sure, we deserve to be respected, appreciated and treated fairly. At the center of this, though, are our children. And, our decision to become parents makes this about them and what they deserve, too.

The Bill of Rights for Children of Divorce, written by M. Debra Gold, outlines several basic, but not always so simple to deliver, protections we owe our children. It provides an ideal to which we can all aspire as we navigate our way through the challenges and victories of raising our children together.

We encourage you to read it, print it and refer to it often:

Every child has the right to love and be loved by both parents.

Every child has the right to parents who respect the child’s relationship with the other parent.

Every child has the right to continuing care and guidance from both parents.

Every child has the right to parents who treat one another with integrity and respect.

Every child has the right to freely communicate with both parents in privacy.

Every child has the right to be free of their parents’ hostilities and conflicts.

Every child has the right to freedom from guilt or blame.

Every child has the right to parents who cooperate with one another when it comes to the children.

Every child has the right to be heard.

Every child has the right to live the life of a child throughout minority.

Every child has a right to a safe and secure environment in their parents’ custody.

Every child has the right to financial support from both parents.

Source: M. Debra Gold, Bill of Rights for Children of Divorce.

The Golden Rule of Co-Parenting: Keep Kids Out of the Middle

The fact is:  Every relationship experiences conflict.  Co-parenting relationships are no exception.  But, the other fact, supported by research, is that how we manage that conflict may be the most significant determinant in our children’s ability to cope, heal and enjoy the experience of just being children.  Experts suggest that while the ideal scenario may be building a co-parenting partnership that is collaborative and consistent, more important is developing one in which conflict is managed effectively and children are kept out of the middle.

Easier said than done.  As parents, we bump heads over lots of things–schedules, parenting schedules, money, and more.  Couple that with the pain of a relationship that has ended and the conflict can become intensified…full-on drama even.

But, it is critical to remember that it is our conflict, not our children’s.  We made these decisions to be together and to not be together, and only we are responsible.  Putting our children in the center–whether it is by speaking negatively, even on the sly, about the other parent; undermining the other parent’s decisions or consequences; or worse outright battling–sets our kids up to have to choose between two people they love unconditionally.  Not fair.

In his book, “The Truth about Children and Divorce,” Dr. Robert Emery suggests that much of the intensity of our conflict comes from grief and anger that often masks that grief.  He offers these tips, with some added WeParent commentary, for harnessing that anger, so we can spare our children the worst of our separation and give them the best of their parents:

•    Resolve not to get sucked into his or her games. You know it when you see it, and you have a choice not to play.  Better to not engage than to end up kicking yourself for being suckered once again.
•    Refuse to fight with your ex. It takes two.  And, if you can hold out, eventually the other parent will get weary and give up.  Maybe that will open the window to a new and better strategy for communicating.
•    Keep your distance physically and emotionally. Co-parenting is the business of raising your children together.  Keep your communication business-like and brief.  And, if necessary, keep it virtual.
•    Pick your battles…and still refuse to fight. Is everything worth falling on sword?  Probably not, if it’s important, then discuss it, work it out, but don’t fight.
•    Around the kids, say nothing if you can’t say anything positive. Bottom line, for the sake of your kids, fake it.  Grin and bear it.  This too shall pass.
•    Face—and embrace—your hurt, your fears, your grief. Don’t let your anger “protect” you from really facing the sadness and grief you may be feeling about your relationship.  Deal with all the emotions, and allow yourself to truly heal.
•    Spend some time looking inward at how you can learn from all this pain, not just at how you have been wronged. It’s easy to place the blame elsewhere, but challenges like this allow us to see things we may need to face in ourselves.  And, although putting puppet strings on the other parent might be a fantasy, the only person we can truly control is us.  Take this opportunity to grow.
•    Try to find or make a place in your heart for the good stuff, happy memories, including the children you made together—and also for the sadness over what you have lost, what might have been but isn’t. If the only good thing you can think of is the kids, focus on your gratitude for that.  And, don’t be afraid to mourn your vision of what the relationship could have been.  Dealing with this will allow you to move on.

Ultimately, the goal is to allow ourselves to heal.  But, while we do that, these suggestions can help us shield our children from the grown folks’ business of sorting out their personal and parenting relationships.